BPD mother with cancer diagnosis

[LukeSkywalker]

My BPD mother disclosed her stage 1 cancer diagnosis to me today. I would like your support and advice because my feelings around this news are complicated and not “normal”.

I have been low contact with my mother for a few years now. She seemed giddy with excitement to be the center of attention with this diagnosis and was telling me about all of the people she wanted to tell and involve in her care including my father who she is divorced from.

 I have some dark thoughts around her cancer diagnosis. I don’t want to see her or be involved with her care. I’m already dreading getting dragged back into her and my NPD brother’s lives. I feel like she is just going to use this diagnosis as a tool to manipulate me and my in-laws.

I’m struggling between the worry about her health and guilt at my own reaction and hope that the nonstop drama will be over soon.

[yamada]

You dont trust your mother so trust your instincts...stay in your safe place..

[Turkish]

I have been low contact with my mother for a few years now. She seemed giddy with excitement to be the center of attention with this diagnosis and was telling me about all of the people she wanted to tell and involve in her care including my father who she is divorced from.

You could validate that and "shine it on" so to speak. It's she asking something of you at this point?

You sound very hurt. Are your "dark thoughts" just that it ends soon?

Everybody dies. There's nothing wrong with being kind, but can you support from afar without getting involved, even if the support is minimal by your judgement? No one here will judge you on your level of getting involved. 

[Mommydoc]

I would like your support and advice because my feelings around this news are complicated and not “normal”.

It’s a lot to process and it is complicated, but what your feeling may be totally normal for your circumstances.  Give your self some time to process and lean in to your feelings.  It is safe to express them here. Dealing with someone with BPD can be draining and exhausting, and your hope

that the nonstop drama will be over soon

is something we can all relate too.  Letting go of the guilt will help.

[sp|ne]

Mainly wanted to respond to this just to say I wish my mom had cancer.  That would be great.  Is that ****ed up to say?  Yeah.  But I honest to god mean it.

Don't know your mom, but the fact that she was happy that she has cancer says a lot about what her priorities are in her mind.  She sounds pretty epic that she likes getting cancer because it gives her more attention.  Honestly I find that to be kind of hilarious.

Anyway, in all seriousness, my advice would be to use this as a mechanism by which you can more fully detach.  Perhaps your mom is on a path towards leaving this world, and maybe you can work with that to create some space between yourself and her (and your brother).  I am sure your instincts are correct and that you will be manipulated and tooled around with like you don't matter, because you don't matter to them, you are merely an extension of their past and their deluded mind.  Really.

In any event, I do genuinely and absolutely sympathize with you - despite my snarkyness, I think I would also have a lot of mixed emotions if I felt like my mom might die.  I would certainly feel a mix of emotions, including great sadness, a lot of guilt, and some joy knowing that the madness would eventually end soon.

My advice would again, use this opportunity as a way to distance and detach.

And I do genuinely hope you find some peace, and I hope we can all reach a point of compassion where we even care about the suffering of your mother, my mother, and all the BPD mothers.

[Methuen]

I have been low contact with my mother for a few years now. She seemed giddy with excitement to be the center of attention with this diagnosis and was telling me about all of the people she wanted to tell and involve in her care including my father who she is divorced from.

The giddy stage of being the center of attention will wear off soon enough.  As appointments, and information, and decision making ramps up, I am guessing the "giddiness" will disappear and be replaced by the other end of the emotional dysregulation spectrum.  

I wouldn't do or say anything to temper her mood about the diagnosis.  Her doctors can do that.  Just let her progress through all the emotions she is going to have at her own pace.  That way nothing can be your fault.

The giddiness almost sounds like her inner child has not yet processed what is happening (or what consequences of stage 1 means for treatment) but she is still stuck on being the center of attention (like a child at a birthday party).  I would let her enjoy that for as long as it lasts.  She'll figure it out on her own and reality will hit home  soon enough.