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Author Topic: Is building a sustainable relationship with a BPD partner just wishful thinking?  (Read 512 times)
Evenodds

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« on: July 17, 2021, 12:16:00 PM »


My partner and I have been together for around 4 years. However, a few months after we started our relationship, for 20 months she was based in the US, whilst remained in the UK. But I travelled to see her every 6 weeks or so, typically staying for a week/10days..
We started living together in March 2020 when I decided to head to the US before Covid restrictions locked down travel.
I think that physical separation at the start of the relationship softened the difficulties. Or made them easier to ignore. She only has a few traits - the emotional volatility, black and white thinking. Her anger is hurtful rather than threatening.
But these traits have softened in the time I've known her.
She had already stopped the risk taking, drinking and drugs at around her mid twenties.

It is the inability to have a rational conversation on 'emotional' topics that is really wearing me out.  The completely meaningless statements and distortions of reality started to make me think it was me. Maybe I had said what she claimed.  Maybe I did mishear what she said. I used to try and have a conversation, convinced that if I found the right way to express things, she would see the point.
But it never did and trying and trying was wearing me out. So I realised, if it wasn't catastrophic, it would be easier to let it go without discussion.
But by June/July I was in a bad way. Stuck in Florida, isolated with the pandemic and US partisan madness I fell into a deep depression and for the first time started on anti depressants. There was one fortunate outcome from that. I soon discovered the psychiatrist I saw, had a focus on BPD. I scheduled a call with her and poured out my story. I can't describe how much relief that brought. Someone understood. Someone could reassure me I wasn't going mad.

We are back in the UK now. She's moved in with me and I am trying to make the relationship  work. But its a roller coaster. Every four weeks or so something will trigger a reminder that she does not think of me as I think of her. For her, I am primarily there for her protection. That's not because she is some scheming opportunist. I know she does not have a cynically calculated motive. Its more instinctive survival.

I read ' Stop Caretaking the BPD/Narcissist' (the psychiatrist in the US suggested it). It is a pretty stark and bleak book picture of the likelihood of sustaining a healthy relationship  with a BPD partner.  Without the ties of marriage or kids, it seems to scream at me to get out.

But its the same story. The 'other' times are good. Plus she started therapy/ DBT and  recognises there is an issue. Her mood regulation has improved in the time we have been together, as has her abandonment anxiety. She no longer messages me incessantly and handles the fact that I don't reply immediately.

Then, every four weeks or so something comes up that triggers a reminder of that books bleak outlook.

The bleakest thing it says is to abandon any belief that she will care for me in the way someone does in a secure relationship. She is (and likely will always be) incapable of empathising with the needs of others. In those moments I can see all the signs that point to that being the truth. I am here to provide her with safety and security and support, financial and otherwise. Basically I am a caretaker.

But then tomorrow's another day. Dark clouds lift, a bit of sunlight creeps in and I'm off persuading myself that I should not assume that bleak outlook is inevitable. After all, her behaviour has changed, she is in therapy. So I' m off again up the roller coaster towards optimism. Until the next dip.
But each cycle chips away at my belief that things can work out well. I have certainly fallen into odds against over the past 15 months

Sorry. I'm new here and that was a ramble. I'm just looking for... I don't know what. Something, some story or some view from people who know all this first hand that helps me order my thoughts.
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once removed
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« Reply #1 on: July 19, 2021, 11:14:02 PM »

there are people here that have been married/together 20, 30, 40 years.

building a sustainable relationship with a person with bpd traits is certainly possible. what that looks like, necessarily, is anyones guess, and its ultimately a matter of whether your particular relationship is sustainable, based on the path that its on, and how you feel about that.

in general, the uphill battle of loving someone with bpd for life is something you want to be realistic about and go into with eyes wide open and as much knowledge and as many tools at your disposal as possible should you choose to invest. its hard. there is hope. a relationship can improve marginally or drastically or get worse. ive seen some of the worst case scenarios turned around. ive seen some relationships improve to the point of "good enough".

but its easiest to think of it as a sort of "special needs" relationship. there can be a lot of reward, but its going to test you.

it might help if you told us more about some of the biggest struggles between the two of you. whats going on lately? sometimes when a bpd loved one enters dbt, things can get worse before they get better.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
johnsang

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Relationship status: married
Posts: 40


« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2021, 01:38:57 AM »

I agree with everything "once removed" said.  I've been married for 20 years this coming January.  You are WAY ahead of the game if you know your partner has BPD - that gives you so many advantages in terms of tools and resources, including this forum, to help you navigate your partner well.  It literally took me 19 1/2 years and my therapist of 10 years, to guide me to this diagnosis of my husband. 

It is, absolutely, a "special needs" relationship - it is tiring, and my own needs are often not met.  I have to protect my children and I'm arming them with information and knowledge about how to handle their father and his emotion and talking. For my children, it is safer for me to currently be in the house with him rather than leave him and let them fend for themselves. 

That's a lot of responsibility on my shoulders!

25%, it is fine.  Sometimes it is terrible.  25% it is grey - like yesterday when he woke me up at 8:30am, my one day to sleep in.  He did it by leaving our dog in the front area of our house so he barks at every single thing that walks by - leave the dog in the back area of the house and he is quite.  My husband came upstairs after the long barking session and I reminded him I wanted to sleep in and suddenly he says "it's not ok to sleep - remember, for 15 years you've told me it isn't ok to nap." And there it is.  I know he is "up" (that's what I call it now) - and he was "up" for most of the morning - and it isn't yelling and screaming, but it is a lot of very fast, non-linear thought expressed in intense ways - and sometimes me or the kids get caught in the cross-fire and sometimes we don't.

But this happens - all the time.

Just think about why you want to be with this person, and really, really think about the likelihood that these traits are never going away.  20 years later - her tendencies are still going to be there and that is a lot. 

That's all.
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Evenodds

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2021, 03:34:41 PM »

Apologies. I wasn’t aware of the guidance but now that I am I can see  how my post would  likely run adrift. Thank you though for the responses and thank you once removed for pointing out that I need to be specific to get the best out of the forum
There are specific challenges but nowhere near as intense as yours johnsang. I can but wish you continued strength and fortitude as you clearly  have that in abundance already.
The area that causes me the greatest difficulty are the false narratives. I deliberately avoid the word ‘lies’ which I think of as deliberate and conscious actions  used to achieve a desired, specific outcome. The  false narratives of  my  BPD partner are not structured and sometimes may not even be conscious.My partner is intelligent and articulate. If deceit was pre planned, she would construct a far more effective narrative than the illogical, inconsistent and unlikely one that is the norm.
I have to believe in this distinction because otherwise the relationship crumbles. But I struggle to hold to that belief all the time
Deceit is hot button for me. But in this relationship I am likely the only one who can stop it being a recurring storm because I start it. I can’t let go of this need to nail down ‘the truth’.
I think  it best I that start a new post and vent that one there!
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once removed
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« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2021, 12:11:13 PM »

youre fine. you can explore the pros and cons of staying or going on this board.

Excerpt
I deliberately avoid the word ‘lies’ which I think of as deliberate and conscious actions  used to achieve a desired, specific outcome. The  false narratives of  my  BPD partner are not structured and sometimes may not even be conscious.My partner is intelligent and articulate. If deceit was pre planned, she would construct a far more effective narrative than the illogical, inconsistent and unlikely one that is the norm.

thats generally the case, and an important distinction. its not to say, of course, that a person with bpd traits cant lie or be deceitful. distress plays a big factor in cognitive distortions, and that can contribute to a narrative, eg "black and white thinking".

Excerpt
eceit is hot button for me. But in this relationship I am likely the only one who can stop it being a recurring storm because I start it. I can’t let go of this need to nail down ‘the truth’.
I think  it best I that start a new post and vent that one there!

please do!

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
badknees1
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2021, 09:08:27 PM »

No.
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jmbl
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Relationship status: Common law
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« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2021, 02:53:04 AM »

I don’t think that it is just wishful thinking, I think it is doable. That being said, I think it takes a lot of work and a lot of proactive action. What I am learning is the idea of being an emotional leader. I think it’s also really important to have really good supports external to the relationship who aren’t judgemental; along with that, it’s imperative to know when to reach out and when to solve issues internally with your partner.

I read on here recently the idea of shortening time together to reduce the number of “bad days.” Eg., if you tend to have 15 good days consecutively, followed by 4 bad days, take a break at 10 days. Spend time with friends or have an activity that’s strictly for you - this gives your partner time to reconcile emotions or to do an activity that they enjoy.

It’s a lot of work and it’s constant work. Things change all the time and this will change the needs of your partner and yourself. Be cognizant of where you’re both at, and utilize the ‘Tools’ section on this board. I have found it vital to have my own therapist as well to maintain my wellbeing and most importantly my confidence in my relationship.

I have found journalling to be helpful as well. I journal what I am learning about being a partner to somebody with BPD and I journal timelines quite a bit. This helps me recognize behavioural patterns and anticipate when chaos may occur.

I hope this helped a bit! I am new to this board and have been in my relationship for 2.5 years. Certainly, living together has proven to be much more difficult because it takes away my partner’s alone space and time.
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