Deleted message

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just checked my WhatsApp and noticed that a few hours ago my ex sent me a message but promptly deleted it, no idea what it said.

I have been NC after she abruptly ended our 4 year relationship by text 5 weeks ago.

Hard not to wonder what she wanted as I still love her and miss her terribly but I’m still sticking to NC. Definitely not replying to a cryptic deleted message.

[B1987]

Just checked my WhatsApp and noticed that a few hours ago my ex sent me a message but promptly deleted it, no idea what it said.

I have been NC after she abruptly ended our 4 year relationship by text 5 weeks ago.

Hard not to wonder what she wanted as I still love her and miss her terribly but I’m still sticking to NC. Definitely not replying to a cryptic deleted message.

[grumpydonut]

Good plan, my friend.

During my devaluation phase, my ex found a way to contact me via Google Photos (didn't even know it was possible). She promptly deleted it. I asked what it was, and she said "I just needed to contact you somehow, and you blocked me on everything else". When I asked what she wanted...she didn't have anything to say. It was just about fear of abandonment.

This could very well be the same.

[B1987]

Thank you grumpydonut!

Things actually got a bit weirder….

Whilst I was on WhatsApp last night, I updated my profile picture to one of me walking in a field, it was very nice and picturesque. This morning, I’ve noticed that my ex has updated her profile picture with virtually the same picture I took! It’s almost as if she saw my picture, got up, put some make up on, went to the nearest field and took a similar pic. Its the same pic as mine!

Anyone know what that’s all about? Is she trying to compete with me (which is completely unnecessary)? Trying to hurt me? Or would she be trying to mirror me to try and re-attract/recycle?

[grumpydonut]

That is really odd. It sounds like she is still mirroring you? It also sounds like she wants you to reach out.

Does she have a partner?

I mean, you could test it. Go take a photo in an area she knows, change picture and see if she does the same. Then you will know.

[B1987]

Thank you. It’s been 5 weeks so I have to assume she’s seeing someone new by now.

I have to be careful and maintain NC because the break up really hurt me and I can’t afford to reach out and be rejected and hurt. I’m focussing on healing, I just thought that was really strange.

[Skip]

Anyone know what that’s all about? Is she trying to compete with me (which is completely unnecessary)? Trying to hurt me? Or would she be trying to mirror me to try and re-attract/recycle?

Sometimes it helps to look at the big things that have happened... the minutiae is so much harder to predict.

You had a deep serious three year relationship. She was feeling down/vulnerable one day about not having managed her life better and not having a husband and a family and on that day this is what she heard from you (not exactly what you were saying, but most likely what she heard given the situation):


Date: 1988Minutes: 4:13
"I'm Not Your Man" ~ Tommy Conwell

Then you broke up.

Most women have a greater affinity for a Cinderella story than a Tommy Conwell tune and that is the bigger picture here.

Think how hard it would be for any women to reach out. Then add BPD tendencies with its insecure attachment and shame.

Reaching out for her means swallowing a lot of hurt feelings (which tend to become resentments in time - a normal coping mechanism - but it can become a runaway train).

Reaching out for her means accepting that she is never going to be the one and that you are waiting for someone better to come a long and commit to. Being a stepping stone.

You got back together, but were things ever really resolved?

PS: The ironic thing about this music video is that the editor made all the cutaways  adoring women looking at Tommy Conwell with worshiping eyes. We men get it wrong it times

[Rev]

Hey B1987

Not wanting to add much - except to say that there's a lot of clarity here.

As my own T said to me - Rev, stay in your rational brain.

I did and eventually my emotional state stabilized. Took a while, like maybe 18 months for it to completely iron out (maybe about a year for the bad spikes to end) but now it's pretty good.

Hang in there bud. Better times ahead for you if you stay this course.

Rev

[B53]

You might want to be careful stereotyping women. LOL  ( not really offended) Of course we would love the Cinderella story, but most mature, rational women, know that doesn’t exist. I have no problem reaching out, be the better person and own a mistake I have made, like any mature adult should. But then, what do I know, I fell for a BPD.

[Skip]

Of course we would love the Cinderella story, but most mature, rational women, know that doesn’t exist. I have no problem reaching out, be the better person and own a mistake I have made, like any mature adult should. But then, what do I know, I fell for a BPD.

 

If you were seriously dating someone and dropped a not-so-subtle hint about marriage and he said, I'm OK to date you, but there is no future, and broke up... what is the most mature, rational response?

If you got back together to date and didn't resolve this, would your feelings about loyalty, commitment, trust be the same as before?

I still love her and miss her terribly but I’m still sticking to NC. Definitely not replying to a cryptic deleted message.

If you want her, you probably have to be the one to step up.

I understand where you are coming from. My relationship ended when I didn't fix the last breakup. I loved her. I loved her kids. The emotional chaos was something I felt I had to let go of... as hard as it was to let the relationship drift away.

She's married now. I'm happy for her.

[B53]

Skip,
The mature, rational thing to do would not be to drop a not-so-subtle hint and openly talk about what your plans are for the future and see if your on the same page. If they suddenly drop you, then you grieve the relationship, talk to a therapist if you need to and move on and not go back. Trust is something that is earned, so no, I would no longer trust that person.

BUT if you are dealing with a person with BPD, all bets are off, there is nothing rational going on there. If you had told me five years ago that I would be on this site, dealing with the emotional hurt, that I have been sorting through and dealing with, I would say, your crazy. But, here I am! I was in a good place when I met him. After being love bombed, gaslighting and all the other things that we all have dealt with, I was no longer in a rational world. It came on so slowly.I equate it to the story of the frog. Put a frog in hot water, he will jump out, put him in water and slowly turn up the heat he will stay in there and die. Then add intermittent reinforcement and a bpd can take down even the strongest of people.

Believe me, I am not judgmental about anyone’s situation on this site. I sadly identified with many stories. I don’t feel qualified to give advice, but I can relate what I have done in certain situations. After a breakup he said all the right things and seem very sincere and at that particular moment I think he was. He was the one who set up couples counseling. Unfortunately the counselor had no idea what we were dealing with and neither did we. What kept me there was that he was always willing to work on us. When he was diagnosed with BPD he started therapy, DBT. He wanted to get better. After six months of therapy and two months apart, he wasn’t any different. That lasted less than two months.

I admire all the people who have committed themselves to making it work and can do so without loosing who they are and are able to take care of themselves as they deal with it. I sadly had to admit to myself, that is not me. I still love him as many of us do. It was too close to FOO dysfunctions, that took years of therapy to work through. It’s hard enough making a relationship work, with two relatively healthy people.

B1987,
This may have gotten a little off track from your original post, but in a way it hasn’t. It’s all about copping and talking care of yourself. I find seeing emails in my junk folder still disturbs me and I know talking to him would set me back in my recovery. It seems like this is happening to you. NC is the only way for me to move on and may be what you need to do. Breaking NC is something many of us have done and not worth beating yourself up for doing. We are all trying to do are best here.

Hang in there. I wish you the best!
B53

[grumpydonut]

I admire all the people who have committed themselves to making it work and can do so without loosing who they are

Personally, I don't think this is possible. They will always change who we are. It's a matter of time. The lucky ones jump from the pot before the temperature rises to the point that they become those boiled frogs 

[B1987]

Thank you everyone for replying.

Unfortunately, this has really affected my healing and has set me back a lot. I miss her so much and would do anything to reconnect so this possible act or mirroring is making me want to reach out.

I absolutely cannot do this though. She ended things with me in rather a cruel way and I'm 99% sure she'll be seeing someone else by now. I can't allow myself to break NC only to be hurt again, then I've played straight into her game (if that's what she's doing).

Each time we have split is has been her that has reached out to me. If she actually communicated clearly I would respond back and gauge the situation but unless that happens I will continue to focus on my healing.

This is so hard! I'm so sad and angry that I could pine for someone so much, despite all the dysfunctional elements!

[grumpydonut]

Just another thing to add.

Be very wary that you are being baited into a trap. While less likely, it's not impossible that she wants you to text her to then paint you as a stalker, harrasser to a current partner, or simply just to have an opportunity to rub a new relationship in your face.

[B1987]

Yes, grumpydonut. That has definitely crossed my mind and is the reason why I'm keeping NC.

[Rev]

Yes, grumpydonut. That has definitely crossed my mind and is the reason why I'm keeping NC.

Stay the course my friend... you are only a few weeks out. BPD relationships have been compared to gambling addictions. Do whatever you need to do to resist contact until you are able to at least stay in your rational brain without feeling any pain - so that your rational brain can talk to your emotional brain, which may feel pain for a while.  Of course you are going to miss her right now - she and what you thought had were wrapped up into one. Give it enough time to see the difference between the two.

In the first month, I put something like 3000 miles on my car just going for long drives. I stayed close to my friends who kept me distracted.  I got therapy to learn to train my brain to get perspective. I wrote lists of what it was really like to live with her to stop idealizing.  Things like that can make a difference in the first few weeks.

Hang in there.

Rev

[B1987]

Thank you, Rev. I am trying but it's just so hard. I am struggling to process the fact that I'll never see her again and constantly wonder if she even gives me much thought.

I think another problem is that her recent actions have ignited a little hope inside me. Hope that she is missing me and will reach out.

I have been walking a lot which has helped but have never experienced pain like it. Thank you for the messages.

[once removed]

I am struggling to process the fact that I'll never see her again and constantly wonder if she even gives me much thought.

I think another problem is that her recent actions have ignited a little hope inside me. Hope that she is missing me and will reach out.

she clearly gives you at least some thought.

my ex and i never really had any contact after we broke up. there were a couple of attempts made, by me, to exchange belongings, but it was never going to happen, she was with a new guy in another city. quite a while later, on two occasions, i got a facebook friend request that was taken back/deleted a few hours later.

is there a psychology reason behind why that would occur, or why your ex would send you a message that she then deleted? maybe.

you have to understand that there is an enormous fear of rejection, and to reach out to an ex is a vulnerable sort of thing. plausible deniability can reduce the vulnerability. is it possible that she hoped you might respond to ask what was up? its possible. its equally possible she poured out her heart to you, decided against it, and deleted it, and its equally possible that she lashed out at you to tell you that youre terrible, decided against it, and deleted it. there may be other possibilities, but id bet on one of those three things.

you also have to take into account your unique relationship to each other and the circumstances under which you broke up. youre struggling with it, and she probably is too. as much as you hear about our longing for closure, our ex partners tend to want it too, especially when they are on the receiving end of the breakup.

with all that said, if there is hope inside you of hearing from her, you are not giving her a path to pursue it. if youre just feeling conflicted about it, i understand. at the time, id have given to hear anything from my ex, and to have her back, even though i was cognizant that i might feel differently at a later time. otherwise, as was said, you would likely need to be the one to reach out.

[catlady90]

Thank you grumpydonut!

Things actually got a bit weirder….

Whilst I was on WhatsApp last night, I updated my profile picture to one of me walking in a field, it was very nice and picturesque. This morning, I’ve noticed that my ex has updated her profile picture with virtually the same picture I took! It’s almost as if she saw my picture, got up, put some make up on, went to the nearest field and took a similar pic. Its the same pic as mine!

Anyone know what that’s all about? Is she trying to compete with me (which is completely unnecessary)? Trying to hurt me? Or would she be trying to mirror me to try and re-attract/recycle?

I have no advice because I am beyond easily pulled in to the subtle unspoken back and forth exchanges. Just came here to say I’m sorry. It sucks because you know if you can connect the dots, their brain works in a way that they can too. It doesn’t change that plausible deniability though that they are able to maintain by not being super outward about it. If you reach out she may just talk to you like you’re nuts for reaching out or just ignore you. there is no benefit whatsoever to reaching out, but just want to validate that it’s unbelievably difficult not to engage.

[poppy2]

Hey,

So I can really relate to this situation. Do you know what a double bind is? I'm not sure I can give a psychological definition, but my ex was terrific at this, and it played havoc with my mind, heart and stress hormones in such a way that words cannot express the pain I felt.

For example, right after she discarded/abandoned me, she changed the picture of her Spotify profile from one of her to a River.. which has a deeply personal resonance for me (and me in our relationship) way beyond coincidental. I felt like I was being memorialized just as I was being rejected. Once after I tried to get in touch to reconcile/understand what had happened/etc. she sent me an email saying she never wanted to see me again, and then the next day I saw she had *unblocked* me from Telegramm, the platform we used to communicate (I had been blocked for over a month on all platforms). She later made a Spotify playlist, which was a big platform of communication for her feelings in her life,  kind of like a diary, with songs like 'im sorry' 'I just need a little time' 'I'll always love you' etc. And made no effort at all to communicate these things to me. And so on.

these situations are all double binds. You recieve one very clear communication, and then recieve the opposite, insinuated communication in another way. Perhaps in your case it's a little different, but I recognize this pattern of behaviour. My understsnding of it was really the hurt, sheltered child who in some way had to reach out, had to mirror, was suffering the loss of connection etc. This hurt child was hidden by walls and walls of other behaviours, like control, power games, rejection, etc. My point is, it's devastating and I totally sympathize with all of the feelings you're having right now. It's heartbreaking and confusing. But do you want to be in a relation, or any form of communication, with this lost/hurting/abandoned child, who cannot be clear and above board with you?

That's very hard to step away from. After she cut off all communication with me, I made spotify playlists as a way of communicating with her in this mode, to recieve any recogniton at all of my feelings (and I 'recieved' replies thru her playlists). But prolonging the hope was also a way of prolonging the pain.

If I had to express unsolicited advice to a complete stranger over the internet (), I would say if you can't live without it, it's good to make your own mistakes and try and contact her, even if it's just a trap (I agree with the other poster on this,i think it's very likely) and you enter some crazy making or very hurtful circle. But maybe it isn't, and you'll be lucky... but in any case, it's very important to acknowledge within all that pain that communications like this can never form a foundation for a respectful relationship with someone. If you contact her, it might be like giving her 'permission' to communicate like this in the future, you know? she will know she can make some sign you will come running/fill the gaps left in her lack of communication.

Also, after 5 years, to be broken up with suddenly and then only have 4 weeks afterwards... been there. It's so painful. I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I remember those weeks as a total nightmare, as id just moved into a new, empty flat, been discarded and would have done anything to get the connection back. But, I belive there will come a day when you will no longer want that as badly as you do now. I hope that helps you. And I'm sorry for you, me and everybody who has ever had to live thru this sh*t.

Best wishes