Heading to counseling again… whole family this time. Poor kids… we must do bette

[Wewillbebetter]

I’ve been pretty positive that my SO hasBPD for a long while. A couple of years ago he added to the list of problems when he started telling our son things about me without my permission, and out of context (recovered addict - so is he, but he claimed it was always just me- that I broke up our family, without mention of me being the only one who regained stability - without him- to save our family, etc.). That devolved to statements like, “if you loved your kids…” whenever he’s mad, in front of the kids, this implying to them that I don’t love them. My oldest (12) has slowly started to hate me more and more and to copy his dads behavior more and more. It’s the most heartbreaking development. My sweet baby was leaps and bounds ahead in emotional development before he stopped accepting responsibility for anything, started yelling a lot and gaslighting constantly. We had a outstanding relationship before the parental alienation.

At the kids request (I’ve spent years requesting to mostly no avail) we will do family counseling. I was able to get my SO to agree by scheduling telegraphy through aFilipino counseling office located on the Philippines (he’s Filipino). I’m hoping that he will listen to their suggestion that it’s a good idea to do individual counseling as well (I realize family counseling might help the rest of us, but typically doesn’t help the individual with BPD to treat that).

For my part, I need to have more resolve. Not self medicate by having beer each evening (not a recovering alcoholic btw… but I also don’t want to become one, or set a bad example for my kids). I’ve read SWOE and Ned to slowly apply it. However, being called a bad mother, a bitch, stupid (despite my three recent degrees and graduating Summa Cum Laude) is not helping me to be in the right frame of mind to keep my cool and react correctly. Neither is being the only one who even considers bills, planning ahead, kids’ showers and brushing teeth, etc. I know these things aren’t true, but I feel like I’m always in fight or flight mode waiting to hear them again, loudly, in front of the kids.

Advice, virtual hugs, more people to connect with desired. Thanks for being here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

a large part of untangling this conflict is understanding how it got there, and, knowing that it wont change trajectories over night.

how did things get to the point of parental alienation...what set it off?

[pursuingJoy]

Wewillbebetter *virtual hug* from one mom to another. I can relate to some of what you're going through. I have 3 girls (16,18 and 20) and we've always been close. Four months ago they got together and decided that I am a horrible person and now they're not speaking to me. I've been grieving and reading a lot about parental estrangement and alienation. I'm so anxious and tired. I'm not sure I have any wisdom to share, just want you to know that you're not alone in the trenches. 

I'm really proud of the way you're honestly facing reality, accepting it for what it is, and taking steps to make it better. I know what kind of courage and fortitude that takes. Don't give up! 

pj

[WanderColossus]

Hi, I will follow your posts with interest. There’s a lot that sounds familiar, so I hope for some more details about the specifics. My oldest is half the age of yours and I am nervous about the kind of things you are describing.  I also have recent memories of being called a bad father on Father’s Day… .  So I’ll check back as you have more.   I will say that the particular combination of therapy that we are receiving now, though not meeting the core needs of the BPD person, is very reassuring nonetheless.

[Wewillbebetter]

Thank you all for your kind and empathetic responses— two reactions I need and deserve, but I’m not used to getting. I’m also sorry that I left this hanging for so long… I did check back shortly after I posted, and then I got caught up in life. I suppose it will take me some time with all my PTSD to expect that I can have open honest and supportive conversations.

At any rate, I am truly thankful for the responses, and I’m really, really sorry to hear that others find something familiar in my situation.

To answer a question, about when/why this started: Not surprisingly, given BPD core tendencies, this started when my SO was self sabotaging after things were great for about 6 months and so we moved back in together. (Also of course my mistake, for knowing that no actual growth had happened in that time, but the splitting had switched so that I was good again.) Thus, he was starting to fail at his college courses, not doing his household responsibilities and then that devolved into going out whenever he felt like it, drinking himself to oblivion, spending out money that was so carefully budgeted on that, and then he put a cherry on top… he started on his dating apps again. So, for my part, I was keeping daily calm, trying to mitigate damage and be super mom despite it all, but those dating sites really put things over the edge; also, a night where he was out drinking resulted in him being so drunk that he peed on our kids’ bed instead of the toilet.

So— in my reactions to those things, I would guess he saw the inevitable breakup coming (often has occurred when he leaves me, but I too will request time apart when I know I can’t deal enough to keep the kids’ environment stable) / felt rejected by the idea, even if he was putting himself there. Even before I couldn’t hold my own reactions, the kids could see he was not doing well. I believe the fear of abandonment and separation from the kids for him was best solved by making me the bad person.

[Wewillbebetter]

Also, and importantly! I should share this resource for all of you who might be experiencing this:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ezBJ3954mKw

The speaker is not only a specialist in parental alienation, but has added significantly to the conversation. I found myself pausing to take a breath or even let some tears out. Hardest but for me was the diagnostic criteria that the child does not feel grief over the loss of an important and healthy parental relationship. I feel SO much grief not having the relationship I had just two years ago with my sweet child. I know he has that somewhere too, but it is buried so deep now.

[pursuingJoy]

I feel SO much grief not having the relationship I had just two years ago with my sweet child. I know he has that somewhere too, but it is buried so deep now.

It's hard to watch, and it's important to accept that you can't control your SO's parental alienation. Remember that kids change A LOT from 12-18, even beyond.  At 10 my kids were sweet and compliant because they needed acceptance. By 12 they started pushing away, wanting to become independent. My counselor keeps reminding me that kids brains are not fully developed until they're in their mid-20's. Until then, they're largely driven by impulse.

All that to say that your SO is not the sole influence or deciding factor here. Grieve what you've lost but it's ok to hope for better days ahead. It's possible.

I wanted to mention that I've seen a good number of parental alienation posts on the 'Conflicted' board, if you want to check them out or create another post there. Each board has a bit of a following and sometimes you get more feedback when you cross-post.