I'm struggling. I've been out of contact with my BPD mother since 2005. It's a long story but she was becoming violent and it was finally time to save myself. I got married that year and in many ways feel like my life finally began. Sometimes I struggle with the decision but I have build a happy and healthy family and now have a life I never thought I would have with my husband and 13 year old son.
Recently, a friend asked me about my biological father. I knew very little about him except what I had been told - he married a woman with 5 kids and even though I was his only biological child he didn't want me. I haven't seen him since I was a child and I'm 45 now. I only have good memories of him and his step-kids.
My friend had worked with one of his step-kids and wanted to know if I knew if he was still alive. I didn't know. She asked if she could ask his step-daughter and I said yes. This led to me talking to his step daughter who told me he had always talked about me and referred to me as part of the family. Eventually she asked if I would speak with him. I said he could email.
When he emailed it was clear he was very nervous and didn't know what to say. He said he would honestly answer any question. I asked what happened. Why was he not in my life?
He wrote a long and moving email detailing that my mother had chosen to keep him out of my life. One day she told him he would never see me again. She called all his friends and family and told them too. She even called his work. My father was living in poverty (and has chronic illness) and my mother was now married to her 3rd husband who could afford to give her whatever she wanted (they divorced long ago). My father could not afford to take her to court. My mother could hire any lawyer she wanted. If she answered his calls she always told him to give her money to see me. I do remember seeing him 3 or 4 times as a child and I do remember him giving her money when he picked me up. I have a letter from him talking about his health problems and lack of money from 1984. ALL of his email sounded familiar - not in regards to him but I have seen her do these things to other people. He explained that after several years he decided it was best for me to let go and stop fighting. I know my mom and this makes sense. He would never, ever win. Even with all this he did not bad mouth my mother.
I have been emailing with my father for a couple months now and it has been wonderful. He seems like a deeply caring, intelligent and thoughtful person. It feels familiar and many long forgotten GOOD memories have been coming to mind.
There's only one problem. It HURTS. How could anyone rob me of a life with my father? His step-kids are so welcoming and call me their sister. I grew up in hateful and difficult household. I could have had siblings and a biological father (I have 3 biological brothers that choose not to be in contact with me because I'm not in contact with our mom. We all have different fathers).
How could my mother do this to me? How do I move past all the years I've lost? My father is 71 years old now and I'm 45. I truly believe we can have a relationship from here but we live across the country from each other. I had gotten used to not having parents in my life but now I feel robbed. It feels so personal since my mother let my brothers have their fathers in their lives. Why me? Is this about BPD or is she just a terrible person...?
Thank you for listening,
Lexicat
