Late night arguments

[ObsoleatSN]

My ex uBPD would always pick the middle of the night to bring up emotional topics. Often times starting arguments at 1:00 or 2:00am. I was the one getting up in the morning (6:00 am) and getting the kids ready for school and was not able to have intelligent conversations at that time and as hard as I tried I could not effectively disengage. My ex would chase me around the house room to room until I exploded from exhaustion. I would end up saying something so hurtful in an attempt to just end the argument which would then provide fuel for the next argument and guilt trip. I never realized that this was such a cycle.

[Sappho11]

It was the same here. We'd talk on the phone at 10pm, and when it was time to hang up an hour later, he'd suddenly pick a fight that would last until two or three in the morning. Of course, it was always somehow "my" fault.

Even on the rare occasion that we didn't fight, I almost always found myself feeling incredibly drained after conversations. Only in hindsight did I realise that this was from mentally dodging arguments or stopping them in their tracks, a kind of self-perpetuating emotional whack-a-mole.

But then again, my ex didn't only pick fights at night... he picked them all the time. About how he liked a certain news show and I didn't. About how I put my toothbrush in the cabinet and he didn't. About how I would certainly cheat on him in two or three years time (NB. I've never cheated on anyone). I would try to defend myself rationally and he'd call me "aggressive". When I broke down in tears after hours of his paranoid accusations, he would then complain how he'd need me to be "happy for once" and that he couldn't deal with this constant conflict any longer.

I felt terrible and blamed myself for eight months, until he broke up with me. Afterwards I slowly realised that he was the only person in my life whom I "didn't get along with". I'm now working to get back my old self-identification of being someone who's easy-going and diplomatic, and gets along with almost everyone, but... it's not easy when the person you loved most has been telling you the opposite for the better part of a year.

I've digressed... yes, nightly arguments, they were a thing. The sleeplessness took a toll on both my physical and mental health, and this probably made things even worse than they'd otherwise have been.

Perhaps an interesting factoid, but sleep deprivation contributes to the formation of unhealthy attachment, in particular trauma bonds: lack of sleep raises cortisol levels, and when you're flooded with stress hormones, you crave dopamine even more. And what's your primary source of dopamine? It's the good moments when your BPD partner is loving and caring...

[ObsoleatSN]

Yes, my ex picked fights all the time, but my ability to de-escalate them at night was not nearly as good when I was sleep-deprived.  Been going through this cycle for 10+ years now. Dealing with the same problems of finding my identity again. I am both relieved to be free of the cycle and sad at what could have been all at once.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey ObsoleatSN,  Same for me.  My BPDxW would pick a fight with me late at night and then chase me around the house, preventing me from getting any sleep.  I took long walks to lower the tension, only to return to find myself locked out of my own home.  Things got so bad that I had to spend nights at a motel.  As Sappho11 suggests, sleep deprivation is a technique used to break someone down, such as prisoners of war.  Sometimes I felt like a prisoner, sad to say.  At that point, I knew that I had to leave.

LuckyJim

[Cromwell]

I wonder if the fear of abandonment can be so strong that to fall asleep first is a form of vanishing. On the other side, for the pwBPD to sleep first is to risk awaking and the other not being there.

What better way to solve than to argue through the night until either side collapses from exhaustion. Staying to argue is a tacit reassurance that there is cared enough to go through with the intensity and not leave.

/stops wondering