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Author Topic: How do you create healthy distance with someone with BPD  (Read 147 times)
Skilmeragain

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« on: July 20, 2021, 09:20:55 PM »

Tonight my girlfriend told me she has been feeling smothered by me. Ever since we’ve had a couple recent incidents where I accused her of cheating on me she has been extremely emotionally closed off and distant. And I’ve been extra clingy because of her distance. I was wondering how or what does healthy amount of distance look like in a relationship with someone with BPD. I constantly reply to everything she says, am extremely supportive, emotionally available and empathetic/understanding , reply to all her snaps and social media and I’m not sure if at this point she needs a little chase to bring back some of the flame. I feel as if I’ve lost a lot of myself too and I focus too much on her and maybe that’s been a turn off.

It’s not black and white especially because she has been extremely hurt by my actions the last few weeks so Im not sure what the right response is.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2021, 02:58:31 PM »

And I’ve been extra clingy because of her distance.

I feel as if I’ve lost a lot of myself too and I focus too much on her and maybe that’s been a turn off.

It may be important to let her reach an emotional baseline on her own time, and to work on finding your own footing outside of her. Regain your confidence. Let her know you're available but give her space. Show her that you're ok, and that you'll be patient. I'm fairly certain that a chase will achieve the opposite of what you want at this point.

What can you do to find your own footing?
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Skilmeragain

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« Reply #2 on: July 22, 2021, 01:58:14 PM »

I think it may take a long time for the trust to be built back in our relationship. She’s felt very controlled lately and I can’t blame her. She censors everything she tells me now and I only get little bits and pieces of the day. And she told me she wonders when the next time she’s going to get a call or accusation again. So she’s constantly living in fear. I feel really guilty every time she says it to me.

I’ve lost everything about myself since entering the relationship. I don’t skate anymore, I used to love filming skating with my friends. I’ve been unemployed waiting for my contractors license to go through for about 6 months, but I’ve finally gotten things sorted back out in that area of my life so that’s promising. I need to start going out with friends more and not revolving my life around the relationship so much but still be present.

It sucks because we are in a long distance relationship (she’s on the east coast and I’m on the west coast)  so she goes to bed around the peak hours of when I could still conduct my life and we FaceTime every night during that time. The whole situation is extra complicated especially with two people who have BPD.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2021, 02:34:57 PM »

Are you still face timing every night? Do you think a balance between spending time with her and doing other things you love would help you to find more stability?

Long distance relationships are not easy. You sound like you understand her perspective and you're being patient with her. It takes time!
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
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« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2021, 12:22:27 AM »

ive been in distant situations with partners many times.

its majorly anxiety inducing for me. i suspect if i were in your shoes, a little reassurance would go a long way, but chasing it will generally render it further out of reach, and in turn, that would leave me even more anxious.

chasing, wearing our heart on our sleeve, and generally acting on anxiety is just not something that women in general are attracted to. a person with bpd traits, especially, really relies on our strength and stability. as a general rule, i allow myself to be as anxious as im going to be, but i try not to put it upon a partner, or potential partner.

pulling back even a little can go a long way. it reintroduces the element of mystery, it can showcase the upbeat, confident guy that she fell for in the first place. its the difference between playing games vs just being way too available. i have some tendency to come on too strong, when i tend to find less is more.

Excerpt
I’ve lost everything about myself since entering the relationship. I don’t skate anymore, I used to love filming skating with my friends.

get these things back. build on them even, with new things. it will not only help keep you grounded, but these things that make us "us" are what others find attractive about us. it may feel like pulling teeth for a while, but its a big part of the puzzle.
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