Breaking down

[jmbl]

This time he told our daughter that they are moving out. Then he got angry at her while I was at work and he screamed at her and told her he hated being her dad (I am not her biological mother, so he could move her out of the home if he wanted to).. He texted me that he was going to kill himself soon. He says he hates me and that I make his skin crawl and I make him feel worse and unsafe. M is at her biological moms house.

I am at a loss.

He is changing so quickly. I am keeping my space from him and not playing into what he is saying. I am staying in the home to make sure he is safe and I have reiterated to him lots of anti-suicide things  while maintain my composure, being genuine, and not being pushy.

These episodes are getting more severe. He has had two suicide attempts in the past. He is laying in bed but he is extremely agitated.

Lots of changes in the last three months: moving, me working full time, him starting full time at a new job then subsequently being put on ‘stand by’ after 6 weeks (home with pay in case they ned workers).

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[jmbl]

UPDATE: After a full day of sleeping, he woke up in tears for missing out on family time. He was still angry and withdrawn and he later told me plans for suicide. I did not, and will never, validate his ideas of suicide. Instead, I consistently reiterated his worth to our family and asked him to be safe. He left to go fishing, and when I hadn't heard from him at 11:00 pm, I left to check his regular spots - I didn't find him. Finally, at 12:00 am, he called me (he hasn't even picked up my calls, let alone call me, in almost 2 weeks) to tell me he had been fishing and will be home shortly.

When he arrived home... he was back to his normal self, as if nothing had happened. We talked about our days, gave each other a hug, and went to bed together. This morning, he is his normal self - more tired than usual (understandable) but calm, positive and loving (nothing extreme though).

I think I have learned to take the negative episodes in stride and the importance of validation and space. In the most simple terms, I have also learned that it's important not to make a big deal about negativity, to walk away from the comments, and not engage in highly emotional conversations based on false narratives. I hope that next time this happens, I will be able to stand with confidence, understanding, and be an emotional leader for our family. It is painful to see your loved one hurt so much. Thank you to this board for the insight, advice, and guidance - thank you also for providing such a safe space that these scenarios can simply be written down in. Loving someone with BPD is one of the greatest hurdles of my life, but I wouldn't trade him for anyone.

[once removed]

you handled things well; admirably.

its difficult to know what to say or do when a loved one is talking about suicide.

if a person has made two attempts, and is making threats, there is a reasonable likelihood of that repeating.

i would really encourage you to get in touch with local SI resources; have a plan in the event this happens again.

[jmbl]

i would really encourage you to get in touch with local SI resources; have a plan in the event this happens again.

By SI do you mean suicide intervention?

I have been at work so unable to post at all. I definitely saw the flip from pushing me away to idolization and recognized the importance of treading lightly in this realm as well. No matter the emotion, those w BPD feel them big time. My goal right now is to be an emotional leader and recognize when emotions are building. It’s hard (obviously, we’re all just human) not to get too caught up in the emotional happenings. I feel the most important thing I can do as a partner is to remain calm at *almost* all times (easier said than done) and not take things personally.

He made a point to mention that he doesn’t hate me, that he genuinely is happy in our relationship, and that when he repeats this behaviour to remember that he doesn’t mean it. He describes it as “watching somebody else say mean things and them not listening to you when you say stop,” that his hatred is a reflection of how he feels for himself and not how he feels for me.

You know, I would never change a thing about him - I love him for who he his - except his ability to see how wonderful he truly is.