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jmbl
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« on: July 21, 2021, 10:19:35 AM »

I’m beginning to struggle with the understanding and perseverance required to be with my BPD partner. More often than not, my flaws and imperfections are pointed out and criticized. It has never been this consistent before, and I’m worried that I am getting beat down. For example, instead of recognizing any contributions to our household or parenting duties, I’m informed that “the house is disgusting” and that I “make parenting so much harder.” I feel frustrated, and that the criticisms of my character are baseless. It’s hard to continue responding with statements of support and empathy when I feel like I am constantly put down and unappreciated. I even question if he still wants to be with me, and it’s hard to take anything he says in either way (whether if he wants to be with me or not) true.  Any ideas or advice? I feel completely stuck.
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« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2021, 02:51:07 PM »

jmbl, most of us know this feeling. It can be so incredibly draining to live with a pwBPD. I'm glad you're here.

At the risk of sounding trite, what are you doing outside of your home life to put a smile on your face? Who are the people that make you feel content? It is absolutely critical to make sure that you're filling up your tank and investing in your emotional wellness, especially if your partner is making withdrawals. Garden, walk, sit in the sun, take vitamins, call someone, meet up for drinks, dance...get some time away. Give your brain and heart a break from the stress and remind your body what it feels like to laugh and relax.

You may have shared this in a previous post, but are you in therapy? Sometimes I just needed to hear that I wasn't imagining things.

Support and empathy are important, but so is truth. Can we brainstorm ways to reset his accusations and empty them of their sting? Could be a response to him or maybe just a different way of looking at them.

We're here.
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jmbl
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« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2021, 08:41:56 PM »

Hi pj,

Thanks for the response.

I feel that I have a pretty fulfilling life outside of the home. I'm close with my friends, I talk with my family lots (they live in a different province), I spend time paddle boarding and walking/swimming with my dog, and I recently took up snorkelling in the lakes nearby. On top of that, I work as a nurse and I love my work. This being said, I have found lately that when I want to spend more time with my friends, he feels like I am choosing them over him.

I am finding that I am struggling with my truth statements. I rehearse in my head, but often my SET communication is not coming out the way I want it to, especially after I work a set of shifts (12 hours days/nights)! Over the past two weeks there has been constant negativity, and even some threats to leave me. Last Thursday I hit a wall and broke down. In reality, it's ended up being a good thing that he saw me break down because he now has seen how he is affecting me (his words, not mine). Although I know how much he loves me, I have been questioning it lately - easy to do when you are being regularly criticised for being yourself. I feel that I am at the point of "just because I understand the reason behind the behaviour, I do not accept it." I don't want to be defensive with him, I don't want to argue, fight, or what have you. I feel like we make great progress, and then it is set back 10 miles and I don't want to become resentful towards him.

I work with a therapist who specialises in BPD. She is amazing, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Sometimes I am feeling shameful about remaining in my relationship though, and it's hard to share this feeling with her and anyone in my life. I feel I deserve to be respected and loved, and I understand that he does respect and love me, but when it's constantly not shown, it feels the opposite.
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jmbl
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« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2021, 01:10:10 AM »

I read stories of success, and I feel like we have been on the right track, but after these two weeks I don’t know how it can be sustainable. I feel quite distraught, like I am going to lose my family and my life. I entered into our relationship knowing he had BPD, and although I was quite naive about what that meant, I feel I have put work into being a good partner.

How do you tell when things are okay or not? BPD is such a rollercoaster, and it feels like no matter what, there is an unsettling cloud above us. This cloud has been hovering now for about 1-1.5 months.

How do you ride out the storm? It’s like he is kind and thoughtful to everyone except for me. I have begun to feel on edge, constantly waiting for the next criticism or being ignored. Everything is blamed on me, and even when he says ‘I’m assuming he’s blaming me,’ it’s based on his language and tone of voice, and my attempts to gently point this out have gone nowhere. I know I’m being pushed, and I’m aware of the attitude of perseverance required. Does everyone in a relationship with a pwBPD go through this? Does it change, or is it on me to change my perspective and become better at radical acceptance?

I am a calm person, and it honestly takes a lot to push my patience. I don’t know where things turned, and my brain is constantly thinking of ‘what I could’ve done differently.’ I can feel my patience and kindness slipping away because, in all honesty, I’m beyond hurt and I’m becoming frustrated.

I know the answer is not to leave. My love is genuine, and it’d be a tragedy for our family to break apart 
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« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2021, 02:34:43 AM »

Hi jmbl


I know exactly how you feel andhow its feels it all building up inside of you.

What about if you scheduled some extra appointments with your therapist or journalled it out?

But also just writing on here is helping. Sorry I don't have something more useful to say
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« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2021, 04:46:43 AM »

I do journal quite a bit, and I have an additional journal that is strictly for my learning in regard to BPD including communication principles. I have also made extra appointments with my therapist. I’m not sure there really is anything to do. I cannot control him, nor would I ever want to (or control anyone for that matter!).

I know the answer is acceptance, perseverance, understanding, and truth. Nonetheless, it’s a lot easier said than done some day/weeks/months. The ability to continuously be the one of reason is exhausting: I wish I had the answer to this dilemma so many of us face.
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« Reply #6 on: July 22, 2021, 05:16:37 AM »

So do I.  It sounds like you are doing as much as you can atm  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #7 on: July 22, 2021, 02:21:21 PM »

Sometimes I am feeling shameful about remaining in my relationship though, and it's hard to share this feeling with her and anyone in my life.

thanks for sharing this, something about the way you put it really hit home for me and helped me understand how I've been feeling. I reached a point where I was so sad because my marriage wasn't what I wanted, or what I thought it should be. It wasn't that my expectations were unreasonable. I wanted to be able to talk about things, but instead I was putting boundaries in place to maintain the equilibrium. For a while I questioned if I was even upholding my values. Mostly I was sad, a lot.

If grief is part of it for you, it will get better. I promise. Grief is necessary and it sucks. The feelings are heavy today, but if I'm hearing you, there's a part of you that already knows it won't always be like this. You're going to be ok. You have the right state of mind and you have the tools. You can get through this.

I can feel my patience and kindness slipping away because, in all honesty, I’m beyond hurt and I’m becoming frustrated.

I'm a lot like you (sometimes to the point where I suspect my patience and longsuffering is a well developed defense mechanism Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)). This week I was in a counseling session and where I've been able to keep it together, communicate clearly, say the right things, not validate the invalid, etc...I cried the whole time. I was also angry and I played the victim. It was not pretty, I was humbled, and I just let it happen. I wasn't rude, but I've been under a LOT of stress and pretending I can manage it all isn't doing anyone any favors. Your hurt and frustration are completely valid. You can't do it all. It's healthy for him to see that.

You know all of this stuff. I just want you to know that your story helped me, and that it's ok to have really bad days and lose it, and it's ok that you're hurting today. I'm not sure how or why, but it gets better. Keep being authentic. You're doing great.

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« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2021, 12:45:32 AM »

i dont think that the response to someone who is lobbing less than constructive criticism at you are, necessarily, statements of support or empathy.

think about it.

if i punched you in the face, would you ask me what you did wrong, or try to show me you understand where im coming from?

i dont mean to be dramatic about it. and i dont mean to suggest you do a total 180, either.

some people are hypercritical, and/or complain a lot, and its an enormous drain. my dad could be that way to my mother. he had that old school attitude that he was at work, my mom ought to be cleaning, so hed get in a bad mood if he came home and saw something unkempt or saw her playing computer games. on the flipside, my mom could be a total nag.

more often than not, this sort of thing is more an expression of taking something personally; feeling slighted somehow, or feeling that things arent equal, and, frankly, being kind of a baby about it.

offering a support or empathy statement is, kind of, being defensive about it, when being on the defensive isnt really called for, and may even encourage more of it. it may be, in effect, validating the invalid, when what you really want to do, is sift through it to find out whats actually valid.

depending on the statement, if its one about you personally, or about your character, or something like that, you might, for example, bring it up in a time of calm, when youre both at baseline. ask if he really thinks that about you. dont argue, dont defend yourself, just listen. think it over. determine if, underneath the hyperbole and hurtful words, theres any truth to it. bring it up in another day or two. listen. if theres any truth to it, cop to it with thick skin. state the truth that the criticism of you and your character arent helpful. ask if the two of you can work with each other, help each other out. people with bpd traits have their tendencies, and this may be one of his, but that doesnt mean that at baseline, they cant hear us and be reasonable.

also depending on the statement, ignore it, as best you can (some people are nags and just have to nag; its their way). its natural to be resentful about it, for sure. responding to it directly, or defending yourself against it, may only make it worse.
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« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2021, 04:23:13 PM »

Hi once removed,

I see where you're coming from - supporting and being empathetic to invalid statements is ineffective. I have begun to mitigate this pattern this week (after a long talk with my T), and I have definitely enacted more self respect on my behalf to recognize that acceptance of degrading comments is not okay.

In my opinion, he has crossed the threshold of abuse and it is not my responsibility to tolerate it or continue to be understanding. I am in a position where I now need to protect myself and keep myself emotionally and psychologically safe. That being said, I do not engage in a defensive manner - I simply do not have the energy for this menial and ineffective behaviour. I come from a position of being "in this together" and being responsible for our own actions. I stick to the facts and don't let my emotions run conversations; again, a draining approach that is ineffective.

We have, on numerous occasions as of late, returned to conversations when things have settled down. Unfortunately, the comments about my character have continued through to these times and, after listening and reflection, I still believe them to be invalid. I know who I am, and I have begun to see the attacks of my character as a clear behaviour of verbal abuse. I believe him to be responsible for his behaviour.

I think I have transitioned from a position of understanding to one of self preservation. I have never felt as if I could not continue in my relationship, but I truly do not know if I can continue. Today he has made threats at me ('if you say anything to me in the next 20 minutes, I swear to God...' but does not finish the sentence), has given me the silent treatment, gas lighted, treated me with double standards, cancelled our plans together last minute. I cannot be the one to carry the relationship or the standards of equitable treatment: each person is capable, competent and responsible for their behaviour regardless of BPD or not. We choose our behaviours, and I feel that he no longer shows any signs of wanting to contribute to our relationship or be responsible for his behaviour.

I recognize that at this moment I sound selfish and blaming. I have continued to be accountable for who I am -  recognising that I make mistakes, acknowledging them, and being open to different perspectives. When there is no longer any piece of this returned, then unfortunately the reality is that it puts me in an unsafe place; a place in which he will not be a contributing partner. I have no idea where he is, how he feels, what he is thinking because there is no communication with me. I am being isolated in my own home and made to feel unwelcome in activities with our family. I am told everything I am doing wrong, without provocation (i.e., I will be reading or making coffee, and he brings up something obscure and unrelated as a criticism) and he makes threats to leave me if I "don't cut that s**t out" (i.e., reading a story to our daughter while she eats breakfast because, in his eyes, it slows her down).

How much is too much and how far is too far? This is the most confused I have ever been about a relationship with another, romantic or not. How do you love someone who puts you at risk? I am genuinely scared for how I will be treated.
« Last Edit: July 23, 2021, 04:37:25 PM by jmbl » Logged
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« Reply #10 on: July 24, 2021, 01:56:14 PM »

You are making behavioral change that is repairing your self esteem.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

This will enhance your strength and resilience, but at the same time will likely be triggering to your partner since you won’t be reacting predictably as you were before.

Why does someone attack your character and try to undermine your self confidence?

Most likely it’s because he has a shaky sense of self and through belittling you, he feels stronger, a very unhealthy pattern.

You deserve to be treated well, respected, and cherished by your partner and wanting this is not selfish.

Observing his behavior patterns is not blaming. You will know how much is too much and how far is too far.

In the meantime, have you taken the MOSAIC test to assess whether you are at risk of domestic violence?

MOSAIC TEST
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« Reply #11 on: July 25, 2021, 12:17:13 AM »

Thanks Cat Familiar.

Yes, I believed this has triggered him further (so frustrating that the behaviour is so predictable, yet still so hard when it happens). He is now angry at me, giving me the silent treatment. Before the silent treatment, he berated me for "walking in the middle of the staircase" as he attempted to barge past me and knock our shoulders together.

I completed the Mosaic test, I got a 6/10.

So what now? I just sit and wait to see if things get worse or better? I don't know if there is much else I can do. I don't feel like leaving is an option right now, but I also don't see myself staying if he gets worse.
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« Reply #12 on: July 25, 2021, 12:31:03 AM »

Time to make a game plan. If you are thinking he could be violent, you need to have a plan. Where could you stay on short notice? Best to keep a go bag somewhere accessible with clothing, cash, essential items, etc. both for you and your children. Many members keep this hidden in the trunk of their car or at their workplace.

 What are the behaviors that give you the most concern? Do you see him ramping up these behaviors or are they at a steady state?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #13 on: July 25, 2021, 12:54:28 AM »

I do worry he can be violent, yes. Mostly, I worry about the rages that he gets into. If he is like this, and I say the "wrong thing" he will physically turn around quite violently and utter a threat of physical violence. It would be incredibly shocking if he did put a hand on me, but I do recognize that his behaviour is unpredictable and that he has been violent in his past. His behaviours seem to be at a steady state in terms of severity, however these behaviours seem to be occurring more and more often.

This evening I sent him a few photos of us with our daughter, and some of our cat and dog. I reminded him that he is very loved. He came into the bedroom this evening to tell me good night, it was kind and genuine.

I have places to stay if it comes to that - I guess from there I would have to make a game plan for a place to live. Our town has extremely low vacancies and rent is incredibly high, so this is a huge stress. Thank you for the advice on a to-go bag. I think this is something that I need to prepare and have in my car. I don't want it to come to this, it would be heartbreaking for our family. More so, it would be heartbreaking for him to lose his family. He would be lost, isolated, and completely alone because of his brain (although he does not see a therapist to help him). I would worry about him inflicting harm onto himself.
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« Reply #14 on: July 25, 2021, 11:14:40 AM »

Is there a way you can leave the house with your children when he rages? Perhaps visit a friend or relative?

Once they get to the point of rage, trying to engage their critical thinking function is nearly a hopeless endeavor. Best to get out of the way and let him return to a neutral state…alone.
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« Reply #15 on: July 25, 2021, 12:10:50 PM »

Yes, typically I will leave or I will ask him to leave if it is inappropriate/inconvenient for me to leave with or without our daughter. I have told him, and stick to, that if he needs to be alone it is not always respectful to expect us to be the ones to leave. I have let our relatives and pertinent others know what is going on, providing details when needed. The unfortunate part is that some do not want me to stay and dont think it’s safe for me. I am hoping his mother will come stay with us, I have offered to buy her a flight and am being persistent in her visiting.

The past two nights he has set up his bed in the living room. Both nights I have told him that he is welcomed in our bed (“it’s not our bed anymore.” “ No, it still is our bed, even if you don’t want to see it that way anymore.”) Each night, he has come to bed around 3:00 am soft hearted and loving.

He was asleep when I left for work today (12 hrs) and I believe he is still sleeping as his phone is off. He is typically a morning person but lately he has been sleeping until 11-12. I feel he has fallen into a deep depression. At times he seems remorseful and angry at himself. He is sad about his situation but does not currently present with the capacity to address it. I am hoping he can have a peaceful day at home alone today.  
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« Reply #16 on: July 25, 2021, 12:19:17 PM »

He has said “there is no coming back from this. I’ll never see you the same way again.” I have seen him like this before, however this negativity has been pervasive throughout the past two weeks. We are not going many days without having some negativity pass between us. It is hard to try to keep cool when it is so pervasive. Again, I’m unsure how to tell what his capabilities are in our relationship. We have always been good communicators and supporters of one another. Lately he has been telling me that I’m not supportive and I am a liar. I told him that my support is not unconditional, and it is dependent upon his treatment of me - if he is calling me names it’s hard for me to know how to be supportive, let alone actually being by his side.

I’ve told him that for now my support will be from afar, that I will continue to be on his side, but give him space and time to figure out what’s going on. When he is ready, I will be here to listen and be by his side. He didn’t believe this, and I think my space has made him feel abandoned. Nonetheless, he does not want me near him the majority of the time and is struggling with everyday things when we are together. So… I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t - there does not feel like there is much that I can do.
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« Reply #17 on: July 25, 2021, 03:23:08 PM »

“I’ll never see you the same way again,” is likely projection, as well as calling you unsupportive. You’re seeing this unpleasant side of him and he’s certainly not being supportive of you.

Yes, people with BPD fear abandonment, but the bad behavior they exhibit makes this almost a certainty.

No there is not much you can do to change him. But you are maintaining good boundaries. It wouldn’t help to *overfunction* and try to be more supportive when he’s being unkind to you. At some point he will make the connection that his behavior is influencing how much contact you’re willing to have with him. In the meantime, hold fast.
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« Reply #18 on: July 26, 2021, 12:02:53 PM »

i apologize if i missed it: what is he wanting to be supported in? what, from his perspective, is there no coming back from?
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« Reply #19 on: July 26, 2021, 06:16:23 PM »

i apologize if i missed it: what is he wanting to be supported in? what, from his perspective, is there no coming back from?

He seems to feel that he has lost my support altogether in our relationship. My interpretation is that I haven't responded with as much understanding, haven't listen as actively, and haven't been as much fun and positive as I usually am (I think this is very true). I have had a few critical incidents at work that have taken a lot out of me. I do recognize that over the past month I have been more tired, irritable, and not as engaged in our family. I have been exhausted. We have had a healthy discussion about this and how it has impacted both of us. We don't often speak about work; I do let him know when something critical has happened with a patient and how it makes me feel, but (and this is something I accept) he admits that he does not have the emotional capability to hear about my patients. He says "you weren't there when I needed you, not like you have always been."

Since Father's Day, he has been having something (I say episode, he says thing) going on and, as stated previously, I have been less engaged. He says he has lost trust in me, but due to my own wellbeing and the behaviours he has exhibited, I could not mentally be "there for him" as I typically am. When I say "there for him," truly I mean I have not been as understanding of small negativities and what they represent in terms of his wellbeing/psychological state.

Just now, he chose to pick up our daughter and go grocery shopping alone. He said he needed some one-on-one time, that's fine and understandable. However, he initially phrased it as "I don't want to be around you." He also told me that he only wants to buy groceries for him and our daughter, wants to do his own laundry, etc. He believes I have only bought groceries for myself the past month (untrue) and haven't contributed to cooking (I am away at work most evenings).

I am recognising that during this time (today) of pushing me away, I want to continue being loving and kind and contributing to our house. I do not mean this in the sense of "if I do x he'll see that he still loves me," but in the sense that my family matters a great deal to me, and if my presence is missed, then I'll be here. I could walk away or withdraw, but that doesn't help anyone. Like I said up above, I haven't been as calm and understanding, I hope to show him that I haven't changed who I am.  

A huge part of this is that I now work full time, when previously I worked very part time.

He believes that there is no coming back from this conflict. So... I think I have to just hang tight, give him time to return to baseline, and put a little extra effort in to show him that I love and care about him.
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« Reply #20 on: July 27, 2021, 12:24:58 AM »

UPDATE: He completely withdrew from our family tonight. The three of us got home at 5:00 pm (me separately) and he told our daughter they were going to the beach. He made it unclear whether or not he wanted to go just the two of them or not (she'd prefer the 3 of us, she is 6), even when I asked him about it. Her and I were playing a game and when he was ready to leave he called her name and she asked me if I was coming, I didn't have an answer. He got upset by this interaction and decided they would not go, which hurt her feelings quite a bit. Her and I  spoke about how she felt right afterwards. The rest of the evening he would not engage with either of us. She hoped to stay home from daycare tomorrow to spend the day with him, he decided that he wanted to be alone. He does not want to be talked to or touched. He has not returned texts to his ex-wife (who is awesome), his mom (also awesome), or answered my calls for 2 days. He sporadically responded to texts from me yesterday.

I went for a run with our dog to give the two of them bedtime story time together, came back in time to send daughter to sleep. He fell asleep right after she did (8 pm), which is not like him. He also had a long nap this afternoon. He told me "the only reason I haven't left you is because I am stuck." It hurts to hear, a lot, but I'm focusing on not taking these statements personally.

I think he is feeling very low, very unloveable, very alone. He told me he hates spending his time alone, but he doesn't feel he can be around anyone. Today my goal was to speak to him only from a positive lens, and I think I reached this goal. It didn't make a difference today in his perspective, but I will continue it on tomorrow, ensuring that I do not cross the line of too much affection or communication.

He has behaved this way in the past, and I know he comes around, but it still hurts just as much each time. These "episodes" fluctuate in length, I don't know when he will be back to baseline. The last one was in May. It was much much worse. It lasted 3 days, and we stayed with family during that time.

Since I called out his name-calling behaviour, it has stopped. I was worried because of the language I used ("it's abusive behaviour, and it makes me feel unsafe;" "you are capable and competent to be better than this, and I know you want to be as well."). He does not like that I used the terms abusive and unsafe (he took it as me calling him abusive and him making me feel unsafe - I made sure to focus on the behaviour, not him), but the behaviour has actually stopped. I have continued to stick to this. He tries to argue me about it, but the conversation ends when I turn the subject of conversation from him back to the behaviour, and remind him that I won't accept it and that he is better than that.
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« Reply #21 on: July 27, 2021, 03:24:39 PM »

UPDATE: we have messaged back in forth. I am hoping that I mate get some advice on our conversation?

HIM (at noon):
I have had a s**t morning. Been in bed. Just getting moving shortly. I don’t care about us right now.
ME:
I know and that’s okay, you have a lot of other things to care about right now. I do care about us though.
HIM:
It’s kind of too late I think. I have no belief that we can make it. I don’t want to physically be close. And I won’t tell you anything about my brain anymore.  You should just hang out with friends and do your thing until I figure something out.
ME:
I understand where you’re coming from and accept that you feel that way right now.
HIM:
We don’t enjoy the same s**t anymore anyway (untrue, but he wants to do things alone)
ME:
I think you have lost me. I was eh you left for good last time. Would have saved all this s**t. (We took a break last November) Now I’m f**ing stuck.
ME:
I’ve not gone anywhere N***. I love you so genuinely and deeply, we did not make a poor choice.
HIM:
I made a poor choice
ME:
That must be hard to feel that way. You have been feeling that way for a while. I don’t want to rush any decisions bc we have been through this before and I don’t want to lose each other.
HIM:
I’ve had almost zero fun and lost all my motivation to do anything. I’ve felt stupid since the day we moved (in May). It never went back to good after that.
ME
I’ve noticed that you’ve lost a lot of interest, it is pretty concerning. Let’s just slow down for now, give you some time and space. I know how much you love me, and I think you don’t want our family to break up. We have a really special thing, and I do hope that you can feel it again.

This is the most concerning part…
HIM:
You’ve made me feel psycho. You’ve made me feel unsafe around you. You used to make me feel safe and special and confident. Not anymore. And I know I am responsible for much of it.  It you promised, just like L** (ex wife)  that you’d be strong enough. You’re not, you’re weak. I hate all you people. Once this is all figured out, I will never make the same mistake and believe someone can tolerate me.
ME:
I know that you have been feeling that way and it all makes sense. How you’re feeling is real, and I accept it.
HIM:
I can’t move out this second. I’ll be moving out right after practicum… or if I get a chunk from taxes. So that’s my plan. Now you know.
ME:
I really don’t want to lose you, you do mean the world to me and I do wake up each day grateful to have you in my life. You mean a lot to me, and you’re not to much. I don’t want to spend my time with other ppl. You deserve to know that you ARE tolerable, you are a good person, and you make a huge difference in M’s and my life. We would not be a family without you.

The conversation ended with “just leave me the f** alone. I did not respond. I hope it’s okay that I posted this here. I have seen others do this and it seems to be really productive.
« Last Edit: July 27, 2021, 03:38:32 PM by jmbl » Logged
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« Reply #22 on: July 27, 2021, 04:38:27 PM »

jmbl it's helpful to see the back and forth conversation. I'm impressed with the composure and calming, loving energy you infused into this exchange.

What's the next step? How are you feeling after all this?
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« Reply #23 on: July 27, 2021, 05:15:33 PM »


What's the next step? How are you feeling after all this?

I feel on edge but I am okay. I don’t want him to complete his taxes anytime soon, that’s for sure. I worry about him making an irrational decision. I worry about the effect it has on our child, she recognizes that he’s angry and she doesn’t understand (how could she).

I don’t know if there is a next step right now, so I guess hanging tight and trying to give him space? I don’t think there is anything else I can do. Leaving would not solve anything (not to say it can’t be the fire he may need).

That being said, if he doesn’t improve I don’t think it’s psychologically safe for us to be with him. I think I need a back up, and I have family and friends I can stay with.

It has been helpful to see other conversations that ppl have had with their significant others. The language used is surprisingly similar and predictable. Blows my mind!
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« Reply #24 on: July 27, 2021, 05:57:27 PM »

What I notice in your attempts to be loving and supportive is that you are invalidating him and presenting your case as to why the relationship should continue. He’s telling you how he feels and you are disagreeing with him…on not making a “poor choice”, on loving you and the family, on not wanting to break up, etc.

He’s telling you how he feels. You tell him you understand, then you tell him he’s wrong and add in how you feel about him.

I know you’re coming from a loving place, trying to understand him when he’s being so difficult, but your communication is not being received the way you intend.

Here’s an article on invalidation. It’s so easy to do and so critical not to do it with a BPD partner. 

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
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« Reply #25 on: July 27, 2021, 06:07:52 PM »

Okay, interesting, I didn’t know it would be interpreted that way. The reasoning behind my responses is to remind him how I feel, as he feels like I am no longer a loving partner. I see that
It would be better to listen and not respond w my perspective. Such a learning curve, I feel like it never ends!
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« Reply #26 on: July 27, 2021, 06:36:37 PM »

What I notice in your attempts to be loving and supportive is that you are invalidating him and presenting your case as to why the relationship should continue. He’s telling you how he feels and you are disagreeing with him…on not making a “poor choice”, on loving you and the family, on not wanting to break up, etc.

He’s telling you how he feels. You tell him you understand, then you tell him he’s wrong and add in how you feel about him.

I know you’re coming from a loving place, trying to understand him when he’s being so difficult, but your communication is not being received the way you intend.

Here’s an article on invalidation. It’s so easy to do and so critical not to do it with a BPD partner. 

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

What would be a better response? Just something like “I understand and accept how you feel?”
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« Reply #27 on: July 27, 2021, 06:51:27 PM »

additionally, well meaning attempts to validate can feel condescending. when they are, people tend to see through it.

some of the examples are well meaning attempts to say nice words, the right thing. "i understand how you feel". "how youre feeling is real and i accept it". "that must be hard to feel that way".

validation works best when you use your natural voice, adult to adult. i frequently see, on twitter these days, a lot of "you are valid" "you have value" "you matter". if someone spoke to me that way, id give them a funny look.

this isnt some vital, shot yourself in the foot type of mistake or anything, just a pointer.

how did this come up? did he just launch into how bad he was feeling?
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« Reply #28 on: July 27, 2021, 07:28:37 PM »

Oh okay… interesting. This is how I actually talk, so it was my natural voice but I wonder if he thought differently? I think he knows how I speak though, I can sometimes be mechanical/clinical in my verbiage.


Yes, he just launched into how he was feeling. It was actually very welcomed, I was glad that he was sharing how he felt, regardless of good or bad, as he hasn’t been talking to me. I called to talk to our daughter (we did), but afterwards he texted me to leave him alone. I needed to see how she was doing, and I am glad I got to FaceTime with her briefly.

I did see some, albeit small, clarity from him in regards to him taking responsibility. Actually, the fact that he launched into how he is feeling is a good sign to me. Still, I worry about his ability to return to baseline after this long.
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« Reply #29 on: July 27, 2021, 08:05:30 PM »

Oh okay… interesting. This is how I actually talk, so it was my natural voice but I wonder if he thought differently? I think he knows how I speak though, I can sometimes be mechanical/clinical in my verbiage.

thats one thing. we all have a language we use, that can vary from person to person, even. the most important thing is that its natural and authentic, or else the other person will feel like we are using a sort of formula on them. Cat's is the more important point.

Excerpt
Actually, the fact that he launched into how he is feeling is a good sign to me. Still, I worry about his ability to return to baseline after this long.

it can be. you do, ideally, want to give him the space to open up and vent, within reason. it gives you more to work with, and it can help in terms of him getting to baseline, and/or with feeling heard.

its really hard to say. does something seem different this time, or does it seem like hes venting? something else?
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