Please help me get some perspective

[thankful person]

I am a married lesbian and my wife has bpd. We have two children who are biologically hers but legally mine too. We have been together for seven years.
We do not have sex at all for quite some time. We have always been mismatched with her sex drive being higher and this somehow helped her steal me from my boyfriend who I had been with for fifteen years. She breast feeds our young baby most of the time, and sleeps with both children in the bed, I am in the spare room with the dog. She says she doesn’t feel desired or wanted, but can’t tell me exactly what she wants from me. I know she wants me to say sexy things but I don’t know what to say or when is a good time. I also used to talk about her body a lot, but she doesn’t like this apparently.
She keeps threatening that our relationship may end because of it, and just sent me this message, as she’s hoping things will change when we move house, but I honestly don’t thinkf I can ever be what she wants, even though I would like to be::
“I really hope things will be different for us starting over. I feel this is our last chance to make a go of things otherwise we should separate as it’s not right. I love you but sex and all that is a massive part of my life and I need it.  I don’t want to live this life the way I am! I am sexually unhappy and I feel I’ve lost something within me and I want it back. IT HURTS SO BAD! I want to be wanted and I don’t feel it.”
Please help with some advice! I have offered to go to counselling with or without her, but she won’t allow it because she thinks we need to sort it out between us and doesn’t want me talking to anyone about her.

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[Jabiru]

Hi I see 3 logical options: She can
a) tell you what she would like,
b) agree to go to counseling with you (preferably someone experienced in BPD), or
c) drop the matter.

I found by experience that it's a losing game to guess what your pwBPD wants. Instead, being direct and literal with words has worked best for me. If you haven't read it, I recommend the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. The book title sounded too good to be true and almost like it would split us apart, but it's actually matured our relationship and we feel more stable than ever. Overall, it helped me to avoid doing things out of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and instead take care of myself first and be more authentic in our relationship by doing things here and there for her because I want to, not because of FOG.

Do you feel controlled by your wife?

[pursuingJoy]

I can hear the urgency in your post, bp.  Jabiru offered some really solid feedback.

I think most parents of young kids can relate to a big change in sex life. It stands out to me that she's sleeping with the kids and you're in the spare room. How did that come to be?

Agree that a therapist with knowledge of BPD would be ideal. If nothing else, would she be open to seeing a sex therapist? They may be able to lay out the options for you.

[once removed]

mismatched sex drives are one of the biggest issues in any romantic relationship. there is virtually always some mismatch. some couples are more easily able to work around it, some arent.

with bpd, its important to know that there is a greater sensitivity for perceived slights or rejection. on top of that, there may be a lot of self loathing and/or low self esteem. some of these feelings may be frustration in your sexual relationship, some of them may have to do more with her.

without knowing your wife, and without her offering much, its very hard to say what specifically shes after. what may help is looking at it from an emotional connection stand point more than just physical sex. are there things that might make her feel wanted or desired; nurturing sort of stuff? are there sexy sort of activities, like sending flirty texts or pictures? whatever it is, one or both partners often need that strong emotional connection as a gateway, more than just saying or doing the right things sexually.

[thankful person]

Thanks I will certainly check out the book. Yes I do feel very controlled by my wife. I’d love things to change and I’m working on slowly standing up for myself but it doesn’t always go so well.
I first moved into the spare room because my wife was always uncomfortable and said I fidget too much and disturb her. She used to come visit me when baby was asleep, but now there are two babies and it’s just not possible.
I do try to make her feel loved and desired but it’s hard as there are many rules like I can’t just grab her and hug or kiss her..

[babyducks]

, and sleeps with both children in the bed, I am in the spare room with the dog.

She says she doesn’t feel desired or wanted, but can’t tell me exactly what she wants from me.

hmmmm I am not crazy about this dynamic.   she is with your children and you are with the dog.    doesn't sound very equitable to me.    how do you feel about it?

I would suggest this limits the opportunities for intimacy quite a lot.     what do you and your wife do to build moments of romantic intimacy?    any date nights?   evenings out?    special moments alone?

'ducks