Curious benefits/silver linings of your last relationship?

[Sappho11]

Were there any? What were they? Did you end up learning something about yourself or about the world, perhaps?

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Sometimes I get intensely sad, even to the point of complete despair and suicidal ideation, but only for a day or so, and I feel physically exhausted for a few days after. I always pull myself out of it, and it only happens every two or three months, so I just shifted my life around these "off days" when necessary. For most of my life, I thought my biographical loneliness was the cause, and it was just an odd kind of depression, but some things just didn't fit into the equation: such as that during the first lockdown, I was happier than I had ever been, and I didn't feel lonely at all despite not seeing anyone for weeks.

During my last relationship, these "off days" increased both in frequency and intensity. The first time my ex's mask slipped during the first of these occasions, when I tried to lean on him (as he'd told me too in the lovebombing stage) and he treated me with utter contempt and disgust. "How often do you have these attacks? Do you keep a record of them? Can't your best friend come over? You should see a psychiatrist."

The "off days" got even worse after the first discard and recycle. And now my ex was regularly telling me: "You need to see a psychologist. You have so much past trauma and there's something wrong with you." I did have a rough upbringing, but I also felt that I'd dealt with everything well, so I was reluctant.

After he discarded me the second time in May, I thought "Maybe there IS something wrong with me" and went to see a therapist. I told her my whole life story and also talked a lot about the last relationship.

Now, after a few months of therapy, my therapist said she'd be hard-pressed to diagnose anything, because I appear to be healthy and cope well with adversity. That was a relief for one. She also told me that I'm a highly-sensitive person (HSP), and thus more susceptible to sensory overload.

After I had told her my entire biography, we suddenly connected the dots. I know from a neurological study I once took part in that my brain processes auditory input in a more complex fashion that other people's, and I've suffered from atypical migraines (no pain, just the dizziness, confusion and exhaustion, sometimes with an aura) since my adolescence. So it turned out: Those rare "off days" are not bouts of depression, they are atypical migraine attacks – triggered by stressors such as relationship strain (don't we all know this one too well) as well as sensory overload, especially prolonged noise. Sleep deprivation, too, makes it worse.

After the breakup, I started wearing noise-cancelling headphones almost all day, and when at my job (I'm a classical musician) I wear special ear plugs that dial down the volume of everything around me. I noticed an immediate lift in mood and increase in energy.

About two weeks ago, I felt an "off day" coming on (suddenly felt like crying for no reason, extremely tired, etc.), so I took an ibuprofen and laid down. Within the hour, my mood was back to normal and cheerful. This happened again a (stressful) week later: same thing, ibuprofen and brief rest, and I was back to normal within an hour instead of sinking into bottomless pit of despair for days.

tl;dr After more than three decades on this planet, my ex-boyfriend's insinuation that I was "crazy" and needed to "see someone about it" actually helped uncover that what I thought was persistent depression brought on by innate, crippling loneliness was in fact nothing but a series of atypical migraine attacks, which can easily be mitigated.

I can't describe the magnitude with which my outlook on life has improved as a result. Those "off days" were so convincing that I used to think my "good months" were just me distracting myself from an insoluble biographical problem. Now I know that my "off days" are the exception, and that they are in fact just the migraine bashing an exhausted physique.

If I ever see my ex again, I'm not sure whether to give him the finger for the abuse he put me through, or whether to thank him that his toxic behaviour has actually freed me from the greatest burden on my mental health.

[Calli]

That is so amazing, Sappho!  I also suffer from migraines - the usual ones with pain and auras, but I’d never thought that episodes of lowness like you describe could be atypical migraine, but it makes so much sense - why not?  How fascinating - and you might never have come to this point were it not for your painful situation with the Ex.   I’m glad he was useful for something! 

So in my case, there were positives from my relationship - I wouldn’t have stayed for almost 2.5 years if not.  But one major thing is that he was the one who encouraged me to see a therapist (again).   So now, because of him I’m in therapy, making some good improvements in my mental health and discovering some interesting things about myself. 

  On his good days, my ex was very pro- therapy (sounds like he had an amazing therapist from what he described to me), and in many ways he was recovering from his BPD with her help.   When he started encouraging me to go back to a therapist (I had been off and on a little before we met), he made me understand that therapy is the process and not something that I would just be in for a time or two and be “cured” or “fixed” - it’s about learning about myself and it’s a lifelong thing in some ways. 

 However, on his bad days, my ex would rail against his own therapist, threaten to leave her, (sounds like she would be in tears as he yelled at her)  and everyone who loved him (ahem. Yup, he used abandonment and the silent treatment as weapons against everyone in his family and friend network). 

So, I’m grateful that he helped me overcome my hesitancy about  trying therapy again, and changed my frame of thinking about the whole process. 

Thanks for this great question!  I hope more will chime in with their stories. Again, yours is so amazing, I’m so glad for you!

[B53]

When my ex started therapy, she told him that therapist’s who treat people with BPD go to therapy themselves to counteract what they are exposed to. That tells you right there, that they can take down the strongest of people.

I also get migraines, both kinds.I also rate high on the HSD chart. I take medication for my migraines Next time I get that overwhelming experience of sadness, I’ll give it a thought. Thanks!

[ILMBPDC]

When my BPD-ex dumped me back in February, my reaction was so over the top compared to the length of time we had been together (6ish weeks? Not counting the 11 months we texted before getting together, though I felt like that is when I fell in love with him...but I digress) that I knew I needed to address a previous relationship (with a sociopath con man) and was diagnosed with PTSD.

I've spent the last 6 months working on my trauma, including PTSD, depression and an attachment disorder (from childhood neglect)- I know I have a long way to go, but I'm doing it. Without my BPD ex I would probably still be walking around with my head in the sand avoiding dealing with everything.

I hadn't dated in nearly 10 years because of the con man, opening myself up to Mr BPD allowed me to start the process of healing. Without his aggressive love-bombing at the beginning I don't think I would have opened up enough to deal with it all. It's hard to explain, but I was so closed off and unwilling to allow anyone in before him... So yeah, even though it was tough and heartbreaking I believe in the long run I'm going to be so much better off.

[Turkish]

My mother had BPD (and other things), and was a hoarder. My mom made us homeless and quasi-homeless from when I was 12 until 17. I moved out on my 18th birthday and had a nomad mentality, and didn't keep good house.

Though my ex would still disagree, I'm a lot better, and feel a sense of permanence like my home is now my home. About 15 years ago, a buddy visited my studio apartment, looked around and said, "you could just pack everything up on your truck and be gone, eh?" He was kind of making fun of me, but yes, that's how I was.