Dealing with realizations

[Calli]

Howdy friends,

It’s been a little bit since I’ve posted - I’ve been doing pretty well, all things considered.  This site and the boards have been so helpful as I recover from the split with my ex with BPD.   I’ve found peace and calm most of the time, and things are much more level now that he is not in my life.  It’s been a good reminder of how things should be; the emotional rollercoaster he had me on is not normal.  So, I’m grateful and lucky I got out when I could.  Of course, there are times when it is still hard.  I miss him - the dream of him, truthfully.  And there are moments of anger - quite a bit.  So angry that he did or didn’t do things, etc., what he let happen, what I let happen, regrets.  Wondering what I could have done (I know this is not true - I did my best)

Today, I’m finding it hard to deal with the realization that he is not who he presented himself as.  He played a role to hook me. And I feel deep for a dream.  The lovebombing, the pretending to be interested in things I loved, the chameleon.  It’s hard.  Who was he?  All a fake dream, all a lie.  His enmeshment, and then withdrawal when the devaluing stage began.  How could he?  How can someone be so damaged?   And now, how can he have cruelty in his heart that I never saw?

But then I remember, it’s over.  He can’t hurt me anymore.  I got out when I could, and I am thankful I am healthy and well.  I wish him peace and wellness too. 

Thanks for listening.  Some days are up and some days are harder.  But overall I’m doing so much better than I was.  Does anyone relate to this cruel realization?   How did you come to terms with it, and move on from it?  (I recognize I’m embarrassed I fell for it and let it consume me so long).

[Sappho11]

I'm currently at the same stage as you, coming to terms with the fact that the man I fell in love with didn't really exist: he carefully acted in a way that was exactly right for me in order to hook me and reel me in. He spent months, if not years, gathering data on how to do it best.

I'd known him for two years before we got involved and NEVER thought he would be the sort to be capable of such things. He was always so sweet, tender-hearted, caring, empathetic... I thought. It was all an act.

In hindsight, the red flags stare me in the face. The more I read about covert narcissism, the more I understand the mechanisms behind a relationship which, at the time, seemed utterly bizarre, illogical and disorienting, and which shook me to the core.

Here's the thing though. Realising that this ideal partner, this "soulmate" never really existed actually helps me detach. I haven't lost the love of my life; I've lost a mere flight of fancy, sort of like waking up from a dream. And just like a sleeper who rises in the morning, I might have some fondness and even fleeting nostalgia for the pleasant parts of the dream, but they're absorbed quickly enough by a more present, steadfast reality.

Sometimes I read the Bettering board and count my blessings that I was dumped (for good) after eight months of this rollercoaster. I would certainly have married that man and had children with him; and since I'm not one to quit easily, it's likely I'd have wasted at least a decade or two of my life on being chained, codependent and profoundly miserable.

I do still get lonely occasionally, and I wish I had someone special with whom to enjoy life, but being lonely on my own, and having my own personality, EASILY beats being lonely with my ex while feeling I have no life beyond him.

[Calli]

Hi Sappho,
Thanks for your reply, and I’m sorry you are going through this too.   Yeah, I feel very similarly thinking back on my relationship with my ex.   It’s clear now he manipulated, and presented himself as someone he perceived I would want, romanced me, seduced, pressured, guilt-tripped, controlling at the worst times.  Mental and emotional abuse, and I know it was the perfect recipe for developing a trauma bond with him. 

I had tried to call things off before, he almost pleaded at times when I did - asking forgiveness, claiming he was “taking responsibility”, wanting to “learn from this and begin again” (such sweet words, designed to fool one into believing he was working on himself, bettering himself, doing the work) ….and my gut was trying to tell me not to fall, not to give in.  He would be lovely to me again, and then over time things would drop back and deteriorate again.  I do blame him. 

I can see the red flags so much now.  He even said, when we were first starting, “I do lie, so be careful.  I’ve talked about it with my therapist.   It’s something everybody does…”.  (He was even warning me himself, jeez).

 I suppose I never did forget these red flags - they were always things I noted.   And eventually I did finally end things.  So I’m glad I didn’t waste any more time.  Like you say, I could have seen myself marrying him, anything for him - at times.   

I love your point about the good that this realization brings - I didn’t lose my soul mate.  (He very much felt like my soul mate, yet I know there’s no such thing). The manI thought he was doesn’t exist, is not real - is just a dream - that I am waking up from.  I want reality.  I am so glad this realization brings with it that gift - that now it will be easier to detach. 

Thank you for sharing your story and insights, Sappho, it is so helpful.

[Sappho11]

Calli, props to you for walking away with your head held high. Someone who has the self-esteem and inner strength to do that, also has the strength to get over this ordeal. 

Here's something that perhaps might help you, too. Ask yourself, "Did my ex ever say anything about me as a human being?"

 In the past weeks I've been reflecting on the conversations my ex and I had, especially on the tender things he told me. And now, when looking at it in hindsight, I'm hard-pressed to find anything in his words that was about me, even when he was lovebombing me. It was always about him. "You give me feelings I didn't know I had", "[My last girlfriend] knows me inside and out, but you understand me", "I never thought I'd be lying in bed with you like this", "It's such an ego boost to be out with you", "You give the best compliments/gifts" etc.

Shortly before he broke up with me for good, I asked him what it was that he liked about me. His response, after struggling for thoughts: "Your sincere interest in other people; your fragility; your warmth." (NB. I'm actually misanthropic, resolute and rather reserved.)

He only ever said "I love you" to win me over or to gloss over some boundary violation, and I felt very soon that he didn't really grasp the meaning of these words.

It was so difficult to catch on to any of this because he labelled himself an "empath" and was one of the most emotional men I'd ever known... and the hypersensitive, controlling despot he often presented as just didn't fit into the years-long picture I'd had of him.

What I'm trying to say is, if you can do a bit of digging into the things your ex told you (journal entries or e-mails from the time can be particularly helpful), you might find that it was never about you. And in a way, isn't that a relief? And isn't it a relief to be away from this...?

[B53]

WOW, I came to that exact conclusion! I have questioned for a long time if he ever really loved me, was he capable of love? I have gone NC for five months and I’m still getting emails, I don’t read and delete. When you receive an email, you can still read part of the first sentence before you delete it. They all are about him, what he is going through ( you must read this, my story, you must think I am pathetic. On and on), nothing about his concern for me. If he really loved me, he would realize the he!, he put me through and love me enough to let me go, want me to be happy. What I have always thought is that he wasn’t the perfect person, he was mirroring me. All the great wonderful things are part of our personality, not theirs. They don’t really have a personality. We can find happiness with someone else, because after all, we were the great ones to begin with. LOL
.

[Cromwell]

Hi there Calli

Its okay to miss him, or the dream (or both)

It sounds like you went through a bit of a shock here.

It was for me, and I made my conclusions at the time to try and make sense of it all.

its okay, it will pass. very well done on how far you have progressed already. It will work itself out.

Crom

[IntoTheWind]

The biggest realization for me was that the bait she was dangling in front of me were presented as promises that would fill a void that's been with my my entire life with roots from my family and upbringing. The relationship was actually just me pouring codependent love into someone with the idea of "if only I can get past this, I'll get everything that I want, she will love me and it'll be perfect".

I wasn't even in love with her really, I was in love with my own codependent delusions and was sacrificing my own sanity to "trap" this borderline into a relationship with me. She is incapable of love, only childlike infatuation. I should've realized this earlier but like a lion chasing a gazelle I was fixated on getting what I wanted to fill my own narcissistic needs. A non-codependent would've realized something was badly wrong and exited earlier. I used the red flags to pole vault into a radioactive wasteland. When all of this clicked I actually laughed out loud and realized that I am equally as bonkers as she is.

One of the best questions to ask yourself is "How did I end up in a relationship like this in the first place?", I couldn't see the importance of this whilst I was in the FOG post-breakup, because I was addicted to getting my fix of a perfect love and deep in the belief that things were my fault - now I see how this question is at the root of everything.

[Calli]

Sappho, Cromwell, IntotheWind, B53 - thank you so much for sharing your experiences.   It strikes me how similar they are in many ways to mine.  The idea that my ex with BPD was not what he was presenting to me, that realization sometimes can be very painful emotionally.  In your replies I also appreciate the validation that it’s ok to miss him and feel these things too.  Both feelings really can and do coexist (along with many other feelings).  

Also, Sappho’s point that a BPD person’s  compliments are often really centered on himself (I.e. “you make me feel great”) sounds familiar to me as well.  It’s true that many times his compliments were like this.  (Although not always - I do remember genuine compliments about me when he did step outside of himself and his inner world.  Magical times, sigh).  

But his focus on himself and his own world and how things affected him were almost always all he could deal with.  If I started to share analogous things about myself and my own world, he sometimes got angry and impatient.  So, it was often his show, and I was ok with that for a long time.  Probably would have continued being ok with it had I not finally woken up to the real issues happening.  I deserve reality.  I am glad I know it.

Things are getting better bit by bit for me.  Some days are more difficult than others.   But the stability and levelness that exists in my life now that I don’t have contact with him is so peacefull.  It’s so nice to be off the rollercoaster.

[B1987]

But his focus on himself and his own world and how things affected him were almost always all he could deal with.  If I started to share analogous things about myself and my own world, he sometimes got angry and impatient. 

My ex did not like this either. 90% of our interactions were about her - what she had been doing, who she had fallen out with, what her next impulsive pursuit was etc. Whenever I talked about myself or shared a funny anecdote from my day that I thought she would like, she would often seem disinterested or even twist it around to turn things negative.

One time I told her about a job I'd been assigned to at work which I really enjoyed, she started questioning me about how many women I was working with and pretty much accused me of cheating!

[ILMBPDC]

The biggest realization for me was that the bait she was dangling in front of me were presented as promises that would fill a void that's been with my my entire life with roots from my family and upbringing. The relationship was actually just me pouring codependent love into someone with the idea of "if only I can get past this, I'll get everything that I want, she will love me and it'll be perfect".

I wasn't even in love with her really, I was in love with my own codependent delusions and was sacrificing my own sanity to "trap" this borderline into a relationship with me.

Holy cow, this is almost exactly what I've realized as well. I apparently have a major codependent desire to be needed, to be useful and if not to "fix" someone exactly, but to be their rock in their hard times. That somehow we will get through the hard times and everything will be a fairy tale, like a reward.

The feelings of love I had were real but I'm still trying to figure out if what I loved was him or if it was the hope of what we could become. I do know he is not all bad, he is truly hurting. And that there are aspects of him that I found very attractive, but I also know that not all of those aspects are even really him. BPD is truly a mindf**k.