For a minute I wanted to tell her that I am sorry and I should have let her go a long time ago to find her happiness because I know her happiness is not with me.
Before you do, think about what this reveals to you about what you think about yourself, your self worth, and what writing this will do to your self esteem. You are the one who has been abused, yet you are the one apologising? That will deeply affect you later, and you will regret giving that power to her as you have basically said "I deserve your abuse. I am the bad one" despite knowing deep down that truth is the exact opposite.
She was upset about it and I came to realize that talking to my ex wife about it was not a good idea and very upsetting for my ex BPD so I stopped.
I'd contest this. If your ex wife is a friend and an avenue for emotional support, it's not surprising that you're exwBPD would seek to shame you. Ex wife = chance for you to find out that your exwBPD's behaviour is abusive. Thus, your ex wife is a huge threat to your exwBPD's control over you.
she blames me for any bad relationship between her and my ex-wife or her and my son
She blames you for "ruining" others' perception of her, simply because you are telling others how she is treating you (in an abusive way). Rather than change her behaviour, she wants to stop you from telling people the truth. Red flag.
She was then upset believing that he wanted me to meet the girlfriend but not her. I tried to tell her that I thought she didn't want to meet her and I'm sure he felt the same way. That just angered her more. A few days later when talking about it she told me that he came in the bedroom and looked at her and then said he was taking his girlfriend home and wanted me to meet her before he did. I told her that's not what happened. I'd met his girlfriend before she got there. She got furious telling me I was trying to protect my son and then she wanted to go home. She told me she wasn't abandoning me and then she left. I didn't talk to her after that and then I seen her with the other guy 5 days later.
Disgusting and deeply narcissistic behaviour. Your son bringing his first girlfriend over should be a joyous occasion, and how dare she steal that from him by causing him any sort of shame. This one is truly hurtful to read. These are moments your son will never get back. How dare she.
Like on a subconscious level she was reenacting something that happened to her when she was five? What do you guys think?
BPD is created by far more than sexual abuse. It is also highly correlated with emotional neglect. You being in control of her may express to her that she is loved, and you are protecting her and, thus, won't leave her. You are also playing the male authority figure (perhaps her Dad wasn't there for her). If she has told you she wasn't sexually abused, she almost certainly wasn't.
My ex-wife and I have been divorced since 2005 and have no interest in a relationship. We are just friends.
She is emotional support. I am writing all these as I write, btw, so there shouldn't be too much hindsight bias, haha. But this paragraph harkens back to what I wrote above about her wanting to remove support systems from you because they are capable of revealing her abuse to you.
It wouldn't matter if your support system was your ex wife, best friend, or loyal canine companion. If it is capable of revealing her nature to you, or of redirecting your attention from her, it'll be attacked and you'll be shamed for it. BPD is a deeply narcissitic condition, it just arises from a slightly different place than NPD. At the core of the disorder is a child who didn't receive the love and attention they needed and deserved. Thus they are always searching for that ideal attachment that erases that pain. It never works.
If you want to learn more about that, I highly recommend you watch videos from John Gunderson. The bloke was a professor of psychiatry at Harvard and is known as one of the pioneers of BPD research. He knows what he was talking about.
Eventually they were a couple, having sex, and she yelled out for him to marry her during sex.
There you go. You are being manipulated. You are expected to make sacrifices that she herself would never make. It's narcissistic and it works on people who are highly sensitive to shame and always think they are at fault (which I perceive you may apply to you).
Still I'm feeling like a hypocrite. What do you guys think?
No, you are not a hypocrite. Do you want to have sex with your ex wife? Do you use her as a back up, or as a tool to hurt your exwBPD partner? Then what you are doing is not at all the same as what your exwBPD is doing.
All interesting questions, Carguy. Sorry for tough love, I am very to the point in everything I do and people sometimes interpret it as judgemental (it's certainly not coming from that place).
All in all, this sounds like you are allowing and excusing abuse, perhaps because you don't truly believe you deserve any better. Your self esteem sounds like it is extremely low, and you really believe SHE deserves better and that you CANNOT make anyone truly happy as you aren't enough (all lies built on a faulty self narrative, btw). I also perceive, perhaps wrongly, that you believe you currently don't deserve love, but are pining for this woman to return to you in order to prove your self worth and to re-establish you are good.
Non of that is meant to be condemning or judgemental. If it's true, it's extremely common among those who have been abused. These false self narratives are why many of us stay for as long as we do, while others escape straight away!
What do you think?
