Furniture fight and potential SIL with bpd traits

[utnapishtim428]

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted in this room before… mostly have posted about my ubpdxw in the other forums. I thought I would post about another person in my life that at least has some bpd traits- my girlfriend’s sister, I’ll call her Ashley.

There usually is some kind of drama when Ashley is involved and everything sort of has to happen on her terms. Today’s events provide a good example. My gf and I met up with Ashley and her fiancé for brunch, which was fine. Then Ashley and my gf started talking about going furniture shopping. I had a lot of work I needed to do today, but I thought looking at some furniture and maybe buying a couple of small pieces wouldn’t hurt. Ashley’s fiancé has a truck so we were dependent on that to drive any of the furniture home (her fiancé didn’t come with us furniture shopping, we just borrowed his truck)… we ended up buying a tv stand and a mirror. I did not intend to spend hours moving furniture around today and figured we could set the new stuff aside and sort that out next weekend.

Once we got home, Ashley was pretty insistent that we needed to rearrange our living room furniture. I said I’d rather we plan it out and set aside a specific weekend to get it done. Her response was: “I’m going out of town next weekend and the weekend after that. So we need to do it now since you won’t do it yourselves.” She also threw in a dig at my gf after my gf said we should wait on rearranging the furniture: Ashley owns a peleton that my gf uses sometimes and Ashley stated “well you can forget about using the peleton today if we don’t rearrange the living room today. No fun for me = no fun for you!” Stuff like that is so childish and it makes me angry that my gf gets treated that way.

I always have a hard time navigating the relationship with Ashley because I feel like I would be “butting-in” on a relationship between two sisters. But at the same time, I’m dying to set some boundaries… I don’t need anyone telling me when/how to decorate my own house.

After all this went down and Ashley had left, both my gf and I were pretty stressed out… there is a lot more housework left to do now. I comforted my gf but I also discussed my concerns and told her I don’t want Ashley helping to decorate our house anymore. I also told her that in the future, if I’m not consulted about plans, I’ll decline them and that I will be assertive with Ashley in the future.

I figure I can’t really decide how my gf chooses to deal with the situation, but when it negatively impacts me, I have to step in.

Any advice or similar experiences out there?

[pursuingJoy]

I comforted my gf but I also discussed my concerns and told her I don’t want Ashley helping to decorate our house anymore. I also told her that in the future, if I’m not consulted about plans, I’ll decline them and that I will be assertive with Ashley in the future.

I figure I can’t really decide how my gf chooses to deal with the situation, but when it negatively impacts me, I have to step in.

Sounds like you're doing well so far. When you're sharing concerns, stick to "I" statements and avoid being critical of 'Ashley.' That usually leads to the loved one getting defensive of their family member.

I had to come to terms that my H and his BPD mother will always want to feel close. The more I tried to convince him that their relationship was unhealthy, the more damage I caused. I eventually learned to quit convincing him to see it differently.

Set boundaries for yourself and give your gf the space to set her own boundaries if and when she's ready. Their relationship has been this way for many years so your gf will understandably feel more conflicted than you do.

You're in a great position to influence better boundary setting but it will likely be most effective to model it. Check out the info we have here on triangulation, it was probably the most helpful tool to help me find balance as I navigated my husband's relationship with his mom.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

[Notwendy]

Please read about the Karpman triangle. The patterns between Ashley and your GF are long standing. Be careful to not take on the Persecutor role in this pattern. Yes, still have boundaries but also realize that for your GF - a long standing pattern takes time to change. She needs to learn to set her own boundaries. I can be done but she has to be the one to feel she can do it.

Also please don't penalize your GF for this. These patterns are formed early on. In a family with a disordered parent, the children learn to compensate. One of my childhood fears is that people would not like me because of my BPD mother- she would blame me for her issues. I was so afraid people would reject me and not love me. I became a people pleaser.

I had to work on co-dependent patterns. However, I am not like my mother- I don't have BPD. It's not destiny that your GF will be like her sister- you probably know that already. Knowing how I felt, I hoped people would see me for who I am and like me for who I am.

On the other hand, if this is not tolerable for you, consider the long term of that. Marrying someone -hoping they will change usually doesn't work. If your GF is aligned with you and the two of you can work together to have boundaries with Ashley, great. It's a work in progress. If looks like you would be marrying Ashley too, something to work out -perhaps some counseling with you and your GF to assess the situation, see if it's workable or not.