Dealing with my dad...

[Dogsfordayz]

Hey y'all! New to the group... I have been struggling with my dad and his diagnosis since I was a kid. And I thankfully have figured out the game and the rules (27 years later) but I don't know how to have a relationship with him without major boundaries that he pushes wayyyy to much for my comfort. Anyone else feel this way? Or deal with a similar issue?

[beatricex]

hi Dogsfordayz,
Welcome.  Can you give an example of a boundary that your Dad likes to push?

With my BPD Mom, the major boundary violation is that she contacts people I know behind my back, then tries to sway them against me.  I really don't know why she does this or what's in it for her, but I always get the feeling she's talking about me behind my back, and not in a good way.  Enough people have reached out to me that I know this to be true, I'm not just being paranoid.

I want her to stop, but saying "STOP!" seems like it would just cause her to do it more.  I understand she does it because of the turmoil going on in her mind, but it's unfair to me and causes me to really distance myself.  It's also crazy making because sometimes I'm a horrible daughter and sometimes I'm great, and she tells people both stories.  I'm sure they're confused a lot.  When just talking with her friends, pretty sure she just says "my daughter" though and since she has 3 they're never really sure which one she's referring to. 

My Mom's best friend of about a decade contacted me through facebook after they had a falling out and said something like "I don't know why your mother always said such horrible things about you because I always found you to be a lovely and kind person."

It's just disheartning to have someone constantly judging, and because it's my Mom it's doubly hurtful since by definition, Mom's are supposed to be a "ride or die" kind that always "has your back," you know, like even serial killer's have moms who are like "oh, my child would Never do that!"  Not my mom.

b

[Notwendy]

Mine too Beatricex-

I know my mother does that as she also did it with my in laws and they told me about it. On the rare occasion I see her FOO, I am very uncomfortable because I know she's influenced what they think about me. They mostly "know me" through what she tells them about me, and according to what my in laws have said, they either think I'm a nut case or the worst child on the planet.

How they don't have a clue about her astounds me. She does hold it together when she's with them and doesn't share any persona business. She has a very impressive public persona.

The sad part is that, I do like some of her FOO- the relatives that are around my age would be fun to get together with. But she's basically ruined any chance of us being true friends. I don't trust them as their loyalty is to her, and her lies about me have made it impossible for them to know the real me.