Should I leave

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’ve been married to a very stubborn, always has to have is own way, pouting husband for 47yrs. I love him and 85% we have a great relationship. I’ve learned to deal with this , at least I thought I had.  Recently our son, daughter in law, and grandkidswere here for an extended visit  However, after 4 days my husband got into one of his moods and sulked and snipped at everyone. He got after me and I started to cry. That was the beginning of the end. They pack up and left town in a hurry. They want us to divorce for they don’t want to have us in their life. I am devastated at the thought of loosing my grandkids. I’ve started to see a therapist. What I thought was an annoying personality is most likely BPD.  I learning how to cope with that but I can’t get him to therapy. But I’ve learned some things and I see he’s understanding. I’ve also come to the realization that how I react to him makes me an enabler for his behavior. I’ve explained this to the kids but they don’t  want to have anything to do with us until dad is “cured”. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic told me that’s not helpful. He couldn’t have stayed sober if not for the support of the family.  I’m so depressed and conflicted. Can I live a double life as a wife and another as a mom and grandmother without him

[gypsyJedi]

I’ve been married to a very stubborn, always has to have is own way, pouting husband for 47yrs. I love him and 85% we have a great relationship. I’ve learned to deal with this , at least I thought I had.  Recently our son, daughter in law, and grandkidswere here for an extended visit  However, after 4 days my husband got into one of his moods and sulked and snipped at everyone. He got after me and I started to cry. That was the beginning of the end. They pack up and left town in a hurry. They want us to divorce for they don’t want to have us in their life. I am devastated at the thought of loosing my grandkids. I’ve started to see a therapist. What I thought was an annoying personality is most likely BPD.  I learning how to cope with that but I can’t get him to therapy. But I’ve learned some things and I see he’s understanding. I’ve also come to the realization that how I react to him makes me an enabler for his behavior. I’ve explained this to the kids but they don’t  want to have anything to do with us until dad is “cured”. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic told me that’s not helpful. He couldn’t have stayed sober if not for the support of the family.  I’m so depressed and conflicted. Can I live a double life as a wife and another as a mom and grandmother without him

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

What a hard situation!      I'm so glad you found us AND that you made your first post!

Also a very good thing that you are starting to see a therapist.  Can you tell us more about what you have talked about and realized in therapy?

I'll come back soon to check for a reply.

Best,

FF

[gypsyJedi]

Thanks for your reply. Even though my husband won’t go to the therapist he’s open to hearing what I’ve learned. So I told him  Since we’ve been retired I’ve tip toed around him, never knowing what might set him off. I rarely see friends, I’ve stopped my participating in my old hobbies, I’ve neglected my physical and mental health. I need to heal myself first.  I think he was sincere when he apologized and said he didn’t realize what he was doing. He also told me it bothers him when I hold my feelings in (in an attempt to avoid a confrontation.  I learn we need to socialize with other people, develop a hobby or sport we can do together. After 47 years my H admitted he never felt he had any control in his life.  He grew up in a large military family, his father was very demanding, he was sent away to boarding school. There’s a lot more incidents I could name. He saw that his bossiness and correcting me over the smallest things finally made him feel he was in control. I’m amazed he was able to look inside and see what was going on. However I also set some boundaries and consequences. If he doesn’t keep up on the “assignments “ the therapist recommended and be littles me again he will loose me, our sons, and grandkids
Sorry this is so long, thanks for listening

[formflier]

Hey...no apologies necessary!  Good to hear your story and start to "get to know" you.

I want to assure you we are a group of people that "get it" and have "been there done that" with the acting out behaviors that you have experienced.

I'm especially impressed with your desire to heal yourself first!  How is that going?  What is "the plan"? 

One of the truths that you will begin to understand is that taking your relationship to a better place will come from your leadership.   Especially your emotional leadership.

Best,

FF

[gypsyJedi]

I’m reading stop walking on egg shells. It is a real I opener. I don’t know what you mean by emotional leadership
My H and I have been doing a lot of talking and I thought I had him to the point where he could make a vague apology (because he won’t ever apologize). Like I’m sorry out things turned out, I love you and miss you. But Son 2 wouldn’t respond to my requests to FaceTime. Then son 1 texted again after I told him we had an appointment with a therapist. He ripped into me that dad will never change, you have to leave, why haven’t you left, what’s holding you up. I’m so fed up with all three of them. At my next therapist appointment I’m going to run my plan by him. I’m leaving all of them. I’ll just put my stuff in my suv and hit the road.

[formflier]

So...is it fair to say that you have lots of people around you trying to tell you what to do?

I get the vibe you haven't asked for their opinion..right?

I am curious about how much you share with them.  Perhaps that emboldens them to share opinions.

What would it be like if you just made up your own mind, even if they keep giving you advice.

Best,

FF

[gypsyJedi]

Oh yea, definitely.  My son’s want me to leave. They’re fine with having a relationship with me but they don’t want to be around their dad. They witnessed his tirades over the years but he’s gotten worse the last 5 years or so.  I have made up my mind. I’m 67 and don’t want to leave.  I’ve contributed to the comfortable retirement we have and I’m not going to start over now. So if I spend time with them and the grandkids and he’s not welcome, maybe he’ll agree to some therapy
Thank you for keeping in touch

[Cat Familiar]

That your husband has some awareness of how his behavior has impacted you is a very good thing.

Certainly it’s possible to have a relationship with your sons without including their father.

I encourage you to return to doing things that feed your emotional health: hobbies, seeing friends. If he doesn’t want to participate, that’s his issue, not yours.

The more independence you establish, the more your will nurture your resilience. That makes it easier to keep an upbeat mood even when he’s being grumpy.

Most people with BPD are very hesitant to enter therapy. They carry a burden of shame and self loathing that they’d rather not examine, as it’s too painful.

You ask about being an emotional leader. This article will be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[formflier]

Certainly it’s possible to have a relationship with your sons without including their father.
 

Not only possible...but likely a very healthy thing for you to do.  Especially if you put the words "for now" at th end.

Maybe in a few months you guys will be able to do things together again.  The key is not to force people into situations they aren't ready for.

There is a flip side to that...don't let others force you into things that you are not ready for either...

Best,

FF

[gypsyJedi]

Thank you for the link. I get it now. I need to go back to taking care of myself. Hopefully things will get better

[gypsyJedi]

Hey form flier. I’m loosing my resolve. I’ve gone back to being reserved, and deferring to my H moods. Help

[formflier]

Help me understand what "deferring to my husbands moods" looks like? 

Clarity:  His moods are going to be like the weather...it's unlikely you change them.

So..just like I would never advise you to "defer" to the weather...I also wouldn't advise you to defer to moods.

That doesn't mean you "fight" them either.  It's just part of life..you move along and live your life to the fullest...let him choose to do that..or not.

We are here for you...more details would help.

Best,

FF

[gypsyJedi]

Maybe deferring isn’t the right word I’m nervous when I do something for myself that doesn’t include. Him. Like lunch with friends. I don’t know how he’ll be when I get so I don’t go   Yesterday he brought up the argument with our son that started the latest family disheaveal   I said we all had a part in that and we should just forgive and forget. He still wants an apology from our son and then said I never back him up. He’s been in the basement, sulking, like he has so many times in the past. It just frustrating that we can’t have a discussion with him reverting to childishness

[formflier]

I'm curious...if you stopped discussions when child like behavior showed up...what do you think would happen?

Best,

FF

[gypsyJedi]

Eventually he will just act like nothings wrong and ask me if I want to go breakfast or something like that. In the meantime I’m going about my chores and act normal. It’s frustrating but now I’m mad. I think I’ll write a letter outlining all I’ve done for him the past few years with all his illnesses and I don’t deserve to be treated like this. But knowing he made me mad may be just what he wants

[once removed]

I think I’ll write a letter outlining all I’ve done for him the past few years with all his illnesses and I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

this is unlikely to get you the reaction youre hoping for. think about it. if you received such a letter, how would you respond?

im not suggesting the relationship issues are fair. but if you approach this from a point of who has done more or less for it, youre just going to continue fighting over who has done more or less for it.

I’m nervous when I do something for myself that doesn’t include him

theres a fine line between living in a way that youre not walking on eggshells in your relationship, and going from one extreme to another.

change is a necessary thing for your mental well being, and i would suggest, for the relationships well being. it can also rock the boat; it can be destabilizing.

simply put, dont try to do too much too soon, necessarily.

a lot of experts suggest that while having relationships that are primarily "yours" is a healthy thing, so are having relationships that you have as a couple. do the two of you have friends that are couples that its possible to hang out with? it can be one way to start to shift the dynamic in a way that works for both of you, and meets your needs.

[gypsyJedi]

Thanks Once Removed.  I didn’t leave him a letter and you’re right. This morning we was back to normal. I apologized if he felt I dismissed his feelings. He’s entitled to them, just like I’m entitled to mine. But I added that I’m the one who has stayed with him through all his ailments and injuries, did research on them, and planned meals around his diabetes and gastric reflux and I don’t deserve this behavior. He agreed, and I added when we have a disagreement, after a cooling off period we need to talk about it

I’m so glad I found this forum. I felt like I was the only dealing with someone with this disorder