The most damaging thing about being with my exGFwBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When I look back at the relationship, there was no particular event that really affected or hurt me, I'm pretty good at brushing a lot of the craziest stuff aside because I could tell she wasn't right. The thing that messed with me the most was the constantly trying to "get ahead" of her to "fix" the relationship and get her back to idealization, getting her into that idealization phase meant putting so many of my emotions on hold and living in my "logical brain", I was constantly thinking about her, strategizing my next move, thinking about how to avoid conflict, self talking and essentially becoming a slave to her needs for that next hit of idealization and pure innocent love that a bdp can give when they're "in the mood?".

It's like trading your soul for cotton candy love, once you get it, it's so sweet, but it dissolves in your mouth into nothingness and you need it again.

I think the relationship would've played out the exact same way if I didn't spend any time thinking about it or strategizing. Any "progress" you feel you're making is an illusion. Things that would "snap her out of it" one day wouldn't work the next, there is no rhyme or reason to making it work (at least not with my ex), it's crazymaking. They're already about 98% triggered within themselves to act a particular way, and your actions are the last little nudge to bring out the love or the hate at any moment.

It's only dawned on me a few months out of the r/s. I only had the power to make things worse, not better. At best, you can plug holes in the sinking ship with tissue paper.

All of the living in your own head and thinking about what to do next is a waste of time and probably the most unhealthy part about the r/s. This stays with your long after the it's over, don't fool yourself into believing that this rumination is love, it's not, it's just something you've been trained to over time because you've been trying to fix an unsolvable problem with moving goalposts. Once they've gone, there's nothing you can do to "fix" it but you're still constantly thinking about them, wondering if they'll reach out, what you'll say if they do, dreaming about them and thinking about what "could've been", what "could've been" in reality is a hellish life. I don't remember a time I ever felt comfortable with her, even when she was love bombing me I somehow felt like I was on quicksand but I ignored all of that for the "love".

Just being with her without any traumatic event occurring was enough to make me lose weight and get depression/anxiety, and that is entirely because of a codependent need for cotton candy love from someone proving time and time again that they're incapable of giving it.

[IntoTheWind]

When I look back at the relationship, there was no particular event that really affected or hurt me, I'm pretty good at brushing a lot of the craziest stuff aside because I could tell she wasn't right. The thing that messed with me the most was the constantly trying to "get ahead" of her to "fix" the relationship and get her back to idealization, getting her into that idealization phase meant putting so many of my emotions on hold and living in my "logical brain", I was constantly thinking about her, strategizing my next move, thinking about how to avoid conflict, self talking and essentially becoming a slave to her needs for that next hit of idealization and pure innocent love that a bdp can give when they're "in the mood?".

It's like trading your soul for cotton candy love, once you get it, it's so sweet, but it dissolves in your mouth into nothingness and you need it again.

I think the relationship would've played out the exact same way if I didn't spend any time thinking about it or strategizing. Any "progress" you feel you're making is an illusion. Things that would "snap her out of it" one day wouldn't work the next, there is no rhyme or reason to making it work (at least not with my ex), it's crazymaking. They're already about 98% triggered within themselves to act a particular way, and your actions are the last little nudge to bring out the love or the hate at any moment.

It's only dawned on me a few months out of the r/s. I only had the power to make things worse, not better. At best, you can plug holes in the sinking ship with tissue paper.

All of the living in your own head and thinking about what to do next is a waste of time and probably the most unhealthy part about the r/s. This stays with your long after the it's over, don't fool yourself into believing that this rumination is love, it's not, it's just something you've been trained to over time because you've been trying to fix an unsolvable problem with moving goalposts. Once they've gone, there's nothing you can do to "fix" it but you're still constantly thinking about them, wondering if they'll reach out, what you'll say if they do, dreaming about them and thinking about what "could've been", what "could've been" in reality is a hellish life. I don't remember a time I ever felt comfortable with her, even when she was love bombing me I somehow felt like I was on quicksand but I ignored all of that for the "love".

Just being with her without any traumatic event occurring was enough to make me lose weight and get depression/anxiety, and that is entirely because of a codependent need for cotton candy love from someone proving time and time again that they're incapable of giving it.