recovering after sexual objectification and trust betrayal

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Everybody,

I've read a lot of posts on this forum and they have helped me a lot, so thankyou to others for sharing their experience. I was discarded in such a horrible way that it really shattered me, and even though it's a long story I'd like to share my experience as well. I am scared that if I internalize this experience, it will really damage my ability to ever trust somebody again (seriously), so I'm going to try and write about it. I'm seeing a therapist but I've also found the experience on these forums very validating re: quiet borderlines, that's why I'm sharing. I know you don't know this person but perhaps somebody can chime in.

My ex clearly had quiet borderline. She fits all the traits to a T. Part of the problem, at least for me, is that 3 months into the relarionship, out of the blue, she began to have sex with me in a very aggressive, objectifying way that was instantly scary. I thought it was a joke and then realized it wasn't and yelled at her to stop and pushed her off me. However, the problem for me is that it triggered a past sexual assault, and so I actually 'split' her (I don't have borderline, but a history of sexual trauma, and my therapist explained this as a split) into good and bad, I. e., I convinced myself that I was just triggered and that it wasn't her that did it because she is a completely trustworthy person. That's basically denial as a coping mechanism.

Anyway, after this she became very avoidant and wouldn't see me and wouldn't explain why. I guess she felt a lot of guilt and shame, but she never told me. I told her I didn't like this treatment and broke up with her. Two weeks later I missed her and got back in contact. This is when I really began to notice something was wrong. She was very controlling, and I felt somehow in the background that there was a big power struggle going on. Her words were still very kind, adoring, or whatever, but her actions weren't. Unfortunately I kept trusting her and was also beginning to process past sexual trauma and told her about it. I trusted her with my story, and I feel afterwards this triggered her borderline fear of engulfment so bad she had to sabotage things.

For example, later she told me that *she* was triggered in bed that same night that she had triggered me, when we apparently had sex afterwards. I don't remember doing this. I feel like she had convinced herself she was the one who was triggered, to not admit her bad behaviour. Seriously, is this really possible (I'm not being naive... I know clinically it is possible, but she is a high functioning, otherwise clear-thinking person, and the idea that she invented a story to get sympathy from me and distract from herself is downright scary to me.)

She wouldnt talk to me about this triggering event at all and kept finding excuses over two months. One of these excuses was that we should break up and just not talk to each other for months and then be friends. I was disoriented by that but I said fine, okay, but we still need to talk about what happened in bed. The next excuse was something I feel I still can't talk about, becuase it really re-traumatized me in regards to the sexual trauma I was recovering from. Bascially, I feel I trusted her with something from my life she was sympathetic to at the time, and then when she needed a weapon she used it against me in a very cruel way. I was so frustrated and disoriented by all of this I criticized her and she hung up, and then blocked me.

It was the stonewalling/silent treatment, or I was split for criticizing her and became all bad, or whatever happened. To be cut like that in the midst of all these difficult and sensitive topics was like a terrible betrayal for me, like a trauma bond that makes me still dream of her every night. I don't think I gave her that much power over my life, I think she consciously or unconsciously took it for herself concerning an issue that I am already very sensitive and vulnerable. For the record, she also told me she had experienced sexual trauma in the past, and now I have no idea if that was true or just a kind of 'mirroring' for sympathy (I can't believe I'm even saying that, but I have doubts about everything now.) I've wondered if she had comorbid narcissism only because this experience of being left a) when you really need help or b) In a way that makes you feel completely worthless is what people describe as a narcissistic discard. But I think, or hope, that she is capable of feeling empathy.

Eventually, after months of stonewalling and weird double bind communications I put the dots together about her manipulative behaviour and also recovered the proper memory of this attempted sexual assault. And, stupidly, after talking with a friend about it, decided to write her an email calling it sexual assault and telling her she had to talk to me about it. The reply I got was in the form of a legal letter forbidding me from ever talking about sexual assault and painting me as a crazy stalker. I know sending the email wasn't the right thing to do now, but at the time I was feeling such a mix of anger, powerlessness, and hurt at being so badly treated. It's also true I have the right for my experience to be recognized but of course all the signs pointed to her ability to use any means available, even incredibly hurtful ones, to avoid this.

What I'd like to know is if sexual objectification is a borderline trait, or if it's more likely covert narcissism, and if anybody here has had the experience of once they calm down, at some point they will be able to take responsibility for their own actions, or if that is a fools gold I. e. they never look back. For me this legal letter is also somehow proof of her guilt I. e. given stonewalling didn't work, to do anything to scare me and act like the victim herself.

also, if anyone has anything to share about betrayal bonds, nightmares (mixed with longing), re-writing the relationship as not loving but abusive, avoiding Instagram and Spotify accounts (I know, but I sometimes I can't help it) or anything else I'd be very grateful to hear it.

[poppy2]

Hi Everybody,

I've read a lot of posts on this forum and they have helped me a lot, so thankyou to others for sharing their experience. I was discarded in such a horrible way that it really shattered me, and even though it's a long story I'd like to share my experience as well. I am scared that if I internalize this experience, it will really damage my ability to ever trust somebody again (seriously), so I'm going to try and write about it. I'm seeing a therapist but I've also found the experience on these forums very validating re: quiet borderlines, that's why I'm sharing. I know you don't know this person but perhaps somebody can chime in.

My ex clearly had quiet borderline. She fits all the traits to a T. Part of the problem, at least for me, is that 3 months into the relarionship, out of the blue, she began to have sex with me in a very aggressive, objectifying way that was instantly scary. I thought it was a joke and then realized it wasn't and yelled at her to stop and pushed her off me. However, the problem for me is that it triggered a past sexual assault, and so I actually 'split' her (I don't have borderline, but a history of sexual trauma, and my therapist explained this as a split) into good and bad, I. e., I convinced myself that I was just triggered and that it wasn't her that did it because she is a completely trustworthy person. That's basically denial as a coping mechanism.

Anyway, after this she became very avoidant and wouldn't see me and wouldn't explain why. I guess she felt a lot of guilt and shame, but she never told me. I told her I didn't like this treatment and broke up with her. Two weeks later I missed her and got back in contact. This is when I really began to notice something was wrong. She was very controlling, and I felt somehow in the background that there was a big power struggle going on. Her words were still very kind, adoring, or whatever, but her actions weren't. Unfortunately I kept trusting her and was also beginning to process past sexual trauma and told her about it. I trusted her with my story, and I feel afterwards this triggered her borderline fear of engulfment so bad she had to sabotage things.

For example, later she told me that *she* was triggered in bed that same night that she had triggered me, when we apparently had sex afterwards. I don't remember doing this. I feel like she had convinced herself she was the one who was triggered, to not admit her bad behaviour. Seriously, is this really possible (I'm not being naive... I know clinically it is possible, but she is a high functioning, otherwise clear-thinking person, and the idea that she invented a story to get sympathy from me and distract from herself is downright scary to me.)

She wouldnt talk to me about this triggering event at all and kept finding excuses over two months. One of these excuses was that we should break up and just not talk to each other for months and then be friends. I was disoriented by that but I said fine, okay, but we still need to talk about what happened in bed. The next excuse was something I feel I still can't talk about, becuase it really re-traumatized me in regards to the sexual trauma I was recovering from. Bascially, I feel I trusted her with something from my life she was sympathetic to at the time, and then when she needed a weapon she used it against me in a very cruel way. I was so frustrated and disoriented by all of this I criticized her and she hung up, and then blocked me.

It was the stonewalling/silent treatment, or I was split for criticizing her and became all bad, or whatever happened. To be cut like that in the midst of all these difficult and sensitive topics was like a terrible betrayal for me, like a trauma bond that makes me still dream of her every night. I don't think I gave her that much power over my life, I think she consciously or unconsciously took it for herself concerning an issue that I am already very sensitive and vulnerable. For the record, she also told me she had experienced sexual trauma in the past, and now I have no idea if that was true or just a kind of 'mirroring' for sympathy (I can't believe I'm even saying that, but I have doubts about everything now.) I've wondered if she had comorbid narcissism only because this experience of being left a) when you really need help or b) In a way that makes you feel completely worthless is what people describe as a narcissistic discard. But I think, or hope, that she is capable of feeling empathy.

Eventually, after months of stonewalling and weird double bind communications I put the dots together about her manipulative behaviour and also recovered the proper memory of this attempted sexual assault. And, stupidly, after talking with a friend about it, decided to write her an email calling it sexual assault and telling her she had to talk to me about it. The reply I got was in the form of a legal letter forbidding me from ever talking about sexual assault and painting me as a crazy stalker. I know sending the email wasn't the right thing to do now, but at the time I was feeling such a mix of anger, powerlessness, and hurt at being so badly treated. It's also true I have the right for my experience to be recognized but of course all the signs pointed to her ability to use any means available, even incredibly hurtful ones, to avoid this.

What I'd like to know is if sexual objectification is a borderline trait, or if it's more likely covert narcissism, and if anybody here has had the experience of once they calm down, at some point they will be able to take responsibility for their own actions, or if that is a fools gold I. e. they never look back. For me this legal letter is also somehow proof of her guilt I. e. given stonewalling didn't work, to do anything to scare me and act like the victim herself.

also, if anyone has anything to share about betrayal bonds, nightmares (mixed with longing), re-writing the relationship as not loving but abusive, avoiding Instagram and Spotify accounts (I know, but I sometimes I can't help it) or anything else I'd be very grateful to hear it.

[once removed]

I am scared that if I internalize this experience, it will really damage my ability to ever trust somebody again (seriously)

it has that potential.

think of it like a broken bone. it can heal completely, if you take the proper steps. put it in a cast. stay off of it. and when it does, that bone can grow even stronger.

if not, its a wound that can fester, linger, and you can carry into the next relationship, and the next. '

the pain of abandonment is an ancient wound we all carry, one hardwired into us from the time that we emerge from the womb. thats partly why it can have such a profound effect on us.

it is difficult to weigh in on the sexual episode. it is not entirely clear what happened, though it is clear that you both had different attitudes and impressions about it; you wanted to talk about it, she didnt. you dont mention how long the two of you had been together by that point, but that, on top of a two week breakup, are really difficult to recover from.

nightmares (mixed with longing), re-writing the relationship as not loving but abusive, avoiding Instagram and Spotify accounts (I know, but I sometimes I can't help it) or anything else I'd be very grateful to hear it.

i had a lot of painful dreams, and i had a lot of difficulty not looking at social media, which always sent me into a tailspin, even the most innocuous post. it does get better.

[poppy2]

Hi once removed,

Thanks a lot for replying to my post. I found your description of the abandonment wound as a broken bone really touching, thankyou for that.This, as well as a conversation with a friend who has gone through multiple abandonments from a BPD best friend, have been really validating.

I guess the point about the sexual episode is that I was objectified and triggered really badly (also visibly, like having to shout stop it and push her off me and then be unable to move for ten minutes afterwards) and I find it somehow so terrible that she would deny this. Tbh I feel like the reason she wanted to break up and then stop talking to me was really about avoiding this topic in the first place. I could see her face and motivation change so suddenly whenever I tried to bring it up, like I was demanding empathy she didn't have, and (I see now) she kept changing the topic to more serious things in order to disorient me. On the walking on eggshells website they have a great page about objectification that describes the experience really well and why it's so damaging:

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/objectification

I can imagine it's difficult to weigh in on an issue like this, and I have therapy and counselling for that. What really crushed me, though, is her inability to recognize her own behaviour, to apologize for it or explain it. I think it's an example of BPD projection (ie, I must somehow be the 'bad' one as she can't take responsibility), and I wrote my post partly because it has sent me into a huge depression to realize that someone I loved, trusted and admired can be a perpetrator/victimizer and never even acknowledge it. For example, if she had only been willing to speak to me about it, I would have easily forgiven her, as I don't want to believe she is capable of such a thing. The fact that she wouldn't after repeated attempts from me is really suspicious.

I'm trying to think of a similar, reality-denying experience, to express why this feels so hurtful to me... for example, if a PD parent began to comment on their child's weight, over and over, when really they themselves felt conscious of their weight. The child's reality would be totally undermined and disconcerted, in terms that the parent is asserting a certain reality that harms the child a lot but which cannot somehow be 'proven', except with other, externally validating opinions. Do you see what I mean? I wouldn't describe myself as a child, exactly, I just can't believe that someone can do something directly hurtful to others and not acknowledge it, when that person is otherwise high-functioning, sympathetic, feminist, and so on. It kind of beggars belief and it's one reason I had so much trouble to acknowledge the truth of this event when it happened, because it really came out of nowhere, almost as if her mask had come off when she was in a position of power (which is what made me feel she has comorbid narcissism)

It feels really important to me to get to the bottom of this. Like, if someone had screamed stop it and pushed me off them during sex, I would feel shocked, very sorry, and guilty in the sense of wanting to find out what happened. These feelings wouldn't leave me until I had somehow spoken with or processed the event with the other person. Her response after this was to become very avoidant, not talk to me for two months or so (but still with tantalizing offers of holidays or time spent together), and then, after I got fed up with this behaviour, broke up with her, and then later reconnected with her, for her to tell me that *she* was triggered in bed that night. If this is true then I'm sorry for her. But it doesn't at all acknowledge what she did, and places her squarely as the victim. I suppose I really wanted to know from experts or experienced people on this board if they had gone through something similar where a kind of 'crime' was directly pushed onto them, even though the BPD person had done it. It has really messed with my sense of reality, because trust is fundamental to being physically vulnerable with somebody else and that trust - in a good reality, where people talk about issues and try to resolve them - has been severely damaged. Before I went through this I couldn't believe such a cold-hearted thing would be possible, and that's why I wanted to post about it.

[Selfishsally]

Poppy2- I am so sorry you went through this. I really hope you can find some healing through this issue. You are very skilled at giving a clear picture of your situation and letting us try to see it through your eyes.
My story does not contain any sexual viloence as you are describing. I have dealt more with sexual coercion and definite times I have said no but as the berating would get worse I would just give in.
There were times I would make a comment about something he did that I didn't like because basically I was just an object at times. And he always reacted poorly, just turning it around and literally saying I did the exact thing  I had  just said I didn't appreciate from him. It was so frustrating! I am not sure what will happen in the future and I have never talked to him about most of it. I am just learning on my own journey that forgiveness is for my healing and I honestly feel like I can live my life without having that stuff over my head.
You 100% have to acknowledge the hurt and process those feelings. In an ideal world the pwbpd would also take responsibility and validate you, but we all know how that goes. I dont even think you have to justify why it hurts or hurts so much. It wasn't right what happened. I think some questions you can ask yourself is "can I move on if I never get the acknowledment from this person that I was wronged? "
"Am I going to let this person continue to hurt me and do damage to my life?"

[poppy2]

Hi selfishsally,

Thankyou for the compliment. It's hard to be vulnerable about these sorts of things.

I'm really sorry that you experienced sexual coercion. I had read about this, and I think it must be a very disrespectful thing (to say the least, many stronger words could be used) to have to live through. No should always mean no, without any questions asked. And your description of a more 'general' kind of objectification chimes with me... I got discarded (partly) because I finally expressed my frustration at this. I found it so incomprehensible and it really affected me.. reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist has some really good communicative tools in order to protect yourself from being hurt by things like this, do you know that book? I mention it cause it sounds like you are still in contact with this person and it may help you.

re:objectification, It helped me to know that it's because PD ppl are self-absorbed and on some level, or at some times, simply cannot see or feel the consequences of their actions on others as they are completely in their own world. I don't think it led me to a place of forgiveness though.. thats something I'd like to be able to do, but I struggle with it. I know it's not condoning the action but I think staying angry/hurt is basically a kind of self-protection and letting in their humanity (to be able to forgive) feels so challenging, because it's exactly what I felt they denied in me. But as I write that I'm also inspired to try.

Your last paragraph also really moved me. It's special to know that I'm not alone with this experience, and to hear about your experience. Tbh, I don't think I have even fully admitted (or 'let in') that this happened to me.
neither the assault, nor the discard. I don't think I need her acknowledgement to heal myself, but I just find it a horrible world where somebody would deny the consequences of their actions..it hurts my sense of rightness, and also makes me feel like I never knew her at all. Also, your other question is very deep, because it's the memory of them that is hurting me now, and I haven't let that go yet. I would really love to say 'no', and I think when I have recovered more self-respect, I will be able to do it. Thankyou so much for these two questions. I hope very dearly that you're coping and thriving at your point in the journey.

[Selfishsally]

Thank you for the book suggestion. I have heard of it and have watched some youtube videos on it. But, I have not read that one in particular. I had been NC for a few weeks but we are Co parenting at this time. And he is wanting restoration of our marriage and he is going to start therapy in a week. So yeah, any advice is appreciated!

re:objectification, It helped me to know that it's because PD ppl are self-absorbed and on some level, or at some times, simply cannot see or feel the consequences of their actions on others as they are completely in their own world. I don't think it led me to a place of forgiveness though.. thats something I'd like to be able to do, but I struggle with it. I know it's not condoning the action but I think staying angry/hurt is basically a kind of self-protection and letting in their humanity (to be able to forgive) feels so challenging, because it's exactly what I felt they denied in me. But as I write that I'm also inspired to try.

I think what I hear you saying is that you want justice. I don't think that is wrong. But could be something we could get hung up on.

Sometimes I think I am doing great at coping. But, even today I was reminded that I have more to work on and it really takes constant checking of myself. That is why I think it has been so helpful to hear from other people.

[poppy2]

hey,

I can really recommend this book. As I discovered BPD and read this it helped me to make sense of the other person as well as my own role in the drama, but most importantly at the time, since I was hoping to speak to my BPD ex again, it really gave me the tools to communicate and protect myself if that should ever happen (now i see that it won't, and shouldn't). It really is a remarkable book and I can recommend it to anyone who is in dialogue with somebody with a mental illness. It also helps to lower your expectations about what is possible, and what isn't. That's also true for therapy - every situation is different, but I wonder at how long it really takes for someobdy with BPD to stabilize through therapy.. I believe quite a long time. At the same time, it would definitely take a lot of the burden off the partner to know that there is a space for those issues that isn't them. If you'd like to say more about how you feel about the situation, I'd be happy to try and offer advice, or at least a sympathetic ear... although I wonder if the boards about "staying or improving" the relationship might also offer you tools for that.

Thanks, yeah. I am hung up on (in)justice. I think it's a very long journey to try and make meaning out of experiences like this... but the artist in me would like to try.

Happy coping, for today at least (I am still very much in the stage of "one day at a time"/every day is different, but it's slowly stabilizing).

PS I was able to cry for the first time in 3 months yesterday, after thinking about your post / the kindness you showed me. It felt and still feels so much like this experience is locked away inside of me, and recognition about that really helped me to release some of it. So thanks again.

[jaded7]

Poppy2, you write so beautifully and sensitively about this, and I want you to know that it is helpful to me, and I'm sure many others. I realize that this response got long, seemed I needed to process and vent a bit. My apologies, no need to respond to all of this. I just feel your pain of sexual objectification.

As a child I was sexually abused by a priest. This has affected me in many ways, some profoundly. One aspect is that I'm quite careful in being sexual with people. I've not had many sexual partners in my life, and I never had sex until I was 30- I avoided it and kept my guard up.

I've been to a psychiatric hospital for treatment of sexual trauma after a girlfriend who I loved and who's family loved me, and who's children looked at me as a father, called one afternoon to pop over to my place (the first time in 1.5 years of dating she'd done this) and wanted to have sex. The next day she picked me up at work, took me home and broke up with me. I was devastated, she gave no explanation, refused to answer me when I asked why, and then left. That was that.

A couple of days later it struck me that she had used me for sex that day, and knew she was going to break up with me. That's when I spiraled very badly and ended up in the hospital.

That was 2008. I didn't have sex with anyone until my gf that brought me to these boards, whom I started seeing in 2019.

All that is background. When we first met, I told her about the sexual abuse, I told her about the time in the hospital, told her I hadn't had sex with anyone since then. I'm self aware, I grew through the process of ptsd, hospital, etc. I'm very empathic and kind to all people, and I'm open. I give talks on mental health, I write about it for people, I teach about it. That experience 2008-2010, hard as it was, made me a better person.

So I opened up to my gf, I trusted her with sex, I told her that it was an area that had the potential to really hurt me if it was used as weapon or to shame.

I think I gave her roadmap. Early in the relationship she had come by rather late in the evening to just have a glass of wine on the patio because she was stressed, even though I had to get up at 5:20am I said of course- I wanted to be there for her. She then said we should go to bed and I, as kindly as I could, gently, said I'm sorry but I'm super tired and need to get up really early. She got VERY angry and it turned into a 'fight' (not a fight, just attacks from her, me defending myself). She a super feminist, I'M a super feminist, and I know that she would defend any person's right to say no...I was hurt and confused.

I then began to feel sexually objectified in the relationship, like you felt. Zero kissing in sex, zero holding and embracing. "You want to go to bed?" was it, she'd walk into my room, take off her clothes, once pointing at me with her finger going up and down on my body as I stood in my room saying "what are you doing? get those off (my clothes). Humiliating. Typically, she take off her clothes, get in bed and face away from me...waiting for me to 'do' something.

Once I was coming out of the shower and stepped to the dryer to get some clean clothes and as I was putting them on she barked at me 'wait, what are you doing...stop that!" I was confused and hurt, we hadn't talked about sex.

Then she began to bark and snap at me, during sex. 'Oh my god, what are you doing?" "just stop that!" I was doing things just the way we had at the beginning of the relationship, just being tender and loving...more confusion and humiliation.

Then, our sex life just stopped. She would completely ignore texts from me to come over, she would pretend we hadn't talked about getting together to ' connect'. This went on for months. I was hurting and confused, so one night when we had written on the calendar that she would spend the weekend at my place (we put it on the calendar at her insistence 6-8 weeks before, she had berated me for months for 'being a child' for not keeping a Google calendar and 'ruining' our first summer together by missing planned events, which isn't even slightly true) we watched a movie and then I said let's go to bed and she said 'ok, but I can't stay over".

I then, after months of no sex, ignoring my texts and requests to come over, asked her kindly and gently "is there something wrong with our physical relationship? Because I'm confused and hurt." Her response

anger, yelling, pacing around and "this is because of your sexual abuse"

Ooof. Months of no sex followed, we were in bed again for the first time in months and I reached out to put my arm around her as she came to bed- she swatted it away. Shocked and uncomprehending, I reached to put my arm around her as she tucked in, she swatted it away again. I again gently asked her if there was something wrong with our physical relationship and she ABSOLUTELY exploded "You wanna fight? Do you? Ok, let's go at it then. Let's fight...I'm awake now, let's go at it."

I told her I didn't want to fight, just asking a question. We hadn't had sex in 5 months, she'd ignored all my texts and overtures for months and turned me down 4 times in a single weekend she'd spent at my place (and of course, each time I just said ok...kissed her on the cheek and went to sleep...she has a right to say no).

At this point, she was yelling and twisted up in the face and I'm just cowering trying to get her to settle down. I reminded her that I had sent many texts to her to come over to connect and she ignored them, and then she said "that's because I was reevaluating the relationship". So it was intentional, and the time she told me my hurt feelings were 'due to my sexual abuse' was during that time...when she was actively withholding sex, ignoring me, but at the same time asking me to do things for her and asking me to listen to her complain, almost daily, about her ex husband, and asking me to watch her dog for free for 3 weeks while she went to Europe, told me she looked up her ex-boyfriends address in the UK and thought she might visit him while there, and completely forgot my birthday while she was there, and before (not leaving a card, not leaving a gift, not mailing a card or gift in the weeks before my birthday when she was there).

Sexually objectified, that's what got me started here. I just want to say I feel you. I know this got long, I guess I needed to process this a bit. It still hurts and I feel like I may never trust anyone with my body again

[poppy2]

hey jaded7,

So, I totally hear you. It's no problem for me if the post is long - sometimes it's just necessary to get it all out.

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've gone through. You know, on the internet I always want to be cautious with my words, but I can say that sexual abuse is horrific. And once the trigger is there, it becomes more and more difficult if somebody does something threatening, controlling, or in any way disrespectful. In my case I kind of can't believe that somebody who at least told me they had suffered something similar could themselves become a perpetrator - but my counselor at a center for victims of sexual violence told me it happens. Do you have a counselor or a therapist who is informed about these issues and who can help you? I really found a person who has been through it themselves understands so much better, and there is a trust there which is built on common experience.

I also experienced my gf withholding sex, or not wanting to have sex but somehow still expressing interest in me. It's very strange and hurtful. I think the advice I'd like to give my past self here is to gtfo while you still can..what I mean is, it was refreshing to me to read that intimacy is a kind of 'right' in relationships and it can actually be damaging *not* to be receiving it, just as well as receiving it in not a good way.

I'm just addressing parts of your post because I couldn't really speak to the whole (as you mention). There is something else in my post I can't really talk about, but it's why I was researching betrayal traumas and how to restore trust again. I actually found that women who have found out their husband's cheating on them have written lots of stuff about this. Did you know? my gf wasn't cheating on me but the total breakdown of a reality you thought you were in after a trust betrayal, especially about something as sensitive as sexual trauma, is somehow common ground. So here are some resources:

the ebook the aftermath of betrayal by Michelle Mays
this nice article on rebuilding trust:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201401/trust-and-betrayal%3famp
and also this nice article to remember how decent human beings without personality disorders work to restore trust instead of causing further harm:
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/betrayal-trauma#recovery

I have no idea when I'll be able to really trust somebody physically again. I don't think I'll tell people about sexual trauma again, although at some point it becomes necessary to trust I suppose. One of the legacies of sexual abuse is to trust too easily, and I definitely have that.. I think once I give someone my trust they won't break it. That is why it is so crushing when they do, and the articles address different strategies to use instead of this one. It occurs to me, too, to say that, yes, you gave her a weapon when you told her, and yes, I gave mine a weapon when I told her about my vulnerabilities in this area as well. I think the lesson I am going to take from this is that I am the only one who can protect myself and the idea of wishing that others will do so just isn't a viable idea. It gives them too much power which they can easily misuse if they want to. I think this promise of self-protection is very different to never trusting anybody ever again... but I understand that wound very well. I don't think I will ever be able or want to describe the awfulness of how this weapon was used against me.

On the point of your gf who broke up with you one day later... that is such a horrible and cruel thing to do. It's unfathomable to me not to be transparent about your reasons for having sex with someone. I also felt incredibly used by my last relationship and it crushed my self-esteem so badly. I feel like my ex was simply a predator and I wish I could take steps against her, like blocking her from dating apps or taking her to court, but it will only lead to more drama and hurt for me.

Also, thanks for posting! I honestly found it weird that something like 200 people read this post and only a few people replied. It felt a little voyeuristic to me... surely not all 200 ppl have the experience of sexual objectification, although probably some do and just don't want to post (which is totally fine).

[Selfishsally]

If you'd like to say more about how you feel about the situation, I'd be happy to try and offer advice, or at least a sympathetic ear... although I wonder if the boards about "staying or improving" the relationship might also offer you tools for that.

Thank you poppy. You really are too kind. I am not trying to stay in the relationship, but I have problems with doing things I think are cruel. (I am in therapy! I know I need it!)
The more I dig into looking into my coping methods the more problems I see with them.

Also, thanks for posting! I honestly found it weird that something like 200 people read this post and only a few people replied. It felt a little voyeuristic to me... surely not all 200 ppl have the experience of sexual objectification, although probably some do and just don't want to post (which is totally fine).

When I first came to the boards I was searching for something related to this issue and really didn't find anything.  I am not sure if there is any difference between a male pwbpd or female pwbpd with this issue. The only thing I came across was maybe discussing a female pwbpd being hypersexual. I would not say my male pwbpd is any more sexual then a non who is male. But maybe just feels more entitled to sexual gratification. He would get very upset for lack of affection and make sure to say something to me if he went a week without anything.

It still hurts and I feel like I may never trust anyone with my body again

Thank you for sharing your story Jaded.
Honestly, nothing has made me feel more damaged then the sexual betrayal I have felt. I am so sorry that you have been through all this. I hope you find healing. I hope discover love and confidence in yourself first and foremost.

[jaded7]

I also experienced my gf withholding sex, or not wanting to have sex but somehow still expressing interest in me. It's very strange and hurtful. I think the advice I'd like to give my past self here is to gtfo while you still can..what I mean is, it was refreshing to me to read that intimacy is a kind of 'right' in relationships and it can actually be damaging *not* to be receiving it, just as well as receiving it in not a good way.

 although at some point it becomes necessary to trust I suppose. One of the legacies of sexual abuse is to trust too easily, and I definitely have that.. I think once I give someone my trust they won't break it. That is why it is so crushing when they do, and the articles address different strategies to use instead of this one. It occurs to me, too, to say that, yes, you gave her a weapon when you told her, and yes, I gave mine a weapon when I told her about my vulnerabilities in this area as well. I think the lesson I am going to take from this is that I am the only one who can protect myself and the idea of wishing that others will do so just isn't a viable idea. It gives them too much power which they can easily misuse if they want to. I think this promise of self-protection is very different to never trusting anybody ever again... but I understand that wound very well. I don't think I will ever be able or want to describe the awfulness of how this weapon was used against me.

Also, thanks for posting! I honestly found it weird that something like 200 people read this post and only a few people replied. It felt a little voyeuristic to me... surely not all 200 ppl have the experience of sexual objectification, although probably some do and just don't want to post (which is totally fine).

Thank you Poppy for your thoughtful reply, and the inclusion of resources on betrayal. It does feel a lot like betrayal- of trust, of love (what does it mean anyway, I must not understand) and of painful childhood experiences that were shared.

I was in that 'space' last night, and it all came pouring out of me. I'm sure you know how that happens- it's a form of coping I think, a way of just trying to make sense of things that to me, still, make no sense.

As sexual abuse survivors, it can be so confusing when we/I enter into a sexual relationship with real meaning, real love. For me, sex is a way of being close, connecting, loving. It has almost nothing to do with wanting sexual gratification, if you can see the difference. So to have a partner who is actively, obviously (as in, ignoring texts and calls to come over, connect) withholding sex, but still wanting other things from you- a listening ear, projects done, taking care of her pet to save her money- it's SO confusing, right?

Interesting what you say about trust. Once I'm IN, once I've allowed myself to love someone, I'm fully in and fully trusting. As you say, maybe too easily trusting at that point- like you, once I trust someone, I have no expectation that they will break it. Perhaps that is profoundly naive.

And I'm glad that posting helped you feel better about sharing here. I get the vulnerability it requires, and I so understand that seeing so many reads and relatively few replies and would feel voyeuristic to you. I get it so well!  I would do that same thing.

Perhaps many of those readers are not ready to talk about their experiences, maybe the idea of being sexually objectified resonates with them but their fear is too strong now. Hopefully, your sharing and modeling will be of use to them...I bet it has been.

There is more we can discuss, I'm happy to continue on! Thank you again for your thoughtful posts.

[Ad Meliora]

Anyway, after this she became very avoidant and wouldn't see me and wouldn't explain why. I guess she felt a lot of guilt and shame, but she never told me. I told her I didn't like this treatment and broke up with her. Two weeks later I missed her and got back in contact. This is when I really began to notice something was wrong. She was very controlling, and I felt somehow in the background that there was a big power struggle going on. Her words were still very kind, adoring, or whatever, but her actions weren't.

Hi Poppy2.  I've had very similar experiences to this, both in how my BPDex acted and how I reacted.  I think the avoidance we experienced (which was frequent for me over the course of a year) was quiet discard.  A way of pushing us away to reel us back in.  I mean, I became addicted to her, and I realized this while I was still in the relationship. I didn't care.  At one point we had an argument, and made up in bed, but it didn't sit well with me on my drive home (which I mentioned in that other thread).  I emailed her my discontent and how I didn't want to always be 5th or 6th priority in her life.  I told her I was just going to stay away until I heard from her.  I didn't hear from her.  10 days went by and I just couldn't take it anymore.  She was an expert at the "silent treatment" and I made contact as I had done several times before when I had also tried to create distance.  She then emailed me what I thought was an explanation or apology, but it was nothing of the sort.  She used nice words to tell me how I got it wrong, and I must just be messed up.  Her family was just fine and everything is good, I'm heaping an avalanche of criticism onto her unnecessarily and I must have anxiety issues to deal with.  I did have anxiety issues to deal with--because of her not speaking to me! 

I had many of these cycles and things just got worse and worse over time.  I always came back to her.  She didn't want to be the one breaking up, but her actions made it impossible for anything else than that to happen.  I wanted to believe her words, but it ultimately came down to her actions being the truth.  I was nothing to her.  A candy bar wrapper, to be discarded when done.  While I'm still thinking of that relationship daily, I doubt she's given it thought at all--even though I'd like to think otherwise.  I'm not sure the past means much to a BPD, it's all about how they feel at the moment, that day, while you and me and the rest of the Non BPD's struggle to make sense of the calamity we went through.

It may be that she thinks I'm just on a really really really long break this time.  I'm sure if I made contact, she'd hook me right back in.  She'd make me pledge allegiance first, and agree I was wrong all the time, but I'm all but sure she'd be happy to Vamp my emotional energy.

I'd just say that sex complicated all of it.  She was an emotional person and physical intimacy isn't anything if not emotional.  This is when some of the strangest things did come out, usually afterward in bed.  All of a sudden I felt like I would be on the stand getting grilled and having to answer questions about ex's.  One night, early on, she started crying and I asked what's wrong.  She said, "It's not going to last, it's never going to last--1 year or 10 years--it doesn't matter!"  I didn't know what she was talking about (she did, of course).  I comforted her and calmed her and had that mammal brain working for a bit again.  She knew.  She knew she had a PD even if undiagnosed.  She knew she'd push me away, hurt me, and eventually I'd leave just like the rest.

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad we ended up here Poppy.  There's already been a lot if info and insight gained so far for me.