1 year and 4 months NC. Woke up in the need to ventilate remains of my feelings

[stressftw]

Its been a while since my last post here. It was a traumatic experience, although sometimes i still think about her like today. She doesnt cross my mind that much anymore. Things are getting better i guess. Im still lonely and avoiding any type of relationship. Im still traumatized and afraid to engage with new people.
It has been 1 year and 4 months since our breakup. I never heard from her since, not a single beep. Ya, shes definately gone.
I promised to myself to never stalk her or look into anything related to her. And im still holding my promise.

I wrote this letter to myself, i needed this today. I hope some of you can relate.

She wouldnt stop til she get what she want.
She would go for the lowest blows to seduce: Victimizing, sensualizing, creating tales, erotic dreams, putting me on the verge of the only savior there is. She targeted all the angles, til you finally give a chance.
Now, we both are in the moon, but there is no happy ending in this story. All the addicted crossroads culminate in suffering in the middle of this intense emotional rollercoaster.
Slowly, what looked liked compassion, love, comprehension shifted into rage, ghosting, cruelty and betrail. There is no coming back from what is happening. But somehow i cant let her go. Im addicted.
I want all the good moments back. But, the more i try to compensate, more im being bashed.
At this point she know my insecurities, and she is slowly escalating using them against me.
Now is all harmed. "How things came to this point?" i always asked to myself. For her, it was clear i was to blame for her misbeheaviors, and she want to make sure i will blame myself for it.
Im slowly becoming emotionally disabled, feelin weak and needy, day by day. I cant even notice anymore.
Friends and family at this point start to point out how different i have become, "U shouldnt submit yourself into certain things". They are afraid to hurt me even more by saying anything that could hurt me, so they respect the space and distance i created towards everyone else around me.
For me, nothing else matters at this point. But to recovery what was good before.
I feel that nothing i ever did matters now. Nothing we both ever lived matters or had a real meaning for her. I am about to be erased from the HD.
Suddenly she's gone. I am left in pieces. She seems really indifferent towards all this situation. Actually, she looks happy and excited than ever, she was already grooming someone before leaving.
I feel that im nothing, and represent nothing to her. Seeing me in suffer now only flare up all her cruelty and darkside.
She kinda despize me even more now that im in total pain. "What a loser. Dont even try to waste my time trying to talk with me." Im now blocked everywhere. "Dont dare you to try to contact me ever again, or i will call the cops, leave me alone because i owe you nothing."
No closure
No respect
She to ripped my hopes, my soul, my heart out.
Im done
And she's gone. Forever. She was never there in the first place.
I felt that this shifting into ruthlessnes is her pride, her trophy. She couldnt leave without making sure of seeing me shattered.
I never experienced so much pain in my life, im dead inside.
Pick up your pieces and try to get up
Learn to walk again, learn to talk again.

Eventually you will heal. But im afraid, i will keep those battlefield scars forever.

[Anonym2806]

Hey mate,

Sorry for what you have been through.
I know how much it’s difficult but you have made a big step by staying in NC.
I’ve been ghosted to, treated like nothing as well.
Im seeing a T since a few months and he helps me a lot.
I’m on NC but she stalk my social media and I know from someone, she’s depressed.
Because this is what they have for the rest of their life. Being depressed and us, we have the chance to heal and move on.
I’m dating again and feeling good since a few weeks.
Taking care of yourself is the priority. Your happiness is up to you and no one else.
Believe me, when you get that, things are better.
And what you wrote is beautiful
Take care

[stressftw]

Hey mate,

Sorry for what you have been through.
I know how much it’s difficult but you have made a big step by staying in NC.
I’ve been ghosted to, treated like nothing as well.
Im seeing a T since a few months and he helps me a lot.
I’m on NC but she stalk my social media and I know from someone, she’s depressed.
Because this is what they have for the rest of their life. Being depressed and us, we have the chance to heal and move on.
I’m dating again and feeling good since a few weeks.
Taking care of yourself is the priority. Your happiness is up to you and no one else.
Believe me, when you get that, things are better.
And what you wrote is beautiful
Take care

Thank you for the kind words. By the time being humiliated lead me no options but NC. I think was better this way.
Seeing a caring person who i deeply loved shifting in to a different cruel being was probably the most dissonant and different bizarre thing i have ever experienced.

[Ad Meliora]

I hear you Stress.  I feel like I could've written your letter--or a similar one.  "And she's gone. Forever.  She was never there in the first place."  Give that man a "Bingo!"

1 yr, 1month and it's still rough for me, but I'm glad I found this forum to make some sense out of it all.  All of us are so different and our BPDex's too, but our tales read the same, even looking years back.

Im still lonely and avoiding any type of relationship. Im still traumatized and afraid to engage with new people.

This is the space I'm in right now too. Covid has helped cement that.  I keep thinking I should get back 'out there', but where really?  In a world filled with loose covid cannons and quiet bpd?  No thank you.  Gonna take some time for myself, find someone to talk to with the tools professionally to help and go from there.  I thought I couldn't live without a romantic partner as this is the longest I've been girlfriend-free since '93!  I'm doing alright on my own.

I'll boil it down with a haiku of my own.

Perfection! I thought
Why did things turn so shi-ty?
No answers, my friend