Extra-marital attraction in the midst of misery - how do you handle it?

[pursuingJoy]

I thought this might be an interesting discussion.

There were two points in my life where I found myself married, unhappy, and attracted to someone else.

I'd just married. The honeymoon was a disaster. He was responsible for planning, and he hadn't planned anything. We borrowed a cabin, weather was awful, he wasn't into sex, and the most exciting thing we did was rent a movie. A few weeks later, I found myself really attracted to one of his best friends. I'd never noticed him before. I never acted on it. I was so relieved when we moved to another state and I didn't have to see the friend anymore.

Fast forward 7 years into the same awful, emotionally abusive relationship, I was in counseling with a female, husband was in counseling with a male, and sometimes the four of us would meet for joint sessions. Men in my life are not exactly amazing. I'd been told by my brother, "It doesn't matter if he beats you black and blue, your job is to stay and pray it gets better." So when my h's counselor stood up for me and defended me, I felt intense attraction to him. Thankfully I understood what was happening and again, I never acted on it.

I'm since divorced from him and happily remarried, but it stands out to me that these attractions were major red flags and probably something many people deal with. I felt horrified, ashamed, guilty and fascinated. I recognized that something in me was hurting but still hoped for something better, and I knew that was ok, maybe even healthy.

Have you ever experienced this? How did you handle it?

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[Imabird]

Yes, I have absolutely experienced this. You sound love starved, which can happen when you’re in an abusive relationship. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I have felt this way toward complete strangers who show me kindness. As long as you recognize why you feel this way and that it probably isn’t what you want it to be, and that you don’t act on those feelings, it’s okay. We all want to be loved and cared for.

[pursuingJoy]

I have felt this way toward complete strangers who show me kindness. 

I've also gotten the impression that I might be the object of someone's affection, and have had to work through what it meant to support them and also set boundaries.

Two nonBPD people I love had affairs because they were love-starved. I can empathize. It's a heady experience, like alcohol on an empty stomach.