Trying to Keep Us Together

[CParent]

Hi all,
I'm new here. My husband and I have been married 16 years with 2 children and are teetering on breakup. He went through major depression during Covid and returned to a therapist in the spring. Shortly after, he began telling me he hasn't been happy in several years and blaming me for his unhappiness. He says I was emotionally abusive to him for years and doesn't know if he can forgive me, though my therapist says he was abusive to me. He almost left outright but decided to come back and try to work on us. He hasn't come out and admitted a BPD diagnosis, but a close friend who works in therapy and my therapist both agree this is almost certain. The closest he come is when he refers to having a "mental illness." He is currently seeing a therapist as am I to help me deal with everything, though he's resistant to couples therapy. Last week, we had a good talk and I assured him I love him no matter what and things have been much calmer though still a bit distant.
It's all been so hard. The ups and downs, the push and pull, and although he's just about always had an "enemy," it's never been me, not to this extent. He says he's built a wall around himself to defend himself from me, he's trying to forgive but he doesn't know if he can.
Outside of highly stressful situations, my husband is kind, compassionate, funny, intelligent, and a wonderful husband and father. I really value my vows of sickness and health, and if he didn't have an illness, wasn't actively seeking help in therapy, I would likely ask him to leave. But I still haven't given up on our marriage.
I guess my question is, has anyone gone through this and come out the other end successfully, marriage intact? He's had one other angry episode with me a few years ago but he eventually moved past it. How do I keep my family together?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Something to keep in mind is that beneath the blaming and threats to leave, is a deep reservoir of shame and self loathing in individuals with BPD. They may quite successfully cover it up much of the time and project that negativity upon others, and perhaps due to the isolation of Covid, you’ve become the convenient enemy.

It’s very good that he’s seeing a therapist and that you are too, as it’s very stressful to live with a person with BPD who is acting out their discomfort.

You ask for an example of a successful marriage. Well, I’ve divorced one BPD husband and am currently married to another one (family of origin predisposed me to thinking that people with BPD are *normal*  ) and we are doing well, having been through a rough patch a few years ago.

What makes a difference from my experience is how afflicted your partner is, how accountable they are, how their behavior impacts you, and how willing you are to tolerate non typical patterns of behavior. In my case, the first was extreme on the scale, while my current husband is mildly affected.