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Author Topic: So tired  (Read 486 times)
Changeland

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What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« on: August 02, 2021, 02:58:59 AM »

Aloha, my partner has been diagnosed with BPD. She has been seeing a talk therapist for about 6 months and they seem to get along well. However, I am not seeing any real change in her behavior for the positive, at least not in more than small spurts. Our life is pretty stressful, with this diagnosis as an extra layer. We co-parent 2 kids, one of whom also displays potential BPD signs at the age of 13. The problem that seems to really plague us is my exhaustion. I question why she does what she does, expect accountability from both her and our son, explanations, fairness, etc. She cannot provide much of this for me and the more I push, the more she withdraws. I Understand that I'm just supposed to "deal with it" and "take care of myself", but I also need to be here for the lot of them. It's an exhausting push and pull. I wake up before everyone and stay up after they all go to bed to take care of the home and our pets, myself, and my work. I can't remember what fun truly is, as we have been at this for the better part of 7 years.  I don't know how to find any reprieve for myself in this situation, even as she's telling me to "just go ahead and leave her" because she "can't be a good partner." What kills me is in the times that she's her truest, happiest self, she is an incredible person and I love that person with the whole of my being. I Just feel like I'm caught in this cycle where my needs can't be met by myself or others and I'm constantly running on fumes, making it harder for me to just accept all these behaviors without talking about them, which then causes anger and distrust, her hitting me or whatever, and then we start all over again. I Just need a break and some understanding from her but fear I can't ever expect that to actually happen. Thanks for listening. 
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2021, 11:29:38 AM »

It does indeed sound like you’re running on fumes with no support system.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

We encourage everyone who has a BPD partner to seek therapy. After all, even therapists with a difficult BPD client will begin therapy for themselves. And they don’t live with that person!

You’ll probably say that you have no time, as you are doing everything to keep things together for the family. However, there are lots of new online therapy companies with professional counselors who are available for phone, video, or online chats. Certainly you could find an hour once a week or two to confer with someone who has experience with personality disorders.

That you are not seeing real change in your partner after six months of therapy could be due to the fact that not all therapists are well versed in BPD. And as you’re probably aware, people with BPD can present a much different side to outsiders than family.

One of the difficult things is to give up expecting fairness and accountability from a BPD partner. It certainly can happen at times, but usually not when we *ask* for it.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Changeland

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What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2021, 01:31:38 PM »

Thank you, Cat. I know and I wish it could be different. I'm learning to just live with all of these things, but it feels like I'm harming myself by staying in such a tumultuous situation. Our kids' biological dad left years ago, presumably for similar reasons. I have had a hard time finding a therapist where I am who takes my insurance, in person or virtual chat, and was trying to use BetterHelp but the prices were too outrageous for me to be able to handle. I want to ust talk it through and have her see the changes that need to be made instead of trying to tell me I'm the enemy and it's all my fault (which, it was happening before me for many years but I am the first partner to want accountability and action instead of just ignoring it and running away). Her first inclination in any situation is to run and hide and push everyone away, which always means me. It's super tough and I feel stuck. I don't want to leave but I don't know what to even do right now.
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pursuingJoy
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
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« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2021, 02:08:13 PM »

Changeland I hear your exhaustion. Many of us here can relate. Big hugs to you.

I don't know how to find any reprieve for myself in this situation

I know firsthand how frustrating it can be to find someone that takes your insurance, but keep trying. Your partner is not going to change at the rate you need her to. She likely can't understand, much less explain her behavior OR support you in your hurt, anger and frustration. The more I pressured my husband to change, the more I tried to convince him of anything, the worse I made things for him and myself. Things changed when I accepted who and where he was. I reserved some energy I'd spent fighting him, and instead I started to set boundaries that kept me in my yard and focused on what I could control.

I'm worried about your exhaustion. Chronic stress may mean your fight or flight response is always 'on.' That is physically draining. The goal is to alleviate that, albeit temporarily. I have a few practical suggestions in the spirit of brainstorming, things you can work on anytime.

If you find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about the weight you carry, cut the time you think about it by 50%. Make an appointment with a medical doctor to see if there is anything else contributing to your exhaustion. Spend one on one time with family members doing something that makes you laugh or gets your mind off of your issues for an hour or two. Spend one hour a week doing or researching your favorite hobby. If these won't work for you, how else can you create time for your body to turn 'off' the fight or flight so you can reserve your energy?

How do you define being there for them? How often does she hit you?
« Last Edit: August 02, 2021, 02:16:00 PM by pursuingJoy » Logged

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
pursuingJoy
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« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2021, 02:13:25 PM »

Wanted to add that we are a great support system and we'll help in any way we can!
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
Changeland

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What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2021, 03:55:11 PM »

The physical threatening persists nearly every time that she is on a downswing, but if I question her or challenge any of her ideas/actions/etc., I am more than likely to be physically attacked. I see the same behavior in our oldest son to his brother, and they both place the blame on the person they've attacked ("I didn't RIP HIS SHIRT, I was just HOLDING the neckline and HE PULLED AWAY from me!" "If you weren't IN MY FACE [i.e. in the same room], I wouldn't HAVE to hit YOU").
I'm also concerned about my health. I was hospitalized for two days in July with severe stomach cramping and vomiting. I was convinced it was due to head trauma from being beaten up two days prior (to which she said was IMPOSSIBLE), but all of my physical tests look great besides what I am certain to be extremely elevated stress levels. I would love to hear any ideas. I struggle with the "I can't take time for myself because then things around the house aren't being completed", etc mindset, as well. I don't ever want to be viewed as a poor performing partner, especially because I am told I am one repeatedly. I have given up everything for this family, her and her children, so I can be there for them whenever she might need backup or an adult to take the kids somewhere, etc. We live 5,000 miles from where we used to live/have family and have no network of support here besides our kids' biological dad (who already has us shouldering a lot of the weight of the child-care [in this 50/50 arrangement, we actually have the kids about 85% versus his 15%] and there is nothing that will change with that (that's a whole 'nother thing!). I appreciate the support and will take any and all advice y'all can give <3

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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2021, 04:15:39 PM »

Have you reached out to any domestic violence organizations where you live? Nowadays men are perceived correctly as victims of DV and counseling services may be available at no charge. Often these organizations are quite familiar with personality disorders too.

Unfortunately the law enforcement community in some areas lags behind with recognition that women can be perpetrators. Please take the Mosaic Test, which is a threat assessment of danger of violence and report to us your score.

MOSAIC TEST
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Changeland

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What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2021, 04:54:30 PM »

Hi there, because of the custody situation, I really do not want to involve police and threaten the loss of her children, as some days I think that's all that holds her together.


MOSIAC TEST RESULTS: 6 on a scale of 1 to 10 with a quality level of 184 out of a possible 200
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #8 on: August 02, 2021, 05:39:54 PM »

I should have been clearer when I mentioned law enforcement.

Many times in domestic violence situations, law enforcement is called, maybe not by you or her, possibly a neighbor or passerby. Unfortunately, regardless of whether he is to blame or not, it is the man who is usually arrested.

I wanted to mention this to alert you to this possibility, so you can extract yourself before danger arises.

Have you checked out local DV organizations?
 
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Changeland

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What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« Reply #9 on: August 02, 2021, 05:43:58 PM »

I have not. The thought of me "telling someone" will send her in to a rage and I fear it worse for me.
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #10 on: August 02, 2021, 05:47:35 PM »

Counseling is private and there is no need to disclose that to your partner. After all, it’s about improving your relationship as well as your own mental health.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Changeland

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What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« Reply #11 on: August 02, 2021, 05:51:13 PM »

She got mad at me because I was paying for online counseling due to a lack in my area and I had to stop because it's not in the budget.
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« Reply #12 on: August 02, 2021, 08:24:23 PM »

6 months, is, relatively speaking, a very short time to put a dent in what are entrenched personality traits and behaviors that have in all likelihood been there most of her life.

this is written for parents, but applies to any loved one supporting someone with BPD who is going through therapy...it talks a lot about what can/should be expected, and the role we can play: https://bpdfamily.com/content/support-child-therapy

Excerpt
We co-parent 2 kids

is yours a blended family?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Changeland

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What is your sexual orientation: Trans
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Living together
Posts: 8


« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2021, 01:31:26 AM »

yes her ex husband and his partner live a town over from us. beyond them, none of us have family within 5,000 miles.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2021, 10:55:44 AM »

I don't ever want to be viewed as a poor performing partner, especially because I am told I am one repeatedly.

I say this as someone raising 5 kids in a blended family, juggling a job and household chores, it sounds like you're overperforming. As you start to shift the dynamic it may temporarily require being viewed (and maybe even feeling) like a poorly performing partner.  You have some health concerns, physical and emotional. I know you're in this for the long haul and addressing your health will require investment.

I'd never read the link once removed shared, it was pretty interesting. Did you get a chance to check it out? It has a lot of great steps you can take to guide your family through these waters and how to set a boundary and minimize a strong fear response from your partner. It describes hitting as a tantrum, a cry for help, and goes on to say that when a cry for help isn't heard, it gets louder.

Have you thought about setting up a safety plan?
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
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