sunny060918
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married; controlled contact
Posts: 15
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« on: August 02, 2021, 01:29:15 PM » |
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I don't know where to start... But I think sharing our story is a good place to begin as it has led us to this point. Husband and I got married 2.5 years ago after dating for a year. Second marriage for us both. He's 57 and I'm 47. His son is married and they have a 6 mo old baby. His daughter is a suicide victim. She's been gone for 13 years. She was 22. He was married for 20 years to a woman who has a long, documented history of mental illnesses including BPD (conventional type), multiple suicide attempts, serial infidelity, frequent mental hospital stays, etc. His childhood was traumatic too. His mother committed suicide when he was 17. She had multiple mental illnesses, hospitalizations, suicide attempts, marriages, and serial infidelity issues. My husband's biological father signed over his parental rights when hubby was a toddler so the second husband could adopt my husband. Years later, it came out that the adoptive father had molested my husband's little sister repeatedly.
As soon as we got married, his rages began. Literally, the first one was on our wedding night. Triggered by our dance at our reception. He felt I embarrassed him when I pressed my hand on his back to guide him away from bumping into an elderly uncle. As soon as we drove off from the reception, he started in on me. No amount of apologizing or explaining could get through to him. I wondered what in the world have I done?
For the past 2 years, there have been rages/episodes that occur every couple of months and generally around the 13th of the month which is the date his daughter died. They have progressively gotten worse with a major event occurring June 16. He had been in a cycle for days. A little background on his "issue" with me. I had a prior relationship - an affair with a married man that ended in 2014 (FOUR YEARS BEFORE WE MET). But I had not unfriended him on FB which was thoughtless, but I never thought about him or my fb account. And my husband perceived this to be an infidelity and a betrayal. No amount of apologies, actions I took (like blocking him on fb), nothing would placate my husband. He obsessed about this guy - did background checks on him, drove by his house, said he should die, etc. He printed every single email from my old gmail archived accounts, old archived FB posts, he's snooped through my notes from our counseling sessions, my phone, etc. Every raging episode ended up about this guy and my betrayal. I should also mention his substance use... drinking daily, beer and liquor. THC vape pen that he was smoking from morning to night. Past history of drug use - according to him, in the days/year after his daughter's suicide, he used coke, acid, x, but "only recreationally". (But his sister mentioned possible meth use back in his past, which he has never mentioned. In fact, he has explicitly said he's never done meth). Hubby also has issues with my young adult sons, criticizing them relentlessly when he's in one of these episodes, but I suspect this is because he feels threatened or jealous of my relationship with them. If I'm not paying enough attention to hubby, he'd accuse me of being addicted to my phone, or watching TV with my 17 yr old daughter who lives with us. He'd interrupt our watching a show just because he could. (control? jealous?) and I'd put my daughter on hold to deal with him.
Anyway, back to June 16th. He was raging, paranoid, completely irrational. I looked at him and calmly said, "I know you believe these things to be true. I love you, I'm not abandoning you, but I am leaving this conversation." I went to our bathroom and was going to leave the house (Thank God, my 17 year old daughter was not home that night). But he came to our room and continued yelling and raging at me through the bathroom door. I stayed in our bathroom. He got his pistol, I heard him load it and cock it, and he threatened to go shoot the man from my past and another man he accused me of having an affair with in my past (which was a complete fabrication - I did/do not even know this second man). I recorded him on my phone, plus he texted me details of how he was going to drive to these men's houses and how he was going to shoot them. He knew their addresses because he had run background reports on them and other men from my fb history/ list of blocked people and he was convinced I had sex with over 50 men which is not true, but the truth didn't matter. (BTW, I had been single for 10 years and did online dating. I'd blocked men I didn't want to communicate with. And I blocked anybody who sent me an unsolicited fb message. But again, none of this mattered to hubby). Anyway, I had texted our counselor while I was hunkered in the bathroom and she advised I call the police. I couldn't, and I asked her to call them. An officer called me and kept me on the phone. They heard him ranting in the background. SWAT team surrounded our house. When he finally opened the garage to go to his truck, they detained him. Found his THC vape pen on him (that's a potential felony - currently waiting t see what the city/DA decide to do and this is looming over him in a very bad way). He spent the next week in the county mental hospital. I had it arranged to transfer him to a private hospital the next day, but he refused the transfer. Now he goes on about how traumatic that place was even though I had tried to get him moved.
He has relayed to his family and to me that he thinks I overreacted and the events of that night are my fault. He has said that he thinks I called the police because I was punishing him and vindictive, and I wasn't afraid like I claimed to be. He's asked me to delete all the videos/audio of him that night and to make sure anyone I sent them to deletes them also. I deleted them from my phone, but they are backed up on my google photo app. The police officer told me not to delete them. He texted me the other night asking if I still had them and to send to him. It was a trap - a no-win situation.
Now, he and I have both been in therapy for the last several months and he's continuing to go. We both are also doing micro current neuro feedback and we are going to a wonderful church together. But I and my daughter moved out the day he was released from the hospital on 6/23. We are not officially separated, but we are living apart. He has had one episode since 6/16 (about the videos/audio I haven't deleted). And I wasn't even physically in his presence. The verbal abuse was by phone and text. I was able to completely disengage and remained safely tucked away at my apartment. He cycled through quickly and the next day he called. The first thing he said was, "What is wrong with me?".
Our counselor had mentioned a couple of months ago that hubby displays traits of borderline. After 6/16 and this most recent episode, I've come to fully agree. He, however, is completely resistant. His experience with borderlines is with his ex-wife. I'm reading several books and it's like "wow... this is exactly what I've been going through". I'm not alone. I do have a support system. I have friends and family who have witnessed these traits in my husband, who believe me, who want what's best for him and for me. We have a counselor who has experience with borderlines and is willing to work with him.
I want to do my part to be healthy myself. To not enable him, to stop doing things that prohibit his recovery. But I have some questions:
Does recovery require admission and acceptance of the actual diagnosis?
Is it ok to engage with him when he's being "normal" and behaving in a healthy way? Is it enough to disengage and not reward his unhealthy behavior? (I'm asking my counselor this at our next session)
What other resources have you found helpful? I'm currently reading SWOE and doing the workbook. I also bought "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" but I haven't started reading that one yet.
If you've read through this exceptionally long post, Thank you! I really appreciate your time and attention. I'm grateful to have found this website and forum!
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