How to handle an ex-wife with BPD

[Beach Dad]

I could use some help dealing with my Ex-wife who has BPD.  We have 2 boys and have been divorced for 4 years.  I’ve been “walking on eggshells” to manage her outbursts for the benefit of the kids but I know that I need to free myself.  I have started to set boundaries and it gets bad quickly with yelling, severe criticism, threats, and aggression.  Not sure what to do.

[kells76]

Hi Beach Dad, welcome to the group! Glad you found us -- we definitely get where you're coming from.

Sounds like you've seen that no matter how untriggering and "good" you try to be around her, for your kids' sake, it's never enough, and you're losing yourself in trying to appease her. Lots of members here, and members' partners and family members, have experienced that same process of realization.

How old are your boys now, and how have they been doing with the divorce? What's the custody/parenting time situation?

What were some areas where you tried to set boundaries, but she responded by escalating?

My husband's kids' mom, while not diagnosed, has many BPD-type traits (blaming, never her fault, doesn't take responsibility, stonewalling, entitlement, badmouthing, controlling... the list goes on). This group has saved my sanity and helped DH (my "dear husband") and I build new, unintuitive, yet profoundly helpful skills and tools for dealing with her (and her uNPD partner).

Share more whenever you're ready;

kells76

[pursuingJoy]

BeachDad, welcome! I'm in the same boat as kells, my husband's ex displays many BPD traits.

She used to scream at him over the phone for the silliest things. He got to a point where he would warn her, "If you continue screaming, I will hang up the phone." I'll never forget the first time he actually did it. He was as shocked as she was.

She also relied on him for emotional support outside of the kids. She would call and pour out her heart and expect him to coach her through it. He would say, "I'm happy to talk about the kids. Are they doing ok?"

The hardest part for him is when she drags the kids into it, manipulating them to get her way with him. Does your ex ever do that?

What do you mean it 'gets bad?' What's the worst that might happen? The fact that it 'gets bad' may actually be a sign that the boundaries are working. pwBPD interpret boundaries as rejection and find them very hurtful, so they lash out, especially when they're first set. It's kind of par for the course.