Who am I?

[Obtusemooses]

Hi. I’m new to this forum and I’m also extremely grateful to have found it. I’ve been reading Reddit posts in /raisedbyborderlines but even that platform feels a little too…public for me.

The title of this post really says it all.

I always wondered why I could never figure out what my style is all through my teen years and in to my adult years (I’m 26 so I’m a sort-of adult ). The only passion I’ve ever felt for anything were my bartending jobs—but I’d develop really unhealthy attachments to them—as if my bosses were my “moms” and I’d constantly be vying for their approval. Turns out in the service industry, you never get approval or recognition for a job well done—so really these jobs were a tragic match made in heaven for someone who grew up with a bpd parent.

I struggle with hobbies. I pick a hobby up and practice it for a month or two and then I feel like I’m being “fake” or an imposter when I get good at it so I grow tired of it in return and never do it again.

I have absolutely no clue who I am because of my mom. Im 26 and I don’t have the slightest clue who I’m supposed to be but I’m motivated and am always trying new things with the hopes that *something* will feel normal and natural to me.

[pursuingJoy]

obtusemooses, you picked a great name 

First, welcome.  We're glad you're here. This is a safe space and many people here were raised by BPD parents.

I want to know more about your bartending jobs. How were your attachments unhealthy? There are few things I admire more than a great bartender. My cousin makes a great living doing it, and my husband wants to go to school for it. I find it really interesting that you dismissed your passion for it by connecting it to your mom and wanting her approval. Do you think that was your only driver?

[beatricex]

hi Obtusemooses,
Welcome to this forum.  I think it's natural for those of us with BPD mom's to find surrogate moms. 

I had my best friend's mom in High school, when I went NC with my parents for 7 years, the couple across the street became my "parents" (weirdly they had a daughter my age that lived with them, so not a stretch), and now I have well a husband.  He's not my Mom, but he is far more nurturing, and he supports me.  He listens, my mom cannot.  He knows where I work and is proud of me (Mom plays dumb as if I don't have a job).

As far as hobbies, I get what you're saying, I have had to adjust a lot.  If something reminds me of my FOO, I tend to shy away from it.  With time, those feelings passed and I could just enjoy something because it was relaxing and I loved it, it no longer had the association (negative) with my BPD mother.

Please post more, I think you will find a supportive and caring community here.  Haven't been over to Reddit, but I suspect if it felt too public, it likely was.  I have not gotten that feeling here.  Sometimes I wish posters would be more active, but that's different.
 
b

[Methuen]

Great name obtusemooses. 

  I struggle with hobbies. I pick a hobby up and practice it for a month or two and then I feel like I’m being “fake” or an imposter when I get good at it so I grow tired of it in return and never do it again.

Can you tell us more about what makes you feel like an imposter when you get good at something?  What's behind that?

The only passion I’ve ever felt for anything were my bartending jobs

Funny story. Our daughter introduced us to mojitos at the end of her first year of university.  It was the most useful outcome of ponying up for the balance of her 1st year of tuition (she did pay a chunk).  I've never looked back.  That was 5 years ago.  I've made a lot of mojitos since then, but would really like to try one of yours.  What was it about the bartending that you loved the most?

I have absolutely no clue who I am because of my mom.

Do you still live near your mom?  With your mom? A great distance away?

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Obtusemooses, 

Welcome to our family! This will be a great place for you to ask the questions you have, and I so appreciate that you started with this one:

Who am I?

My mom was an uBPD, and I stumbled through life, had lots of hobbies and looked for more hobbies, but there was always an empty place inside that I didn't even realize was empty. It was when my children were teenagers that I suddenly found myself unable to run from one thing to the next and find the distraction I craved that would 'fill' whatever it was that I was looking for. There was a sudden recognition that I wasn't able to find fulfillment in anything. I started into T, and soon began to see that every aspect of me was wrapped up in my uBPDm. It took some time, but gradually I have been able to find myself and learn who I am.

You are very much not alone in having that question. It is a common thread that the children of a pwBPD ask themselves. Good for you for starting on that journey! 

A great book that has helped me is Surviving A Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman. You can find the link to our review here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68021.0

What do you know about yourself that you feel comfortable in sharing? For example, do you have a favorite food or color?

Wools

[Turkish]

How did your mom hurt you that you feel cut off from being what you feel like is the "real you?"