She wants to check in with me on a monthly basis?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, after 6 weeks NC my ex sent me a text. I’ve been desperately wanting to hear from her but it all felt a bit anti-climatic and disingenuous on her part.

She asked how I was and said she just wanted to say she has not forget about me.

I said I was doing ok. Told her I miss her but work and the gym are keeping me busy. Said everything was going very well for me but I did miss sharing those things with her. I said I hope she was ok and thanked her for the text.

She replied saying that even though we aren’t together anymore, I’m really important to her and she wants to know I’m ok (yeah, right!). She said she’d text me once a month to see how I’m doing ?

I told her not to do that. Said I didn’t want to be on the sidelines whilst she sends me the occasional text when she feels like it. I’d rather just remember our time together.

She said I’m not on the sidelines and I’m someone she really cares about. She said she’d text me on the 4th of every month ?

I didn’t reply.

I doubt she’ll do this as she can’t stick to anything. I’m confused why she would discard me then text me to say she still cares and hasn’t forget me and will text every month.

I kinda hoped she was testing the water for a recycle (crazy, I know), but it all seemed so formal.

Anyone have any insight into what she’s playing at?

[B1987]

So, after 6 weeks NC my ex sent me a text. I’ve been desperately wanting to hear from her but it all felt a bit anti-climatic and disingenuous on her part.

She asked how I was and said she just wanted to say she has not forget about me.

I said I was doing ok. Told her I miss her but work and the gym are keeping me busy. Said everything was going very well for me but I did miss sharing those things with her. I said I hope she was ok and thanked her for the text.

She replied saying that even though we aren’t together anymore, I’m really important to her and she wants to know I’m ok (yeah, right!). She said she’d text me once a month to see how I’m doing ?

I told her not to do that. Said I didn’t want to be on the sidelines whilst she sends me the occasional text when she feels like it. I’d rather just remember our time together.

She said I’m not on the sidelines and I’m someone she really cares about. She said she’d text me on the 4th of every month ?

I didn’t reply.

I doubt she’ll do this as she can’t stick to anything. I’m confused why she would discard me then text me to say she still cares and hasn’t forget me and will text every month.

I kinda hoped she was testing the water for a recycle (crazy, I know), but it all seemed so formal.

Anyone have any insight into what she’s playing at?

[once removed]

Anyone have any insight into what she’s playing at?

i suspect that, and it sounds like, she wants the comfort of knowing the option to reach out to you is there, as opposed to the finality of never speaking to you again. she wants to be on good terms with you.

its probably not that she would consistently reach out on the fourth of every month, or whatever, thats not realistic, even if she meant it. its that the idea that the lines are open is something she finds comfort in.

its a bit like when a couple says "we can still be friends". they mean it. maybe they go through the motions for a bit. 99% of people dont seriously follow through, and eventually go their separate ways.

[B1987]

Thanks, once removed.

It’s really painful as I still absolutely love her. I don’t like the thought of meaningless text messages every few months.

[once removed]

i wouldnt either. either itd pull at my heart strings, or id have no interest.

nothing wrong with saying "lets go our separate ways". maybe youll want to get in touch down the road when things are easier. maybe not.

[Cromwell]

It sounds like you don't know her well, but enough to confirm that she's playing at some sort of game.

[grumpydonut]

Hi B1987,

Every situation is different, but mine did the same thing. My interpretation, which ended up being right, is that her replacement for me wasn't ready to commit, and thus she needed me as a back up in case everything went wrong.

Once she started dating my replacement, the contact was over, and she reverted to watching my online accounts instead.

[B1987]

Thank you for the replies.

It's really knocked my focus and I'm feeling really angry and frustrated about the texts. Frustrated that I still love her and want to be with her but have been reduced to 'one text a month to see how I am'. Angry that she claimed to love me more than anything but can painfully discard me and swan off to have fun elsewhere. Angry that she now decides she wants to keep monthly contact despite me saying I don't want that. She left me but now decides when and how we are to maintain contact. Most of all, I'm angry at myself! For still wanting her with every bit of my fabric, for how much I miss her, for how badly I want to reach out to her, for constantly ruminating about how she is and who she is with. This is why these small occasional texts are so painful. But she doesn't seem to grasp that. She seems so much more together and grounded than me whilst I'm a wreck and struggling every minute of the day! She was a whirlwind of chaos but I miss it so much - crazy!

Sorry, guys. I had to get that off my chest.

[Sappho11]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Six weeks out is still really, really fresh and raw.

I felt the same way as you six weeks out. I reached out to my ex, who, days before the final discard had claimed "I love you, and the last thing I'd want would be to lose you". He always called me the "love of his life", and we regularly spoke of marriage and children.

About six weeks into NC, I reached out to him because I still had his swimming trunks and I knew he'd need them in the hot weather. I told him that I missed talking and listening to him, and that, post-breakup I had stumbled about a thing or two that might help him, too.

He replied with one disingenuous BS sentence about how he was glad I was doing soo well (he had secretly been stalking my professional social media, where I've naturally had to put on a cheerful front) despite everything, and a sleeeeeeew of narcissistic ramblings about his feelings and what a hard time he (!) was having. Multiple paragraphs, in fact. He concluded with, "But on to the important things... my swimming trunks" without irony, rambling about how the ones I still had fit him better than the ones he had at home, that he wanted to pick them up even though it might be unwise, etc.

I felt physically sick when I read it. It was as if somebody had taken a blindfold off of my eyes. From the beginning, it had always been about him and whatever he could get out of me. He never saw me as a person, let alone my desires.

The cognitive dissonance was huge, because he always pretended to be sensitive, physically affectionate, emotional, tender... but it was all a front, a mere act. There never was any genuine connection.

Perhaps it can help you, too, to examine what your ex-girlfriend ever did for you in terms of being a good partner. Was she genuinely there for you? Did she reciprocate your love – not just the physical aspects, but the emotional connection? Did she ever put your needs above hers, as you did for her? And most importantly: Did she ever tell you something that went beyond a statement of her feelings, and was a true compliment about you as a human being?

My guess is no to everything. It was for me, at least. And once I realised that, it was a lot easier to detach. I hadn't been in love with that man, I'd been in love with who I thought he was, a spectre, a hollow dream which never truly existed.

I'm three months out now and I wouldn't take that loser back if he came back begging on his knees. I pined for him for over a year, including our relationship, but that door is closed now.

Six weeks ago this attitude would have been impossible.

What I'm trying to say: Hang in there. It does get better.

[B1987]

Thanks for that Sappho. I'm glad to hear you're in a better place. I really hope I can get there too.

I'm sure my ex said a few nice things about me but yes, it was mainly all about her. And the main problem was that after a while, the nice things didn't mean as much because a few minutes/hours/days later she'd feel differently.

It upsets me that she won't recognise my wishes now - if someone asked me to not contact them, I would not contact them. She completely ignored these wishes because she 'cares about me', I get the feeling it's just about her smoothing things out in her head.

Thank you for the reassurance, I can't wait for the day when the rose-tinted glasses are off!

[Sappho11]

Thanks for that Sappho. I'm glad to hear you're in a better place. I really hope I can get there too.

I'm sure my ex said a few nice things about me but yes, it was mainly all about her. And the main problem was that after a while, the nice things didn't mean as much because a few minutes/hours/days later she'd feel differently.

It upsets me that she won't recognise my wishes now - if someone asked me to not contact them, I would not contact them. She completely ignored these wishes because she 'cares about me', I get the feeling it's just about her smoothing things out in her head.

Thank you for the reassurance, I can't wait for the day when the rose-tinted glasses are off!

You can do this!

Seeing as she didn't respect your wishes and needs when you were in a relationship, what makes you think she would do so now? Sorry if this sounds harsh. It's just what it is.

If she truly cared for you, she'd respect your request for NC instead of probing once a month whether you're still willingly sitting on the backburner. Don't  get me wrong, she probably really believes she cares: that's her way of justifying her selfish and hurtful behaviour to herself. That's the bitter irony: pwBPD often think they care profoundly about other people, when all they care about are other people's actions and thoughts towards them. Your feelings don't truly factor into the equation. They didn't during the relationship and they sure don't do now.

One method I found helpful in detaching was to write down every single instance, no matter how "petty", of when my ex hurt me, disrespected me, violated my boundaries, snapped at me, or otherwise made me feel bad. It ended up being an 11-page document in a small font. Seeing this all at once made me realise how harmful this relationship had been beyond all doubt, even while I was still in the throngs of trauma bonding. It also helped take him off the mental pedestal I'd put him on as "the One" and made me see him for who he truly was. It was sobering.

[B1987]

One method I found helpful in detaching was to write down every single instance, no matter how "petty", of when my ex hurt me, disrespected me, violated my boundaries, snapped at me, or otherwise made me feel bad. It ended up being an 11-page document in a small font. Seeing this all at once made me realise how harmful this relationship had been beyond all doubt, even while I was still in the throngs of trauma bonding. It also helped take him off the mental pedestal I'd put him on as "the One" and made me see him for who he truly was. It was sobering.

I want to do this very thing. It would be very therapeutic and would definitely pass the time. Would make for an interesting read afterwards too! 

[once removed]

She seems so much more together and grounded than me whilst I'm a wreck and struggling every minute of the day!

the person doing the breakup almost always does, because they have at least partially grieved the relationship, while the other person tends to feel caught off guard, blindsided...even heartbroken. its an awful feeling. it always made me feel smaller somehow, for having feelings for a person that was walking away from me. it doesnt, of course. grief isnt a contest. we dont tend to do this to ourselves over say, a death. try to keep that in perspective. feelings arent a bad thing, or something to fight with. acknowledge them, grieve them, and when youre ready, youll let go of them. feelings of contentedness will replace them.

[B1987]

Thank you, once removed. I really wish she wouldn't keep checking in as a friend, I feel she purposefully wants to mess with my head and stop me moving on. It's also really painful how she called me the love of her life for 4 years but can quickly switch her feelings to see me as nothing more than a friend who she checks in with occasionally when she feels like it.

She has since text me and said maybe me could have evenings sometimes as friends with benefits, she said she may be in touch over the next couple of months. I feel as if her new relationship may not be going well and she is almost letting me know her plans of adding me as extra supply if she needs to. This has really got to me as I really miss our closeness and intimacy. She hinted a possible evening together but now has disappeared again.

I haven't initiated any further contact and will not chase her. I told her flat out not to keep asking me to be friends as its never going to happen. I've also told myself that the FWB thing is probably not going to happen either, she may even just be suggesting that to keep me around or see if my response gives her validation.

I'm really torn because I really want to hear from her but hate the insincere 'just checking in' texts. She dumped me and moved on in a really cruel fashion but now she gets to decide when to text me and that we're going to be friends?

I know I should block her but my feelings for her are still too strong and I just can't bring myself to do it. She also pleaded with me not to do that in a text.

I've told her that I still love her and if we can't be together, she needs to leave me alone but she doesn't seem to acknowledge my wishes.

[Breakingpoint13]

B1987,

I have really struggled if you read over my story. My ex decieded to send me pic of him and his new gf along with how amazing she is. He is blocked on everything . I week after our last conversation he tried calling me late in the night of a withheld number. I hated seeing his picture in my blocked contacts because he knew I could see this and was purposely changing it to things that would get my attention. So I changed my number.

I just had too, as much as I long for that apology, he treated me awfully. To the point I didnt want to live any more. When I think I miss him I just remind myself of what he has done, and that the person I loved doesnt exist. No matter what he says or does now it wont change just what he has done to me. I didnt deserve it. Reading anything he will write or seeing him will just mess with my head more, because he cant tell the truth anyway. It also wont change anything. I will never go back because I know someone that genuinely loved or cared for me wouldnt put me through what they did.

I know its hard, but try and think about you, and your needs, what will help you and be best for you, contact will not help.

[B1987]

Thank you Breakingpoint 13, I remember your story and hope things have calmed down for you?

It's frightening how little regard they have for our mental health and wellbeing! I know that NC is ultimately the best for me, and I hate waiting around for the next time she decides to check on me!

[Breakingpoint13]

That's what I felt, it was making me anxious, so I took control and changed what I could.

Have you not considered blocking her?

[B1987]

No, I'm not ready to yet. I know it's for the best but I'm still attached and can't do that to her even though it would be deserved.

[Breakingpoint13]

It's not about her and what she may or may not deserve, its about you. As so many people have helped me on this forum, put the focus back on you.  She is only thinking of herself, she has only ever thought of herself.

[once removed]

I feel she purposefully wants to mess with my head and stop me moving on.

more than likely, its a reflection of the confusion in her own head than a desire to mess with yours.

having said that, its selfish and insensitive, and the result is the same.

I know I should block her but my feelings for her are still too strong and I just can't bring myself to do it. She also pleaded with me not to do that in a text.

I've told her that I still love her and if we can't be together, she needs to leave me alone but she doesn't seem to acknowledge my wishes.

dont just keep reiterating your wishes to someone, expecting them to follow them. say it once, maybe twice, and then change how you deal with it. shes not in the head space to put herself in your shoes, and may not understand the impact it has on you.

so change your game plan. live your own wishes.

youre torn between wanting her back, wanting the friends with benefits thing, and wanting her to just go away. its understandable. the process of detaching isnt easy. but believe me when i say that attachment is keeping you in this position more than just her reaching out. i was in a similar position when i came here.

pick one. commit to it. if you want her to go away, you dont necessarily have to block her, you just need to commit to letting go, expend no energy, and slowly but surely, she will drop it and fade away. that wont be easy. on some level, youre attached to, and pained by the attention. but the trick is not to keep reiterating your wishes, or to engage in these discussions about the status of your relationship. thats prolonging it, and she responds by trying harder. for example, if she tells you she wants to check in with you every month, you can say something like "sure, you can do that", knowing that she wont follow through, and having no expectations, but it sucks all the air out of the urge she has to hang on. if she reaches out, be boring. take a while to respond, and between responses. when you do, be cool. be confident. dont put your feelings and your heart on the line. take the difficult but necessary steps to detach, one at a time.