Trying to divorce someone with BDP

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Hi All,

I have been no-contact with my borderline ex-partner, to whom I am married (in bad circumstances), for about 3 months. I did not officially declare that I was going no contact, but I just stopped responding to anything, at a time when she was making false allegations to my employer and causing constant trouble at work (in the end I just quit my job) among other things. She has also previously threatened me with a knife and to be honest, I was genuinely afraid of her for a long time.

She has recently increased the number of emails she is sending (sending about 20 a day, all from different email accounts, so it's impossible to block them). The main request is that I video call her on the phone - she says she won't answer an email. I expect that I will be receiving another 20 or so emails, throughout the day, for a while yet.

The possible advantage of talking is that we can, possibly, make arrangements about the divorce, and that she might stop stalking/harassing behaviours (she has written a very long and libelous blog/website, etc). I'm also worried about her (not as much as I used to be, though), and it seems to me possible that, if I called her, without really much to say, she might stop obsessing over the phone call, which I can imagine she has now built up to be a significant thing, a kind of horizon of her life, even though it will change nothing. It seems possible that I could deflate things by calling, and maybe it would help her to see that a phone call is not such a big deal, that there is nothing that can help our relationship (it has been well and truly over for at least a year) and help her to move on. I genuinely don't think she is seeking to restart a relationship, but is more just desperate to communicate with someone. She is extremely socially isolated, and it's possible she's not in touch with friends/family. But at the same time, it would be the end of this period of non-contact, the longest so far, which is by far my preferred to state - I wouldn't be intending to fully up the call by being fully open to communication, because of what has happened in the past. I can't really function normally when I'm not in no-contact. It would also be affirming me as a person that she can always contact, instead of contacting her family, which would be a much healthier thing for her to do, I think.

Any advice? Happy to give more detail if needed.

Cheers!

[confusingsituati]

Hi All,

I have been no-contact with my borderline ex-partner, to whom I am married (in bad circumstances), for about 3 months. I did not officially declare that I was going no contact, but I just stopped responding to anything, at a time when she was making false allegations to my employer and causing constant trouble at work (in the end I just quit my job) among other things. She has also previously threatened me with a knife and to be honest, I was genuinely afraid of her for a long time.

She has recently increased the number of emails she is sending (sending about 20 a day, all from different email accounts, so it's impossible to block them). The main request is that I video call her on the phone - she says she won't answer an email. I expect that I will be receiving another 20 or so emails, throughout the day, for a while yet.

The possible advantage of talking is that we can, possibly, make arrangements about the divorce, and that she might stop stalking/harassing behaviours (she has written a very long and libelous blog/website, etc). I'm also worried about her (not as much as I used to be, though), and it seems to me possible that, if I called her, without really much to say, she might stop obsessing over the phone call, which I can imagine she has now built up to be a significant thing, a kind of horizon of her life, even though it will change nothing. It seems possible that I could deflate things by calling, and maybe it would help her to see that a phone call is not such a big deal, that there is nothing that can help our relationship (it has been well and truly over for at least a year) and help her to move on. I genuinely don't think she is seeking to restart a relationship, but is more just desperate to communicate with someone. She is extremely socially isolated, and it's possible she's not in touch with friends/family. But at the same time, it would be the end of this period of non-contact, the longest so far, which is by far my preferred to state - I wouldn't be intending to fully up the call by being fully open to communication, because of what has happened in the past. I can't really function normally when I'm not in no-contact. It would also be affirming me as a person that she can always contact, instead of contacting her family, which would be a much healthier thing for her to do, I think.

Any advice? Happy to give more detail if needed.

Cheers!

[ForeverDad]

It would be good to document (by snapshots, webpage saving or download) what she has posted about you.  These days you never know when that documentation might be deleted.

Also, it would be much less complicated to annul or divorce now early in a marriage rather than years later with disputed assets, debts, two kids and another on the way.

[yeeter]

If she wants the same things as you do, then sure engage and give it to her (since it is what you want as well) - which sounds like amicable divorce.  'The easy way' is always best/cheapest in divorce.

Unfortunately that is often not possible.  She might 'say' that it is but always find a reason not to follow through with next steps.  And this can go on for a long time and waste a lot of time and energy and $ in the process.

You have to make an assessment - if you can get it the easy way then sure.  But if that is not looking likely, dont spend exorbitant amounts of time and energy chasing something that isnt possible and just force it 'the hard way'.  Find a lawyer you can stomach and have at it, there is no reasoning with unreasonable people.

(a lawyer can tell you what your legal options are)

[confusingsituati]

Thank you for your advice so far.

I think, in theory, it should be easy enough to get a divorce. I don't know where you she lives and I doubt she will allow herself to be contacted by any lawyer - she sends emails, but creates a new email address every time - she has about 20.

I am basically planning to get a divorce by default. We weren't in a relationship for long, and neither of us have any meaningful savings, and we have nothing shared in common, and as I understand it, if no one can contact her for a certain amount of time, then we will just be automatically divorced as long as I complete the necessary paperwork.

I am freaking out a bit today because she has started to threaten, albeit it very vaguely, myself and my family, sending mass emails from different accounts saying we will 'get what's coming' 'one-hundred fold' etc etc.

In general I don't think she is particularly violent, just threatening. Is it a good idea to report things like this to the police, do you reckon? The problem is that it's very hard to convince myself that it's 100% the case that these are meaningless threats, even though on some level I know she's not capable of serious violence.

[ForeverDad]

Now is the time to consult with a few family law attorneys and decide which to select.  You should hear some common strategies.  One solution is for a lawyer to publish a divorce case notification a couple times in a few local newspapers.  Historically that is considered "notice".  Then the case might be "continued" a couple times to be sure she has an opportunity to respond.  Then the court rubber stamps a final decree.

Whether a lawyer would try to track her down by whatever email or phone numbers you do have, I don't know.  That's why you get local legal advice which peer support can't provide.

Whether you need to retain (hire) a lawyer or simply follow a lawyer's general guidance, hard to say.  Initial consultations are usually free or minimal expense.  A lot depends, of course, on whether she responds or not.