How to get your partner to acknowledge this issue and treat it

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

It’s my first post here. My wife of 16 years has BPD but really has yet to own that fact. She was in therapy for about 10 years but only like once a month and I would sit in sometimes and as soon as the therapist tried to get to any real meat my wife would get very defensive and even walked out on a few. She stopped going about 2 years ago. I still see that same therapist once a month to sharpen my tools to cope with this.

We’re on vacation and in the midst of some disregulation right now. It is text book BPD. Whenever I try to bring up that she needs therapy for this and that life can be better her response is that she’s be better off without me. This comes up often.

Has anyone had a hard time getting their loved one to do something about it?  And has anyone successfully overcome that?  I have an 8 year old son that I of course adore.  I try to shield him from this as much as possible but he’s getting older and can see things. The thought of divorce is painful for me especially with the fact that I wouldn’t see my son each day. I can cope with a lot to make sure I see him. The really frustrating part for me is that when I read about BPD it fits her perfectly and while I was thrilled to put a name to this it seems like with some ownership and on her part this could be managed.

Right now she takes lexapro for anxiety but that’s it. Chooses to medicate with acupuncture, marijuana, and alcohol.

I’m sure more will come to my mind after I post this but it already feels good to put this own in writing.

[Njhubby]

Hi All,

It’s my first post here. My wife of 16 years has BPD but really has yet to own that fact. She was in therapy for about 10 years but only like once a month and I would sit in sometimes and as soon as the therapist tried to get to any real meat my wife would get very defensive and even walked out on a few. She stopped going about 2 years ago. I still see that same therapist once a month to sharpen my tools to cope with this.

We’re on vacation and in the midst of some disregulation right now. It is text book BPD. Whenever I try to bring up that she needs therapy for this and that life can be better her response is that she’s be better off without me. This comes up often.

Has anyone had a hard time getting their loved one to do something about it?  And has anyone successfully overcome that?  I have an 8 year old son that I of course adore.  I try to shield him from this as much as possible but he’s getting older and can see things. The thought of divorce is painful for me especially with the fact that I wouldn’t see my son each day. I can cope with a lot to make sure I see him. The really frustrating part for me is that when I read about BPD it fits her perfectly and while I was thrilled to put a name to this it seems like with some ownership and on her part this could be managed.

Right now she takes lexapro for anxiety but that’s it. Chooses to medicate with acupuncture, marijuana, and alcohol.

I’m sure more will come to my mind after I post this but it already feels good to put this own in writing.

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[pursuingJoy]

Hi Njhubby! Welcome to BPDFamily 

I still see that same therapist once a month to sharpen my tools to cope with this.

Glad to hear you're getting some support with this.
 

We’re on vacation and in the midst of some disregulation right now.

Whenever I try to bring up that she needs therapy for this and that life can be better her response is that she’s be better off without me.

What does her dysregulation look like?  It's likely that your response about getting therapy feels invalidating to her. It's really easy to invalidate someone with BPD, and we do it for a host of reasons - sometimes we're trying to fix it, sometimes we're upset. Check out this great article on invalidating, it's at the top of the screen under the tools tab.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Has anyone had a hard time getting their loved one to do something about it? 

You've asked the million dollar question. Most of us wish our BPD loved ones were willing to get help. Some do, and improve. Most don't.

The good news is that you can improve the dynamic in the relationship by understanding BPD and changing your own behavior.

[Njhubby]

Thanks for the reply.

Her dysregulation takes a few different forms depending on where and when it happens. On this particular trip it’s her seeing life through a lens that everyone here isn’t taking her feelings into account and basically everyone is out to get her. Of course most of the negative energy comes my way because it’s my family. With an objective lens none of that is true but this is a cycle I see often.

I’ll definitely  check out that article. One of the things I focus on in therapy is validation and sometimes it’s not easy for me when she’s acting irrational. That’s a tool I really need to learn.

I guess I need to get to a place where I’m willing and able to change my behavior enough to try and make things as smooth as possible at home but keep my self respect. I often wonder if I could look at myself from the outside if I’d wonder why I wouldn’t just leave. I really grapple with that.

[pursuingJoy]

On this particular trip it’s her seeing life through a lens that everyone here isn’t taking her feelings into account and basically everyone is out to get her. Of course most of the negative energy comes my way because it’s my family.

Can you share a specific example of something that happens and how she responds? Does it really just affect you or other people too? It gives us a better idea of what's going on.

I think it's interesting that it happened on vacation. Have you noticed that her behavior seems worse on special holidays or events?

it’s not easy for me when she’s acting irrational.

You are preaching to the choir. This is absolutely THE most difficult thing for me too. The article I shared talks about not validating the INvalid, which I sometimes do when there's dysregulation. This doesn't come naturally and sometimes my brain just feels drained from thinking so hard.

I often wonder if I could look at myself from the outside if I’d wonder why I wouldn’t just leave. I really grapple with that.

Many folks here want or feel pressured by outside forces to leave. Some do leave. I think it's a common thing to grapple with when your spouse has BPD. What you said about keeping your self respect is really key.

You mentioned that she self-medicates. Does it work, to any degree?