Second breakup with uQBPD. Feel confused, need answers or advice.

[bpdconfusion114]

It's been a month since the breakup. We were together for 6.5 years. This is the second one. I'm convinced my ex has Quiet BPD but she's undiagnosed and untreated. We've broken up before; we broke up 3 years ago when I caught her cheating but said other reasons were because of family and school and how everything was weighing down on her. She initiated it. I begged and pleaded that time, and even attempted suicide, but she really didn't want to get back together, so I gave up and went NC for about 3 weeks, she reached out during that time but I blocked her. She reached out again through my friends and threatened suicide so I decided to talk to her and give her a chance. She blamed her sister and friends for pushing her towards the guy and encouraging it. I set a boundary saying that I don't feel comfortable with her getting close to guys because of how she cheated and I felt totally blindsided by that since she kept it so hidden and even lied to me when I suspected her, and she promised to hold and respect that boundary. There was some resentment, and we had a few arguments along the relationship about how I still feel resentful and hurt about what she did and had second thoughts about the second chance I gave her. We did still try to make things work and for the past 2 years it was going well. We had arguments again about how I felt like she was entertaining guys or letting them get close again but those were still resolved; I was pissed off at her hesitation though, and at one point she said that she felt like she made that promise of holding on to my boundary too quickly. This got me pissed off too and we argued about that too. She felt like she should set boundaries as well but I kept trying to remind her and tell her to hold on to her promise. This made me feel really agitated but we still worked things out and I tried to make it up to her because I felt unreasonable in how I acted (I got so frustrated I was starting to swear and get volatile)

Then the pandemic came and for the most part I didn't suspect anything or got worried too much. But this started weighing on her heavily. She seems to have a lot of resentment towards her family and doesn't like staying long in her home, but she seems stuck there. With the way she describes it her family is deeply enmeshed with each other, and her father is being manipulated by her stepmother (who I suspect is a narcissist) into hating them. Her father apparently kicked out her older brother. I was going through a rough time since April of last year because of a painful skin condition that developed and I was pretty irritable and miserable, and I got pretty distant with her because I didn't want to spill over what I was feeling to her. At the start I tried to offer her emotional support because she would vent to me suddenly about her family and her education, but I felt emotionally drained because I felt like I was repeating myself to her - she didn't really take my advice that much and ended up just feeling hopeless, so I would keep my reply short but assertive. I also did this because I wanted to make sure I didn't offend her about her family because one time during an argument she said that she really resented a certain phrase I said: "Your family seems complicated." and that was it. I feel like I can't say much to not offend her so I stuck to being careful. I didn't want to upset her or weigh her down even more with what I was going through so I just kept what I was feeling to myself, mostly, but I did spill some to her but kept it limited, I didn't want to make her feel emotionally drained as well. I had a gut feeling that she was hiding something and I was right: she was apparently going through Discord servers trying to find support for BPD because she suspects she has it, and when we talked about this she seemed to have been embarrassed and ashamed. She tried to break up with me back in October because she feels like she couldn't handle everything apparently, and that she's been feeling empty and depressed and wants to talk to a counselor or therapist. I eventually convinced her to stay by trying to affirm that I'm not there to control her or abandon her, and offered to find her a therapist and pay for her therapy, though she refused. This will come back to bite me in the ass later.

She broke up with me again a month ago and it felt totally blindsided. She was cold. She said it was because of the past (she feels like everything is on repeat) and the pressure, and that she feels like all of the pressure mounting up is causing her to freeze up. She wanted to isolate herself and get rid of social media which was the only way I could contact her at this time. At first I tried to stay calm, asked questions, but it wasn't going anywhere - she would give vague answers or passive-aggressive ones and it ended up making me feel frustrated and unable to find a resolution. She would take hours to reply but I just kept thinking to myself it was because she was busy or her family is there. Eventually I just exploded and went off at her because she kept repeating her decision to isolate and ignored my questions, I couldn't control myself, I feel like I wasn't being heard, I mentioning things that happened in the past and in our past arguments, and I mentioned therapy. I told her "Actually, I want you to talk to a psychologist or a therapist so that you'd see the implications of what you're doing!" and she got really cold after that. I think it triggered her. She told me to let her be, and then never replied. I sent her more messages but there was no reply. I took some time off to cool myself down and said a day later that I would respect her decision. But I blocked her impulsively (partly because my friends encouraged it too) and then unblocked her because I felt like I wasn't being fair to her... I tried to reach out after 3 weeks, and found out she blocked me. I was devastated. She wouldn't return my calls or anything. Tried to reach out 3 days after her birthday too on my old account, nothing. I eventually blocked her again because I was so hurt. There's been nothing since then. She seems to be active on her other social media besides Facebook, so this confused me even more because of her reasons.

I really feel so confused and blindsided. I don't know how to feel about myself. I feel like I might have gone too far with how I reacted too, and that I really feel that I might have been abusive because of how I handled myself in our arguments, and the fact that I feel like I had been emotionally distant recently. I'm inclined to believe she might have Quiet BPD because of how she internalized everything and tended to hate herself, often times she hated or resented her family and it scared me. At one point, she blamed me for her self-harm because of how we were arguing (this was during our first breakup) and it made me feel terrible because I didn't want to hurt her. But I feel like I might just be projecting and attributing this to her when I'm the one with the problem. I feel like everything she's been doing is because I was abusing her or causing her to act this way, because I've been to controlling and unreasonable. I want to work things out, but I'm at an embargo here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It sounds as if this relationship was volatile on both sides. To have a successful relationship with a person with BPD, you have to be the emotional leader.

Here is an article that gives a good overview of what is involved:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[bpdconfusion114]

It sounds as if this relationship was volatile on both sides. To have a successful relationship with a person with BPD, you have to be the emotional leader.

Here is an article that gives a good overview of what is involved:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Yes, this is why I feel as if I was abusive. I felt like I was too controlling, and that I was too unreasonable - what if asserting my boundaries wasn't the right way to go? I feel insecure due to what's happened in the past, and I do try to invest and build trust in her, but when I feel like she's breaking her promise, I see that she's being ingenuine and dishonest, and it tends to make me anxious for fear that she's hiding something from me again. It's an issue I've always tried to talk to her about, but even after having discussions about it, she seems to be unable to grasp it. It's frustrating. I've tried compromising and making it up to her whenever I feel like I react to strongly, but I feel exhausted and honestly, that my needs and promises are being neglected...

[Cat Familiar]

Boundaries are for you to determine what is OK for you and what is not. They are NOT a way to control someone else’s behavior.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

For example, you can have a boundary about cheating. “I’m not going to be in a relationship with a partner who cheats.” If she cheats, you end the relationship. Period.

There’s a subtle nuance here in that your behavior is contingent upon what she does. You are not preventing her from cheating. Instead, you’re telling her what you will do should she cheat.

Many people *set* boundaries but then don’t follow up on consequences they have said they’ll implement.

“I told her my phone is private, but she read my old texts to my ex, but it was just this time, so I’m going to let it slide, because she will get mad at me if I make a big deal of it.”

Do not set boundaries you are not willing to enforce. If you don’t enforce them, you lose credibility and other more important boundaries will become meaningless to your partner.

[bpdconfusion114]

Boundaries are for you to determine what is OK for you and what is not. They are NOT a way to control someone else’s behavior.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

For example, you can have a boundary about cheating. “I’m not going to be in a relationship with a partner who cheats.” If she cheats, you end the relationship. Period.

There’s a subtle nuance here in that your behavior is contingent upon what she does. You are not preventing her from cheating. Instead, you’re telling her what you will do should she cheat.

Many people *set* boundaries but then don’t follow up on consequences they have said they’ll implement.

“I told her my phone is private, but she read my old texts to my ex, but it was just this time, so I’m going to let it slide, because she will get mad at me if I make a big deal of it.”

Do not set boundaries you are not willing to enforce. If you don’t enforce them, you lose credibility and other more important boundaries will become meaningless to your partner.

When I try to assert my boundaries to her I try to talk and reminder her about it, sometimes I would be angry but that would subside and I'd try to talk to her upon finding a middle ground, though at times I do feel that I push her towards making a decision. Is that controlling her? I'm a bit confused about what you mean here, but I've always felt my approach then was a form of enforcing it and asserting it. I don't want to rush into breaking up with her over it, but I'd just like her to act accordingly to what she promised.

There's been talk of adaptive boundaries elsewhere from what I've read, is her behavior a manifestation of adaptive boundaries? Is this what she was trying to do? 

[babyducks]

I set a boundary saying that I don't feel comfortable with her getting close to guys because of how she cheated

hello and welcome ...    

technically speaking this is not a boundary.       it could be a preference.   or it could be perceived as a condition.   it is not a boundary.    

a boundary ... like Cat mentioned ... is about what you will do.    a couple of examples:

If you light up a cigarette near me I will get up and leave.
If you call me names or swear at me I will end the conversation.
If you develop an emotional or physical intimacy with other guys, I can no longer be in a relationship with you.

There was some resentment, and we had a few arguments along the relationship about how I still feel resentful and hurt about what she did and had second thoughts about the second chance I gave her.../../.. This made me feel really agitated but we still worked things out and I tried to make it up to her because I felt unreasonable in how I acted (I got so frustrated I was starting to swear and get volatile)

what you are describing sounds like a great deal of conflict and negativity.    my experience is that to be in relationship with a BPD you have to have healthy mature coping skills and very good communications skills.     there is a saying here that it takes a great deal of strength to be in a relationship with some one who has BPD or some of the traits of the disorder.

 Eventually I just exploded and went off at her because she kept repeating her decision to isolate and ignored my questions, I couldn't control myself, I feel like I wasn't being heard, I mentioning things that happened in the past and in our past arguments, and I mentioned therapy. I told her "Actually, I want you to talk to a psychologist or a therapist so that you'd see the implications of what you're doing!" and she got really cold after that. I think it triggered her.

It would have been beyond triggering to me.   actually it would have made me quite angry.    the basic simple truth is we do not get to control what our pwBPD (people with BPD) do.   we only get to control what we do and say.     when emotions and tempers are rising during a conversation it is always better to take a break, walk away and come back to it later.

But I blocked her impulsively (partly because my friends encouraged it too) and then unblocked her because I felt like I wasn't being fair to her... I tried to reach out after 3 weeks, and found out she blocked me. I was devastated. She wouldn't return my calls or anything. Tried to reach out 3 days after her birthday too on my old account, nothing. I eventually blocked her again because I was so hurt. There's been nothing since then.

repetitive cycles of blocking, unblocking, cyber stalking is not a healthy adult coping tool.     its a way to establish control and punishment.     its damaging.  

 

But I feel like I might just be projecting and attributing this to her when I'm the one with the problem. I feel like everything she's been doing is because I was abusing her or causing her to act this way, because I've been to controlling and unreasonable. I want to work things out, but I'm at an embargo here.

one of the truths you see over and over again here on these boards is each of us brings our own stuff to a dysfunctional relationship.   I certainly did.    its not usually an accident that we end up in a relationship with some one who either has a serious mental illness or the traits of one.   its a good step that you are willing to be open to talking about things.  

[babyducks]

When I try to assert my boundaries to her I try to talk and reminder her about it, sometimes I would be angry but that would subside and I'd try to talk to her upon finding a middle ground, though at times I do feel that I push her towards making a decision. Is that controlling her? I'm a bit confused about what you mean here, but I've always felt my approach then was a form of enforcing it and asserting it. I don't want to rush into breaking up with her over it, but I'd just like her to act accordingly to what she promised.

my two cents?    yes that is controlling her.   you assert your boundaries by taking action on what you are doing or not doing.   Not by taking action on what she is doing or not doing.

"If you talk to X, I won't speak to you."    is attempting to control her behavior with a threat.

"When I see you talking to X, I feel uncomfortable and I will take a break from sharing time with you."    this is more an attempt to own your feelings and act on them.   

can you see the difference?

[bpdconfusion114]

my two cents?    yes that is controlling her.   you assert your boundaries by taking action on what you are doing or not doing.   Not by taking action on what she is doing or not doing.

"If you talk to X, I won't speak to you."    is attempting to control her behavior with a threat.

"When I see you talking to X, I feel uncomfortable and I will take a break from sharing time with you."    this is more an attempt to own your feelings and act on them.   

can you see the difference?

My first few attempts were actually the latter. The problem is that she would keep doing it unless I give an ultimatum.

The trauma of the first breakup is actually still there for me but I've been working towards it. The thing is, she hasn't really been as transparent as she promised when she came back. It's made it harder for me to rebuild the trust. Especially when that first breakup involved someone else that she was emotionally intimate to, and who she kept hidden but kept giving hints about. If I did ask her, she gave passive-aggressive answers and vague reasons, then stonewall me.

I've compromised so much towards understanding her and her situation. The resentment comes from that, I guess.

I've come to terms with how controlling I was, but I've also realized this is also from the fact that I tried to do it to compensate for her lack of investment in the relationship. I was not introduced to her family and friends. Nothing about her profile would suggest that she was in a relationship. When she was also entertaining other guys, she doesn't mention she's in a relationship. I really tried to make her understand before in a more lenient approach, but it goes no where. It just continues.  At times I thought she would do it deliberately to make me jealous. It's made me feel very insecure about it. My fears were found to be correct when the first breakup happened.  I just don't want to risk that happening again. When it came to her, it was the opposite. She would attack girls using my profile (I gave her access) and made me block them. I got used to this behavior, understood her when she gave her reasons, and thought it was acceptable behavior to apply to her too. At least she's stopped doing that after the first breakup. There were times where I would not share what I would feel because I tried to silently understand her, suppress what I've felt, because I was afraid of further complicating things between us - then again I think that just did more harm than good because it would spill over into our arguments. She wouldn't talk about problems first or if something was bothering her, I had to try and read through her texts to get a hint or prod her for the true answer. Then when she breaks up with me, it just comes out of the blue. I'm left confused. Overall... it just felt... inconsistent, ambiguous? That's the best word I could describe it.

I think I've been traumatized by it all, and my emotional instability stems from all the aforementioned stuff just piling up. I've arranged for a psychiatric consultation to pinpoint my problems and then I'll try going for consistent therapy.

[babyducks]

The trauma of the first breakup is actually still there for me but I've been working towards it. The thing is, she hasn't really been as transparent as she promised when she came back. It's made it harder for me to rebuild the trust.

this is not an unusual story here.    all of us arrived here in the middle of crisis.    many arrive here with significant stories of abuse, betrayal and emotional dysfunction.   it is hard to rebuild trust ... made more so by the fact our partners suffer from a mental illness and damaging issues with shame and blame.

I've compromised so much towards understanding her and her situation. The resentment comes from that, I guess.

that's an interesting thought.    from a different perspective I would suggest the resentment comes from you ignoring your own values and standards.     that you are doing/saying things that go against your own principles to maintain this relationship.

I've come to terms with how controlling I was, but I've also realized this is also from the fact that I tried to do it to compensate for her lack of investment in the relationship.

upstream Cat Familiar gave you a link... some where in that link is the question,   "is this relationship even available to you?"     it is a fair question.     in your best assessment,   is this a relationship that is available to you?  or even was available to you?

When it came to her, it was the opposite. She would attack girls using my profile (I gave her access) and made me block them. I got used to this behavior, understood her when she gave her reasons, and thought it was acceptable behavior to apply to her too.

do you still think this is acceptable behavior?    the blocking and sharing access to your profile?

I had to try and read through her texts to get a hint or prod her for the true answer. Then when she breaks up with me, it just comes out of the blue. I'm left confused. Overall... it just felt... inconsistent, ambiguous? That's the best word I could describe it.

pwBPD have highly intense emotions that change rapidly.   there is a lot of push/pull that goes on.    I love you come here, I hate you go away.     they have trouble expressing emotions/feelings in ways that understandable.      prodding her for the true answer was probably not productive because her feelings change rapidly.     what was true in one moment was not true in the next.

I think I've been traumatized by it all, and my emotional instability stems from all the aforementioned stuff just piling up. I've arranged for a psychiatric consultation to pinpoint my problems and then I'll try going for consistent therapy.

from what you describe - there was a lot of dysfunction.    anger.   resentment.   lack of trust.    lack of honesty.   porous or not existent personal boundaries.   we all bring our own relationship skills into our relationship with a pwBPD.     there is a saying here that it is important to learn from our relationship.   that figuring out what happened and why is what we 'get' from our relationship.     I learned a lot from my relationship.    I became a better person from what I went through.

'ducks