New here

[Rose249]

My mother has BPD, I was married to a male version of her and have divorced him and have limited contact.    I’m NC with my mother after many years of trying to set limits with her and having those limits violated.   My sadness is that my children have no grandmother as a result.  And my enmeshed siblings have withdrawn from me and my kids too due to my going NC with BPD mom.   Still I’m ok with that because it’s healthier this way.  But it’s lonely.   And I see my kids sad because of the isolation and no family to speak of.   I had an incredible partner who was the missing link to our family and we were healthy and happy together and he died of a brain tumor in January.  I’m just finally letting myself grieve and process this all and losing him is bringing up all sorts of abandonment feelings due to BPD mom.   Found this site and thought if nothing else I could find some fellowship here.  Thanks for listening.

[pursuingJoy]

Rose249 welcome. Big hug to you from all of us here. My goodness you've been through some trying times. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. You were blessed to have his love and influence on your family. I hope you find some comfort in the memories.

There are many here that can relate to having a BPD mom and how much it affected the entire family system. It is lonely, even if it is the better and chosen over the alternative. We get it.

pj

 

[Methuen]

Hi Rose249,

Welcome to our family here.  First my condolences on the loss of your incredible partner last January.  Grieving is important, and it's very good (and healthy) that you are allowing yourself to go through this process.  

My sadness is that my children have no grandmother as a result.  And my enmeshed siblings have withdrawn from me and my kids too due to my going NC with BPD mom.   Still I’m ok with that because it’s healthier this way.  But it’s lonely.   And I see my kids sad because of the isolation and no family to speak of.

I am an only child with BPD mom (85 yrs).  There is no other family (aunts, uncles, cousins). There is no family support. This forum has become a different kind of family, because everyone here understands the issues and complexities that come with having a BPD person in our life.  It is powerful to have a community of people who "get it".  

You are grieving now, which makes the loneliness that comes with distancing yourself from a BPD family feel more profound.  As you work your way through the grieving, I am hopeful that you will find ways to foster different close relationships in your life.  They won't replace the family you have lost, or don't have contact with, but they will be healthy and bring you joy.  That is the more peaceful way to lead your life.  There is still a hole in my life, because as an only child I never had siblings or close family, but I have managed to mostly fill that hole with other healthy relationships.  That is the best we can do.

Many people on this board who have gone NC with their family share the same feeling of loss and loneliness as you.  Sometimes when a person goes NC with the BPD, it also isolates from the rest of the family.  It sounds like this is what you are experiencing.

I am so sorry you lost your partner, and support.  But I am hopeful that as you move through the grieving process (however long that takes), you will find your resilience, and continue to move forward.  You've got this. And we're here for you.

To the point that your kids are sad because of the isolation, can you tell us more about this?  Are they missing seeing cousins?  Are they sad about it because you are sad about it?