I did it.

[Scarredheart]

She didn't want to meet face to face, so I had to send her an email. I wrote a massively long email trying to share not only my reasons for requesting the divorce, but I tried to share my heart with her as well. I knew that she probably wouldn't absorb any of it, but I thought if there was even 1% chance that something I said would sink in, it was worth it. I spent almost all day yesterday writing and re-writing it, trying to bring my thoughts and feelings across to her without coming across as cruel or disrespectful while still holding firm to express my pain and let her know that I love her, but I cannot survive this relationship if I stay because of the actions she's taken.

She responded within thirty minutes.

I expected anger, or pleading, but what I got was much worse to me.

She responded with apathy and indifference. She accepted the fact that I was asking for a divorce, agreed that it could be amicable, but chalked her behavior up to social anxiety and addiction. She didn't address a single point I made, or even acknowledge any of the pain I communicated. She simply ended it with "If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me."

It was such a short email. I really would have preferred anything to what I got. Once again it makes me wonder "Did I ever mean anything to her?" I'll never know.

One day at a time.

[Sappho11]

From what I've both experienced myself and also read from other members, there seems to be a moment in every BPD relationship where the realisation sets in that the pwBPD was only ever in the relationship to fulfil their own egotistical needs, with zero regard for those of their partner.

It hurts, but like ripping off a bandaid, it's a pivotal moment. It's the moment when you realise something is wrong, has been wrong, has always been wrong, and you're suddenly reclaiming yourself and your own, unadulterated perspective.

It hurts now, but it also means you're already on your way to healing.

[Scarredheart]

From what I've both experienced myself and also read from other members, there seems to be a moment in every BPD relationship where the realisation sets in that the pwBPD was only ever in the relationship to fulfil their own egotistical needs, with zero regard for those of their partner.

It hurts, but like ripping off a bandaid, it's a pivotal moment. It's the moment when you realise something is wrong, has been wrong, has always been wrong, and you're suddenly reclaiming yourself and your own, unadulterated perspective.

It hurts now, but it also means you're already on your way to healing.

I know you're right. That on some level she thought she loved me, but she never understood what love was. I was supposed to be her hero and nothing more. It's a hard reality to face after ten years, but  I'll have to just take it a day at a time and keep taking little steps until I heal.

[Selfishsally]

Sappho11- that was beautifully said! So true!
 

Scarredheart-   I am a woman of few words as well and I could see myself saying something dumb like what you recieved in that email response from her.  It can be very hard to really understand and communicate feelings and it seems like it was  something she really was not ready to face since she couldn't even meet with you in person. I hope you can find closure in your healing.

[Scarredheart]

Scarredheart-   I am a woman of few words as well and I could see myself saying something dumb like what you recieved in that email response from her.  It can be very hard to really understand and communicate feelings and it seems like it was  something she really was not ready to face since she couldn't even meet with you in person. I hope you can find closure in your healing.

Thanks. I don't ever expect to find closure, but I'm hoping I find peace.

[Selfishsally]

Thanks. I don't ever expect to find closure, but I'm hoping I find peace.

And you will find peace!

[Goosey]

I type a email several times a week always to never send.
   Devastating it has been.
    I am trying a different tact. Recalling how I “rescued “ her. How her past partners created so much damage bla bla bla. Hell she was cute and idolized me, I knew it was impossible all these supposed issues could have been total truth, I jus cleaned it up.
And honestly I don’t think she ever had contact with the past partner(s) in our twenty year marriage. 
     But now I am them. I am the villain.
 No heart felt email is getting through the wall.
Painted black.
  Jealous I don’t have that power quite yet.

[Scarredheart]

And you will find peace!

 

[Scarredheart]

     But now I am them. I am the villain.

I hear that. My wife had always told me that her previous relationships were always abusive. I've been wondering, will I join that list of abusive men? I'll probably never know, but it saddens me to think that she would either consciously or unconsciously re-write our history to something that horrible. I always wanted go see her heal. To have her see herself as beautiful, valuable, unique and special. I'd hate to think that she may sink back into that kind of pattern, but it's something I have to let go of. I'd go insane just thinking about it.

[yeeter]

I hear that. My wife had always told me that her previous relationships were always abusive. I've been wondering, will I join that list of abusive men? I'll probably never know, but it saddens me to think that she would either consciously or unconsciously re-write our history to something that horrible. I always wanted go see her heal. To have her see herself as beautiful, valuable, unique and special. I'd hate to think that she may sink back into that kind of pattern, but it's something I have to let go of. I'd go insane just thinking about it.

It is very likely this will happen.  After all, taking responsibility is something she is lacking.  So by default the 'failure' of the relationship has to project elsewhere - which means you.

You do have to let go of it.

When you hear the first hints they will sting.  You will want to JADE and correct.  But after a while you will learn that almost everybody will think 'there are two sides to every story'.  You can share your views and narrative with those that are close to you and that you care about.  The rest I wouldnt spend any time on (at the end of the day, unless it impacts them directly, most people just dont care and feel private matters should remain private)

 With luck it doesnt happen.  But if it does, do not let it bother you - keep your sanity.

[Scarredheart]

It is very likely this will happen.  After all, taking responsibility is something she is lacking.  So by default the 'failure' of the relationship has to project elsewhere - which means you.

You do have to let go of it.

When you hear the first hints they will sting.  You will want to JADE and correct.  But after a while you will learn that almost everybody will think 'there are two sides to every story'.  You can share your views and narrative with those that are close to you and that you care about.  The rest I wouldnt spend any time on (at the end of the day, unless it impacts them directly, most people just dont care and feel private matters should remain private)

 With luck it doesnt happen.  But if it does, do not let it bother you - keep your sanity.

Exactly. I agree. I have to walk away from these thoughts and the other ones that drive me crazy, that I'll never have the answers to. I'm a very analytical person. I don't like having something important in my life that I can't explain. One of the most important parts of my life was my wife, my marriage. There is SO MUCH about what's happened with her that she can't or won't explain, and I simply have to accept that if she can't or won't explain her erratic behavior, I certainly won't be able to. As much as that kills me to step away from something so important, I can't allow myself to be held hostage by the unknown.

[yeeter]

Exactly. I agree. I have to walk away from these thoughts and the other ones that drive me crazy, that I'll never have the answers to. I'm a very analytical person. I don't like having something important in my life that I can't explain. One of the most important parts of my life was my wife, my marriage. There is SO MUCH about what's happened with her that she can't or won't explain, and I simply have to accept that if she can't or won't explain her erratic behavior, I certainly won't be able to. As much as that kills me to step away from something so important, I can't allow myself to be held hostage by the unknown.

 

It was a post on this board that summed it up nicely for me:

Quit trying to solve the unsolvable...

[Scarredheart]

It was a post on this board that summed it up nicely for me:

Quit trying to solve the unsolvable...

True.