Flying Monkeys

[Methuen]

Beatricex - thanks for suggesting the paradigm shift.  Switching from anger and hurt to curiousity, and flipping the discomfort back to them is golden.  Just golden.  What a great thread, and use of humour to deal with such dark and hurtful people as what Zachira has described. 

[zachira]

Thank you for all your replies and helpful suggestions, and above all your kindness and generosity. I am realizing I have a lot of work to do on myself as I am here in the midst of the dysfunctional jungle dealing with some life long painful issues, many of which involve legal problems that are particularly overwhelming. I realize I cannot make a joke about my cousin's mean comments and how the family did not stand up for me because it is just too painful. I am likely a target of his cruelty because of the distressed look on my face and being one of the extended family's lifelong scapegoats. For some of the older generations, the abuse is normalized. For the younger generation, I am seeing quite a different dynamic. For two nights in a row, cousins of the younger generation have invited me to dinner. They barely know me. Two years ago, some of the younger generation went out of their way to be kind to me when the family got together for my mother's funeral when I was pretty much ostracized by the older generation, many of whom have been manipulated by the family smear campaign of me and in particular the lifelong smear campaign lead by my NPD sister. I am having a very polarized experience with the community here, many people who are lifelong family friends. There are the narcissists who are allied with my sister who treat me like garbage. Then there are some incredible kind people who always treat me as a worthy valued person. I was asked to be the fill-in hostess for a community event when the original hostess could not do it due to a medical emergency. The thanks and appreciation I received from the three women who had spent enormous amounts of time planning for this event
and others was over the top. I have been invited to a big special community gathering on the weekend. I seem to attract two kinds of people into my life: narcissists and other dysfunctional people, and those who are accomplished and extremely fine people in their own right. I have been working on becoming less of a magnet for narcissistic dysfunctional people. I have a lot of work to do on feeling worthy of the fine treatment I receive from the people who are so ahead of me in being wonderful parents, partners, community leaders, and are authentic in their kindness and generosity.

[beatricex]

hi zachira,
I think when it hits us on the head, that there is a lot of work left to do, that is when we're making real progress.  I say "we" cause I'm there too.  This is hard, and it it painful, and growth and learning are the hardest things I have had to do to overcome my emotional abuse.

You are doing great.  Thanks for coming here and trusting us and thank you for being you, a beautiful open vulnerable person looking for answers and trusting.  Applaud yourself today for what you are doing to take care of yourself, it is huge and because it is so painful, you know you're making progress, that is how you know.
your friend,
 
b

[pursuingJoy]

I have a lot of work to do on feeling worthy of the fine treatment I receive from the people who are so ahead of me in being wonderful parents, partners, community leaders, and are authentic in their kindness and generosity.

It takes courage and humility to appreciate that your younger cousins and these fine, wonderful people are seeking you out. They see your strength, grace, purpose and kindness.

I echo all of what beatricex said.