How do I know if BPD is whats wrong with her?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm 67, she's 64. We have been married 42 years. It was suggested just recently that BPD could be what is affecting her. I do not have a doc's diagnosis, only a few hours going down internet rabbit holes. What I did find out seemed to fit our circumstance but the only 'professional' I have been able to talk to about this said if she is not suicidal, she doesn't have BPD. That is not the way I understood how the condition is diagnosed.

If it is BPD, then I am a big part of why she is not getting better. If it is not BPD, then I need to go in a different direction to fix this before everything is lost.

Any tips, advise, sage words of wisdom from anyone who knows?

[rw1343]

I'm 67, she's 64. We have been married 42 years. It was suggested just recently that BPD could be what is affecting her. I do not have a doc's diagnosis, only a few hours going down internet rabbit holes. What I did find out seemed to fit our circumstance but the only 'professional' I have been able to talk to about this said if she is not suicidal, she doesn't have BPD. That is not the way I understood how the condition is diagnosed.

If it is BPD, then I am a big part of why she is not getting better. If it is not BPD, then I need to go in a different direction to fix this before everything is lost.

Any tips, advise, sage words of wisdom from anyone who knows?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Keep reading here. Many people don’t have enough traits to be formally diagnosed as having BPD, but otherwise their behavior conforms to the diagnosis. Whether or not she gets a diagnosis of BPD, the Tools (see the top of the page) will help in keeping your relationship on a more stable footing.

Here’s a good article about BPD. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

[mitten]

Yes, at first glance of the criteria to be diagnosed with BPD, they might not check all the boxes if they don't self harm, abuse substances, etc.  Have you read up about "High functioning borderline personality disorder"?  I know this clicked for me and my uBPD, high functioning wife.   

[Cat Familiar]

Probably of the members posting here, most people’s significant other would not qualify for a BPD diagnosis, but rather only have traits of BPD. That is enough to make a relationship very difficult.