Terrified - Sister Violent With Our Parents

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, with all the posts I'm seeing, I'm not alone. So hello  

I live in Dallas, and my sister, 47, lives with my parents in Georgia. She has two daughters who live with my parents as well.

It's been a roller coaster for decades. Highs and lows. But I'm constantly terrified someone is going to get seriously hurt, if not killed. In addition to name calling at its highest level, my sister has physically and mentally abused my mother. She has been jailed before for it, but we haven't been able to find a longterm solution. She always ends up back at home, and it goes back to good and then back to bad and the cycle goes on and on.

I worry because not only is my sister violent, but she can bring out violence in others. That's something I thought I'd never say. I don't believe in blaming the victim. But she is so hateful and violent. Her ex abused her, and when she left him, he killed himself. My poor nieces have had to endure trauma I can never imagine.

But my parents are caught in a cycle. They know what they're supposed to do, and things will go well for awhile, but my sister will stop taking her meds, and poke, poke, poke. And things erupt. It's just a nightmare. My sister recently traveled to Houston, where she stayed with a criminal known for violence. He stole all her savings, and my nieces' money too - thousands and thousands of dollars saved up over years. And of course she remains in love with him and doesn't believe he took her money. That money was the only hope my parents had at trying to find an answer in terms of housing and a peaceful situation.

I have signed myself and my parents up for NEABPD Family Connections. Has anyone does this? How does my mom get the tools to deal with my sister? Is it even possible. So many lives have been ruined. And of course, that includes my sister, but it's hard not to be bitter at the destruction she's caused.

[tiredscaredsis]

Well, with all the posts I'm seeing, I'm not alone. So hello  

I live in Dallas, and my sister, 47, lives with my parents in Georgia. She has two daughters who live with my parents as well.

It's been a roller coaster for decades. Highs and lows. But I'm constantly terrified someone is going to get seriously hurt, if not killed. In addition to name calling at its highest level, my sister has physically and mentally abused my mother. She has been jailed before for it, but we haven't been able to find a longterm solution. She always ends up back at home, and it goes back to good and then back to bad and the cycle goes on and on.

I worry because not only is my sister violent, but she can bring out violence in others. That's something I thought I'd never say. I don't believe in blaming the victim. But she is so hateful and violent. Her ex abused her, and when she left him, he killed himself. My poor nieces have had to endure trauma I can never imagine.

But my parents are caught in a cycle. They know what they're supposed to do, and things will go well for awhile, but my sister will stop taking her meds, and poke, poke, poke. And things erupt. It's just a nightmare. My sister recently traveled to Houston, where she stayed with a criminal known for violence. He stole all her savings, and my nieces' money too - thousands and thousands of dollars saved up over years. And of course she remains in love with him and doesn't believe he took her money. That money was the only hope my parents had at trying to find an answer in terms of housing and a peaceful situation.

I have signed myself and my parents up for NEABPD Family Connections. Has anyone does this? How does my mom get the tools to deal with my sister? Is it even possible. So many lives have been ruined. And of course, that includes my sister, but it's hard not to be bitter at the destruction she's caused.

[tiredscaredsis]

I'd like to add, I struggle as a sister. She reaches out to me, and after so many years, I've backed away because that seems better for our relationship. It makes me feel like the worst sister, but when I talk to her, she only wants to say hateful things about everyone I care about. It's hard to digest.

[Notwendy]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It's difficult and heartbreaking.

Although you want to help your parents, the solution to this lies with them. It's also complicated as they surely want to protect their grandchildren, and to do this, they probably feel it's best that the children live with them.

However, as long as your sister doesn't face the consequences of her behavior and has a place to stay and be supported, they are in a sense, enabling her.

To leave your sister to fend for herself could be difficult for them.

Basically, your parents need the counseling. They are the ones who are experiencing the consequences of your sister's behavior. She benefits from their support. So as far as being the one who needs to change- that is on them.

One of my favorite Dr. Phil lines came from a show where there was one dysfunctional adult child and everyone in the family was focused on that person. How can they help her, will she be OK? She did this today, what should we do? It was not BPD but the dynamics were similar.

He said "You are all lost in the woods and looking at a dysfunctional person to lead you out".

He then recommended family counseling. The point being- they need to have professional support to help change the situation. Although it's a TV show, I think he was correct with this advice.

Please read up on the Karpman triangle ( info on this site and internet). This is a common pattern. You see your parents as victims. You are trying to intervene as rescuer. Your sister perceives herself as a victim. Your parents, ( being loving parents) want to help ( rescue) her. When you intervene in this, you become the persecutor in the triangle.

Your parents are doing what parents do. They love their child and want to protect her. However this can also enable the behaviors. For this to change- they have to decide they need to change. They would need to have some "tough love" with your sister. Although you want to help- you are outside this bond. Counseling may help your parents with this situation

[tiredscaredsis]

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

This is something I needed to hear. It's easy to get caught up in this and think I can save everyone, but instead, I feel dragged down with them.

I will still take the NEA BPD course bc I do want to know more about it. But I'll do it for myself.

Thanks for the suggested reading, I will do that as well. I know the only thing I can control is myself, so that's where I'm refocusing.

I truly appreciate your thoughtful insight and I'm grateful for it.

[tiredscaredsis]

And just so you know, notwendy, I read your reply to a few people close to me because it was so spot on and helpful. They all said the same. This is exactly why I came here. Thanks again.

[Notwendy]

I am glad I could help.

I think it's a good idea for you to understand BPD so the class sounds interesting. Also though consider looking into ways you can support you! It's difficult to have a disordered family member. So much focus on them and their issues, but you are important too.

[Methuen]

"You are all lost in the woods and looking at a dysfunctional person to lead you out".

This is so well stated.

Basically, your parents need the counseling. They are the ones who are experiencing the consequences of your sister's behavior. She benefits from their support. So as far as being the one who needs to change- that is on them.

Exactly.  She isn't going to change, so it's up to your parents to change what they are doing.  To cope with this, they will need counselling from someone who has a lot of experience with BPD.  This is going to be hard for them not to continue to rescue, because of the children, and she is going to know and capitalize on that.  It would be good for them to ask the counsellor about their experience with BPD, and get a feeling of whether that person would be a good match or not.  I always say finding the right counsellor is like buying a new house or car, you may have to view or test drive before finding the right match. 

Who has custody of the children?  Her or your parents?