Overcoming fear of being left

[RandomName123456]

This is one of my biggest issues I have in dealing with my pwBPD. When I try to establish boundaries they react in very expected ways. However, they also know my biggest fear is being left. Alone. And they have used this to their advantage multiple times before.

Does anyone have any good advice on how to get over this fear? For instance, I have an ex-wife and this is my pwBPD newest fixation. In discussions with my therapist, I need to set boundaries here. His advice, and what I've done, is to provide a firm period of time I won't talk to my pwBPD when she mentions the exwife. I'm frankly failing at this. For reference I'm currently long-distance with my pwBPD and most communication is via text or video call. When the ex-wife is mentioned I'll normally say once "You know this is a boundary an we are not talking about it." after a couple more messages I'll say, "Ok not talking about my past is a boundary of mine and now I'm going to do XYZ for an hour and then I'll text you."

The onslaught of messages will follow a predictable pattern. It starts with I'm so horrible. Then poor her. Then about how I abandoned her. And finally "insight." The insight moment, normally something like "I shouldn't have said that" "I'm sorry" " I want to change" etc. always draws me back  in. Recently I've been better about sticking to my one hour time-out as to reinforce that and not give in. The issue is then when we call, she seems to always go into "I don't know if I can do this," "I'm not sure I can be with you," "etc" and that sends me into a tailspin and then she will hang up abruptly. This causes me to become irrational myself texting her how much I love her, miss her, only want her, to please answer the phone. She will answer, and of course I'm in tears professing my love for her.

Typing this, I see the issue. Me professing my love is exactly what she gets, its her "fix" and I keep supplying it. Problem is I'm so scared she will leave me, she has in the past for seemingly no reason and then contacts me a day or two later, I don't know how to stop providing this fix and feel safe myself.

Sorry for rambling a bit, I seem to always post here in my emotions are high. Thank you so much to this board though, just typing this stuff out helps me immensely.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EZEarache]

Typing this, I see the issue. Me professing my love is exactly what she gets, its her "fix" and I keep supplying it. Problem is I'm so scared she will leave me, she has in the past for seemingly no reason and then contacts me a day or two later, I don't know how to stop providing this fix and feel safe myself.

Sorry for rambling a bit, I seem to always post here in my emotions are high. Thank you so much to this board though, just typing this stuff out helps me immensely.

Try to envision the things that might actually improve in your life, if she left you. I'm sure it feels like, "my world would be over if we broke up."  This is not reality in most cases. For example, I'm sure there are some things that totally suck about being in a long distance relationship. Maybe you have to drive a long way to see each other, and that is difficult and expensive. So, hey I'd save money if she broke up with me. Don't say this of course, just think it. If you focus on the positives rather than the negatives, it will be easier to accept the threatening behavior. Then you won't fall into her trap.

The problem is, she's so conditioned to receiving the validation at this point, that not giving it to her will generate new dysregulations and fears that you don't love her.

Maybe you can find a different way to validate, that doesn't require her to threaten that she wants to leave you in the first place.

[NonnyMouse]

Try to envision the things that might actually improve in your life, if she left you.

I have a list of things I'd treat myself to, a few luxuries and a holiday in a place I love but she hates! It all helps!

[RandomName123456]

I want to thank you both, and this forum as a whole! I actually read both your replies prior to her texting me.

Tonight was another situation as I described. HOWEVER, I stayed calm, cool, and collected on the phone. Not a crying mess.

I had a long day at work and she texted me earlier in the day she was having "issues." This evening when I called her we talked for about 2mins before I was hung up on. I gave it 5 mins, called back and I basically talked to myself for 2mins saying "Good night, I love you." She hung up midsentence. I should've stopped then but I called back a third time. "Good night, I love you." And then 2 mins later the texts begin:

Her: You'll always abandon me
Me: Good night, I love you (I tried to just stop the convo its 9:30 pm where I am and 10:30 pm where she is so not unrealistic its bed time)
Her: Clearly not
Me: I don't understand how I've abandoned you, can you help me understand? (I've been trying to stop being responsible for her emotions)
Her: K thanks for nothing once again
You'll never help me, will you?
I'm not okay with that
Look at you, abandoning me
And claiming you don't
You'll never be here for me
You're not capable of it
Bye

The last texts were all sent in a span of 1minute. I've stopped responding at this point, its painfully obvious to me she's trying to illicit a reaction.

Luckily I have a talk with my therapist tomorrow, and my mom called mid-texts to give me some reprieve.

However, I'm curious if anyone has any ideas on how to respond in the morning? She will text me when she first wakes up and if I don't respond she will only get worst. I want to craft something along the lines of:

"I appreciate you are having bad feelings and we have different views on my past. I understand we may disagree on certain points, and that is ok. I have my own opinions, just as you have yours. To respect myself I feel the need to stop responding when I am only being told what I am doing, that does not mean I am abandoning you."

I'm trying to really work on my validating but also asserting my reality. A big thing for her is the reality issue. She is highly hung up on my exwife. For instance tonight, the issue was she couldn't get over I was with my ex-wife for 11 years (in reality 7, but there's no point arguing that). I saw she was wearing a shirt of mine to bed so I said "I see you're wearing my shirt." Her immediate response, "Just as your ex did, bet you slept **** naked together." Hung up. The other time she hung up she spoke not a word. One of my boundaries is not talking about my ex. When she does I end the conversation, although I'll bend the rule if she's talking about her emotions.

[EZEarache]

Her: You'll always abandon me
Me: Good night, I love you (I tried to just stop the convo its 9:30 pm where I am and 10:30 pm where she is so not unrealistic its bed time)
Her: Clearly not
Me: I don't understand how I've abandoned you, can you help me understand? (I've been trying to stop being responsible for her emotions)
Her: K thanks for nothing once again
You'll never help me, will you?
I'm not okay with that
Look at you, abandoning me
And claiming you don't
You'll never be here for me
You're not capable of it
Bye

The last texts were all sent in a span of 1minute. I've stopped responding at this point, its painfully obvious to me she's trying to illicit a reaction.

Ohhhhh Rapid fire texts. I love those. Half the time, the first response I started writing is no longer relevant or the significance of it is seriously diminished by the time I receive the third, . I've found it's best just to let her vent her full frustration, before I even read them and start to respond. This in-turn, causes more dysregulation, because my not responding immediately ends up equating to he doesn't care in the BPD mind. If I try convince otherwise it ends up being JADEing. So as you have stated, validation is probably your best bet if you want to keep the peace.

"I appreciate you are having bad feelings and we have different views on my past. I understand we may disagree on certain points, and that is ok. I have my own opinions, just as you have yours. To respect myself I feel the need to stop responding when I am only being told what I am doing, that does not mean I am abandoning you."


I'm trying to really work on my validating but also asserting my reality.

Me too, I'm still working on it. Probably will be the rest of my life, LOL. Here's the thing, the above doesn't seem very validating to me. It's mostly about you setting your boundaries. These two things are different. It starts off well, enough as validation. However, I think it will just produce a bunch of rage. Keep your validations short and sweet, and don't expect it to benefit you or your needs in any real way.

I appreciate you are having bad feelings and you are worried about my relationship with my exwife. I think that you're concerned I might still have feelings for her. Is that so? It makes sense we were together for seven years. Please understand, that my ex is in my past and you are in my present. I want you to stay with me into the future, will you stay with me?

A big thing for her is the reality issue. She is highly hung up on my exwife. For instance tonight, the issue was she couldn't get over I was with my ex-wife for 11 years (in reality 7, but there's no point arguing that). I saw she was wearing a shirt of mine to bed so I said "I see you're wearing my shirt." Her immediate response, "Just as your ex did, bet you slept **** naked together." Hung up. The other time she hung up she spoke not a word. One of my boundaries is not talking about my ex. When she does I end the conversation, although I'll bend the rule if she's talking about her emotions.

So from everything I've read and experienced, don't even try to present your alternate reality to the BPD. It's a hopeless cause. They won't believe you. They will also be convinced you're perception or memory is wrong and will do everything in their power to maintain their own distorted reality.  The BPD will shift the blame around onto you and accuse you of gaslighting or worse. For example, I was just told last week that I'm impossible to talk to because I can never remember the correct order of events. I remember the order of events just fine, LOL. She's just not very self aware.

For domestic bliss, I suggest you just accept that your BPD will never see the disagreement from your reality.

[kells76]

Her: You'll always abandon me
Me: Good night, I love you (I tried to just stop the convo its 9:30 pm where I am and 10:30 pm where she is so not unrealistic its bed time)
Her: Clearly not
Me: I don't understand how I've abandoned you, can you help me understand? (I've been trying to stop being responsible for her emotions)
Her: K thanks for nothing once again
You'll never help me, will you?
I'm not okay with that
Look at you, abandoning me
And claiming you don't
You'll never be here for me
You're not capable of it
Bye

The last texts were all sent in a span of 1minute. I've stopped responding at this point, its painfully obvious to me she's trying to illicit a reaction.

I think it's a wise move that you chose to stop responding at some point. If she's that activated, she may need to self-soothe instead of "getting help from you".

It's like she's a 3rd degree burn victim. We so, so want to help, we want to take the pain away, so we try soo carefully to touch the burn to help... and it just makes it worse. It makes the healing take longer. But there she is screaming in pain, and it's so hard to not "do something".

Think of those texts (at that level of escalation) as 3rd degree burns. The sooner you stop touching them, the sooner she can heal.

What do you think it'd be like if after you (implicitly) set a boundary when you said "Goodnight, I love you" at 9:30, and she snipes back with "Clearly not"...

you didn't touch it?

you stuck to your (implicit, which is good stuff) boundary?

I suspect that once she got a reaction after "clearly not", she learned that steamrolling boundaries gets her the interaction and "dumping ground" she wants. Instead of her learning to self-soothe, she gets you roped back in and she can dump her feelings on you.

Let me know how that strikes you.

[Selfishsally]

Try to envision the things that might actually improve in your life, if she left you. I'm sure it feels like, "my world would be over if we broke up."  This is not reality in most cases.

It's so simple, but so what you need to hear in the thick of it. Where were you in my worst co-dependency days?

Randomname- I think EzEarache is giving you great advice on this whole thread.
Take a deep breath. You got to take care of yourself in the midst of all this crazymaking behavior. Good luck!

[once removed]

theres a fine line between having boundaries, and stonewalling. communication is a large part of the difference.

and there can be a lot of trial and error in finding that line. i know what its like to be subjected to interrogations that go on endlessly, and just seem to fuel themselves.

im not sure that its realistic to ban any discussion of your ex wife. it also may be punitive to respond to her efforts by cutting off any conversation when your exwife is mentioned. thats how boundaries start to blur. boundaries are not meant to be punishment, or a quick fix to conflict.

does that mean you go down the rabbit hole and entertain all of her inquiries/mentions? probably not. but there might be simpler, more effective ways of redirecting the discussion. failing that, taking a time out is certainly a valid option, but it should be reserved for when the conversation takes an abusive turn on her end, when things are beyond the point of no return (all of those texts in a span of a minute is a good indicator) or when youre losing your cool. take a time out, as opposed to putting her in time out.

your partner is, presumably, pathologically insecure, and what shes looking for when she does this is some form of reassurance. half the battle of loving someone with bpd is reading between the lines, and speaking to that in a way that validates the valid, and doesnt validate the invalid.