A reflection on 30 days

[ILMBPDC]

Today is 30 days since he cut me off (we should get a pin to mark milestones like they do in AA 
I am still realizing things about our relationship - red flags I ignored, things that are blatantly BPD that sucked me in. Literally just had a realization this morning from another thread actually so I'm kind of upset right now
I haven't given into contacting him though, and I don't see myself doing it. I don't check out his social media - I actually don't want to see what he's up to.

I am still working on myself - doing therapy, trauma work(not from him, from my childhood which is the reason I get into these sh***y relationships), trying to understand my codependency. I have a retreat over Labor day weekend to work on my trauma and self love. I know that will be emotionally hard but I'm looking forward to it.

I am still depressed - (and determined to stay off antidepressants- all they did was numb me and I need to work through this stuff) I think my depression is more to do with everything being brought up in therapy than him directly - but I can't help wishing I had someone to support me in the way I thought he supported me. Of course now I know he never really supported me, I supported him and he'd put up with me talking about my issues occasionally but never actually offered support. 

This weekend I realized I need to really focus on the here and now - besides this whole pwBPD fiasco, I am stressed out by the state of the world and the US in particular and my mother's poor health (plus I  start my last semester of grad school in 2 weeks). I have been unfollowing and uninstalling anything that is not helping my immediate self. Its really hard because I am by nature a planner and I feel the need to make contingency plans but I recognized that I'm making myself worse, mentally.  So my immediate goal is to be present, to be mindful and to focus on myself.

Hopefully by 60 days I will be in a much better mental place.

[Scarredheart]

Today is 30 days since he cut me off (we should get a pin to mark milestones like they do in AA 

      CONGRATULATIONS ON 30 DAYS      

I am still realizing things about our relationship - red flags I ignored, things that are blatantly BPD that sucked me in. Literally just had a realization this morning from another thread actually so I'm kind of upset right now
I haven't given into contacting him though, and I don't see myself doing it. I don't check out his social media - I actually don't want to see what he's up to.

Yeah, new discoveries are a blessing and a curse. You understand more and you hurt and think about it more. I’m avoiding my wife’s social media too. It’s hard sometimes.

I am still working on myself - doing therapy, trauma work(not from him, from my childhood which is the reason I get into these sh***y relationships), trying to understand my codependency. I have a retreat over Labor day weekend to work on my trauma and self love. I know that will be emotionally hard but I'm looking forward to it.

That’s so awesome! I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and are beginning to understand yourself more. I’ve found quite a few ties to my childhood that show me why I wanted to badly to be a rescuer and a fixer. (Explains why I went from an NPD  to a BPD back to back.) I hope the retreat really helps you heal and work things out.

I am still depressed - (and determined to stay off antidepressants- all they did was numb me and I need to work through this stuff)

I get that. Antidepressants were suggested for me, but I really didn’t want to deal with the way they always make me feel when I’m on them. I know it’s harder in some ways, but I’d rather feel everything and face it head on.

I think my depression is more to do with everything being brought up in therapy than him directly - but I can't help wishing I had someone to support me in the way I thought he supported me. Of course now I know he never really supported me, I supported him and he'd put up with me talking about my issues occasionally but never actually offered support. 

Boy do I get this. It think it’s what I’m missing right now through all this. I had supported her through everything, emotionally, financially, physically, and every time there was an issue that hurt me, she’d disappear. If I broke down, she’d leave the room immediately. Now that I’m dealing with this on my own, I realize that I miss companionship. I don’t miss a complicated relationship, the sex, or the whole “I love you” aspect. I miss having someone around that has my back. That’s so rare, and I realize it’s been decades since that’s even been a thing for me. It’s going to be at the top of my list whenever I start looking again.

This weekend I realized I need to really focus on the here and now - besides this whole pwBPD fiasco, I am stressed out by the state of the world and the US in particular and my mother's poor health (plus I  start my last semester of grad school in 2 weeks). I have been unfollowing and uninstalling anything that is not helping my immediate self.

   I hope your mom gets better soon.

It’s a good idea to eliminate distractions when you have so much on your plate. I don’t blame you. I pulled out of a lot of extra things at work and in my personal life until this is all dealt with. I just can’t afford to allocate energy to those things right now.

Its really hard because I am by nature a planner and I feel the need to make contingency plans but I recognized that I'm making myself worse, mentally.  So my immediate goal is to be present, to be mindful and to focus on myself.

I get that too! I always plan everything. I’m always trying to analyze and plan anything important. I’ve made my own first aid kit for the house, I plan all my trips and pack specifically for where I’m going, I research any big purchases thoroughly, but it’s crazy how all that planning is actually a weakness here because you can’t plan for chaos.

Hopefully by 60 days I will be in a much better mental place.

You will be. You’re doing what you need to do. Things will get better.

[ILMBPDC]

That’s so awesome! I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and are beginning to understand yourself more. I’ve found quite a few ties to my childhood that show me why I wanted to badly to be a rescuer and a fixer. (Explains why I went from an NPD  to a BPD back to back.)

Thanks. Everything leads back to childhood, doesn't it?  I went from a cheater to a psychopath(sociopath?) con man to a BPD...and it is all because of my emotional neglect in childhood. Its so f'd up.  I'm 46, I feel like at this point I will never have a good romantic relationship.

I get that. Antidepressants were suggested for me, but I really didn’t want to deal with the way they always make me feel when I’m on them. I know it’s harder in some ways, but I’d rather feel everything and face it head on.

I was on them most of my adult life. I've been off just shy of 6 months. I don't think I've cried so much in the previous 10 years as I do daily now. But I know I'm processing things I had pushed down for most of my life and I have to do that so that *maybe* I can have a decent relationship in the future.

Boy do I get this. It think it’s what I’m missing right now through all this. I had supported her through everything, emotionally, financially, physically, and every time there was an issue that hurt me, she’d disappear. If I broke down, she’d leave the room immediately. Now that I’m dealing with this on my own, I realize that I miss companionship.

Yes, yes, yes. I read an article recently called "I just want someone to f'n show up for me" on Elephant Journal and honestly that hit so hard. That's all I want, it doesn't seem like much but its been lacking in my life literally forever.

  I hope your mom gets better soon.

Thank you. Sadly she won't. Her condition (Multiple System Atrophy) is pretty rare and incurable and she probably has 5 years left (she's 64). And she refuses to go into assisted living (she equates it with being institutionalized) so its between my youngest sister and I who will end up caring for her. This is a whole long story in itself.

I get that too! I always plan everything. I’m always trying to analyze and plan anything important. I’ve made my own first aid kit for the house, I plan all my trips and pack specifically for where I’m going, I research any big purchases thoroughly, but it’s crazy how all that planning is actually a weakness here because you can’t plan for chaos.

I was blindsided, I never saw it coming. In every relationship I've ever had there were indicators when things weren't going well and I was able to at the very least prepare myself for if things ended. But in this one, there was nothing, no sign, no indicator, nothing. I was not prepared at all.

You will be. You’re doing what you need to do. Things will get better.

I know I will be better, I know I'm healing, but sometimes you just need someone else to validate that, even a stranger on the internet. You are always so helpful, I appreciate it.

[Scarredheart]

Thanks. Everything leads back to childhood, doesn't it?  I went from a cheater to a psychopath(sociopath?) con man to a BPD...and it is all because of my emotional neglect in childhood. Its so f'd up.

It really is. There is SO MUCH from my childhood that told me I was sub par. I didn’t measure up. So when I was love bombed initially by those women I thought “finally someone loves me.” When things started going downhill, especially in the first relationship with the NPD, I automatically assumed it was my fault. I was already defective, and the person who had told me I was the best person in their life was now saying I was worthless and doing things to hurt me. Of course it had to be me. Thankfully by the time my current wife went REALLY off the rails, I had already changed significantly, and was able to see things with a better perspective. With the help of my faith, my friends and my counsellor as well as a buttload of research, I was able to stand my ground and say enough is enough when it mattered.

I'm 46, I feel like at this point I will never have a good romantic relationship.

Holy crap, please don’t think that way. I’m 46 too. If you can’t make it, neither can I! I don’t want to be a lonely old fogey for the rest of my life!

I was on them most of my adult life. I've been off just shy of 6 months. I don't think I've cried so much in the previous 10 years as I do daily now.

I totally get that. I’ve cried in my past (everyone does), but I’ve never wailed to the point of almost screaming, cried for hours and looking like someone had punched me in both eyes afterwards because the skin around them was SO black and puffy until after what my BPD wife did to me.

But I know I'm processing things I had pushed down for most of my life and I have to do that so that *maybe* I can have a decent relationship in the future.

Processing things is good, even when it hurts. You’re making progress. It’ll take time, but you’ll make it. I have no doubt.

Yes, yes, yes. I read an article recently called "I just want someone to f'n show up for me" on Elephant Journal and honestly that hit so hard. That's all I want, it doesn't seem like much but its been lacking in my life literally forever.

It’s funny how we put so much emphasis on sex and gifts and talking and spending quality time when if you don’t have trust, if you don’t have someone you can REALLY depend on, no matter what, none of that other stuff even matters, and yet, you’re right, it’s not brought up all that often.

Thank you. Sadly she won't. Her condition (Multiple System Atrophy) is pretty rare and incurable and she probably has 5 years left (she's 64). And she refuses to go into assisted living (she equates it with being institutionalized) so its between my youngest sister and I who will end up caring for her. This is a whole long story in itself.

I’m SO sorry to hear that. I went through that with my dad (he had alzheimers) and my mom a few years later (cancer). It’s SO hard when the people that you love degenerate right in front of you. It’s even worse when it’s happening while you’re dealing with everything else in your life right now. I have to say, I’m impressed with how you’re keeping yourself together with all this on your plate.

I was blindsided, I never saw it coming. In every relationship I've ever had there were indicators when things weren't going well and I was able to at the very least prepare myself for if things ended. But in this one, there was nothing, no sign, no indicator, nothing. I was not prepared at all.

That was the thing with me. I NEVER saw this coming  until I went looking, and even then I didn’t believe it was real. Looking back now I see red flags I ignored over and over again because I rationalized them away. I figured it was her “abusive past” or her “low self esteem” and I had to make allowances for that. I wanted to show her that I could love her through it all, and none of that mattered in the end. Like I said before, it’s crazy how much of our reality gets distorted around BPDs.

I know I will be better, I know I'm healing, but sometimes you just need someone else to validate that, even a stranger on the internet. You are always so helpful, I appreciate it.

I’m glad I can help. It helps me too to know that there’s someone else out there that understands what I’ve gone through too. Thanks for listening to me ramble on too.

[arjay]

Today is 30 days since he cut me off (we should get a pin to mark milestones like they do in AA  

Good for you! Maybe a "virtual pin"?  It's the best I can do.

Something you mentioned that resonated with me deeply: "The News" and how it can and does affect us; our state of mind and ultimately our well-being.

I saw a Youtube vid (Ted Talk) on "why I quit watching the news".  I spend 2 hours every morning on half a dozen "news sites".  It does affect me!  I hear everything you say too, regarding the state of the USA.

My next challenge will be to disconnect from the news (this should be interesting as I am a bit OCD).  Instead of spending two hours on the news, I am slowly redirecting my attention elsewhere.  During my personal work and recovery (several years back), I began volunteering at a "horse rescue".  It was one of the best things I did to support my own healing process.  Horses have no agenda; they don't worry about the future; they do form a relationship with you; over time I became accepted as "part of the herd".  I think I need to return to that, instead of being depressed each morning.  If you have access to a "horse rescue" you might try that.  It really helped me re-focus instead of sitting with my own obsessive thoughts; thoughts that didn't really help my recovery.

[ILMBPDC]

Holy crap, please don’t think that way. I’m 46 too. If you can’t make it, neither can I! I don’t want to be a lonely old fogey for the rest of my life!

Honestly I do want a relationship, but...I was single for 10 years before Mr. BPD (due to Mr. Conman) and literally told people that I didn't trust myself to choose a good person to be with. Mr BPD was the first person that I allowed myself to open up to, to be vulnerable with in literally a decade. And then this happens.
My therapist has me working on self-love, self-trust and self-compassion. I know that with time I will have a better relationship with myself but I am absolutely scared to death to be in a relationship again. I honestly can't go through another sh*tshow of a relationship.  And yet the thought of being alone is just as bad.  AND my daughter is planning to leave the nest in 6-9 months (several states away no less).
And now we see why I'm in therapy 

I’m glad I can help. It helps me too to know that there’s someone else out there that understands what I’ve gone through too.

Its the same for me, knowing that others understand is immensely helpful for me.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on too.

My pleasure - seriously. This is what support is all about.

[ILMBPDC]

Good for you! Maybe a "virtual pin"?  It's the best I can do.

Thank you

Something you mentioned that resonated with me deeply: "The News" and how it can and does affect us; our state of mind and ultimately our well-being.

I saw a Youtube vid (Ted Talk) on "why I quit watching the news".  I spend 2 hours every morning on half a dozen "news sites".  It does affect me!  I hear everything you say too, regarding the state of the USA.

My next challenge will be to disconnect from the news (this should be interesting as I am a bit OCD).  Instead of spending two hours on the news, I am slowly redirecting my attention elsewhere.  

I believe it. The news is killing me. I am scared to death where this nation is heading and am trying to figure out the best way to get out. Of course that is just more adding to my pile and I can't do anything about it at LEAST until I'm done with school so I'm trying to not focus on that right now and it so HARD.

During my personal work and recovery (several years back), I began volunteering at a "horse rescue".  It was one of the best things I did to support my own healing process.  Horses have no agenda; they don't worry about the future; they do form a relationship with you; over time I became accepted as "part of the herd".  I think I need to return to that, instead of being depressed each morning.  If you have access to a "horse rescue" you might try that.  It really helped me re-focus instead of sitting with my own obsessive thoughts; thoughts that didn't really help my recovery.

Honestly I probably need to just live on a horse farm.   We definitely don't have anything too close to me like that - I've looked at animal rescues in general and haven't come across horse rescues nearby. Likely there's something outside of the city. I'll have to look into it though it wouldn't be something I could do often. Thank you for the suggestion.
I spend a lot of time with my dogs, the unconditional love is amazing.

[Scarredheart]

Honestly I do want a relationship, but...I was single for 10 years before Mr. BPD (due to Mr. Conman) and literally told people that I didn't trust myself to choose a good person to be with. Mr BPD was the first person that I allowed myself to open up to, to be vulnerable with in literally a decade. And then this happens.
My therapist has me working on self-love, self-trust and self-compassion. I know that with time I will have a better relationship with myself but I am absolutely scared to death to be in a relationship again. I honestly can't go through another sh*tshow of a relationship.  And yet the thought of being alone is just as bad.  AND my daughter is planning to leave the nest in 6-9 months (several states away no less).

I hear you. It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't scenarios at first glance.

In my opinion, over time, as you heal and go through therapy, you'll be able to know what you need and want more clearly, not to mention you'll be extra vigilant regarding any red flags in the future.

You'll find someone when it's time. No rush.

I know for me, I'm going to get to know whoever I'm comes my way in the future really well as a friend before I ever risk another relationship. I want to see them at their worst, get to know people who've known them for years while keeping an eye out for those dangerous red flags. If they check out, then I'll date them, but I'm going to be taking it s-l-o-w. I know my wife took it way too fast with me, and that should have been a warning sign. I didn't know what BPD was at the time and thought she was just really into me.

And now we see why I'm in therapy 

Join the freaking club. Personally I think that being broken isn't the problem. It's how you put yourself back together. If you've learned nothing and jump right back into another horrible relationship (like I did ten years ago), then you're not ready.

Its the same for me, knowing that others understand is immensely helpful for me.

It's crazy. I never thought anyone would understand what I went through. What a relief that some people do and can relate. I don't feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone any more.

[marv1995]

Hey ILMBPDC! Yesterday was 14 days of NC for me. I have checked his social media, but only a few times a week whereas I used to check upwards of 10 times a day. Progress is progress. Most days I feel really good, but sometimes the sadness and anxiety creeps in and I miss him. Or at least who I thought he was. The hardest part is still convincing myself that I wasn't the problem. Yes, I am codependent and I know I enabled him and sometimes expected more than he could give. But I am getting help and he isn't, and that is the difference. Some days I wonder "Wtf was wrong with me that we couldn't make it work?" but it wasn't me, it was the BPD. I'm glad to see you are doing well on your healing journey, hopefully I will be better by day 30!

[ILMBPDC]

Hey ILMBPDC! Yesterday was 14 days of NC for me.

Congrats!

I have checked his social media, but only a few times a week whereas I used to check upwards of 10 times a day. Progress is progress.

Absolutely, pat yourself on the back!

Most days I feel really good, but sometimes the sadness and anxiety creeps in and I miss him. Or at least who I thought he was. The hardest part is still convincing myself that I wasn't the problem. Yes, I am codependent and I know I enabled him and sometimes expected more than he could give. But I am getting help and he isn't, and that is the difference. Some days I wonder "Wtf was wrong with me that we couldn't make it work?" but it wasn't me, it was the BPD.

Yes, keeping that realization in mind is oh so important - there was absolutely nothing you could have done and it was never about you!  BPD has its own mind.

I'm glad to see you are doing well on your healing journey, hopefully I will be better by day 30!

You will!  I am up and down a lot still, but every day I move forward and ultimately thats what matters

[Selfishsally]

Keep up the great work!
Your journey is inspirational. Thank you for sharing it!

[ILMBPDC]

You'll find someone when it's time. No rush.

Yeah I have to constantly remind myself there is no rush - I have a weird nagging feeling that I'm running out of time - I finally mentioned that to my therapist last week. I can't figure out if its because of my mom's illness that I'm seeing mortality closer or if I have a weird obsession with getting closer to 50 and having never been married or what but I know its something I need to figure out about me, its not like the world will run out of single people    

I know for me, I'm going to get to know whoever I'm comes my way in the future really well as a friend before I ever risk another relationship. I want to see them at their worst, get to know people who've known them for years while keeping an eye out for those dangerous red flags. If they check out, then I'll date them, but I'm going to be taking it s-l-o-w. I know my wife took it way too fast with me, and that should have been a warning sign. I didn't know what BPD was at the time and thought she was just really into me.

Funny thing is, we were friends for like 10 months before we started seeing each other, I've never taken anything that slow before but COVID helped . I fell in love with him way before we took it to the next level, our talks were deep and meaningful (to me) and I felt so comfortable with him. I swore he was my soulmate.  I now understand that it was the love bombing and mirroring that got me and I was so desperate for love that I ignored red flags, though to be honest they were pretty minor compared to my last ex LOL.

My daughter is BPD so I am familiar with it, but she and Mr BPD are quite different in their manifestations. Plus my daughter has done intensive therapy and was diagnosed early and is very high functioning. And men and women have different manifestations of BPD (I found out after being dumped). With my daughter ,I never saw the romantic relationship piece - mostly what I see with her is emotional swings from 0-60 in record time and her lack of empathy in emotional situations.  My daughter and I are quite close - and she has been extremely helpful in helping me understand the BPD mind.

Join the freaking club. Personally I think that being broken isn't the problem. It's how you put yourself back together. If you've learned nothing and jump right back into another horrible relationship (like I did ten years ago), then you're not ready.

I agree wholeheartedly.  I so desperately want that companionship and I am trying to make actual friends now and hopefully that will help a little. (It is strangely hard to do. People around here are friendly enough but don't like to welcome new people into their circle and as an introvert with depression its even harder. I've lived in this metro area for almost 20 years now and I literally have no close friends, only acquaintances. Its depressing.)

It's crazy. I never thought anyone would understand what I went through. What a relief that some people do and can relate. I don't feel like I've stepped into the Twilight Zone any more.

Yes, having people who understand is so, so important.

[ILMBPDC]

Keep up the great work!
Your journey is inspirational. Thank you for sharing it!

Thanks so much for saying that - sometimes its nice to know that my pain has helped others