I was in a relationship with my former BPD partner for 11 years. It wasn't until recently that I learned her behavior was BPD. I had to file a restraining order to keep us apart as a result of physical altercations but worse her two attempted suicides. It has only been three weeks but I miss her. How can I miss someone who treated me so badly yet she could make me feel like the best person she ever met? I have tried to talk to others about this but I sense they don't understand the magnetic draw I have to her despite it being so toxic. I started therapy yesterday. I know I need to heal and this forum has helped me realize I am not alone. She is currently in a psych unit at hospital but has no place to go upon discharge. I feel terribly guilty because I don't want to see her on the streets but I cannot bring her back into my house. It took so much effort to get to this point. But why do I have this strong urge to say, "It is OK. I will take care of you." while fighting the knowledge that I have been manipulated, lied to and emotionally abused? I am having trouble focusing on work and feel very depressed.
Hi there! Great username, by the way.
The reason you're feeling this way is partially because you're going through withdrawal – actual, physical withdrawal. In terms of mere brain chemistry, breaking away from an abusive relationship is similar to, and as difficult, as breaking an opiate addiction.
You might want to read up on
traumatic bonding (
https://themighty.com/2020/09/trauma-bonding-signs/) and relatedly, on
intermittent reinforcement in order to understand what is happening.
From the article:
"
Signs of Being in a Trauma Bond With Someone— A pattern of non-performance: the person constantly promises you things and constantly lets you down.
— You feel that you don’t even like or trust the person anymore but you cannot leave.
— Your friends and family have advised against the relationships but you stay.
— Others seem disturbed by things that happen to you but you brush it off.
— You have tried to leave, but it makes you feel physically ill, like you will die or your life will be destroyed if you do.
— You know the person is “sometimes” abusive and destructive, but you focus on the “good” in them.
— You feel protective about the person because of their “difficult past” or “childhood” and find yourself caring for them despite their abusive behavior.
— You know you are being manipulated, but you’re often in denial and block out or quickly forget bad things.
— The relationship is intense and inconsistent. You do everything to please them and are unconditionally loyal while getting nothing but heartbreak in return.
— They say things you want to hear to resolve issues temporality — “I have learnt my lesson,” “I will prove my love for you everyday,” “Life is impossible without you.”
— You are driven to the point of self-destruction and often harbor thoughts of self-harm."
Just an idea for a starting point.
And of course, writing about it here helps a lot, too.
