Older BPD Mom

[cglewis]

I am an adult eldest son, 45, of a suspected BPD mother, 74. I last spoke to her almost a month ago (August 1 2021). I do not intend to permanently end the relationship.

She is a widow since 2003. I have no partner or kids. I live 15 minutes drive away from her.

I have had very severe mental health issues in the past, and am still on medication, but rarely show symptoms externally at this point. I have strong anxiety around reconnecting with my mother, my sister and my brother, but also with continuing to not speak.

My life has been severely affected by her condition. Mix an extremely sensitive, shy, poor at athletics child with an emotionally dysregulated mother and explosive angry father and you get a person that is lucky to be alive as an adult.
                                                                                                                                       
                          Since the pandemic has started, the verbal abuse directed at me has escalated. If I wasn't before, I am now firmly locked in to scapegoat/ black sheep status and obviously gave out unlimited gym passes for the emotional punching bag, all at my own expense. She is very clever in not actually calling me either, but I am clearly a "stupid mental patient"  and she clings to the belief that that is my complete description and is determined to shoehorn me in this role that I despise. And she strongly favors my brother, 41, and my sister, 43, and sticks up for them to my detriment.

The pandemic has changed me. I am seeing things that my depression and anxiety would not let me see before, and am increasingly acting on truly helpful impulses I would have ignored in the past. I do not wish to continue to be cheated out of a life (including financially) by an overbearing, domineering family of origin headed by a BPD mother. I am finally thumbing my nose at being stuck at the bottom of a ridiculous, tribal pecking order where nobody truly wins.

I have attracted many BPD women in the past. I am trying to kill off this unconscious tendency by reading and doing exercises related in a book about ending the cycle of abuse.

I previously thought that not actually being abusive was enough to break the cycle. I was wrong. I have to stop attracting abusers. And then have to live with that awkward feeling of NOT being abused by someone else.

As for right now,  I feel guilty for leaving her, even temporarily.  Will she be OK? She is 74 with health issues. She has two other children within driving range that she generously supports (but much more cheap with me, even though I worked for "the family" for six years). She may think I am cutting her off permanently, yet I can't bring myself to even send a message to any of my family. I did send one message early on that I was OK to my sister. But nothing else.

I feel guilt, fear, shame, like a bad son. Yes, I am partially aware these thoughts are not totally rational,  but they overwhelm me.

But I finally want a life without abuse and toxic manipulation, without rage outburts and ten subtle put-downs or guilt trips per hour visited for a change. Is that too much to ask MOM?

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board. I think your feelings are normal and there are several of us here who have elderly BPD mothers and we struggle with similar situations.

It's hard because our own sense of decency includes being helpful to an elderly parent and yet, we don't want to tolerate abuse.

It's hard but we understand it here. I think it's good that you have seen how these patterns influence your choice of partners. That isn't unusual either. I think it's good to shift your direction to self care- continuing therapy and also doing things that you feel are beneficial to you. The pandemic has made it hard to meet people but surely there are ways and hopefully you will make steps to work on shyness. Take some of that time and emotion that was directed at your mother, and direct it at you.

What would help is some sort of boundaries for you concerning your mother. Perhaps you can decide on a visit every two weeks, or whatever schedule works for you, and you stick to that boundary. If she calls ( and it's not urgent) you can say " I can't talk now but I will see you next Sunday". This way, neither of you feel you are abandoning the relationship, but you are also setting aside time for yourself.

[zachira]

Your description of how your BPD mom treats you and your siblings is unfortunately very familiar to many members here. The sad part about coming from a family where we are treated so badly is how our past, present, and future can be so negatively affected. You are understanding and discovering how your family dynamics have affected you and wanting to make major changes at 45 years of age. From my experience, you are relatively young compared to many people who discover that their mother has BPD, many of whom are in their fifties, sixties, and seventies. Being the scapegoat is a particularly painful role, yet it is the one in which there is the most hope for change. Scapegoats are often chosen for their strengths: empathy, being aware of something is not right in the family, willingness to make changes, speaking up when abuse takes place, etc., Narcissistic Family Files has a very empowering article on the strengths of the scapegoat. You are determined to make some big changes in your life so you can have more of the life you want and deserve. We are here to help you in any ways we can. Many members have posted here for years as they find more satisfactory ways to deal with a BPD parent and the people who enable the behaviors of the BPD parent, often referred to as flying monkeys. Siblings are often flying monkeys. There are some good articles on the web and videos on youtube on how to deal with flying monkeys.

[beatricex]

cglewis,
Just an idea, have you thought of one final act of goodness then cut her off?  I didn't plan this, but it is what happened in my case and it put my mind at ease.

I also spoke to my oldest brother for the first time about our "mentally ill mom."  Not for him to validate me (he didn't, in fact he responded that "all the women in our family our mentally ill" - yes, that included me) but for me to get it off my chest.  The words needed to be said.  I needed to articulate it, not in an email, but in an honest conversation.  This is who I am, how I feel and therapy changed me for the better.  I can no longer be manipulated and scapegoated, deal with it, was the message.  He got the picture.  Sometimes being the brave one sets us free.  It was a warning that I'm not going to continue to tolerate it, I have moved on, Mom will be calling you now.

I left with a clear conscious and no new drama.  I have 5 siblings and another older brother reached out to me (I assume the oldest contacted him after our 8 hour phone conversation), but I was just "busy" so we never connected.

It is irrelevant that you are not physically walking away, your emotional journey of disconnecting, of making yourself whole again, and finding out who you are as a person separate from a toxic mother is your new journey.  Who cares if anyone else gets it or not, this is between you and a higher being (if you believe in one), not them.
 

I am hear to listen
b

[SunnyJoy]

I'm new here and really related when you wrote about your "scapegoat/black sheep status."  OMG!  Yes, yes and yes. 

I have no wisdom to offer except to say I'm experiencing it too! 

Thanks for sharing. 

May we both find peace!   

[cglewis]

I think all of us scapegoats have wisdom!

[Methuen]

But I finally want a life without abuse and toxic manipulation, without rage outburts and ten subtle put-downs or guilt trips per hour visited for a change. Is that too much to ask MOM?

No, cglewis, this is not too much to ask.  For people from healthy families, it would be too little...since relationships are generally about exchanges (physical, social, emotional, intellectual) that benefit BOTH people.

Thanks for introducing yourself.  We have a few things in common.  I am 59, my uBPD mom is 85 (with mobility and serious complex health issues), and she lives 7 min away from me (in her own house).  I am an only child, and there is no immediate or extended family to help or support either of us.  I joined this forum exactly 2 years ago.  I can say it has been immensely helpful.  Two years ago (when I joined), I had a short period (3-4 weeks) of NC.  Then LC.  While my mom lives independently in her own home, she can't function without immense support from H and I (and to a lesser extent from her friends).

That the pandemic has changed you, sounds like it has had the benefit of you seeing a path towards wanting to have an independent and autonomous life.  Maybe you see the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel?  Another way of living, that isn't under the thumb and control of a family that has hurt you (causing anxiety and depression), and put you at the bottom of a pecking order? 

Many of us that have been here for a while, continue to grow with support from each other.  I feel I have made a lot of progress over the past 2 years.  I no longer feel hopeless and helpless, which is where I was at when I landed on this site.  To quote another member "I know things now", and I have learned to use the tools from this website, to navigate my relationship with my mom.  It can get better cglewis.

As for right now,  I feel guilty for leaving her, even temporarily.  Will she be OK? She is 74 with health issues.

She is going to be OK.  To quote yet a different member, "our mom's are like cats - when they fall they will land on their feet". 

I feel guilt, fear, shame, like a bad son.

This is what our BPD mom's condition us to feel - so that they get THEIR NEEDS met FROM US.  We parent them, instead of the other way around.  It's a process to let go of the guilt, fear and shame you talk about.  I can't say if it ever goes away completely, but certainly enough that you can take back your power to be your own independent person, and live the life you want to live, and not the one she wants you to live.

Have you found all the resources on this site?  (Click on "how to get the most out of this site").  It took me a long time to find those resources, but they have been extremely helpful to me.

Welcome

[cglewis]

Thanks for the support from everyone here. It looks like it was a great idea for me to join this group.

So I am now talking again with my mom. My brother came to my home saying that my mother was worried and to figure out what was going on.

At this point, I realized I took my point as far as I could, and would get no further. The whole thing was taking an emotional toll on me and I felt that I had to abort mission.

My mom was obviously a bit pissed and said she thought I was dead. I believe on some level she was concerned for my well-being. She also arranged to help me out a bit financially, and  I honestly could not afford to turn down $200 a month.

I know she uses money as an instrument of control, in this case to shut me up about her delusions about how things were in the past. She could probably sense that I was so frustrated with my rank in the family that I was perilously close to opening Pandora's Box and that "going silent" was a warning to not push me too far lest I spill the beans, because there truly is no honesty, no (in her words) "getting to the bottom of it all".

There is one thing that also keeps me coming back to the original homestead. She has this adorable little Maltese dog that is almost thirteen. She's still in great shape, because Mom takes great care of her. She is so much better with pets than humans, at least until it's truly time to put them down due to obvious quality of life issues. Still, I was worried about little Annie passing during this time.

I wonder how many people with BPD have pets relative to the general population.

Things are OK now I guess, just like the weather is pretty decent today. But I know rain is in the forecast.

If I had to do one thing differently,  I would let at least one member of the family that I knew spoke with my mom regularly, not necessarily my mother herself, that I needed a break from the whole family, and couldn't talk for a while. Doing that really would have eased the stress on myself, and also everyone involved, without harming myself in any other way.

Anyways, I am pretty tired of this whole subject. I just felt an update would be helpful to this community and am sure I will come back here and possibly comment on some posts. I didn't even say everything I could have; I'm so drained by it all.

Thanks to all who replied to my original post, I am just so emotionally exhausted and drained from the whole thing that I want to close the book on this...for now.