Newly married to BP and in shock

[Seekserenity]

There were very few signs of the BPD before we got married ... Things seemed great. He was head over heels for me and everything seemed so good. He even accepted the little boy I had adopted that is a shaken baby survivor with extensive health issues. All seemed so good. Then Pandora's box popped open! I'm lost... Hurting... Depressed... Hold back tears much of the day... Everything is always my fault. I've always been a rescuer, had 2 previous abusive partners I finally got away from, spent 12 years single and platonic thinking something in me needed to change as I always seemed to attract the severely needy and controlling. Channeled my need to nuture into fostering needy children (which is where I came to know my now adopted son, I received him through emergency fostercare when he was rescued from his bios. I have 8 other adult children (bios) from my past two marriages. I don't feel like I can talk to them about what I'm going through as we all thought I was finally in a good place and finally away from abusers... Im afraid or what would happen if they knew what I was going through right now. I'm a mess... Having trouble finding a reason to go on... Can't bare the thought of living out the rest of my days like this. I'm 57 and have had nothing but dysfunction in my life... Abusive father, brother, 2 abusive ex husbands, a BP youngest daughter (pretty sure her father was BP as all the symptoms line up, just didn't know about it back then. I'm scared of the power he has over me. If he's not happy no one is happy. Always tells me what I'm thinking, feeling, what I really mean with the words I've said. I feel like I'm losing it. Started therapy which is where I found out about BPD and was given the "walking on eggshells" book to read. For 3 days now I have had panic attacks all day long, sick to my stomach and want to be far away from him but if I distance he gets mean and nasty again. Don't feel like being touched by him but he sits next me pretending nothing's wrong and pulls me into him to cuddle and I just hold back tears and keep my mouth shut. I feel like I'm drowning.therapy sessions are 1 per week but they seem years apart. How do I cope in between.

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[pursuingJoy]

welcome, Seekserenity. I'm so sorry for all you've been through and can only imagine the hurt and disappointment you feel right now.

Then Pandora's box popped open!

How long have you been married? Can you share more about some of the incidents that led to this?

You're probably wise not to talk to your kids about what's going on, it can get tricky. You have a counselor and you have us now. We'll help in any way we can.

It can be so incredibly overwhelming to come to grips with what's happening. The grief hits you like a bus, especially when all you anticipated was happiness and security and love. I can say from experience that the intensity of the feeling will dissipate in time - it won't always feel this intense. You'll go through various stages of emotions. The one you're in was the hardest for me. 

Write back when you can, read the other stories here, and know you are not alone.

  pj