Still thinking of former BPD girlfriend a year later

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I dated the carbon copy (female version) of the man who is on the page "My Definition of Love. I have BPD".  I dated her for a year, and had no idea that she had BPD or what BPD really was.  I only looked it up on a lark about 5 months ago, and once I did there should’ve been a picture of her next to it.  Her BPD was untreated and undiagnosed meaning the relationship was completely toxic to me.

Thank you all for being here first off, and thanks for the link to the “final discard” video.  Yes, the confusion was the worst part.  It still is the worst part over a year later of breaking it off.  She’s like an earworm song that got in there and just sticks and refuses to go away.  I am still confused and still hurting.  I don’t know if I can trust anyone ever again as a romantic partner.  I’ll be reluctant to share my feelings and emotions.  When I was with her I was in an alternate reality which I thought was making sense at the time, somehow, but in the end it made no sense.  It’s a lost year, where my emotions were toyed with, where I was toyed with.  Ultimately leaving me feeling abused and used in retrospect.  It was always ME that was the problem, it was always ME that got it wrong and I just didn’t see it “right”.  I felt like I had to remain a loyal subject to the Queen, not to question and certainly not to lodge anything that looked like criticism or it was ‘off-with-his-head’!  I never knew what to do or say around her.  I didn’t want to set her off, but I also craved her attention and affection.  She could be captivating and her touch was magnetic.  I never have felt so deeply connected to another person, and that’s why it hurt so bad to split, I guess.  She shook my confidence and has affected me to my core.

I’m middle aged so I’ve been through the relationship wringer, but I know what it is to be in a loving and supportive relationship.  My last long term relationship lasted 15 years and was nothing like this.  Somehow I got sucked in here.  Somehow she saw how sensitive I was and how she could easily get her hooks into me.  There was a hole in me that she got into, that I willingly let her into.  I was blindsided, for sure.

I feel like the BPD is almost contagious, all that craziness was pushed onto me—repeatedly.  The red flags were there all along.  I chose to ignore them.  I completely deluded myself, but didn’t see it that way at the time.  I fell in love with her, more deeply and faster than anyone else.  I became addicted to her and still feel like I’m in symptoms of withdrawl. I made excuses for her.  When she didn’t really want to meet my friends or family, I bought her reasons/excuses.  I even made up new ones for her.  I wanted to believe so badly that that when she said she “needed me” and “loved me” that those words were true.  I wanted to believe we could help each other, heal each other, and be happy together.

Less than a month into the relationship she took a job out West on a whim. I was stunned as things were just getting going between us and seemed good.  When she told me the news she cried at the thought of leaving me behind.  I mistook those tears as love and affection for me.  Later, she cried equally as hard when a Perkin’s waitress took away her doggie bag by accident and threw it away.  I am speaking of a 48 year old woman here.

The “black and white” thinking was totally there.  The “object permanence” issues also there. When she moved out West she told me she loved me and didn’t want to lose me as she thought she would be “out of sight, out of mind” in my eyes.  The reverse was true, of course.  I wrote gushing love letters every couple of days, but never heard from her.

I was given smiles, I was given gifts, I was given excuses, and I was given intense physical connection when it pleased her.  What I never was given was what I was seeking most: love.

I know it was the right thing to break it off, but it didn’t feel like it.  The emotional abuse stopped, but the emotional connection was still there.  I was still in love with her.  I’ve never broken up with someone I was still in love with. 

I’m hoping to learn about how others have coped with these feelings, and figured out how to move on.  It’s been extra hard now, for me, with the pandemic. And yes, I think these people must have come into our lives for us to fix those holes in ourselves so this won’t happen again.

Ad Meliora is latin, meaning “towards better things”

[Ad Meliora]

I dated the carbon copy (female version) of the man who is on the page "My Definition of Love. I have BPD".  I dated her for a year, and had no idea that she had BPD or what BPD really was.  I only looked it up on a lark about 5 months ago, and once I did there should’ve been a picture of her next to it.  Her BPD was untreated and undiagnosed meaning the relationship was completely toxic to me.

Thank you all for being here first off, and thanks for the link to the “final discard” video.  Yes, the confusion was the worst part.  It still is the worst part over a year later of breaking it off.  She’s like an earworm song that got in there and just sticks and refuses to go away.  I am still confused and still hurting.  I don’t know if I can trust anyone ever again as a romantic partner.  I’ll be reluctant to share my feelings and emotions.  When I was with her I was in an alternate reality which I thought was making sense at the time, somehow, but in the end it made no sense.  It’s a lost year, where my emotions were toyed with, where I was toyed with.  Ultimately leaving me feeling abused and used in retrospect.  It was always ME that was the problem, it was always ME that got it wrong and I just didn’t see it “right”.  I felt like I had to remain a loyal subject to the Queen, not to question and certainly not to lodge anything that looked like criticism or it was ‘off-with-his-head’!  I never knew what to do or say around her.  I didn’t want to set her off, but I also craved her attention and affection.  She could be captivating and her touch was magnetic.  I never have felt so deeply connected to another person, and that’s why it hurt so bad to split, I guess.  She shook my confidence and has affected me to my core.

I’m middle aged so I’ve been through the relationship wringer, but I know what it is to be in a loving and supportive relationship.  My last long term relationship lasted 15 years and was nothing like this.  Somehow I got sucked in here.  Somehow she saw how sensitive I was and how she could easily get her hooks into me.  There was a hole in me that she got into, that I willingly let her into.  I was blindsided, for sure.

I feel like the BPD is almost contagious, all that craziness was pushed onto me—repeatedly.  The red flags were there all along.  I chose to ignore them.  I completely deluded myself, but didn’t see it that way at the time.  I fell in love with her, more deeply and faster than anyone else.  I became addicted to her and still feel like I’m in symptoms of withdrawl. I made excuses for her.  When she didn’t really want to meet my friends or family, I bought her reasons/excuses.  I even made up new ones for her.  I wanted to believe so badly that that when she said she “needed me” and “loved me” that those words were true.  I wanted to believe we could help each other, heal each other, and be happy together.

Less than a month into the relationship she took a job out West on a whim. I was stunned as things were just getting going between us and seemed good.  When she told me the news she cried at the thought of leaving me behind.  I mistook those tears as love and affection for me.  Later, she cried equally as hard when a Perkin’s waitress took away her doggie bag by accident and threw it away.  I am speaking of a 48 year old woman here.

The “black and white” thinking was totally there.  The “object permanence” issues also there. When she moved out West she told me she loved me and didn’t want to lose me as she thought she would be “out of sight, out of mind” in my eyes.  The reverse was true, of course.  I wrote gushing love letters every couple of days, but never heard from her.

I was given smiles, I was given gifts, I was given excuses, and I was given intense physical connection when it pleased her.  What I never was given was what I was seeking most: love.

I know it was the right thing to break it off, but it didn’t feel like it.  The emotional abuse stopped, but the emotional connection was still there.  I was still in love with her.  I’ve never broken up with someone I was still in love with. 

I’m hoping to learn about how others have coped with these feelings, and figured out how to move on.  It’s been extra hard now, for me, with the pandemic. And yes, I think these people must have come into our lives for us to fix those holes in ourselves so this won’t happen again.

Ad Meliora is latin, meaning “towards better things”

[Scarredheart]

Welcome to the group.

It is really hard to let go of a BPD. They mess with your brain chemistry. See trauma bonding here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229693.0

It took a lot of work to get over/past these feelings for me, and a lot of the time I felt like I was fighting myself.

Part of me saw her for the broken, hurt, deceitful, manipulative (yes, in my opinion they can be doing this both consciously and unconsciously)  woman that she is, and another part of me only saw the idealized version of her that I wanted to love, protect, save and fix. I kept having to remind myself that the idealized version my "heart" was seeing was what I wanted to be true, but wasn't. I kept having to pull the facts back in front of me again and again. I'd recommend getting into therapy as quick as you can. You'll get support here, but speaking with a professional who has experience with BPD will help a lot.

Try not to look for explanations or closure if you can help it as in my experience you'll find neither. That was one of the hardest parts for me.

Stay strong and keep moving forward. One day at a time.

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks for the link and advice.  I'll check it out.  I was hoping to avoid professional therapy, but it does seem unavoidable at this point.  It's ironic, the people who could benefit most from therapy (BPD) end up putting the people around them in it!  It doesn't seem like something that fixes itself or tends to go away easily.

I'm not looking for the quick fix.  I'm just glad I found this website and see that what I am struggling with is a real thing that others are dealing with also.  My support network is limited in addressing the specifics of what I went through. I appreciate the posting of the testimonials of people with BPD saying, "Yes, this is how I acted and this is how I was thinking about it"

I'll delve a bit deeper into some of the information here on the site and in the forum.  Thanks again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ad Melora, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  Your story is quite familiar.  I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years, so I can relate to your experience.  It's normal to think about your former BPD GF, but that doesn't mean you need to act on those thoughts.  I suggest you just sit with your feelings, observe them and let them pass.  It's unlikely that you will ever get to the bottom of your BPD r/s.  BPD is incredibly complex and proved too much for me.  It's a black hole, I'm afraid.  Now is a good time to figure out why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does that ring a bell?

Feel free to pose any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[Sappho11]

Thanks for the link and advice.  I'll check it out.  I was hoping to avoid professional therapy, but it does seem unavoidable at this point.  It's ironic, the people who could benefit most from therapy (BPD) end up putting the people around them in it!  It doesn't seem like something that fixes itself or tends to go away easily.

Hi there! Love your username. I had the same attitude towards therapy as you for the longest time; in fact, I was always quite proud of the fact that I coped with everything in my rather rocky life without ever seeing a shrink.

My undiagnosed BPDex completely turned my life upside down (like yours was), and had kept insinuating that it was I who had a mental problem. So in the wake of our split, I began to see a therapist.

It turned out that I have no disorders of any kind, but in the process of evaluating this the therapist and I stumbled upon other things that ended up helping me immensely. I'd been suffering from occasional intense low moods since childhood and it turned out that these moods were merely a rare kind of migraine, easily remedied with an OTC painkiller. And talking to someone compassionate, who listened to me at length like nobody else ever had, helped me develop a new appreciation and compassion for myself, which I'd never deemed important, but which benefits my everyday life greatly now.

Go for it – it will likely be good for you 

[Ad Meliora]

Thanks for all the Welcomes.  I'm glad I found this group.  I took Scarredheart's advice and already reached out to inquire about therapy.  I'm not fundamentally opposed to it or worried about the stigma.  It's just an added cost right now that I'm not looking for.  It's time, etc...I could go on with more excuses here...

18 years ago I went in to speak with a professional as I was having trouble with my divorce, second and third thoughts about it.  Therapy was helpful in coming to a resolution--divorce was the right course.  I like to solve problems, fix things, and help people.  I don't want to be the "bad guy" in the relationship.  Relationships are just much more tough and in the past if I just worked harder, listened more, and loved more that solved a lot.  This isn't true if your partner has BPD, as we've all learned.  More work, more love, more listening just got me less and less.  Actually more attention got me more pullback and withdrawal if anything.

But she was soo good looking.   Is that an excuse that works?

I'm sure you're right Lucky Jim, that's there's some soul searching to do on my own part.  I'm seeing that come up in all the recent threads.  Certainly I've come to understand when left to my own quiet thoughts that most of what I experienced was my own projection of what I wanted to see.  She was a willing and blank canvas though.  A good actor, or good enough to fool me.  I'm sure she could say with impunity, "I never promised you such and such or agreed to so and so," but she played along with nods and agreement leaving me to fill in the blanks, which I readily did.

Did I mention I thought she was good looking?...oh, yeah right.  I was such a fool.

[Sappho11]

But she was soo good looking.   Is that an excuse that works?

  I hear you. No kidding, that was partially what kept me tied to my ex for the longest time. "He's immature... but we can work through this... he's young, he will mature and change... what people can't change is their exterior, and that is perfect with him!" That was my subconscious inner monologue the entire time. To me, he had Hollywood-level good looks, but at the same time a timeless masculine beauty, like a hero from an early 19th-century novel. I don't think I'd ever seen such a perfect male face until I met him, and even now I think I might never find one like it again. Did I mention his build was that of a young Greek god? I'm usually not a visual person, but it was intoxicating just to look at him.

Fact is, his physical beauty completely blinded me to his faults, of which there were plenty (this is an understatement). Even while we were together, I often felt that he was one of the least "complete" human beings I had ever met. But... the looks! The hair! The smile! – I totally get it.

It is lucky that he dumped me (twice). I would gladly (though not happily) have continued suffering all his abuse, only to realise one day (probably in old age) that I wasted my life on a mentally-ill man who never contributed to my happiness, but instead bled me dry emotionally, intellectually and materially.

It gets better over time. Nowadays I feel lucky – like a bug that escaped from a venus flytrap at the very last second.

[Cromwell]

Isnt this sort of dilemma the reason that the coldest setting on showers was solely invented for?

[Ad Meliora]

If only it was that easy, Cromwell!   I can see the first (and last) thread on this board being: "If you're having problems with a BPDx--Take a Cold Shower, that'll fix it!".  Yes, I love the thought.  Wash that ex right out of your hair.  

You know Sappho11 I wonder how many of the members here saw their partner as intensely attractive, an Adonis, let's say.  I'm not necessarily saying objective reality, just their reality, our reality.  I'm guessing it's a pretty high number of people.  I just have dived in here, reading some of the current threads so I don't know for sure, but I think a lot were in the same boat.

Since this is my thread I'll go into a little detail too on how attractive I found my BPD partner.  I saw here even early on as a Wonder Woman, not the Gal Gadot version, the original, Lynda Carter.  Dark brown hair, bright blue eyes, a bright white smile that could rival the Cheshire Cat's!  At first she was just pretty okay, but as I was drawn in she became more and more beautiful to me.

I don't consider myself a shallow person who is only attracted to someone based on her looks (after this experience I'm even more dubious).  I like to focus on what was in the inside, which seemed like a hurting young woman who just needed a little compassion and understanding and everything would work out perfect, we'd live happily ever after. The End. (ahh, sigh)

She continued to be my "Wonder Woman" as I wondered why she didn't call back when she said she would, wondered why she didn't text back in days.  I wondered why she made a big deal telling me she took three different kinds of stationary when she took a job 700 miles away, yet hadn't written me one letter.  I wondered why no matter what I did for her, she was never impressed or satisfied.  I wondered why she constantly cancelled plans with me (often plans she made herself).  I wondered why she treated her friends and family so much better than me. I wondered why she would withdraw and disappear for random time intervals.  I mean, I could go on, but you get the picture.

Yes she was a beauty queen at 17, and maybe that was what started some of the behaviors.  Idk.  I think it was Robert Palmer who sang "A pretty face, don't mean a pretty heart."  True words, unfortunately, in this case.

[Sappho11]

You know Sappho11 I wonder how many of the members here saw their partner as intensely attractive, an Adonis, let's say.  I'm not necessarily saying objective reality, just their reality, our reality.  I'm guessing it's a pretty high number of people.  I just have dived in here, reading some of the current threads so I don't know for sure, but I think a lot were in the same boat.

Definitely. I should have added that there were people who didn't think my ex particularly attractive. But of course attraction is always subjective.

Since this is my thread I'll go into a little detail too on how attractive I found my BPD partner.  I saw here even early on as a Wonder Woman, not the Gal Gadot version, the original, Lynda Carter.  Dark brown hair, bright blue eyes, a bright white smile that could rival the Cheshire Cat's!

She does sound amazing! (I had to google Lynda Carter and she's a beauty.) I wish more people would describe their exes like this. People's individual fascinations are so diverse and interesting! And these details render the individual stories more vivid and even more understandable.

At first she was just pretty okay, but as I was drawn in she became more and more beautiful to me.

Part of the reason for such intense attraction is definitely that pwBPD actively work towards presenting the facade of being "the perfect partner". This is why so many of us feel duped or tricked by a seemingly unforeseeable bait-and-switch.

This is something that happens on all levels – emotional, intellectual, and physical. In regard to the latter aspect, when I met my ex, I thought he was merely a vaguely athletic-looking exception to the programmer stereotype. He wore cargo shorts, sandals and old t-shirts, and carried a huge backpack with him at all times. By the time I eventually fell in love with him two years later, he was wearing tastefully-coloured trousers and proper, collared shirts – he always arrived to our appointments dressed to the nines. I like to dress rather formally so he completely mirrored this back to me. Unsurprisingly, his sartorial efforts were the first to go out the window when we eventually got together.

I don't consider myself a shallow person who is only attracted to someone based on her looks (after this experience I'm even more dubious).  I like to focus on what was in the inside, which seemed like a hurting young woman who just needed a little compassion and understanding and everything would work out perfect, we'd live happily ever after. The End. (ahh, sigh)

She continued to be my "Wonder Woman" as I wondered why she didn't call back when she said she would, wondered why she didn't text back in days.  I wondered why she made a big deal telling me she took three different kinds of stationary when she took a job 700 miles away, yet hadn't written me one letter.  I wondered why no matter what I did for her, she was never impressed or satisfied.  I wondered why she constantly cancelled plans with me (often plans she made herself).  I wondered why she treated her friends and family so much better than me. I wondered why she would withdraw and disappear for random time intervals.  I mean, I could go on, but you get the picture.

Yes she was a beauty queen at 17, and maybe that was what started some of the behaviors.  Idk.  I think it was Robert Palmer who sang "A pretty face, don't mean a pretty heart."  True words, unfortunately, in this case.

If you like reading, I highly recommend Schopenhauer's brief essay "Metaphysics of Sexuality". It's a brilliant take on why we fall in love with the people we do, and why we feel so overwhelmingly about the entire matter. It's both serious consolation and explanation, yet not without humour.

[cash05458]

No...I dont think they came into our lives to help us fix ourselves...not in any sense...tho that might be an outcome ...these folks are emotional equivalents of car crashes...sure we all have our triggers...BUT...we here would prolly be better off dealing with this stuff like said random car crash than blaming our own  emotions and failures via our defense systems...and that is a problem...I have been there so no offense...but at some point self analysis becomes another trigger I think...rather, it's better and more real to simply toughen up and forget if you can and move on...

[cash05458]

and yeah...Schopenhauer is prolly a good place to reach for sure...not that folks read much...not those things...but it's there...and helps but it isn't touchy feely for sure...but that IS a good thing...we have all been sold this idea that Love should work mostly...that is false of course...take a look around at others and life...that is a relief when you know this and get over the ideal that love solves all..it does not...real love and a good thing is kinda rare to be honest...and it takes that honesty to get there via reality...Borderline or not...

[Ad Meliora]

I'm glad I've found this forum.  In addition to me figuring my ex having BPD (impulsive variant) I've since learned about the "Trauma Bond"--check, got that, and also she was a covert narcissist.  So BPD and NPD, two great tastes that once together...pretty much spell doom and gloom for whomever comes in contact with them! 

I'll check out the Schopenhauer article, Sappho11.  I'm more of a Nietzsche man myself, or Kierkegaard, although they would stick more to pure existentialism than essays on human sexuality.   It's Schroedinger's Cat that I'm most intrigued with tho... as there did seem to be many possible outcomes, confusing ones, while I was caught up in the relationship.  If only I could've seen what that cat was doing when out of my sight!  Okay, so segue to Cash05458's point.

Yes a car crash, epic disaster.  I dated a covert narcissist with BPD, incapable of empathy or real love and that wasn't going to change, but here's the thing: I stayed in it a year.  The strangeness was there in month 1, so why did I stick it out another 11?  That's the question.  The thing to fix isn't them, oh no, I tried that a non-starter.  The thing to fix is in me, not discounting my intuition.  It doesn't do me any good to put down the hash pipe just to pick up the heroin needle--no sir.  I need to seek out in me what allowed this to happen, so I'm not stuck another year after a "lost year" in a relationship with a BPD.  Pull it out by the root and hope it doesn't grow back!  A week on this forum, I'll already starting to feel more unstuck which is a good thing--a great thing!

I already know I don't like to leave before the end of the movie.  In this case it was a trainwreck with a 20 car pile-up.  Sure, I would've gladly taken getting whacked several times with a 2x4" than go through that again.  Bruised ribs can heal and mend and don't mess with your head for a year afterwards.  I'm patient, sometimes far too much so with people.  I do this as part of my own practice, because impatience leads to (and summons) anger.  Anger can lead to more anger which is a corrosive emotion.  Has there been a lot of anger and frustration over this relationship? You bet.  Patience can diffuse it, to some extent.

There's a couple thousand people here who have been through what we have.  I'm not trying to change my BPDx, I'm trying to change myself.  Fix myself, heal myself.  I'm thankful that there are people here taking the time to read my posts and provide thoughtful input and assistance and share their own experiences as well.  It helps and I'm grateful.

[Ad Meliora]

Lucky Jim had encouraged posting some questions, and I have many so I'll pose a few here. He also pointed to my Family of Origin, so I'll talk briefly about that here.  If you have similar experiences/backgrounds it's good for me to hear.   I've been going through this alone for a year still thinking--'maybe it is all me?'

--How many people on this list come from parents that divorced when you were young?

--How many of you found your partner very attractive, physically or otherwise?

--How many found physical contact (or emotional, etc...) super intense and/or found yourself magnetically drawn to them?

As for my FOO.  My parents divorced when I was 7 and my sister was 4.  There were several custody battles where we were left floundering in the middle as pawns, especially worked over by our father.  He was upset with the outcome, mostly just financial reasons.  Our stepmom (the reason our parents divorced) resented us greatly and never hid it.  She was jealous of the time and energy my father spent with us.  He could be verbally abusive and get hot headed at times even though that anger was rarely directed just at us kids.  When you're a kid, you don't know the difference though.

I came to understand he was just human and fallible.  I've long forgiven his actions and have tried not to repeat some of the same mistakes in my relationships, but that's surprisingly hard.  My sister was less forgiving and never made up with my father even when he was dying of cancer 18 years ago.  She resented how we were treated especially by our stepmother, and blames our father for it.

In researching BPD I've come to see my sister's partner of more than 25 years has a personality disorder.  It wasn't really clear at first, but these last 15 years the monster has reared its head.  It's to the point where he's taken her out to the woods of Wisconsin (USA) and I rarely see her maybe a couple times a year for a couple of hours.  We are not allowed to discuss her partner during those times (me and my mom).  I haven't seen him for 5 years now.  My sister blamed me and my mom for "setting him off".  Since it's been 5 years, and we haven't seen him, then shouldn't everything now be fine then?  You know the answer.

My last long term relationship of 15 years was with a woman with Bipolar Disorder (BiPD).  Sounds bad, but her illness didn't necessarily hurt me directly or alter my brain chemistry.  Sure, hurtful things were done, but I could be a good caregiver and eventually the mania would end or I could make her laugh at the bottom of her depression.  Everyone likes a clown...maybe.

So as far as FOO, it seems like my sister and I are a little broken when it comes to the romantic partner relationships.  I think we just want to help them, really really, really, bad.  My sister met her partner in high school and that's about where their emotional maturity level is.  A friend called it a Folie à deux, sounds about right.

From therapy 18 years ago I already identified some underlying anxiety that comes from divorcing parents and certainly a fear of abandonment in primary relationships--so I am conscious of those at play in my behaviors.

Any thoughts? Things to share on FOO or my questions at the beginning?  Thanks for reading.