Wounded and under seige

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm wounded.  My former therapist (I moved) suspects that both my 84-year-old mother and her identical twin sister have BPD.  

My mother is like a 12-year-old who is low on the totem pole in a clique where my brother is the popular person and I'm outside the clique and she is cruel to me whenever my brother demonizes me, then changes her tune and begs for my love and attention.  

I'm trying to keep my focus on things I can control, but the two of them can be so emotionally cruel that it takes me days to calm down after each interaction and focus again on my daily tasks.  

I didn't notice my mother's BPD so much until after my father died in 2016.  At that time, my brother and mother began an alliance against me, blocking me from receiving the money my father wanted me to have to start a business.  My brother inherited the family business and I inherited a small property that my brother used for his business.  My brother thus received 95% of my parents' assets and I receive 5% because I did not want the family business (my father previously offered me 40% due to my brother and his family's sweat equity, but I wanted to pursue my own dream with an inheritance, not my father's dream.  His parents had given him an inheritance which allowed him to quit his corporate job and pursue a dream.  I wished to do the same.  

Prior to my father's death, he must have felt guilty for giving my brother so much and me so little, so he verbally instructed my brother to get a loan and give me money to start a business.  

My dad never put it in writing.  It was a verbal request that my brother did not tell me about until it slipped three years later.  At the time of my dad's request, he and my mother had already gifted us the assets in 2012, 4 years prior to my dad's passing to avoid my brother having to pay estate taxes.  But it was done by creating small corporations (LLC's) (one for each of us) and placing the assets (property for me, family business for my brother) into the respective LLCs, and giving each of us 96% of the assets, which had no voting rights, and splitting the remaining 4 % between my parents. But these 4% (2% per parent) contained 100% of the voting rights, thus they retained control of the "gifts" until their respective deaths.    

So when my father died, my brother was the executor of the estate, and never explained the setup to me -- I realize now that by doing that he was able to gain de facto control of my inheritance by controlling my mother.
 
He wanted to control my property because his business uses it in the summer and he was paranoid that I would sabotage him, so he had my mother declare herself (legal, since she had the voting shares, but unethical) as the General Manager of the company in a "special meeting" of my LLC.  Then the next day, he held another "special meeting" where my dad's voting shares were transferred to me -- a day too late to vote against my mother declaring herself manager.  I was totally unaware of this until two years later.  My brother then handed my mother some contracts to sign, giving him the right to use my property at whatever terms he wanted -- including free.  The property was in a remote area, and I rarely went there.  

I knew my brother used the property, but he only used it lightly and there was an unwritten agreement set up by my dad that the business would use the property each summer in exchange for some upkeep and paying the property taxes.  

Then one day I went to the property and discovered he was using it to a more full extent than I was aware of without my knowledge, consent, or any plans to pay me.  I checked with my mother, who also didn't know the property was being used. But she told me that if he was just using it for a day or so, it should be ok (each day has a market value of $1000 per day, but my brother has brainwashed her (and me) into believing it has no market value, so he should be able to use it without any compensation).

 When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't budget to pay me.  

When I did some research and found the market value for his use of the property, he told me I didn't have the legal right to negotiate a contract with him over this. This is when I found out he had arranged to have my mother be the General Manager of the LLC the prior year and had signed contracts with her.

My mom thinks the sun rises and sets in him. My mother and I  always had a good relationship, but since my dad died, my brother makes a habit of demonizing me and my mother goes along with it and becomes abusive and treats me with contempt. I get hurt and distance myself.  Then my mother begins calling me up and begging me to come and see her, spend time with her, she loves me, etc.  

My mother is kind to me until my brother comes over and starts complaining.  

My brother has also convinced her that he should not have to get a loan to give me money to start a business because he has lied to her about the value of the business (he says value has gone down when it has doubled), he has too much debt (his debt is nearly half of what it was when my father gave him the business), There is no legal obligation because there is no order signed by my father using his voting rights, etc.  

And my mom believes everything he tells her. He even convinced her that she was the one that should give me money to start a business -- and she doesn't understand that she can't because all her assets except for her car were given to my brother as part of the business.  

Then they just sit around and drink and demonize me for everything -- including things I have done, things they have exaggerated, and things they have made up about me.  

When I got upset after discovering that my brother had de facto control, his wife was the legal office contact according to filings with the state, my mother was the General Manager and I had no say over my property and he was FRAUDULENTLY using it as he wished, my brother and mother then decided to try and punish me by my brother taunting me that he would not use the property anymore because he didn't like the way I handled him using the property to a greater extent.  (aka me finding out he was committing fraud against me and that he had arranged for himself to have defacto control via my mom.) and I would have to pay upkeep and property taxes.  

He would taunt me in a nasty voice, chanting "Where are you going to get the money to pay the taxes? " over and over.  My mother would also repeat the same taunt at me.  

It is so hurtful.

 I got a lawyer and found that my mother has a legal obligation to manage it in my best interest and that I could demand a financial review.  So I ordered my mother to find someone else to lease the property (thus covering property taxes and upkeep).  Her response was to cruelly yell at me "I'm not doing ANYTHING for you!"  I texted my brother that she had a legal right, or my lawyer could file a petition to have her removed, and the info in the peption about their actions would likely be published in the town paper (we are a rural area and they look at court filings and publish the juicy ones).  Within a week, they had magically found someone else to lease the property.  

When I provided my mother and sister in law (the legal office contact for my inheritance) with a list of information I needed for the financial review, they began demonizing me for that audacity of making them work (my mom is paid a yearly fee for being the General Manager) and because it was no longer in my brother's interest to keep them in control, they decided to quit.  

So theoretically, the power is now transferring to me, but it is taking time and I'm afraid my mother and brother are trying to mess with my inheritance again because my mom said my brother called up the lawyer and gave instructions and the lawyer told my brother only my mom could give that advice.  She is awaiting a document to provide to the lawyer to tell him what she wants done.  

If this were transferred in a straightforward manner, my mother and I would convene a business meeting, we would vote on me becoming the manager and sign the meeting minute and then I could take care of all the documentation and file it with the state in under 2 hours.   But they are messing around with something legal and it makes me feel unsafe.  

Just as a point of clarification, my mother lacks any form of business acumen.  She is very naive.  Let me generously say her talents lay elsewhere.  

Now that my brother is no longer using the property, I have been given permission to put it up for sale, but the realtor is telling me a property like this might take 18 months to sell.  

I'm currently medically disabled, so I depend upon the sale of this for financial security and I am frightened what things my brother might come up with between now and then.  

I find my mind going to very dark places. I'm hurt. I'm angry.  I'm fearful I'm about to get broadsided again.  I want to just be centered and not think about this and focus on my own goals and move forward with my life, but I keep getting sucked back into it.  

Thanks for reading and for your support.  

[SunnyJoy]

I'm wounded.  My former therapist (I moved) suspects that both my 84-year-old mother and her identical twin sister have BPD.  

My mother is like a 12-year-old who is low on the totem pole in a clique where my brother is the popular person and I'm outside the clique and she is cruel to me whenever my brother demonizes me, then changes her tune and begs for my love and attention.  

I'm trying to keep my focus on things I can control, but the two of them can be so emotionally cruel that it takes me days to calm down after each interaction and focus again on my daily tasks.  

I didn't notice my mother's BPD so much until after my father died in 2016.  At that time, my brother and mother began an alliance against me, blocking me from receiving the money my father wanted me to have to start a business.  My brother inherited the family business and I inherited a small property that my brother used for his business.  My brother thus received 95% of my parents' assets and I receive 5% because I did not want the family business (my father previously offered me 40% due to my brother and his family's sweat equity, but I wanted to pursue my own dream with an inheritance, not my father's dream.  His parents had given him an inheritance which allowed him to quit his corporate job and pursue a dream.  I wished to do the same.  

Prior to my father's death, he must have felt guilty for giving my brother so much and me so little, so he verbally instructed my brother to get a loan and give me money to start a business.  

My dad never put it in writing.  It was a verbal request that my brother did not tell me about until it slipped three years later.  At the time of my dad's request, he and my mother had already gifted us the assets in 2012, 4 years prior to my dad's passing to avoid my brother having to pay estate taxes.  But it was done by creating small corporations (LLC's) (one for each of us) and placing the assets (property for me, family business for my brother) into the respective LLCs, and giving each of us 96% of the assets, which had no voting rights, and splitting the remaining 4 % between my parents. But these 4% (2% per parent) contained 100% of the voting rights, thus they retained control of the "gifts" until their respective deaths.    

So when my father died, my brother was the executor of the estate, and never explained the setup to me -- I realize now that by doing that he was able to gain de facto control of my inheritance by controlling my mother.
 
He wanted to control my property because his business uses it in the summer and he was paranoid that I would sabotage him, so he had my mother declare herself (legal, since she had the voting shares, but unethical) as the General Manager of the company in a "special meeting" of my LLC.  Then the next day, he held another "special meeting" where my dad's voting shares were transferred to me -- a day too late to vote against my mother declaring herself manager.  I was totally unaware of this until two years later.  My brother then handed my mother some contracts to sign, giving him the right to use my property at whatever terms he wanted -- including free.  The property was in a remote area, and I rarely went there.  

I knew my brother used the property, but he only used it lightly and there was an unwritten agreement set up by my dad that the business would use the property each summer in exchange for some upkeep and paying the property taxes.  

Then one day I went to the property and discovered he was using it to a more full extent than I was aware of without my knowledge, consent, or any plans to pay me.  I checked with my mother, who also didn't know the property was being used. But she told me that if he was just using it for a day or so, it should be ok (each day has a market value of $1000 per day, but my brother has brainwashed her (and me) into believing it has no market value, so he should be able to use it without any compensation).

 When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't budget to pay me.  

When I did some research and found the market value for his use of the property, he told me I didn't have the legal right to negotiate a contract with him over this. This is when I found out he had arranged to have my mother be the General Manager of the LLC the prior year and had signed contracts with her.

My mom thinks the sun rises and sets in him. My mother and I  always had a good relationship, but since my dad died, my brother makes a habit of demonizing me and my mother goes along with it and becomes abusive and treats me with contempt. I get hurt and distance myself.  Then my mother begins calling me up and begging me to come and see her, spend time with her, she loves me, etc.  

My mother is kind to me until my brother comes over and starts complaining.  

My brother has also convinced her that he should not have to get a loan to give me money to start a business because he has lied to her about the value of the business (he says value has gone down when it has doubled), he has too much debt (his debt is nearly half of what it was when my father gave him the business), There is no legal obligation because there is no order signed by my father using his voting rights, etc.  

And my mom believes everything he tells her. He even convinced her that she was the one that should give me money to start a business -- and she doesn't understand that she can't because all her assets except for her car were given to my brother as part of the business.  

Then they just sit around and drink and demonize me for everything -- including things I have done, things they have exaggerated, and things they have made up about me.  

When I got upset after discovering that my brother had de facto control, his wife was the legal office contact according to filings with the state, my mother was the General Manager and I had no say over my property and he was FRAUDULENTLY using it as he wished, my brother and mother then decided to try and punish me by my brother taunting me that he would not use the property anymore because he didn't like the way I handled him using the property to a greater extent.  (aka me finding out he was committing fraud against me and that he had arranged for himself to have defacto control via my mom.) and I would have to pay upkeep and property taxes.  

He would taunt me in a nasty voice, chanting "Where are you going to get the money to pay the taxes? " over and over.  My mother would also repeat the same taunt at me.  

It is so hurtful.

 I got a lawyer and found that my mother has a legal obligation to manage it in my best interest and that I could demand a financial review.  So I ordered my mother to find someone else to lease the property (thus covering property taxes and upkeep).  Her response was to cruelly yell at me "I'm not doing ANYTHING for you!"  I texted my brother that she had a legal right, or my lawyer could file a petition to have her removed, and the info in the peption about their actions would likely be published in the town paper (we are a rural area and they look at court filings and publish the juicy ones).  Within a week, they had magically found someone else to lease the property.  

When I provided my mother and sister in law (the legal office contact for my inheritance) with a list of information I needed for the financial review, they began demonizing me for that audacity of making them work (my mom is paid a yearly fee for being the General Manager) and because it was no longer in my brother's interest to keep them in control, they decided to quit.  

So theoretically, the power is now transferring to me, but it is taking time and I'm afraid my mother and brother are trying to mess with my inheritance again because my mom said my brother called up the lawyer and gave instructions and the lawyer told my brother only my mom could give that advice.  She is awaiting a document to provide to the lawyer to tell him what she wants done.  

If this were transferred in a straightforward manner, my mother and I would convene a business meeting, we would vote on me becoming the manager and sign the meeting minute and then I could take care of all the documentation and file it with the state in under 2 hours.   But they are messing around with something legal and it makes me feel unsafe.  

Just as a point of clarification, my mother lacks any form of business acumen.  She is very naive.  Let me generously say her talents lay elsewhere.  

Now that my brother is no longer using the property, I have been given permission to put it up for sale, but the realtor is telling me a property like this might take 18 months to sell.  

I'm currently medically disabled, so I depend upon the sale of this for financial security and I am frightened what things my brother might come up with between now and then.  

I find my mind going to very dark places. I'm hurt. I'm angry.  I'm fearful I'm about to get broadsided again.  I want to just be centered and not think about this and focus on my own goals and move forward with my life, but I keep getting sucked back into it.  

Thanks for reading and for your support.  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi SunnnyJoy, 

I'm so glad that you shared the mixed up mess with us, and I am so sorry for the way you've been and are being treated. It's bad enough when it's a co-worker of friend, and it's so much worse when it's family.

I suspect you've known for some time that things have been 'off' and not right as far as your family's interactions. How long have you been aware, and how did you wander down the path of thinking BPD might be the issue? I'm curious about your story, so please do share more when you have the time and energy.

You'll find this to be a great place where there are a lot of listening ears and caring hearts. I've been there. My mom was an uBPD. The pain of going through what we have, being raised by a pwBPD,  is or can be life altering. Sounds like a good time for some self care that focuses on you and not them.   

Wools

[zachira]

My heart hurts hearing how you are being mistreated and taken advantage of by your brother and mother after your father passed away. Of course, you are hurt and angry. I am in a somewhat similar situation with my siblings after my mother died. There are ways to get an LLC dissolved and get the exclusive rights to manage what you have inherited, though it can be very expensive and a long painful process. There are many stories on the internet about how complicated the relationships between family members can become after a key family member passes away and there is an inheritance being abused, especially when the wrong people have been given the power to control the assets. There are also some good legal web sites and free law libraries in which you can do your own research. I have a wonderful law library in my area in which the librarians are all lawyers. Keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here to listen and support you in the long road ahead.