Anger after breakup - how to deal with it?

[Charlotte73]

This is my first post here, I've been reading here for a year I think, when my rs with my now ex started getting hard.

I came to the conclusion that it's not possible to have a healthy rs with my ex, but I still love her. So I've removed everything reminding of her, put pictures in a place not easy to reach but I might want to look at them in the future. Everything is blocked and my closest friends and family have her blocked as well, she has been contacting them through the rs when angry. I have someone new I think about, so I can see a way going forward without her.

But I have such anger and resentment against my ex, stemming from her lies, her physically abusing me and her stealing from me when the rs ended. As we've always have had killer chemistry even when having arguments I would really have liked to actually become friends when the feelings have subsided in the future. But her behaving really unacceptable makes that impossible, that also is a source of anger for me.

So, any advice? Breaking no contact is not an option, I work out lots to get rid of anger and focus on my work. I've been thinking of finding a therapist experienced in DV, that couldn't be wrong. I sometimes vent a little with good friends but don't want to obess over my ex.

[arjay]

So, any advice? Breaking no contact is not an option, I work out lots to get rid of anger and focus on my work. I've been thinking of finding a therapist experienced in DV, that couldn't be wrong. I sometimes vent a little with good friends but don't want to obess over my ex.

Greetings.  I know that emotional place to which you allude.  Not going to kid you, it is a process that I liken to the motion of the "closing of a screen door"; it swings wildly in the beginning and over time, the swings become less intense; gradually subsiding.

I read books (self-help) such as learning healthy boundaries; etc and working on myself (a year of counseling too).  I remember the words of a Buddhist monk (one of the book I read):
"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

It doesn't mean we ignore the horrible experience or give them a free pass. It means we do those things to be "kind" to ourselves and see the other person as they are.  Assessing why we even got into the relationship with someone like this, can often be enlightening as well.  We don't want to repeat!

[once removed]

i think like any other emotion, it has to be acknowledged, validated, worked through, and processed.

i remember that stage came much later on for me in my Detaching process. maybe it was better than all of the grief and depression, but it lingered, and i fixated on it, and the feelings of injustice about it all just drove me crazy.

for me, putting it in writing, and doing particular exercises helped me to both channel and vent my anger. for some, it works to just go get a punching bag!

what do you tend to do to vent anger historically?

[Charlotte73]

Greetings.  I know that emotional place to which you allude.  Not going to kid you, it is a process that I liken to the motion of the "closing of a screen door"; it swings wildly in the beginning and over time, the swings become less intense; gradually subsiding.

I read books (self-help) such as learning healthy boundaries; etc and working on myself (a year of counseling too).  I remember the words of a Buddhist monk (one of the book I read):
"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

It doesn't mean we ignore the horrible experience or give them a free pass. It means we do those things to be "kind" to ourselves and see the other person as they are.  Assessing why we even got into the relationship with someone like this, can often be enlightening as well.  We don't want to repeat!

Hi. That's a good description of those fluctuating feelings - on top of the world one day, next day so angry etc.

I'm usually ok at not holding onto anger, thinking it's only me it hurts. But this feels like a waste, why did she do her best to destroy the beautiful thing we had, our connection and shared dark humour...

Yes, why did I get into a rs with her...I've been asking myself that a lot.

[Charlotte73]

i think like any other emotion, it has to be acknowledged, validated, worked through, and processed.

i remember that stage came much later on for me in my Detaching process. maybe it was better than all of the grief and depression, but it lingered, and i fixated on it, and the feelings of injustice about it all just drove me crazy.

for me, putting it in writing, and doing particular exercises helped me to both channel and vent my anger. for some, it works to just go get a punching bag!

what do you tend to do to vent anger historically?

Anger is often what comes quite early for me, after acute grief. It can feel ok for a limited time as it gives me lots of energy to focus on work and other things. I should put it in writing, haven't tried that. I should look into other exercises for working through all this anger.

I usually talk with my close friends and family, but this time I'm not so keen on bringing this dark cloud onto them. When I have done it a little they always get appalled by my exes behaviour, which makes me think I have grown too used to her absurd actions. So it gets to be too much and makes me think "how did I even accept a small amount of that?"