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Author Topic: BPD Mom died...so many emotions  (Read 1716 times)
nyartgal

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« on: August 29, 2021, 11:05:24 AM »

Well...it finally happened. You know your parents will die one day, and now both of mine are gone.

I have posted on here a few times in the past months since my uBPD/NPD mom had a stroke on June 12. A stroke she herself caused by not taking her meds against doctor's warnings, because she was hoping she would have more energy without them. It didn't work to give her more energy, but it did work to give her a stroke.

Suffice it to say, I am feeling a LOT of feelings. My Mom was high functioning, and amazingly generous to people, someone who was always helping others. People who didn't know her well saw her as a kind of angel, which of course she loved. I imagine that her almost compulsive need to help/give was a way to offset her feelings of worthlessness at a deep level, or maybe to compensate for her abusive, controlling, manipulative behavior. Who knows. Both things are true, her generosity and her illness.

She also LIVED for my career successes and was always showing off me and my kids to people. She was the most supportive mother on the planet when it came to that. I'm an artist and she was always behind me a million percent. At times when I lost faith or confidence in myself, she always picked me up, gave me money, etc.

At the same time, she treated my husband like garbage and favored my daughter over my son to a point that it was soon going to become problematic as they were starting to get old enough to see it.

However, despite the positives, she still had uBPD/NPD and her behavior was so similar to many, many stories on this message board, too many to enumerate. The massive anger, volatility, pathological need to build people up and then tear them down, splitting, guilt trips, personal digs, manipulation, threats...you know the drill. I am one of the few people from the inner circle of the family who still spoke to her. My older brother went LC 30+ years ago and basically NC for over 10 years. Except for her lovely elderly husband, locally it's just been me. And since her stroke I have had to deal with every medical thing by myself which was constant and very difficult as after the stroke she devolved into psychosis and became a physically abusive, screaming, crying, unable to speak menace who scratched my stepfather until he was covered in bloody scabs. It was beyond horrifying.

I also had to write her obituary, plan her memorial service (this coming week), go through her papers (see below), etc. Alone, because she has alienated anyone who could help me.

She had bragged to me for years that she had gotten all of her affairs in order so that when she died, it would be super easy for me. I knew that she wasn't leaving anything to my brother, and made her tell him so a decade ago, which she of course did in the form of a horribly abusive long email that she "accidentally" sent before it was done and then wanted me to call my brother to explain. Hell no! I have spent my entire life trying to stay out of that and every other relationship she had.

Contrary to what she told me, her affairs are messy, it won't be easy at all, and she left very minimal info about who to leave her vast collection of stuff (including a large storage space filled with who knows what). Her will was from 2009 and totally out of date, from when she owned her apt which she sold many years ago. My stepfather can barely handle getting through the day, so this too is all on me. Yes, I will inherit a lot of money, but damn. I earned it and will continue having to earn it. Thanks, Mom.

Meanwhile, I am getting messages from so many people telling me what an amazing daughter I am and how proud my Mom was of me. Really? I do think my Mom was very proud of me in some ways---I think that her ego was so based on my successes, she lived through me and bragged about me to everyone in a way that was kind of cute but also made me uncomfortable. I felt like she was kind of taking credit or using me to reflect glory on her.

But as a daughter? How many emails, messages, conversations have I endured over my lifetime about how I was a crappy daughter. How I wasn't close enough, didn't call/visit/write/etc enough, why wouldn't I be her best friend, how I was disloyal or negligent or a disappointment. She could tell me how proud she was of me one day, and the next explode with a 15 paragraph email about how I was a bad daughter. Some real mind control BS.

This is just one of many examples of something that's been on my mind before, but especially since my Mom died a week ago: that I had to live in her reality, we could never live in MY reality. Whatever it was---a phobia, a fight with someone who had done nothing wrong, or just taking out her anxiety on whoever was available---in her reality it was normal and justified. So in order to maintain a relationship with her, it had to be in her reality, on her terms.

My reality was not even a thought. My mother never apologized to me once in the past 46+ years. If I ever gave her even the slightest criticism I got volcanic defensiveness in return. Or even if I did nothing, I would get that for some perceived slight!

Basically, although I was successful at instituting boundaries that allowed us to maintain a relationship that wasn't completely terrible, I lived in fear of her anger, or in response to it. She got to tell me all the ways I didn't "deliver" what she wanted in a daughter, but I never even allowed myself to IMAGINE the kind of mother I would have liked to have had. I could come to terms with what she was, but to even contemplate another theoretical mother, or a lot of other feelings, was to betray her. And to betray her would be the worst thing I could do in her perverse system of "loyalty," which she treasured above all else.

So here I am, feeling so many things: sadness, grief, anger, resentment, loss, liberation, relief. I'm also feeling safety. And I am also realizing that there are so many things I repressed or wouldn't allow myself to feel or think while she was alive. What about what *I* wanted in a relationship with my mother? My reality didn't matter, it was pointless to even bring up my point of view about our relationship to her because in her self-concept, she could do no wrong.

I love my mother deeply. She really did love me in her way, I know it. But she also abused me and everyone around me, and damaged people I care about, and our relationships with each other from the fallout. She left me with a mess of money and estate stuff to sort out. She left me in an awkward situation with my brother, because although he's known for so many years that she wasn't leaving him anything, I think he still wants me to give him money (that she expressly wrote in her will I couldn't, and made me promise I wouldn't after he died). I want to give his son, my nephew, a big chunk for college at least. But it's a terrible position for me to be in! WTF, Mom?

I did recently go back to therapy with the therapist who first told me my Mom was likely BPD and helped me understand my dysfunctional family so much. I am very happy to have someone to talk to who is outside of all of this.

But I wonder---and maybe some of you who have been through losing a BPD parent can relate---what do I DO with all of these feelings? How do I reconcile it all? I don't want to just remember the bad stuff but so much of it is flooding into my memory. It's as if there are all of these realities, like different dimensions or parallel galaxies, and I have to somehow reconcile them into one.

I feel so deeply sad for her that she suffered for 83 years with an undiagnosed and untreated mental health problem that hurt her more than anyone else. She didn't want to be this way---she had no choice. And she refused to seek any help, which obviously was a choice.

Sorry this is so long...it's really hard to explain this type of thing to anyone who doesn't have a BPD mom. It's really such a deep mindf*ck.

Thank you if you have read this far! You are probably the only people on earth who can really understand my story.  With affection (click to insert in post)

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zachira
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« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2021, 12:19:02 PM »

My condolences on the loss of a mother who did so many hurtful things while appearing to be loving at times and was so difficult to understand. My mother with BPD died two years ago and I am still grieving and dealing with the terrible turmoil created by family members that occurred in her last years and after her death. We are here to listen and support you. It is so sad and challenging to grieve a mother who had a fluctuating sense of self; you never knew which sides of her would show up and with whom.
« Last Edit: August 29, 2021, 12:24:12 PM by zachira » Logged

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« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2021, 05:53:42 PM »

NYartgal, I am sorry for your losses.  I read your post to the end, and thought in some ways, we could be sisters, except that your mom has passed, and mine is still living.  I can relate to so much of what you wrote.  I know that when the day comes that my mom passes, I too will be reeling from all the mixed emotions. 

Since I haven't experienced the loss yet, it's hard to know how it's going to affect me, but I know it will be rough.

Try to give yourself time to process the memories, the trauma, and the emotions.  Be patient with yourself.  Don't will the feelings to end, because that may make them last longer.  Instead, just feel them, and move your way through it. May your art be a sidekick therapist?  Perhaps some of your best pieces are yet to come. 

As an aside, it seems to be bothering you somewhat that your mother stipulated in the Will that your brother get nothing. A best friend of ours was the executor when her last parent died.  There were multiple siblings, and like your mom, the parent had stipulated that one of the children was to get nothing from the estate.  Our friend fanangled it so that the sibling got a share. I think the money went into the executor's account, and then she cut a personal cheque to her brother.  In that way, I guess she honoured both the Will, and her own values.

I am sorry that your mom's affairs were not in order, despite her saying that they were.  I hope you have support for navigating this.  It is such a long process.  It is good that you are seeing a therapist again, and one that knows BPD. 

Extra pampering and self-care is going to be helpful.  Take good care of YOU. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Again, my condolences.  You were the best daughter you could be.  Feel your feelings, and when you are ready, release them, and let them go.

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Woolspinner2000
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« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2021, 08:05:29 PM »

Hi nyartgal,

I am sorry to hear of your mom's passing. My uBPDm passed away 9 years ago this month. I can relate to so much of what you wrote as I suspect others here can as well.

Excerpt
what do I DO with all of these feelings? How do I reconcile it all? I don't want to just remember the bad stuff but so much of it is flooding into my memory. It's as if there are all of these realities, like different dimensions or parallel galaxies, and I have to somehow reconcile them into one. 

I experienced much of the same thing during the days approaching my mom's passing and especially afterwards. I put on the face that I needed to for her memorial because I could see the grief in the faces and tears of the friends who loved her and saw her as such a great human being. She would give anyone the shirt off her back and had such a huge sense of compassion, but it was for those who didn't live with her. My mind tried to wrap around any sense of reality, and maybe I was the one all mixed up? No, the truth was that she was an uBPD, and my siblings and dad could most certainly attest to what others never saw.

It took time to sort through all the emotions. You just need to stay present in the moment you are in at any given time. The emotions will work their way out with time. My T helped me a lot during that time, and it wasn't until my mom's passing that the work on deeper healing for me really began. Do you have a T?

Be kind to yourself on a daily basis if you can. Self care will help you get through this. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Wools
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« Reply #4 on: September 06, 2021, 12:40:33 AM »

I was the disinherited sibling; my brother felt so guilty about it, he finally told me a few weeks before my mother died, the secret that my UBPD mother had changed the trust 6 years previously, and against my deceased father's wishes, disinherited me. He was the golden child; I was the black sheep. I am a good, generous, hard working person, but the family dynamics are brutal. It is terribly hurtful to have a parent totally disinherit you. As I have repeatedly said, it is not about the money, it is about what it represents. No inheritance equates to no love; I was not good enough for what ever reason, to even inherit 1/2 of my father's estate, which he specified in his will.

My brother eventually gave me my father's 1/2 share of the not large estate. Thank you. However the whole situation has totally ruined our relationship and we are no longer speaking. The gift didn't make up for my mother's rejection and his complicity.

Since you are the only beneficiary, you can handle this as you would like. There is no one to oversee or challenge your decision. My advice is to be kind to your brother and voluntarily give him a fair share of the estate. My mother intentionally drove a stake through us, damaging us both in the process and severing our relationship. I hate to see that happen to another family.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2021, 07:01:32 AM »

I am sorry for your loss.

Living life is right- How the estate is divided is far more than the material value. To me, it also confers that the deceased valued the relationship. The uneven distribution creates a wedge that can not be repaired, The deceased person can't fix it.

My BPD mother was angry at me at the time my father died and I was disinherited. I don't really care if she chooses to do that, but I wasn't able to tell if it was her decision or my father's decision- and that mattered to me because, I wanted to know that I mattered to him and because he was gone, I didn't have a way to really know.

She was angry, but I didn't think she'd go so far as to do that. I didn't expect anything material from my parents in terms of financial gifts, but my father had some sentimental items that I wanted. I also don't think she anticipated the effects of her decision, as she's been trying to backtrack over it. She had involved her extended family in this. While there were other issues involved, this changed the relationship and we didn't speak for years. I still don't feel comfortable around them.

She later on wrote me back in her will, but I never expected any inheritance. None of this has anything to do with financial gain. There is some value to the sentimental items but I would not ever try to sell them. I do have some of them now, as she backtracked on her decision, and while I am grateful to have them, it didn't fix the damage to the relationships, and while her family members have made contact with me, it's much harder for me to trust the relationship. Before this, I didn't question if my father and extended family members cared about me. Now, I don't feel I can trust anyone in my mother's circle.

So I emphasize that the gesture of splitting any estate fairly goes far beyond just the monetary value. I think it's a wonderful idea to do something like a trust for a college fund for his children. Your brother may have a significant need that he doesn't feel comfortable telling you about. For whatever reason your mother decided to leave him out, she can't repair this now. But you can make a different decision and choose to not perpetuate this.

« Last Edit: September 06, 2021, 07:08:48 AM by Notwendy » Logged
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« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2021, 02:19:38 PM »

Thank you, Notwendy, for so eloquently validating my comments. I had no idea of the disinheritance until shortly before my mother died. I still saw her and tried to be a helpful dutiful daughter in those 6 years after the trust was changed, while my brother, his wife, and my mother, kept the secret. 4 years have now passed, and I still think about it occasionally, and how incredibly hurtful this was. Again, it is not about the money, but about how a family chooses to show love and respect. At the end I received neither. My father always stood up for me against my mother, but after he was gone, she could then privately vent her displeasure, and got my brother and his wife to go along with her. I see this as the last vengeful act of a deranged mind, a final 'now I've got you, you son of a b^&%!' I realize I am the better, more adult person than the three of them, and choose to have no relationship with my sibling and his wife who made the choices they did and helped throw me under the bus.

Your brother apparently had a much different relationship with your mother than you; that doesn't make it wrong. Perhaps he spoke up more to her, as I did, and that incurred her wrath. Perhaps he would no longer take her BS, and that made her even more wrathful. Us scapegoats tend to get hammered because we won't put up with all the crazy. That doesn't paint him as a bad person or unworthy of love.

You now have the power to choose to help right the wrong your mother created. By sharing the estate and helping his children you can help heal the rift.

A friend of mine was the executor of his parent's trust; after his mother died, he discovered his sister had been disinherited. He didn't feel it was fair; he consulted with his attorney, was essentially told he could handle it however he chose, there was no one to complain about it. He subsequently split the estate with his sister. My brother, upon being told this true story, decided to give me 1/4 of the estate, which is 1/2 of my father's share, which was in my father's will and disregarded, keeping the remainder for himself and the ultimate benefit of his 4 adult children. I don't need the money; it is all about the ultimate rejection of your child and the amazing amount of hurt that goes along with that.

I had no tears when my mother died at age 97+; I don't understand how such unhappy mentally ill and frequently nasty person can live so long, when other loving, wonderful humans die far younger. It took me a year and a half to process the various feelings of her life and death and how I was ultimately treated, and come out on the other side to realize I am a good, generous, helpful person whom many people like and respect.

You are in the midst of a momentous crisis; get good advice, be kind, be true to your heart, and do what is right for you. You are the one that will have to live with the consequences of your decisions.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2021, 05:11:22 PM »

 I see this as the last vengeful act of a deranged mind

Yes, but this doesn't mean those in charge have to carry out this kind of hurtful action. Perhaps honoring the deceased would mean to honor them by doing good with the estate rather than perpetuate a hurtful act.

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nyartgal

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« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2021, 04:30:09 PM »

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful comments. My husband came down with Covid the night of her memorial service, so I haven’t even had a second to think straight or check back here. Luckily he’s vaccinated and on the mend, though still isolating while I take care of the kids etc.

I haven’t even started figuring out the estate stuff yet. My situation is different from the ones described here, and without going into the details because I am just too tired, I think the right solution is to give a nice chunk of money to my nephew for college. It is tricky, and I’m still thinking about it.

The memorial was actually very healing, so many of the people involved were people she had driven away in one way or another. It was beautiful to be reunited and also remember all of the positive ways she impacted so many people. The flip side of her BPD was incredible generosity in a variety of ways, and that is real too. She could be both unbelievably wonderful and unbelievably horrible. Both things are true, and that’s one of the hard things for all of us to reconcile.

The whole thing is really complex and sad. I am so glad to be back in therapy! I could go 5 times a week and never run out of material, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2021, 04:52:27 AM »

I like the idea of a 529 account. This way, the funds go to education expenses. They can also be transferred between immediate relatives, for instance, if the son doesn't use it, it can go to his children or another relative. I don't know the exact regulations on this, so that is something to check out, especially whose name it would be in ( they control the account).

I hope your husband is feeling better soon!
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« Reply #10 on: October 23, 2021, 05:18:29 PM »

Wow! I so appreciate what you wrote. I can't even convey how nice it is to read something I truly relate to. My probably BPD high functioning mother is still living. She is also incredibly generous  and intensely liked by many of her patients.

I wish I had something helpful to say. I have no idea how to reconcile any of it now and doubt I'll be able to do it after she dies. I just fluctuate between sympathy, sadness and anger and it's exhausting. How do you value someone who forces you live in a reality that is theirs and theirs alone? Who perhaps can't ever even know you?  How do you merge all the contradictions? And how do you mourn them?

I hope you find a way to make more sense of it all.
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Turkish
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« Reply #11 on: October 23, 2021, 08:31:58 PM »

nyartgal,

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with so much logistically and emotionally. Though I didn't experience the extent of splitting you did as good/bad child, I can relate to your mom getting emotional validation from others about your success while also telling you privately that you were not good enough or a disappointment.

Is it tricky with your nephew to start a college fund die to how your brother might take it? You could start a 529 or ESA anyway, but you'd need to know how SSN. You could also designate your brother as co-owner. You could also cut him a check(s) below IRS gift tax limits, but that depends upon him and you.

As for the storage, if you don't care to go through it, you can hold an estate sale. My buddy did that at his mom's house (single story ranch style, we only locked the MB, the rest and the garage fair game) when she died. It was like a garage sale on steroids. "Estate Sale" attracted vultures. I'd never seem anything like it in my life. He made thousands in cash, but despite 3 of us adults and his teen son handling it, we did have some people steal. It cleared out the house though.
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