update and apologies..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all from abit ago and new folks...I just wanted to give an update as it's been a bit. I am sorry I have not been around but needed a break and have been tired and busy.

So my ex indeed made it to England for those who remember...lovely and god save the queen!

My us postal job fell thru but I hooked up, literally, with Fed Ex...delivering for them...that's been an eye opener...I negotiated a raise last week of ten grand or so ( I work thru a contractor...not fed ex itself) as I am doing a good job...it's more money than I have ever made in my life to be honest. Not the greatest job in the world...but it's mine and I am doing it well.

After so many years of staying on my own and being a recluse...and after this winter and all that fell into my lap as a few of you know about...it's been good...tough...but I realize I am ok and can do things...not only that...but folks like me...sounds silly...but it has been a good life lesson to get the f**k back out there and experience things with all that that entails...some good, some bad...but at least it's real and abit alive...I didnt expect that as I had been living in fear for so long...dating a great new girl as well my age who has her sh+t together...so non BPD and tough and cool..we are going slow but steady and building which I like...Jodi...

As for the BPD ex...well...still zero contact  now after 9 months...I have no problems admitting here to friends that I still hope she dies of long horrible cancer...forgiveness can be a ruse unless deserved after all...

To be honest, I wouldn't change anything that went down at this point...not in any way...people make their own calls...and can live with them...I can live with mine and feel proud of what I not only got thru...but also how this has sharpened me up in both mind and body since...and the shadow of her and my moping has been destroyed...it needed to be that way. I had to toughen up after what I was thrown into. So be it and I did actually...I am more than fine.

To all those I used to talk to I hope you are doing great and would love to hear that...say hi...Jeff in Vermont

[cash05458]

Hey all from abit ago and new folks...I just wanted to give an update as it's been a bit. I am sorry I have not been around but needed a break and have been tired and busy.

So my ex indeed made it to England for those who remember...lovely and god save the queen!

My us postal job fell thru but I hooked up, literally, with Fed Ex...delivering for them...that's been an eye opener...I negotiated a raise last week of ten grand or so ( I work thru a contractor...not fed ex itself) as I am doing a good job...it's more money than I have ever made in my life to be honest. Not the greatest job in the world...but it's mine and I am doing it well.

After so many years of staying on my own and being a recluse...and after this winter and all that fell into my lap as a few of you know about...it's been good...tough...but I realize I am ok and can do things...not only that...but folks like me...sounds silly...but it has been a good life lesson to get the f**k back out there and experience things with all that that entails...some good, some bad...but at least it's real and abit alive...I didnt expect that as I had been living in fear for so long...dating a great new girl as well my age who has her sh+t together...so non BPD and tough and cool..we are going slow but steady and building which I like...Jodi...

As for the BPD ex...well...still zero contact  now after 9 months...I have no problems admitting here to friends that I still hope she dies of long horrible cancer...forgiveness can be a ruse unless deserved after all...

To be honest, I wouldn't change anything that went down at this point...not in any way...people make their own calls...and can live with them...I can live with mine and feel proud of what I not only got thru...but also how this has sharpened me up in both mind and body since...and the shadow of her and my moping has been destroyed...it needed to be that way. I had to toughen up after what I was thrown into. So be it and I did actually...I am more than fine.

To all those I used to talk to I hope you are doing great and would love to hear that...say hi...Jeff in Vermont

[arjay]

So my ex indeed made it to England for those who remember...lovely and god save the queen!

I remember pondering during my BPDxw "leaving/returning" stage that the only way I was going to be able to free myself from the relationship was if she moved "far away" (I had my daughter here so I couldn't).  She accepted a job and moved overseas (the universe threw me a bone!).  That was 14 years ago.  Never heard from her again and more importantly, all those negative emotions dissipated over time. It was an experience (lasted 5 years).  I, like so many here, went to emotional places I didn't know existed.

[cash05458]

Yep...I went to new emotional places as well...places I didn't know really existed...tho I could feel the fingers of them from my childhood as we all can prolly...I personally think we are triggered via these folks for some reasons...those reasons are pretty clear and understandable actually...but the point is to learn those triggers...maybe toughen up and so so fu==ing what...the less we take THEIR problems seriously the better off we are...I wanted to come back to say that ...I don't tend to get hung up on ethics really...but the more we can separate our ethics from theirs and the reasons why the better off we will be...she has to live with her things and what she did...she can or can not...she can process or not...I don't give a real sh=it ...her problem...my thing is how I deal...and that doesn't have room for whatever injustice she might have or have not done...ultimately in this spot it's about endings...the end is the end...the point is to get to that place and then move on I think...there is only so much arch or teleos to understanding "their" side...and it becomes pointless...and the final point is they aren't on their  own side anyhow...so screw it and lurch forward wounded...and deal with the scar...the faster they are forgotten and abit erased, the better...no point in dwelling in what is finally their tragedies...

[SinisterComplex]

As for the BPD ex...well...still zero contact  now after 9 months...I have no problems admitting here to friends that I still hope she dies of long horrible cancer...forgiveness can be a ruse unless deserved after all...

Cash, checking in on you. I think you are doing much better, but this thought^^^^...seriously not even worth the breath or effort. Why? The BPD in their deranged thinking would want you thinking this way. Again...control. You bow to no one and you answer to no one but yourself! So therefore...be firm and indifferent. Do not mutter such things. Instead drill the F*ck your feelings mentality in your head so you do not even think or feel that way toward the ex. I am not saying be that way toward everyone, but isolate the thought process toward the ex. Wield the power and control yourself. Remember the law of attraction is a real thing so don't put out that kind of heavy negative energy. I understand where you are coming from and I can even understand if there is humor behind it, but still just giving that support so you don't let any of that negative bullsh*t take hold ever...even when you are by yourself and not in front of anyone else.

Instead of forgiveness, bypass that altogether and just not give a sh*t! Outcome independence!

I do see in your other post you are at least on this wavelength of thought which is good.

I'm busy ASF, but I do still check in from the shadows when I get a chance. Happy and proud to see your growth though. Keep it up and keep your head up and treat the world like it is your concert stage and you are the F*cking Rockstar!

Cheers and Vaya Con Dios!

-SC-

[MeandThee29]

I remember pondering during my BPDxw "leaving/returning" stage that the only way I was going to be able to free myself from the relationship was if she moved "far away" (I had my daughter here so I couldn't).  She accepted a job and moved overseas (the universe threw me a bone!).  That was 14 years ago.  Never heard from her again and more importantly, all those negative emotions dissipated over time. It was an experience (lasted 5 years).  I, like so many here, went to emotional places I didn't know existed.

My ex was a runaway. It threw our lives into chaos, but I see now that it was a huge blessing. It allowed me to find clarity and eventually see that reconciliation was impossible. He only came back a handful of times to get things and put the house on the market. The divorce and everything else was done long distance. The last time I heard from him was on the last legal matter. Our adult children have heard from him since, but they want nothing to do with him. In his eyes, he did nothing wrong. In their eyes, he shattered everything. They've moved on with their lives and are doing beautifully.

Yes, distance is good.

[Cant breathe]

"As for the BPD ex...well...still zero contact  now after 9 months...I have no problems admitting here to friends that I still hope she dies of long horrible cancer...forgiveness can be a ruse unless deserved after all..."


I have to say I agree here. I do not wish my ex well. I wish I didn't think of him at all or was indifferent, but I think he needs to meet his karma and know the pain that he has inflicted.

[brighter future]

Hi Cash,

I'd been wondering about how you were doing since I hadn't seen you around in quite a while. I haven't been around the forum much in the last month due to being busy with my child, life, and my job. When I logged in the other day, I was glad to see your update. Congrats on the job with FedEx! Like UPS, they are a great company to work for if you can get your foot in the door.

As far as your ex goes, I was completely surprised that she followed through with her plans to move to England. That situation sounded so twisted when you described it months ago, and I'm sure the bottom will blow out of that relationship in time. That's awesome that you've met someone you enjoy spending time with. Isn't it amazing how good it feels being in a healthy relationship? Please do keep us posted on that.

As for me, I haven't run into my ex-g/f lately except for a brief encounter a month or so ago. He son saw me outside and came over to visit with me while they were visiting the grandparents that are my neighbors. She saw us talking and came over and stood in my side yard a short distance away while he and I chatted. She never said anything but stood there and giggled the whole time he and I talked. Occasionally I will look at her social media out of curiosity even though we are not friends (her profile page is now public because I suspect she wants me and others to read what she's up to). Usually she's posting about how depressing her life is, refers to mental illness, states how she can barely pay her rent, and still posts the occasional rant about how her ex-husband "abused" her during their marriage. After nearly a year and and a half since our split, there is no change in her life and still no ring from her new man even though she was telling mutual friends of ours 8 months ago that they were getting engaged soon. Good Lord I'm so glad I'm out of that situation. I can still honestly say that I could care less what she does with this guy or any other guy for that matter. That stuff used to eat me up inside. Really and truly though, I need to get to a point where I quit doing the little checks on the social media page. That's probably my only hang up at this point. As of now, I really don't harbor the anger towards her that I did last year and early this year. I still feel disappointment towards her for how she treats people and doesn't appear to value relationships and people that truly love/care for her. It's one of those situations where you just have to consider the source and the mental illness and move on, I guess.

I've been dating a nice girl for nearly two months now. We met the third week of July and have been seeing each other regularly since. She's 5 years younger than me (44 and 39), owns her own home, is a 11 year employee of the department of human services (as a supervisor), and pays her own damn bills unlike my ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. There is no weird behavior going on and no love bombing, etc. We are both laid back individuals and both enjoy simple, good fun. She has a child that is the same age as mine.

Keep in touch, my friend. Look forward to hearing more from you in the future.