Is this normal?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I noticed my ex is usually able to maintain friendships and act pretty "normal" around friends and acquaintances. He's had the same best friends for 4 years. I know he's gotten a little angry with them before and they've had some falling outs (except for one of them) but they still remain friends. However, when it comes to romantic relationships he is a roller coaster. Up and down, push and pull, back and forth. Anger outbursts, lying, etc. Seeing him maintain friendships makes me think something was wrong with ME until I remind myself he had the same cycle with his previous exs (this was confirmed by his mom). His family also gets the brunt of his disorder, but never friends. I wonder why that is.

[marv1995]

I noticed my ex is usually able to maintain friendships and act pretty "normal" around friends and acquaintances. He's had the same best friends for 4 years. I know he's gotten a little angry with them before and they've had some falling outs (except for one of them) but they still remain friends. However, when it comes to romantic relationships he is a roller coaster. Up and down, push and pull, back and forth. Anger outbursts, lying, etc. Seeing him maintain friendships makes me think something was wrong with ME until I remind myself he had the same cycle with his previous exs (this was confirmed by his mom). His family also gets the brunt of his disorder, but never friends. I wonder why that is.

[EZEarache]

Hi Marv,

I've had the same question. My best guess is that, via painful experience they learn that behaving inappropriately with non-family, will result in the end of the friendship. Sometimes, that doesn't matter to them, though.

My exwBPD has a best friend from high school that she's managed to never alienate. It was actually the reason, I felt safe entering a relationship with the ex. Her friend and I were also friends, and I had high esteem for the ex's friend.

However, I've watched my ex write off other friends, and more recently mutual friends. She only seems to be able to maintain relationships with a small select group of people.

Sometimes she laments that she has no one to turn to. However, when I used to try to get her to widen her social circle, it was a "hurtful" thing for me to suggest. She's always claimed to be an introvert, and doesn't feel comfortable in social settings. Before I understood fully what was going, I thought this line of reasoning seemed inappropriate. Now I realize it was just part of the condition. "Making new friends is scary because they can and probably will abandon me."

I've been curious about this phenomena to hold onto a few close friends, as well.

[Shaken54]

The answer to your question is yes its normal for a disordered person with BPD to act this way, see with friends there is no chance of them becoming engulfed or triggering their fear of abandonment. That is reserved for the person closest to them their romantic partner/favorite person, it is just how their thought process works.

I have been through this too and I get it this leaves you scratching your head wondering why everyone else gets along with them but you seem to be on this roller coaster with them. This type of behavior is damaging to you with the push/pull dynamic, unfortunately it will not change every time you go back the idealization will be shorter and the devaluing with happen again. The only way they will improve and even that is not guaranteed is if they accept they need help and they choose to get help and stick with the hard work that goes along with it.

For your own mental health if they are not self aware and seeking help back away and go no contact, you need to understand that relationships are a trigger for BPD in themselves.

Best of luck

[once removed]

intimate relationships can bring out the best and worst in all of us.

the closer and more intimate the relationship, the greater the potential risk of getting hurt, of losing it, etc.

its also a very different kind of relationship, with sex, romance, and all of the glorious complications of romantic love. not to mention, the fights are very different!

is it common that someone would struggle in their romantic relationships more so, and in different ways, than their friendships, their work relationships, their relationships with their family? absolutely.