These relationships are difficult are difficult, and often made worse when children are involved. If you truly don’t want to have kids, make sure that you are responsible for your part of birth control, as there are many stories here where BPD partners have sabotaged BC in order to ensure a pregnancy.
The thing is that I´m not sure how to talk about it with her anymore, it´s really triggering topic. I still haven´t decided for myself but what is sure that I don´t want to start a family with her if she doesn´t find a profesional help - but if I tell her this honestly she would deny that she needs any help and if that´s my point of view that there is no way it could work out between us. And all I want is that she gets better and is able to ask for help...
Many of us who find ourselves involved with a BPD partner have grown up in a family with a member who has a personality disorder. We’ve grown accustomed to behaviors that would send an emotionally healthy person running. Could that be you?
I´m an only child with very controling mother. My parents have hard time comunicating with each other. One of possible ways I´m able to describe the situation is some kind of double bind - everything seemed OK but in fact it wasn´t, my father wasn´t able to deal it with so he just let it go. I´m not sure how it was in the past but there was at least one occasion when he wanted to leave the relationship but he didn´t do it at the end. My meltdown 2 years ago was partly caused by him actually leaving my mother for someone else - as a birthday gift we took him on vacation, just me, my girlfriend and him (my mother didn´t go because it was a long flight), during the vacation I accidentaly discover that he was texting/calling with someone else and that he is in fact having an affair. The vacation got really bad because I was really angry but I didn´t confront him and instead became passive aggresive which fueled his drinking problem (in his opinion when somone drinks a few beers every day it´s perfectly normal). When we got back I confronted him, he admitted it, left but they are back together - I asked them to go to therapy together or as individuals but they dismissed it as they can deal with it by themselves (which didn´t happen during my entire life - but now it´s seems that it can suddenly happen without any outside help..). In my opinion it´s worth mentioning that there are almost no obstacles to go to therapy in my country - it´s covered by health insurance the only downside is that you have to make several calls to get a free spot somewhere. I know it´s hard to admit that you need outside help but I was there and I did it and it´s worth it and they can see I got better... The double bind scenario left me in the state that I always wonder what is wrong when everything seems OK...
Your emotional needs bucket can use some filling up in healthy ways from some of your friends or just through self care. Do you have some thoughts as to how you can do that?
I can now admit that it seems like an important thing that I really need to consider. One of my coping strategies was to totally deny existence of myself, I went great lengths to accomplish that and I was quite succesful. I misinterpreted one of physics theories about qantum mechanics - to be concrete it was "Everret´s Many worlds interpretation" - basically it allowed me to disown any decision I made because I belived that it doen´t matter how I decide because both thing will happen and I will consciously be living in one of the realities. I was able to see through it after all and started taking responsibility for my own decisions, however the definition of "myself" is still not really stable. In the first phase I denied myself, then I read many books about consciousness and how it arises within our brain and now I know that my denial in the first place wasn´t a good step but I also know that everything isn´t what it looks like at a first sight. Now I´m in phase that I see the importance on selfcare and that I wasn´t really paying attention to it in the past.
Regarding the matter of friends - our relationship got really intensive really fast and we were together 24 hours/7 days a week for at least 4 consecutive years - we were in the same class in the university and then we even got employed by the same company (our workdesks were like 6 metres apart) - I was really satisfied by this as I was troubled by the world around me and I was able to displace all my concerns for external world in our relationship bubble - that resulted in slowly losing contact with my friends to the point we barely speak anymore... Also there is this small not really important thing that she cheated on my with my bestfriend 3 years ago so I cannot talk to him anymore even I tried to...
I wanted to thank you all for reading through my post and for sending your very kind responses - it means a lot. After spending some time here and reading through strories of other people I also felt that I need to try to share it somehow outside of my therapy...
