I want to detail my 2 and a half month relationship

[WhatToDo47]

I feel you. My BPD wife of 5 years, together 6, split and abandoned me about 3 months ago.

I love her so much and miss her even more. Everyone told and is telling me to forget her and move on, including my therapist who says I’m developing PTSD.

All I can tell you is read all of the boards, and if it helps you can learn the tools on here and as much as you can about BPD.

I never thought she would reach out to me. She blocked me, had her family threaten me, told me I’m disgusting and repulsive, and much more.

Then, a few weeks ago, she blew up my phone, and we talked for hours, her saying she loves me just isn’t in love with me at the moment (seems like a common BPD thing to say) and this isn’t my fault, maybe we will figure all this out, and on and on and much more. Since then, nothing.

Thankfully, I was able to apply some of the tools on this website to keep the conversation healthy and productive. At the same time, she hasn’t cared to reach out to me since, but I’ve worked on myself since she left, so I’m detached enough to be okay and realize that no matter what I do, I ultimately can’t control her cycles, only proper therapy can.

If you still love her, my advice is give her space, work on yourself, learn about BPD and tools for healthy relationships, and really ask yourself what you want for your future.

I pray when my BPD wants to recycle, I’m too healthy to want that in my life anymore.

Let me know if I can help somehow. I feel the pain and love. Just know that there’s NOTHING you can do to control her reactions, learn but don’t blame yourself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[TigerDank1982]

Thanks for the reply. I wish I new for sure that she had it but I don't. I still feel a lot of guilt about it.

No one out in the dating market can compete with her either.   

[WhatToDo47]

Thanks for the reply. I wish I new for sure that she had it but I don't. I still feel a lot of guilt about it.

No one out in the dating market can compete with her either.   

I 100% know how you feel. I don't know for sure she has it either, even though it perfectly explains everything and she meets all the criteria.

It does seem like everyone in the dating market is bland and just not the same as her. Therapists/family/friends have tried to help by comparing a BPD relationship to a drug, like heroin. It's true that nothing can compete, but the downsides just become too much after a while. Real, healthy relationships feel different, I'm told. I sure hope that's true.

I don't know what else to say other than I feel the same way as you.

[WhatToDo47]

Check out this thread I just found. It helps a lot and I feel is relevant to my previous post/this discussion:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=351789.new#new

[ILMBPDC]

Thanks for the reply. I wish I new for sure that she had it but I don't.

Honestly it doesn't matter if she has it or not - what matters is the behavior. I go back and forth on if my ex truly has it or not - he thinks he does but it could also be cPSTD which has a lot of overlap in symptoms. He also shows some covert NPD signs. But does it really matter what he "has"?  No, what matters is how he treated me, how he reacts to things, how he easily discards people. And how *I* react to that.

I still feel a lot of guilt about it.

If you have a therapist I highly recommending discussing this with them - you have no reason to feel guilt over your ex's actions. The only person you have any control over is yourself.

No one out in the dating market can compete with her either.   

Hmmm - why is that do you think? What are you looking for that someone else can't provide?

I recently started attending Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and its been a real eye opener. They have a "laundry list" of behaviors and a list of common traits that come about from having lived with alcoholic parent(s) - I have no idea is this applies to you or not but a lot of these traits are also found in people who had generally dysfunctional childhoods - again I have no idea if this applies to you but I recognize the thoughts you have here and feel like maybe some of the following might apply?


-Extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
-Guilt feelings when standing up for themselves instead of giving in to others
-Harsh self-judgment and a very low sense of self-esteem
-An overdeveloped sense of responsibility, making it easier to be concerned with others, which enables adult children of alcoholics not to look too closely at their own faults
-Confusion between love and pity and a tendency to “love” people they can “pity” and “rescue”
-Becoming alcoholics, marrying them or both, or finding another compulsive personality such as a workaholic [or pwBPD?] to fulfill sick abandonment needs


So, that last one really hits home for me -I have come to realize I am still so attached to my ex because his emotional distance basically recreates the "familiar" feel of my childhood - I am literally recreating the deep seated need to prove that I am worthy and loveable (originally to my parents) with a man who doesn't treat me well and doesn't want me - and I have recreated this dynamic in basically all of my relationships. It's been extremely hard to admit this to myself but now that I have, I am coming to terms with it all and working on myself - the only person I can change.

I am not a therapist by any means, I am just sharing some things I have learned in my journey and hopefully give you some food for thought. Mainly - I think you understand the relationship is not healthy, so why are you clinging to it?

[GTS22]

I just joined this board yesterday, and my story sounds identical to yours.  Started dating this woman in September, and lasted 2-1/2 months.  8 incredibly amazing weeks followed by 3 tumultuous weeks where she criticized my daughter (not to her face thankfully), criticized my best friend's wife, criticized my dog, and said some other pretty ridiculous things.  I broke up with her just after Thanksgiving.  It's been 6 weeks, and I've missed her terribly, very similar to the way you feel.  I have been divorced for 5-1/2 years, and she had never been married.   We got into a fight, and I broke up with her.  After the breakup, she defriended me on social media.  I didn't hear from her for 3 weeks, and then she reached out the weekend before Christmas and said she was shocked that I didn't check on her after she had surgery the week before.  I told her that after she defriended me, I didn't think reaching out to her would have been well received.  In the next couple days, 2 of her friends reached out to me and said they were sorry to hear we had broken up, and that they liked me and I should reach out to the ex-GF.  I wished her a Merry Christmas, and then she and I traded messages back and forth a couple days later.  I was hoping to have a conversation to discuss the things that upset her and the things that upset me, and see if we could figure out a way to build on what was an otherwise amazing relationship.  She said maybe, and that she needed a few days to focus on her health after the surgery.  I found out the Monday after New Years that she is officially "in a relationship" on Facebook with another dude.  I just don't get it.  She must have known the week between Christmas and New Years that she was dating this guy.  Why would she message with me?  And how did she go from me breaking up with her, and her having a major surgery, to being in a Facebook official relationship in 5 weeks?  How do people move that quickly?  And what dude would agree to that so quickly? 

I so badly want to go back, but like you, I don't think there is any chance of that now.  Like you, my friends and family all say run for the hills.  But there was something about this woman that I can't seem to shake.