Worried I made a terrible mistake

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone, new member and first-time poster here, hoping this site can help me connect with people dealing with similar experiences to mine. Like many here, I have a uBPD mom, and I recently made what I worry may have been a big mistake: I moved back in with her.

Among my various reasons for this dubious decision was the fact that my mom works, and is currently out of the house most of the week. But, the past few days she has been on a long weekend for Labor Day, and in that short time her behavior has put me on a knife-edge. I feel stuck in red-alert status; I can't relax, and my sleep has been affected. I don't think I've felt this bad since I lived with her as a child.

It isn't that she's done anything especially outrageous. I just can't go anywhere near her without her immediately demanding attention in some way. She wants me to look at something for her, or do something with her, or listen to her tell me how bad she's feeling today. If she hears me somewhere else in the house, she's almost guaranteed to call out to me. It's a huge house, but I feel like I have no space. Of course, what makes this feel really suffocating is the knowledge of how nasty her behavior can get if she feels like she's not getting enough attention or if she becomes afraid I'll abandon her.

As a constant reminder of this—she is loud. She slams doors and bangs dishes around in the kitchen both very early in the morning and very late at night. It sounds like she's having a temper tantrum. I have called her on this behavior multiple times, including once over the past couple days, and each time her response is the same: She denies that she does it. She wasn't even in the kitchen at the time. It couldn't possibly have been her. She doesn't slam doors either. Nope, never. (I know it was her.)

It's so bad that I'm now starting at any small, sudden noise. She hasn't actually lost her temper (yet), but I'm as on-edge as if she had. All this noise and attention-seeking is a constant reminder of how unstable she actually is.

I almost feel bad complaining about her, because I think she may be trying to control this behavior. She has actually been in therapy, and I think her symptoms aren't as bad as they were when I was a child. She may even have a diagnosis she hasn't told me about (but of course, I don't want to ask). But despite all this, I know there's a limit to how much of her emotional responses she can control, and I feel like a meltdown is inevitable. Meanwhile, I also feel like I need to be constantly on guard to protect my boundaries and live my own life. Adding to my concern is the fact that she recently stopped therapy, and I'm not sure how she's going to fare moving forward.

My sister is also living with her, which is some good and some bad. At times, she is sympathetic, but when things get ugly, my mom tends to convert her into a Flying Monkey (I love this term). I am the bad guy, of course, because my sister's boundaries are weaker. (My brother, the smart one, went NC years ago. He is the Very Bad Guy, but since he isn't actually around, that leaves me.)

I feel like being in this house is re-awakening childhood trauma, and that's probably making it even harder to calm my emotions. I was not only raised by a uBPD mom but by a rage-prone dad and with a sibling suffering from early-onset schizophrenia. Despite how bad my living situation was before, I kind of regret making this change.

Added to all this is the fact that my father passed away last year, which left my mother more emotionally needy and unstable, and also left me feeling more alone. It wasn't that long ago that my mother was having violent temper tantrums at me and threatening to kill herself, all stemming from the fact that I reached out to my black sheep brother for some emotional connection after my father's passing (because I wasn't getting any from either her or my sister). One text was all it took to make me a traitor and a villain (and my sister backed up my mother, defended her abuse, and blamed me for causing the problem).

On the whole, I feel like an idiot putting myself in this situation, and I feel trapped and very worried. I've been looking around at the resources on this site, and am hoping that implementing some of the tools provided here will help. But also, obviously, just looking to connect and to vent a little bit to people who might understand.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[OchousRealFace]

Hi everyone, new member and first-time poster here, hoping this site can help me connect with people dealing with similar experiences to mine. Like many here, I have a uBPD mom, and I recently made what I worry may have been a big mistake: I moved back in with her.

Among my various reasons for this dubious decision was the fact that my mom works, and is currently out of the house most of the week. But, the past few days she has been on a long weekend for Labor Day, and in that short time her behavior has put me on a knife-edge. I feel stuck in red-alert status; I can't relax, and my sleep has been affected. I don't think I've felt this bad since I lived with her as a child.

It isn't that she's done anything especially outrageous. I just can't go anywhere near her without her immediately demanding attention in some way. She wants me to look at something for her, or do something with her, or listen to her tell me how bad she's feeling today. If she hears me somewhere else in the house, she's almost guaranteed to call out to me. It's a huge house, but I feel like I have no space. Of course, what makes this feel really suffocating is the knowledge of how nasty her behavior can get if she feels like she's not getting enough attention or if she becomes afraid I'll abandon her.

As a constant reminder of this—she is loud. She slams doors and bangs dishes around in the kitchen both very early in the morning and very late at night. It sounds like she's having a temper tantrum. I have called her on this behavior multiple times, including once over the past couple days, and each time her response is the same: She denies that she does it. She wasn't even in the kitchen at the time. It couldn't possibly have been her. She doesn't slam doors either. Nope, never. (I know it was her.)

It's so bad that I'm now starting at any small, sudden noise. She hasn't actually lost her temper (yet), but I'm as on-edge as if she had. All this noise and attention-seeking is a constant reminder of how unstable she actually is.

I almost feel bad complaining about her, because I think she may be trying to control this behavior. She has actually been in therapy, and I think her symptoms aren't as bad as they were when I was a child. She may even have a diagnosis she hasn't told me about (but of course, I don't want to ask). But despite all this, I know there's a limit to how much of her emotional responses she can control, and I feel like a meltdown is inevitable. Meanwhile, I also feel like I need to be constantly on guard to protect my boundaries and live my own life. Adding to my concern is the fact that she recently stopped therapy, and I'm not sure how she's going to fare moving forward.

My sister is also living with her, which is some good and some bad. At times, she is sympathetic, but when things get ugly, my mom tends to convert her into a Flying Monkey (I love this term). I am the bad guy, of course, because my sister's boundaries are weaker. (My brother, the smart one, went NC years ago. He is the Very Bad Guy, but since he isn't actually around, that leaves me.)

I feel like being in this house is re-awakening childhood trauma, and that's probably making it even harder to calm my emotions. I was not only raised by a uBPD mom but by a rage-prone dad and with a sibling suffering from early-onset schizophrenia. Despite how bad my living situation was before, I kind of regret making this change.

Added to all this is the fact that my father passed away last year, which left my mother more emotionally needy and unstable, and also left me feeling more alone. It wasn't that long ago that my mother was having violent temper tantrums at me and threatening to kill herself, all stemming from the fact that I reached out to my black sheep brother for some emotional connection after my father's passing (because I wasn't getting any from either her or my sister). One text was all it took to make me a traitor and a villain (and my sister backed up my mother, defended her abuse, and blamed me for causing the problem).

On the whole, I feel like an idiot putting myself in this situation, and I feel trapped and very worried. I've been looking around at the resources on this site, and am hoping that implementing some of the tools provided here will help. But also, obviously, just looking to connect and to vent a little bit to people who might understand.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

[Methuen]

It sounds like you are really on edge, even though you haven't been living back at home for long. But being within the same four walls over the long weekend, has triggered some emotions that were perhaps somewhat buried for a while?  Perhaps in making the decision to move back home, you were hoping for the best, and not thinking of the worst?

When I'm feeling kinda panicky, I have learned to coach myself to slow things (i.e. the brain) down, and a great way to redirect the brain away from these panicky thoughts and feelings (for me) is to do some repeated deep breathing exercises (4 square), in a quiet private space.  It gives the brain a chance to reset, and get rational again (and problem solve), rather than emotional (fear, trepidation, frustration etc) and reactive.

For sure you will find many useful resources on this site.  The strategies for communication and interacting with a BPD help a lot.  Having said that, the day to day can be super wearing.  I am worn down by my 85 year old BPD mom, and she lives 6 minutes away from me.  Honestly, living inside the same 4 walls isn't an option. 

Did you by any chance move back home for financial reasons? 

[OchousRealFace]

Hi Methuen, thanks for reading and for the reply! The advice on calming and reassurance is very helpful.

The move wasn't so much for financial reasons as because the place I was living in was unhealthy and physically unsafe. My sister and I are looking for another place to rent or buy, but the difficulty of finding somewhere in the current market had us discouraged, and because my mom has been lonely since dad's death and had the space, this seemed (from a distance) like a reasonable temporary solution.

Now of course, I'm worried that if/when we move out again, especially if we do it sooner than planned, my mom will feel rejected and abandoned. :/

(Edit: I did make it clear to her when we made the move that it was mean to be temporary, and she said she understood, but of course her emotional reactions are a different matter. She has trouble when I even leave the house for a little while.)

[pursuingJoy]

OchousRealFace welcome. We get it.

Your reasons for moving home were completely reasonable. Makes sense that she wants you to live there forever but that's not what you want, right? Have you set a goal date for when you want to move out?

I break it down into three parts: stuff to address, stuff to let go, and building barriers. It takes time, and you have to start small.

Stuff to address - identify your priorities and what you value, and prioritize. Set boundaries to protect what you value. Practice responses to common violations and expect some outrage when you start to change the pattern. Start with one thing and be consistent.

Stuff to let go - when my H and BPD MIL were blaming me for everything, I'd simply say to myself, "Not mine to carry" and I would emotionally disengage. Come up with a mantra to help you remember.

Building barriers - you have the most control here, so it's an easy place to start. You need a lot of support to keep you strong. Are you in therapy? Do you make time for friends? Is work a safe place? Do you have scheduled things each week that you look forward to, things that get you out of the house? Do you take over the counter medication to help you sleep? Is there a time limit to these arrangements? What is your next step and how are you working on reaching your goals?

If leaving is a challenge she'll get upset, but these are things you need to sustain yourself and keep the alarm status to a mild yellow during your extended visit. It's not easy, but remember you have agency here and you're not alone.

pj

[Methuen]

Awesome that you don't have to feel trapped by finances.  That gives you choices.  Also awesome that you told her up front that it would be temporary.  Well done

Now of course, I'm worried that if/when we move out again, especially if we do it sooner than planned, my mom will feel rejected and abandoned.

So I really like PJ's mantra here: "not mine to carry".  Yes, she won't like it when you move out.  Yes, she will struggle.  Yes, she will survive - just like she survived the last time you moved out. Yes, she will be ok. 

What do you think about dropping light but strategic reminders into the conversation:
"Gee the rental market this week didn't have much available" and then onto the next topic...
" There's one I (we) looked at this week, but it wasn't right for us..."

It just reminds her its temporary, but it's subtle, gentle, kind, and matter of fact.

If she responds with anything that could "hook" you or push your buttons, don't take the bait.  Just change the topic, or remember to go do some chore...

[Notwendy]

Think of "mistakes" as learning experiences. Had you not moved, you may not have seen the situation as clearly. It's understandably difficult, but as you said, temporary. How can you use this time to plan, save $$, take care of yourself? You would need some respite time away for your own peace of mind, so maybe plan some time away- like a weekend break once in a while?

Therapy is a possible idea too.

Meanwhile, keeping an eye on other places to live...one will come up and then you can move.

[OchousRealFace]

PursuingJoy, those are all great thoughts. We haven't set a goal date, but we definitely should; I think it would help solidify things for everyone.

I have been working on building boundaries, starting small as you suggest. So far, so good. *fingers crossed* I love the idea of the mantra, and will work on one for myself.

Building barriers: I have a lot of work to do there. I haven't been in therapy for a couple of years, but it's looking like it's time to go back.

I work from home—not as horrifying as it sounds, since my mother is still working and is out of the house most of the day (she starts early and stops late—is a workaholic). However, it also means I'm not getting "away" nearly as much as I should, so therapy and strict weekend plans are good ideas.

What do you think about dropping light but strategic reminders into the conversation:

Yes, I think I will need to do that, both for her sake and for my sister's (she's much more comfortable in this situation than I am).

Think of "mistakes" as learning experiences. Had you not moved, you may not have seen the situation as clearly.

That's definitely true. Being in such close quarters with my mom again is actually enlightening in a way—I'm starting to understand how growing up around her affected me, and how it continues to affect me; e.g. never feeling like I was safe in my own space, never knowing when her next emotional outburst might happen, having my feelings and needs invalidated, etc. And I'm hoping the clarity will help me start pushing back on some of those effects, both with her and with other people.

Meanwhile, keeping an eye on other places to live...one will come up and then you can move.

Yep, I'm continuing to look around (sister frets that I'm "rushing us out of here," though, and I understand her feelings too. Trying to give her some time).

Thank you all for your wonderful insights and advice. 

[Notwendy]

I had not spent a lot of time alone with my mother since I graduated college, but many years later, my father got ill and I went to help. Dad was in the hospital and while I did spend time there with him, I was also home alone with my mother for several nights since I stayed there.

For a long time, I had brushed off the incidents in my childhood and my parents had minimized the behavior and my mother had blamed me for her behavior. In some ways, I believed it. If only I was "good enough" my mother would be OK. Since I didn't live there, I assumed she was OK.

By then, I was an adult, with my own family, and knew this time, that her behaviors were not "OK" and that I did not cause them. A lot of memories came back, and these were confirmed by relatives on my Dad's side so I know they happened.

Although I continued to visit, I have not stayed in their house alone again, mostly have not stayed there at all. I stay in a nearby hotel. Even if it costs more than staying there, I will not place myself in that situation.

I learned a lot from that visit.

[Methuen]

Yep, I'm continuing to look around (sister frets that I'm "rushing us out of here," though, and I understand her feelings too. Trying to give her some time).

Is it possible there’s a different dynamic between your sister and your mom than between you and your mom?  Would you consider finding a place on your own, if your sister wasn’t ready to leave, but you were?  Hopefully it doesn’t come to this…