How to walk away and disengage - Help

[Depression = 72% of members]

I struggle with this so so much. I find that when N is angry, says things like "leave me alone, I don't care about you right now" I have a huge emotional reaction to it. No matter what is going on, it always hurts when N presents as angry and needs to be alone - it feels like it is an attack on me. He has said in therapy that this is hard on him as he knows how it makes me feel and that it is not me that is the issue, it is him and he is trying to take care of himself. Nonetheless, each time it happens, I find myself reacting emotionally to it. I know that I will not get through to him during these times but I still try to say something that'll get through to him. This is how our conversations usually go:

Him: "Leave me alone." (flat affect, won't look me in the eyes)
Me: "Is everything ok?"
Him: "I'm fine. I just want you to leave me alone."
Me: "Okay, you don't sound fine. I need to ask you about 'x' though. Can I do that?"
Him: *rolls eyes* "Fine."
Me: *asks question*
Him: "I don't care. Now leave me alone, go away please."
Me: "Okay, I love you."
Him: "I said go away. I don't care. F*** off."
Me: "When we communicate kindly, it is easy to leave you alone. Please be kind, I am easier to be around. When you talk to me like that it is really hurtful."
Him: "Go the f** away."

Following this, I get teary eyed. I feel isolated, pushed away, hurt. I can't sit still. I am so anxious about being in the house. I walk away, try to calm myself down, get anxious again, return to the kitchen/living room/etc. and state it again. I know it's ineffective. Worse, I know it makes things worse off. I can't seem to disengage from this behaviour, ever. I have gotten better - I used to take it extremely personally: sob, touch, not want to leave him alone. Over the past month I have stuck to the idea that him communicating kindly makes it easier to leave him alone. This morning as I left for work, he told me he didn't want to text very much and I said "that's okay, I'm not worried. I know you are okay and I don't need to text or hear from you." When he returns home and says "leave me alone" while presenting as angry, hurt, anxious, it strikes a cord with me.

I don't know how to walk away from these situations or how to disengage. When I told our therapist about it, she even says "as hard as it is, it's important to disengage." I'm hoping to talk to her this week about skills we can EACH utilise in these situations to ensure we communicate better/respect each others' boundaries. No matter when this happens, eventually he returns to baseline and states "I'm embarrassed by how I am behaving. I know I am not being kind to you." To me, he is capable of behaving better and being kind - he does it all the time.

Any help from those who have been there would be really really appreciated. This is the 3rd night in a row that this has happened and I feel like I am in crisis mode.

[jmbl]

I struggle with this so so much. I find that when N is angry, says things like "leave me alone, I don't care about you right now" I have a huge emotional reaction to it. No matter what is going on, it always hurts when N presents as angry and needs to be alone - it feels like it is an attack on me. He has said in therapy that this is hard on him as he knows how it makes me feel and that it is not me that is the issue, it is him and he is trying to take care of himself. Nonetheless, each time it happens, I find myself reacting emotionally to it. I know that I will not get through to him during these times but I still try to say something that'll get through to him. This is how our conversations usually go:

Him: "Leave me alone." (flat affect, won't look me in the eyes)
Me: "Is everything ok?"
Him: "I'm fine. I just want you to leave me alone."
Me: "Okay, you don't sound fine. I need to ask you about 'x' though. Can I do that?"
Him: *rolls eyes* "Fine."
Me: *asks question*
Him: "I don't care. Now leave me alone, go away please."
Me: "Okay, I love you."
Him: "I said go away. I don't care. F*** off."
Me: "When we communicate kindly, it is easy to leave you alone. Please be kind, I am easier to be around. When you talk to me like that it is really hurtful."
Him: "Go the f** away."

Following this, I get teary eyed. I feel isolated, pushed away, hurt. I can't sit still. I am so anxious about being in the house. I walk away, try to calm myself down, get anxious again, return to the kitchen/living room/etc. and state it again. I know it's ineffective. Worse, I know it makes things worse off. I can't seem to disengage from this behaviour, ever. I have gotten better - I used to take it extremely personally: sob, touch, not want to leave him alone. Over the past month I have stuck to the idea that him communicating kindly makes it easier to leave him alone. This morning as I left for work, he told me he didn't want to text very much and I said "that's okay, I'm not worried. I know you are okay and I don't need to text or hear from you." When he returns home and says "leave me alone" while presenting as angry, hurt, anxious, it strikes a cord with me.

I don't know how to walk away from these situations or how to disengage. When I told our therapist about it, she even says "as hard as it is, it's important to disengage." I'm hoping to talk to her this week about skills we can EACH utilise in these situations to ensure we communicate better/respect each others' boundaries. No matter when this happens, eventually he returns to baseline and states "I'm embarrassed by how I am behaving. I know I am not being kind to you." To me, he is capable of behaving better and being kind - he does it all the time.

Any help from those who have been there would be really really appreciated. This is the 3rd night in a row that this has happened and I feel like I am in crisis mode.

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[formflier]

To me, he is capable of behaving better and being kind - he does it all the time.

 

You post has a lot...A LOT!  of insight into yourself, your motivations and your feelings.  That is a huge plus plus plus for making this "get away from me dance" come to and end sooner.

It appears to me that you are attempting to make a "logical argument" to him that if he was kind, you would leave him alone and he would get what he wants.  And...as logical arguments go..you have nailed it...you are right.

Here is the issue:  His emotions have hijacked his brain and shut down logic.   His emotions are demanding attention...DEMANDING!  so when you keep trying to "push past" the emotions and get to logic...the emotions DEMAND MORE...they are screaming at you...NO PAY ATTENTION TO US...NOT LOGIC.

The "technical name" for what you are doing is INVALIDATION.



Click to learn more about invalidation




I would encourage you to google BPDfamily and invalidation...tons of threads and articles will appear, in addition to the one I shared.


So...my logical argument/weird question to you is:

Do you run outside and look up at the sky and explain to the rain that it would be better if it came back later?    If you ever tried it...how did that go?

Same concept here...

Instead of "let me explain to you there is not a storm going on" you switch to "ugg..a storm..that sucks...let me get my rain coat"

In this situation your "rain coat" is somehow to work on your feelings...OTHER THAN EXPRESSING THEM TO HIM IN THAT MOMENT.

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

It appears to me that you are attempting to make a "logical argument" to him that if he was kind, you would leave him alone and he would get what he wants.  And...as logical arguments go..you have nailed it...you are right.

Yes yes, 100% trying to use logic to solve the problem. For me: take the emotion away + be honest = solution. That is how my brain works. I have spent my life advocating for myself and for others (as a woman in adventure sports, in social work, as a nurse). Quieting my logical, boisterous brain has proven to be the biggest hurdle for me. I know it makes things worse, yet (2.5 years later), my impulse perseveres.

I have attempted to look at the issue of invalidating - this is feedback I receive on this site. When I become invalidated, I seek out validation.

I sat and I thought of how I could get around this issue. I need to look at the situation from a different perspective than invalidation. I found this article after my post:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

N is telling me what he needs. I am unable to wrap my head around it and I revert to what I know best. I need to make a change to my behaviour to expect anything different. What stood out to me the most was the idea of visualising what will happen if you give into your impulses vs what will happen if you don't. The example the article uses - turning off your alarm clock before work struck a cord (I wake up at 5-530 for work; my absence from work would be noticed immediately by my colleagues, yikes!). Every morning, I hit my snooze alarm and I have timed it perfectly so that I know when to get up and have ample time for a smooth morning before work. If I sleep past this point, there are serious repercussions: I won't have lunch for my 12-hour day, the dog won't get walked, etc etc.

When I attempt to talk/use logic to get N out of how he is I set us up for failure.

After reading the article, I made a list of what I can do to curb my emotional reaction (walk the dog, go for a run, post on this board). I also made a list of activities that don't work, that I have tried numerous times and only seem to increase any anxieties during times of crisis.

N followed the same pattern as usual: fall asleep in spare room, make his way to bed in the middle of the night, confess that he is "embarrassed by [his] behaviour, knows how sh***t [he] is behaving, you will eventually leave." Today, while each at work, he told me (over text) about everything external that is going on with him and how it is effecting him. He told me before I came home that he needs to be alone. Upon arrival, I had the same N as the night before: flat affect, wouldn't look me in the eyes. The difference tonight is that I didn't push and I left him alone. He is still somber, but he is looking me in the eyes. He is saying "I love you" and he is sleeping in our bed.

Now, I have to commit to this. I have to make a commitment to myself and to him that shows that I can do better.

Something else happened tonight. Unrelated but interesting. Tomorrow morning we are going to our 4th DBT session (we go together, the focus is on N). I recognised his pattern this evening of "not really sure if I will want to go tomorrow." My initial impulse was to express how important I think it is to go. I stopped for a moment, thought about what he was saying, and recognised that he has said this each time. So, I asked myself: what did you say last time and what would you want to be told if you said this? My response was "if you don't want to go tomorrow that is okay - it is your choice and I wouldn't ever force you to go." I have a feeling he will attend tomorrow, and if he does not, I will stick to this statement.

This board has provided a space to speak without judgement, providing objective feedback from a place of understanding. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[formflier]

As for the"I don't want to go" thing.

"I'll miss being together with you at DBT."  (leave it at that)   Take a minute and think about the messages (there are many) you are sending with this statement.

Don't in any way suggest it's ok if he doesn't go and don't threaten (yet).  Leave the door open and inviting for him to choose relationship.

Switching gears: Your brain works much like mine.  For me, checklists work great.  

1.  Some kind of BPD thing going on
2.  DO NOT make logical arguments
3.  Express interest in understanding.


That at least gets me kinda in the right space.

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

Switching gears: Your brain works much like mine.  For me, checklists work great.  

1.  Some kind of BPD thing going on
2.  DO NOT make logical arguments
3.  Express interest in understanding.

So far, the strategies above have been working well. I honestly try my best, but sometimes I feel like I am at the end of my rope. Today, I reached that point again. He has been increasingly negative over the past two days. I have remained present, validating, reminding him of reality. I woke up this morning to negative behaviour, this has been really draining me.

I had a flat tire while I was out today, so I came home 45 minutes late. My plan for the day was to clean/pack (we are moving at the end of the month), however I (obviously) was delayed. He came home before me and sent me a sleuth of texts about dog hair and the house being "so disgusting that it almost made him cry." He cancelled our plans for the evening and said he did not want to see me. (Let me state here that, without a shadow of a doubt, it is his mess accompanying the dog hair).

I did not irrationally lose my cool, but I made statements such as:
"Not wanting to hang out with me and blowing it up because of the dog is so hurtful to me and our relationship. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me ans I am disgusting. It hurts a lot. I was looking forward to yoga with you and spending time with you. Now I am facing my evening alone and made to feel lonely and unloveable but my partner."

He informed me that I should leave him, turning the conversation back onto him:
"I’ll never be who you think I am. I’ll never be happy. I’ll never be kind all the time. I’m never ok and I never will be. Please cancel our dbt appointments. Please just stop trying."

I feel guilt for expressing myself, but at the same time I won't not stand up for myself. After texting, we talked briefly on the phone (less than 1 minute). This made me pause and thing "wtf?" So, I texted him:
"This is stopping now. You know where I stand and that I love you. I will have expectations of kindness but you also know that I try to be as understanding as possible. It is not about one person being better than the other. It’s about loving and caring and having patience and communicating. When I get presented with the approach you took it hurts me a lot. That will never change. When you talk to me, without calling names, I’ll say ‘oh jeeze yes that is a lot. I will deal with it.’ So enough is enough. Pushing me away is stupid and I won’t take your word
For it in this moment. I am coming to yoga with you today as we planned."

He has said okay to going to yoga together as planned. In reality, I have no certainty that he will be there when I show up. Again, I am put in a position where I have to decide "What will I do if he isn't there?" In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't even present itself as a big deal; right now though, it's a heavy weight.

I am left feeling so incredibly taxed and emotionally exhausted. I feel my responses were direct and invalidating and I didn't have it in me to be validating, as I was being invalidated. Ultimately, I feel like he was in the wrong for his behaviour. The lines get blurry: how much is the illness and how much is him? How much control does he have? Why can he continuously be kind to his colleagues, classmates, ex-wife, daughter, but not me? How do I know I am maintaining boundaries and protecting myself?

[formflier]

Try this on for size.

hey says blah blah disgusting messy blah blah.

you say "Ouch...words cut babe.  Let's take a walk and talk later."

Then stop responding and don't walk until he has calmed.

What were the chances he would respond to you in a way you wanted...while he was so upset?

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

Exactly what I need to do. Acknowledge and walk away…. Why is it so difficult to do?

I’m practicing a new mantra in my head (thank you) ‘It’s a BPD thing… don’t use logic… acknowledge and understand.’ Practicing when I am with and without him.

Will report back soon. Thanks FF.

[formflier]

You've got this!  Looking forward to the report back!   

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

Overall, the past two weeks have been good. This past week our daughter (my step daughter) was home sick from school and I was off so, of course, stayed home with her. This resulted in me getting sick and having to miss a week of work! He has been pushing me away since I got sick, citing that he doesn’t want to get sick but he’s stuck being around M. I responded with “you’re stuck being around me too.”

He did not want to get M a covid test this morning bc he “doesn’t want to isolate for 48 hours.” In bed he woke up angry, and said “sometimes I wish I wasn’t separated from L because she has parenting responsibility and you have none.” Ouch. Hurt so much, so I said “you’re angry and that hurts. I don’t want to start my day like this so let’s talk about it later.” He continued to stomp around and spouting things in an angry tense, rubbing off on M and me. I continued not to engage with him, until he confronted me (in front of M) and I calmly corrected his statements (he told us yesterday her covid test was booked for 930, asked me to take her w me as I booked mine at the same time - turns out he booked it for 910? and told me I was wrong. M confirmed that he said 930.) He told me “you need to stop it in front of M bc she’s going to think I’m angry.” The reality is that we are walking on eggshells this morning bc of his attitude and shutting us out.

When I came back from my test (“I don’t want to wait 25 minutes for yours”) M was visibly frustrated and upset and wouldn’t talk about it with me.

He told me my response in bed “caused him to be snappy and ruined his mood.” I told him that we are each individually responsible for our attitude and behaviour and that we’ve had a previous conversation about how I will respond to him when he is (unjustifiably) angry. Now he won’t talk to me and says “just leave him alone.” Again, I’m hooped, hurt, and pushed away. Definitely feeling a case of “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” but I won’t be responsible for his behaviour or a punching bag - he is more than capable of controlling his emotions and I won’t not hold him to this. I have witnessed him doing it with all other people in our/his life.

[formflier]

  Hurt so much, so I said “you’re angry and that hurts. I don’t want to start my day like this so let’s talk about it later.” He continued to stomp around and spouting things in an angry tense, rubbing off on M and me. I continued not to engage with him, until he confronted me (in front of M) and I calmly corrected his statements 

What does "confronted me" look and feel like?  "He said she said" if possible.

I would caution you against stating or suggesting a boundary and then walking away from it.

It appears to me you said you were going to talk about  it later...but gave in and talked about it now because of a "confrontation".  Most likely would have been best to let him be upset (or happy) and talk later as you originally informed him.

Best,

FF

[pursuingJoy]

jmbl, I just want to say hi and let you know that I appreciate your centered perspective, perseverance and love.    You've got this.

He told me my response in bed “caused him to be snappy and ruined his mood.”

Sure he thought this but I think you made some great progress with this scenario. You're not damned if you, damned if you don't. Just because he didn't respond nicely does not mean you didn't exhibit a healthier response.

Don't get discouraged. On some level he is aware that his nasty moods affect the people he loves. Where you used to absorb, you're mirroring (each person takes responsibility), reflecting his behavior and making him doubly aware. All of the emotion is too much for him to process.

This will take consistency and getting used to. You'll see a shift in the dynamic over time.

[jmbl]

‘Confronting’ looks like this:
“Her test is at 910 and you can’t come with us because I’m not waiting 15 minutes for your test”
“Ok, that’s hurtful but fine. I was planning to take M but you can take her if you want”
“I don’t care what you were planning to do. You shouldn’t have made your appointment at that time”
“Ok N”
“Leave us alone for the day.”
“No, we are a family and will come together to do what we need to do. We support each other and care for each other.”

It makes me feel like I’m expendable and someone kept around until I’m not needed. It makes me feel insignificant, unworthy, and unincluded.

I didn’t hold it together today. I lost it, and behaved in a manner which I have not displayed. I returned from my test, I have been sick. We are moving, today we are packing as N goes back to work tomorrow and the entire move is left for me to execute. This is fine with me, but today is the only day for his help (he did not pack over the weekend - I was fine w this).

I returned home and found him in bed. I said “I love you, when you want to talk we can. Take your time and when you’re ready we’ll start packing”
“I don’t f***ing need anybody. Go the f** away”
“You’re getting angry and pushing me away. It’s hurtful. Please stop”
“What don’t you get about f*** off. I don’t care about packing so it yourself. Leave me alone.”

I snapped: “you’re not behaving ok and you need to cut it out. Take your time alone, but stop being mean, it’s horrible. You’ve been angry at me since you opened your eyes and you don’t even know why.”
“Yeah I do it’s because you’re a c**t. You f***ing moron.” *throws pillow*
“You’re supposed to be helping and you’re leaving it to me while I’m sick with a fever. You need to control yourself you’re acting horrible.”

It turned into a fight. It ended with me throwing a water cup at the wall and my glasses. I’m mortified by my behaviour. I let him get the best of me. M was present, she was devastated. It has been reconciled with her. We have each talked with her individually in a calm manner. N now says That I’m ‘not good enough’ for him. I think I’ve lost this one, I didn’t hold it together. I let it get into my core and it shook me really bad. I left my calm demeanour at the door and acted out of anger. I didn’t have the perseverance and I didn’t have control. I stopped caring for that moment and caused a great deal of damage.

[formflier]

So...it appears to me you realize your behavior wasn't the best, yet I don't think you understand why the words you choose were particularly unhelpful for what he was likely experiencing.


For starters...should he use nicer words to get alone time.  Yes.  Will he?  Most likely not.

I suspect that he uses those big nasty words because his prior words didn't work (as in he was not left alone...)

What if you made it a rule that when someone (anyone really) tells you they are not able to have a conversation...you believe them

That's probably enough to cover now.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[pursuingJoy]

It turned into a fight. It ended with me throwing a water cup at the wall and my glasses. I’m mortified by my behaviour.

All of us have hit a wall. You are human. All you can do at this point is take responsibility for what is yours and model healthy recovery behavior for your kiddo.  You are significant and you are worthy. 

What if you made it a rule that when someone (anyone really) tells you they are not able to have a conversation...you believe them

You're trying so hard to keep it all together, containing yourself and him and his behavior. In my experience, losing control can be a blessing, though it sure doesn't feel like it. What would it mean to just believe him?

[jmbl]

I do believe him, 100%. The day before, alone time was fine, and it was not communicated in the best way. This morning, again alone time is fine. I know the difference was the fact that I am sick, that our daughter is sick, we have to pack to move, and the treatment that came before the request. Nonetheless, I did not respect the request and I can’t honestly figure out why. Why was I so stuck in emotion mind and unable to detach myself in order to see the bigger picture?

M and I talked about anger, reconciling afterwards, and the importance of being in control of our emotions. I am accountable for how I reacted. I feel like I ruined our family and relationship. I also feel a great deal of confusion, like I have lost touch with the reality of normal functioning relationships and the importance of mutual respect and support. I feel lost.

As a note, he did not make a request for alone time. I returned home to find him in bed and M on the couch. There was no communication. I am overwhelmed and could not in the moment decipher the behaviour.

[jmbl]

Update: N came to bed last night and accepted responsibility for his part. He told me that he had purposefully said things that he knew would provoke me and he was not surprised by my reaction. That he has done this in the past, doesn’t put blame on me but is concerned that I reacted in front of M.

He told me that in those moments it is as though he cannot control what is coming out of his mouth, he is past a level 10 and feels out of control.

We decided that if it ever happens again, that it’s not a relationship we can continue in. Fighting is so beyond okay to us and it would never be worth exposing M to that - she cannot believe that is routine behaviour to learn to “get over.”

I’m grateful that he opened up to me, but I am extremely guarded. I had to reach out to supports during this one and they are so disappointed and do not wish to see me continue in our relationship. I feel that all I can do is take it day by day and hold commitment to our above agreement.

[formflier]

So..what are you going to do (not "we" and "us"), next time he goes out of control like this?

What's your agreement with yourself?

Other than promising to not do this again, how else is he going to address this issue?

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

I will have to leave. I have contemplated this before but felt happy with my decision to stay. I love him dearly, but I cannot live a life where that level of escalation is a pattern.

I will inform M’s biological mother to ensure she is safe and I will have to figure out how to have the conversation with N. I can put my belongings into storage and have family to stay with.

It is sad but it is reality

[jmbl]

To be honest, I don’t know what other options I would have?

[jmbl]

This morning, we are set to move with movers coming at 9 am (it is 730 am here). At 700, N asked me if I “packed the tools to take apart M’s bunk bed.”
Me: “what tools are needed?”
N: “Allen keys.”
Me: “Ok, the last time I saw them was in the small black Mastercraft tool box. Did you pack that, it was in the back room?” (Which he packed up)
N: “uh no, they weren’t. They were in the white… thing… with the drawers. And in the desk.”
Me: “ok, unfortunately there were none in there. They were in the black tool box. Do you know where that is?”
N: “so yes, you packed it. Pfft. My god. What the hell.”
Me: “N, I did not pack it. Let’s do this from a solution focus. Nobody is fighting”
N (yelling): “You’re blaming me! You can’t take responsibility!”
Me (frustrated): “Stop please. I’m not fighting with you. We are a team and will have to solve this” (walks away)

10 minutes later…
Me (found 2 sets of keys): “here are 2 sets of Allen keys for you.”
N: “don’t talk to me for the rest of the day. You’re lucky I’m helping with this move”
Me: “ok N. we can restart if you want. This sucks kinda.”
N (yelling): “If you talk to me I’ll leave. I don’t care about this move. I’m gonna leave.”

I tried to disengage. I’m feeling really frustrated and let down. He is unreliable and angry and now I have to be cognizant of that for likely the rest of the day.

[formflier]

Do you want to move?

Is this "standard" behavior for him or is it particularly worse (perhaps because of the move)

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

Do you want to move?

No, we did not necessarily want to move. We had just moved into our house 5 months ago (rental), and our previous landlord gave us notice that she was moving back in. It was a hard time for this to be happening - I had a nursing exam to write, M was back in school, and N just started his practicum for his Master's. We also had just started to settle into our surroundings after a hard summer (lots and lots of forest fires and covid restrictions - unable to do anything outside of the city or in the city), including beginning DBT which was going well (the move has disrupted his desire to go).

Is this "standard" behavior for him or is it particularly worse (perhaps because of the move)

Definitely worse because of the move.

Yesterday he actually informed me that he was having a hard day in the morning. We had a short conversation about it (Me: "I am grateful you told me, I can be cognisant of it." Him: "Thank you, I will try to be aware of how I am talking."). Later in the evening when he texted me "Leave me alone for 5 days... that's a good start," I replied "Hey, you're going through something hard right now, I still love you." We didn't text again until I was on my way home from work. I texted him when I was leaving and he responded with "ok" - a good sign (). We had our normal evening (bedtime stories, quick snack, cuddle in bed), until he informed me that he had been waiting up for me to come to bed while I was eating after work/taking a 25 minute sit down. When story time was over, he was snoring in bed - therefore, I thought he was asleep. When I came to bed 35 minutes later, we cuddle for a bit until he told me that I made him feel insignificant, that I embarrassed him, and now he felt uncomfortable in bed. He rolled over, told me that my intimacy felt forced and that I was just there because he wanted me there.

He didn't move out of bed (he had threatened to go to the couch), which I understand as a good thing. He woke up in the night and it woke me up and he welcomed some comforting. Even though I knew he was having a hard day, this whole thing took me by surprise. It did bring tears to my eyes and really made me feel insignificant as well. The whole thing baffled me, and even if I said that I thought he was asleep, he still did not trust my words whatsoever. I didn't argue or push or try to convince him with logic because I could see that his perception was far removed from the reality of how I feel. What broke his fixation and negative emotional arousal was that I (type 1 diabetic) had a low blood sugar and he understands (and respects) that this takes precedent for me. I am worried that this emotional outburst will have lasting effects on him, impacting his trust based on something that wasn't happening.

I started reading The High-Conflict Couple and I found it really helpful yesterday. I see this episode is a clear example of wanting to be closer, but having negative emotional arousal. I focused on objective describing in my head during this moment and it helped to keep my behaviours in line with my emotions. He feels that our relationship is falling apart without taking into consideration that challenges that we have each faced, individually and collectively, over the past 5 months.

Today, I texted him that what he said meant a lot to me and I do not want him to feel insignificant because I am at work. I reminded him that we have gone through exceptional challenges over the past 5 months, but our love has been consistent, and that I am not going anywhere. Part of me also wonders how healthy it is for my working to make him feel this way? I work shift work: 2 days, 2 nights (each 12 hours), then 4-6 days off in between - so basically, I am available more often than I am not. Nonetheless, I feel that it is important to work on increasing trust first and implementing things that reduce his feeling this way while I am at work in a healthy and loving way. On the other hand, on my previous shift when I finished work, he said for me to do my own thing. I wish he had just communicated that he was awake or that he came to sit with me, but I understand he likely perceived this as opening himself up for rejection - which it wouldn't have! It would've made me so happy!

[jmbl]

His negative emotions seem to be becoming more of his norm than his other kind self. It is really overbearing and I find that I am having to keep myself in check because I don’t want to trigger him. It has all started to feel overwhelming today and I see his negativity and disconnection from reality spewing into other parts of his/our life. He can’t seem to make small decisions or effectively plan, including not waking up in time to get ready for work/to take M to school. He is upset because he has no lunch, yet he did not make himself one or consider that he would have to eat today - thinks it’s because I don’t contribute to groceries (I do this and make the bulk of our meals - there are leftovers in the fridge). I came home after 12 hours and the kitchen looked as if a bomb went off - flour and dough everywhere, dirty dishes, dining table covered with junk.). He has stopped going to yoga (what he calls his therapy) and is disinterested in DBT. I worry that this is the new norm because of the challenges, even though I know it will take him a while to return to his baseline. A big part of me knows that there is distance between us, but there is no recognition on his part that his negative behaviours impact our trust - the blame is on me. I try to stay steady and stable, but it’s overwhelming and quite sad. It is weighing me down and I am struggling to be fully engaged in my own responsibilities and relationships outside of the house. I feel like I am anxiously waiting a negative text, blame, or comments that insinuate that I am a burden (“you just cause more stress;” “don’t bother because your help is useless.”)

[formflier]

  I find that I am having to keep myself in check because I don’t want to trigger him. 

So how is this working out?   Has he been free of "triggers" and his behavior back to normal?


Switching gears.

Is your current landlord forcing the move? 

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

Yes, landlord had forced the move (she separated from her partner). Unforeseen to us, but we actually did not like that house and much prefer our new home - we foresee this house as a long term home from which we can save to buy. So really was a blessing in disguise, which we agree upon.

Up until last night his behaviour had returned to normal. A while back, he mentioned to me that he feels the way I speak towards him has changed in the past few months. I know this is true, I feel I have been less understanding. I am not upset with myself nor bear all of the weight of this change: his increasingly negative behaviour and my external stress (work, studies, etc etc) has lessened my capacity to be understanding. I have not shared this thought with him as I do suspect he somewhat knows this. Instead, I reflect on the power of kindness and understanding in communications, this includes setting my boundaries. Being forceful or short doesn’t go very far in communications, nor does giving any sort of unsolicited advice (basic principles for most forms of communication). Instead of perceiving his communications as short or demanding, particularly text communications, I remind myself of his difficulties in communication and his dichotomous emotions and remember that both of our desire is to be closer, not further, from one another.

Here is an example:
Me: Hey, I think you have both computer chargers and mine is dying. Could you please check and bring one home? Thank you!

Him: I have one. Always have just on in my bag. I have no office and sit on the couch. But I will look. Everything I bring… comes home every day.

**Now… I know that this is my charger because he came home on Friday without a charger and I lent him mine. However, I can either decide to respond putting the responsibility on him, or I can view it as an honest mistake; after all, we have just moved and are not full unpacked. I have to remember too that he struggles to remember simple things like this. He needs order in his surroundings and we are currently 1/4 packed up still.

Me: Yes I trust that. I wonder if one is packed somewhere inconspicuous? Ah well, as long as I can charge my computer when you get home I’m sure the other will show up (maybe too nice?)

Him: Ok sounds good. J…. I’ve been with clients and am now in a meeting. I can’t keep messaging. Very difficult to focus on my practicum.

**Again, I can respond in a manner that puts the responsibility here on him. I was not necessarily expecting a timely response, but I needed to communicate and we have always, and continue to, text each other during studies/work. Instead, I can respond with understanding; after all, practicums are extremely challenging!

Me: Of course! No worries. Your practicum is important and I understand the need to focus. Hope you’re having a good day there, will see ya when you’re home.

I left it at that and I am happy with it. Now we can both continue on with our days and focus on what is important to our wellbeing, and therefore, what is important to our relationship.

In other ways, I ‘watch my behaviour’ in less healthy ways, such as not speaking up for a need or an emotion for fear of triggering him. Example, the cat litter needs to be changed and this is his responsibility. It grosses me out. I haven’t said anything though because I don’t want to trigger a negative response. Obviously, this behaviour affects more serious things, such as emotional or life needs (e.g., I had an extremely difficult 2 days at work and honestly needed 25 minutes to myself before attending to his needs last night). I also didn’t say anything about the messy kitchen, which I feel is unfair to leave that way. I don’t want to spend 45 minutes cleaning before I can make something to eat after work. So I had a piece of toast and woke up at 645 to clean it before M got up for school; I go into night shifts tonight, so this is far from ideal.

[jmbl]

He has texted me: “ I won’t be home after work. Going fishing. Will just se you tomorrow. I feel very insignificant in our relationship and will be spending a lot of time away from the house.”

I responded by saying “ I am sorry you are feeling that way, you are far from insignificant. Please take all the time you need, I’ll be here.”

Each step feels like two steps backwards.

[jmbl]

Sorry, I know I am posting a lot. I wanted to add that I am fairly certain the last text came because he came home for lunch and I was not here. I had planned my day so that I could be home when he was off and we could spend time together before I went to work. He did not inform me that he was coming home
For lunch, I would’ve been home. It means a lot to me to spend time with him when I am on nights.

[formflier]

I responded by saying “ I am sorry you are feeling that way, you are far from insignificant. Please take all the time you need, I’ll be here.”

It's very likely your statement here in bold was incredibly invalidating to him.

I'm wondering about the wisdom of engaging in these debates.

Essentially it's an argument that goes.

1.  You don't like me.

2.  Yes I do.

And around and around.


What if you didn't argue or contradict his feelings?  (I'm not suggesting you agree with him either)?

Best,

FF

[jmbl]

Okay, let me understand better.

Instead of responding as I do, do I:
A) Not respond at all,
B) Respond with something like ‘ok,’ or
C) Say something like “thank you for sharing with me?”

It is not the first time he has expressed ‘missing me’ or ‘feeling neglected,’ although this has been the most grandeur of these expressions. Is it possible that there is a maladaptive behaviour at play here in which he expresses feeling insignificant/neglected as a way for me to express my positive feelings for him? Does my absence from the house make him experience things such as loneliness, which can then spiral into negative emotions?

I know that he is not insignificant and I know that he wants to be close with me.  Knowing this, am I to trust that what he is saying is untrue and he will return to baseline eventually? Is it normal to feel so hurt by harmful things our pwBPD say, does that hurt ever lessen?

[formflier]

When he is off the reservation saying whacky things.  Be neutral and disengage..perhaps mention you are available later to listen and understand.


When he is "normal" or "positive"..then "lean into" the relationship...go overboard..tell him how awesome he is..etc etc.


There are so many things to consider.  One that is in play here is him doing negative attention seeking.  So saying horrible things so you jump in and correct...and now the subject is an issue that isn't true or valid...and the real issue isn't being discussed. 

Over time hopefully you can retrain him so that he understands how to get your attention..in a positive way.

Best,

FF