New and dealing with (my) deceit and grief

[zondolit]

Hello,

I am grateful to have found this online community. I read through the posts and even when they are so awful and full of hurt sometimes I find myself laughing because apparently you are all married to my husband! It is eerie how the situations unfold in parallel, and this is so helpful for me to see.

I have been married over 15 years, and we have three children. Our marriage has always been full of conflict and anger. I've always hated this and been confused by it. But there are also times of some normalcy, and during these times I'd try to forget about the bad times, or at least avoid bringing them up.

Two years ago we began marriage counseling. In sessions, I was surprised to find myself feeling embarrassed for my husband--my husband who usually charms and shines in social situations. I felt he was not always treating the counselor well. On further reflection, I recognized that he also doesn't always treat me well. I tried to bring the feeling of "neutrality" from the sessions into our communication, and it helped me remain more calm.

Things got worse this past winter, but I shared what was happening not just with the counselor, in our limited time, but with my parents and sister. Talking with supportive family and remaining calm even when my husband was not, I began to see my marriage conflicts differently and began to wonder if my husband has something "diagnosable" beyond anxiety and depression. I started reading about personality disorders and when I found the characteristics of BPD, I knew it fit my husband exactly, though he is not suicidal nor self-harming. (It also completely explains his father and why his father has such rocky relationships with his children despite coming across to all others as jovial and easy-going.) It was such a relief to learn about BPD and now have all these resources at my disposal.

Two things I am struggling with are:

1. Deceit. The advice seems to be to not tell my husband I think he has BPD. I struggle with what feels like low levels of deceit as learning about BPD has been so important to my life over the past several months, and yet I say not a word about it to my husband and keep my books and notes from him.

2. Grief. I feel like I have to let go of my hopes for a marriage that is deep and intimate. We've never achieved this in our marriage, but I'd always held out hope that maybe somehow the situation would change. I am trying to figure out what I can hope for--and what I am capable of, like letting go of judgement, which is hard--and how to grieve the loss of a dream.

Thank you for listening.

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[Cat Familiar]

To respond to both of the issues you are struggling with, there is nothing to be gained by telling him that you suspect he has BPD. It’s a shame-based disorder and often therapists treat it without disclosing their diagnosis. If he were to research it himself, he’d run into lots of online material telling partners to run away from anyone with that disorder.

That you’d hope for a more intimate relationship, and it certainly is possible, but you’d be undermining any possibility should he know what you suspect.

Take a look at the Tools section at the top of this page and keep posting more about your relationship.

[pursuingJoy]

zondolit, welcome. I sense a good level of self awareness and willingness to learn. You'll get a lot of out this site.  

I felt he was not always treating the counselor well. On further reflection, I recognized that he also doesn't always treat me well.

So cool how you were able to really see your husband's mistreatment of you when you watched his mistreatment of someone else.

1. Deceit. The advice seems to be to not tell my husband I think he has BPD. I struggle with what feels like low levels of deceit as learning about BPD has been so important to my life over the past several months, and yet I say not a word about it to my husband and keep my books and notes from him.

I really struggled with feeling deceitful too, until I reframed it in my own head as good boundaries. If I hear gossip, or someone shares a secret in confidence, I'm not going to run and tell people, even my husband. Doing so would be poor boundaries. It's healthy to have boundaries in marriage. We say no. We set limits. One might even argue that a policy of telling him everything could be a sign of codependence.

Like Cat said, the reality is that he can't receive it right now. There's a time and a place for everything. There will be a time to mention it, likely when things have healed, there is some trust rebuilt, and a measure of emotional stretchiness is back in your relationship.

While you're waiting, keep in mind that the diagnosis is secondary to the behaviors. Diagnosis doesn't do squat if the behavior doesn't change. Good news about behaviors is that you can change yours, which will change his. We talk a lot about that here. Have you read any of the tools Cat mentioned?

2. Grief. I feel like I have to let go of my hopes for a marriage that is deep and intimate. We've never achieved this in our marriage, but I'd always held out hope that maybe somehow the situation would change. I am trying to figure out what I can hope for--and what I am capable of, like letting go of judgement, which is hard--and how to grieve the loss of a dream.

Goodness yes I've felt this. What I can tell you from experience is that the bigness, the intensity of the feeling, will subside. You won't always feel this bad. It's hard while you're going through it. I survived and you will too, and so will the folks who come after us.

On the other side of the grief you feel is a different kind of relationship, but it's a good one.

You've got this.
pj

[NonnyMouse]

2. Grief. I feel like I have to let go of my hopes for a marriage that is deep and intimate. We've never achieved this in our marriage, but I'd always held out hope that maybe somehow the situation would change. I am trying to figure out what I can hope for--and what I am capable of, like letting go of judgement, which is hard--and how to grieve the loss of a dream.

I know the feeling. You spend a decade wondering where did it go wrong. And blaming yourself...because you've been told so often it is your fault, even though most of the stories you hear you don't remember in that way at all. And then you discover BPD and it's a lightbulb moment, but at the same time it's very dark because all your hopes disappear. The next step is to learn and absorb all the tools here. If that goes well, and there's no reason it shouldn't, then you'll find some stability and some peace. That's about where I am now. Longer term I'd love to have the sort of relationship you describe. I can't be sure whether it's possible but I'm staying hopeful.

[zondolit]

Thank you, all.

persuingJoy: The books I've found most helpful are Fruzzetti's book The High-Conflict Couple and Stop Walking on Eggshells. I've read them and am now trying to review them and put them into practice. It is so helpful to have these resources, even if I feel they set such a high bar!

NonnyMouse: Yes, I wonder why it had to be: 15 years of confusion--our marriage is so difficult and he always tells me I'm the problem and I'm sure not perfect but what the heck is happening? And, yes, so much: the conflicting emotions of relief at having this diagnosis, amazement and joy that others, like you, know what I'm going through, but also grief at the years "lost" and anger in the face of the insidiousness of this disorder and how it--for a time!--swept me up it in.